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#207975 - 02/28/08 09:39 PM HELP PLEASE!
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
I will try to keep this post to a minimum and also try not to ramble, but sometimes it is just so hard to put everything into words, so forgive me if I do either.

Where to begin? I came home from work today feeling as though we (I) needed to talk. Does anyone else feel like you go days or even weeks and just don't talk about the things that are on your mind regarding his (now our) CSA? I almost feel like we just keep picking up the rug and using a broom to sweep it all under. Well, I guess I let it brew and stew and then the steam must be released. I am fortunate in the fact that my BF and I have never really gotten truly angry with one another and we don't swear, cuss, or get mean with each other...I felt we (I)just needed to talk.

Well, my talking became a melt down! I am feeling so sad right now as I tried to explain to him how badly it hurts to see the man you love in such pain and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. He stands up and says he guesses he needs to move the cars into the garage! So, when he came back in the house I said so how is it that I can hug you, kiss you, let you cry on my shoulders and hold you when you are in pain and when I am in the mist of pain, you need to move the cars? His response, well he guesses he is not very good at this sort of thing. Doesn't he understand that when he is in pain it must feel comforting to have me there for him and it might just feel comforting for me to have the same from him when I am in pain? I just don't get it.

Well, after composing myself somewhat, I was able to voice that it is just killing me little by little to see the man I love who seemed to have such a great self esteem when I met him 2 years ago before knowing about the CSA, now saying things like I can't, if I lose everything and have to start over I don't care, I'm so stupid, I'm being punished, etc. etc.

What can I do? As I told him...I can sit here and tell him until the cows come home that I know he can do this and he can do anything he sets his mind to, that he is a worthy person...but if he doesn't believe that of himself...there is nothing I can do. It is killing me! I feel like I am the cheering squad and there is no game!

We are both damn good people and we don't deserve any of this!

Thanks for listening.

Lou


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#207977 - 02/28/08 10:08 PM Re: HELP PLEASE! [Re: Lou]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
{{{Lou}}}} I hear you loud and clear. My b/f and I have had almost mirror images of that conversation and believe you me, I've had my share of meltdowns, seemingly out of nowhere. It'll happen because you're living with constant stress day in and day out. At some point along the way though, you have do do exactly what you did and let it out! and who else are you going to talk to but your b/f. Yes, we're here, but where is here? You can't touch us or see our faces and we can't "know" you're life; you and your b/f do so it's natural and normal and healthy for you to talk and even meltdown with him. So, after you get a good night's sleep, throw away any bad feelings you have about yourself for this meltdown - you're entitled to it.

Quote:
I feel like I am the cheering squad and there is no game!


What an incredibly accurate statement; one I so wish I had an answer for. I find myself in the same place after better than 6 years and yes, it still gets to me, just not as often because I won't let myself get drawn into an argument about it. The only thing that keeps me going on this score is telling myself that I know the truth and he doesn't. We had the advantage of meeting the guy that is and knowing exactly who they are which is why we fell in love. The guy we see though is hiding the little boy who knows no such thing; he is still living in the lie the abuser wrapped around him. When I give a compliment or any positive comment for that matter, it is now just a short statement of fact. When he argues the point, which he almost always does, I simply smile and tell him, well, that's the way I see it. I refuse to comment or argue any further than that. If he wants to talk, fine, but I won't be that cheering squad on an empty field - it's too exhausting and gets us nowhere.

Last and most important for you is him walking away from your pain. My b/f doesn't leave my side, but there may as well be a brick wall between us when the shit hits the fan. When things are calm, he's told me that he just doesn't deal well with my pain because he knows that he is the one who caused it and he feels powerless to fix it. That sound like a whole load of bunk when all you need his is comfort, but the reality is, he just can't. Not that he doesn't want to, but at that moment in time, he can't.

I'm sorry you're having a bad night Lou.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#207989 - 02/28/08 10:58 PM Re: HELP PLEASE! [Re: Trish4850]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Originally Posted By: Trish4850

When I give a compliment or any positive comment for that matter, it is now just a short statement of fact. When he argues the point, which he almost always does, I simply smile and tell him, well, that's the way I see it. I refuse to comment or argue any further than that. If he wants to talk, fine, but I won't be that cheering squad on an empty field - it's too exhausting and gets us nowhere.

When things are calm, he's told me that he just doesn't deal well with my pain because he knows that he is the one who caused it and he feels powerless to fix it.



Trish, thank you so much for your response.

You are right, it is absolutely exhausting! And we don't even argue....that is what is amazing about it.

As for your 2nd paragraph quote, I know that I did not cause his pain and that I am powerless to fix it for him, but I am still there for that shoulder to cry on, for a hug, or a "it will be okay". Isn't that what you do for someone that you love? I am not asking him to take responsibility for my pain or to fix my pain for me, I am just asking for a little nurturing in return.....don't we all kind of like a little warm fuzzy when we are down and out...and who better than our BF's or husbands to get that from?

I am sure that dealing with all of this CSA day in and day out and the fact that I have been studying for a big test for my work is getting me down too. I am sure with a good night's rest....tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks again Trish.

Lou


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