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#207954 - 02/28/08 06:52 PM long, triggers
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I am sorry, it seems only I post here when things 'go wrong'. I am not sure of how much more wrong it can be right now, so here I go to post I guess.

My neice died 3 days ago. Both my neices was sick, and my sister take them to the doctor, who say they both had colds. Two days later, my older neice was feeling better, the baby still was sick, so she taken her back to doctor again. This time they put her in the hospital with a respirtory virus, she was in the 'oxygen tent' thing, but seemed to be ok for first few hours. But then she was losing oxygen, her heart was not working right. They put her on a breathing machine, her heart stopped 2 times and they get it back with the shocks, but the third time they could not. She was six months old.

I know that it rather have 'hit' me more because of my own loss of my daughter years ago. We was at the hospital, my sister was holding Marya, for near an hour after she died, and it just hit at me like I was hit by a car or something, I gotten chest pain, hard to breathe. I stayed with my sister and her husband so long as I could, but finally gone downstairs to the emergency clinic, and tell them that perhaps it is grief and panic, but I have had the two heart attacks and two valves replaced, and I just wish to make sure I am ok. Now, one of my abusers was a 'doctor', but I have had so much time spend with doctors for different things all my life, I have never had so much issue with them, it is never been a thing to trigger me like it is to some people I guess. But I get put to a room by a male nurse, who say to take off my clothes and put on the gown thing. I ask if I can keep on my pants because it is cold. He say no, we can get you a blanket.

So I do what I am told, and he come back with the ECG machine, which I know will happen. And is pulled up the gown to put the wires on my chest, and I am very much wishing for my pants, as I am lying there. And he puts the leg wires on my thighs. Now, I have had so many of these tests done, with the heart issues since I was a child, and always those leg wires, always that I remember, are down by my ankles. This person put them on my thighs, and I am sure it is not issue at all, perhaps it is just how he is trained to do it, perhaps he do that to everyone. But I have never have it done like that before, I am already upset and panicked, and there is some strange man touching my thighs while I am lying there without clothes, and I just start shaking. And he is telling me to hold still, that as soon as he is done he'll get me a blanket, I guess he thinks I am cold. But I am lying there, and feeling like a naked child, even though I am not. As soon as he was done and left behind the curtain, I put my pants back on, and I was not going to take them off again.

Yesterday morning, I guess I had been walking around in my sleep, because I wake up in the kitchen, even though I known I gone to bed. I wake up and been sweating, and again, chest hurting and could not breathe good. I come in here to chat room, and a very nice person talk to me and try to help me, even as he have his own issues right now (thank you nice person), I could not very good talk right, my head just was not working. I tried also to talk to another friend of it, and again, my English was just not working right, I could not explain proper, and that friend was telling me to go to hospital, worried that it was my heart (thank you, friend). Partly, I was knowing that he was right, and I should do that, even though I knew it was probably just the panic again. But part of me, there was part in my head telling me no, you can't go there, they'll make you take your clothes off and touch you again. And nothing wrong had happened the first time, it is just right now, my head is getting it all confused and triggered, and I am getting myself more scared and panicked on nothing.

Everything right now is so overwhelming feeling, I can not like, 'sort it out' or fix it all in my head. Part I feel terrible, like I could not protect my sister from this pain, even though I know that is not rational. It is how I always feel growing up, and it make me feel more like child again. I feel sad, I feel so much sad, like again, part of my heart is just gone, and I want so much to just not care about anyone else again, to just distance myself in emotions from my neice, my sister, my friends I love, because I do not know I can survive such loss again. I am not, but I feel small, and trapped under something very large and helpless to get out. I feel fear, I feel panic, I feel stupid at what I can think in my head is not rational fear, but I feel it still anyway. Everything just is confusing and upsetting and scary right now, and my whole body, my skin, it all feels so tight and on the edge, like one wrong word or small thing will just make me explode.

I still think I am not saying things right, but I am trying here.


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#207959 - 02/28/08 07:39 PM Re: long, triggers [Re: VN]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Visha,
The thought of you going through all this pain is overwhelming even to me. My prayers go out to your sister and her family whose grief must be unbearable right now.
And you...I wish there were something more tangible that I could do for you. I understand your panic attacks. You have been retraumatized on two fronts where you have already been so hurt. I hope you are not alone. I would certainly encourage you to go to the hospital if your attacks and heart issues do not calm down soon.
(((((Visha))))) I am glad you came here to let us know. I'm praying for you right now. You do not deserve this. You have come through so much -- life is so unfair. You are a very strong man, even though you do not feel that way. perhaps you can be a real comfort to your sister in this time since you know exactly how she feels.
Keep in touch.
love
Paul


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#207963 - 02/28/08 07:57 PM Re: long, triggers [Re: Paul1959]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Visha----------------the crap never quits-----------------so sorry--------------hoping you are taking care of yourself----------------------steve


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#207967 - 02/28/08 08:35 PM Re: long, triggers [Re: sabata]
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
(((((Visha)))))

We will talk. I am sorry I could not understand you last night, my brother. \:\(


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#208010 - 02/29/08 02:06 AM Re: long, triggers [Re: FLRich]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Thank you for responding, and for who I talk to in chat room last few days. Still panic is difficult to deal of, very frequent, they given to me some medicine that rather make me feel 'dull' like, and make me tired, but not help me to sleep. Still only sleeping an hour or such at a time. Trying to just get through of this. Thank you for kind people who is helping.

vn


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#208023 - 02/29/08 07:27 AM Re: long, triggers [Re: VN]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Visha

We havent talked much but i am so sorry for the pain you are going through.

All i can say is that im thinking of you and your sister and everyone involved will find peace and a way through this. I know words are no good at a time like this, but i will be thinking of you all and for the first time in my life i will say a prayer for you all.

Be strong and we are here for you.

Ben


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#208124 - 02/29/08 07:51 PM Re: long, triggers [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
You know that you are in my good thoughts, you and your sister and her family. It is so very hard, the loss of anyone we love, but specially such young and innocent life.

Andrei


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#209500 - 03/08/08 07:00 AM Re: long, triggers [Re: ak]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I am sorry to 'bump' this again, but a friend sent me a private message saying he had concern because I had not post nothing else.

I thank all who been so kind to offer good thoughts and such to myself and my sister. Last week was quite difficult, this week, I gone back to working some, I started at voluntary position also, and just am trying to be more busy, to help to get through some.

I was suppose to be in U.S. this last week, for work, and I had contacted the person last week about what happened that I did not feel that I could emotionally do it, to be away from my sister and neice so soon after the loss. He was very understanding, even deposited the pay I would have got into my account, saying he never pay me enough anyway, and perhaps that will help with the work I lose here last week when all it happen. I also gotten emails from many of the people I would have work with this week offering their thoughts, which I thought was so very kind. Both my roommates been traveling recently for work, but both come back here for a day or two, to just offer support.

I am very fortunate, and greatful, for all these people, and for all the people here who have been so very kind to me, at this time and always when I am here. Thank you all very much.

VN


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#209670 - 03/09/08 05:31 AM Re: long, triggers [Re: VN]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
VN
You have shown the same to all of us these past few years,when ever we needed it. I am so glad people in your life are so understanding.

Would be interrested in hearing about your voluntary work. I think that is always a good way to keep us from isolating too much.

See you Monday.

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#209673 - 03/09/08 06:05 AM Re: long, triggers [Re: Muldoon]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Visha,

I'm glad you bumped this up - I had not seen it the first time. I'm so sorry for the loss you have all suffered with Marya's passing.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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