Newest Members
Barracuda312, Just Hanging, mossTI, E35, 1975
12339 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
GeneF48 (66), kun wang (32)
Who's Online
2 registered (finallyhere, 1 invisible), 18 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12339 Members
74 Forums
63437 Topics
443446 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#207851 - 02/27/08 09:51 PM Sex and what it meant to me
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Ok I am going to share some of my therapy session here because I think it might help someone. I wll post it in Fand F also as it relates to Sex with partners of survivors.

My T asked me today when I first had sex.

Naturally I began recounting the times I could remember starting with my first memories and working forward a little.
He stopped me and pointed out that I was recounting the molestations and rapes.

In essence I equate sex with rape and molestation, and seductions.

That was a stunner. I began to realize that the reason my wife and were not clicking sexually, especially if she made the first move was becase I was connecting that in my head with abuse that I experienced.

Solution: I need to work with my wife to RE Sexualize me. So I equate in my head sex with a good experience with my wife. So simple but I could not see that. Something to work on this week.

Does anyone else have a problem with haveing normal healthy sex with your partner due the that act triggering a freeze up or bad feelings?



Edited by Freedom49 (02/27/08 09:52 PM)

Top
#207899 - 02/28/08 09:46 AM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: Freedom49]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2575
Up until recently I would have said no. I've always been a bit hyper-sexual I guess, as in, if my wife would have been up to it sex would have been a daily experience. Although I wouldn't say that I connected really with my wife during sex, I just needed sex. But now, and in complete and utter honesty, all with but a few exceptions, during sex my mind has always either turned off, or gone off to some "safe" fantasy. Looking at it now I'd say it was a soothing/coping thing. Kinda like the daily MB.

But now, starting last week, I've been having various feelings etc that have made some things a hindrance and have left me feeling like crying right there in the middle of things. It stemmed from the fact that I tried to do two things. One, I tried to stay present with my wife. No shutting off, no fantasy. Two following my therapists advice, I tried to pay attention to what I was feeling at the time. That led to my relating the physical sensations I was experiencing to similar ones I had as a kid. So things are a bit rough. I guess it doesn't help me that my wife hates sex. If I up and sold my boys to science I think she'd be quite content to not have sex. As it is, it's a rather rare event. There are times, when I want it that it's quite apparently that she doesn't. Early on in our marriage she'd go along anyway, and for a few times that was fine, but then after awhile It started to make me feel dirty. Like I was forcing her. Looking back I can see why I felt that way, but at the time I didn't understand what I was feeling at all.

Non-aroused me really hates sex right now. I want nothing to do with it. But when Mr. Aroused comes out, forget it, he's raring to go. It's like Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyper-Sexual.

Sorry if this is TMI.


Top
#207916 - 02/28/08 01:29 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: JustScott]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts. Its a great question you ask, Freedom. I would love to know how to resexualize both my H and myself. We didn't have sex for many years because the only way he could participate was by going into autopilot, that made the experience horrible for me. Later, he worked through things enough that we can now have sex and my needs get met too. We both really enjoy it and would like a regular sex life (regular, here meaning on a frequent schedule :))... but we still dont have one and its a highly stressful aspect of our relationship......... so much baggage. His childhood, our relationship, his affair, its a veritable minefield. I think right now we are both really frustrated and neither of us really have a clue where to even start sorting all this out. The word 'resexualizing' sounds very optimistic and positive to me. Is it possible to sort of start over and retrain ourselves?

Justscott, if sex for you until recently has been about coping and soothing, is it possible that's part of why your wife hates it? I really dont want to offend, and I have a lot of respect for you and what you are going through. Your story just sounds so familiar to me because of my H, I am just itching to share!

A lot of the problem for us has been that my requirements for arousal and satisfaction are a lot more extensive than those of my H. I think this is a pretty normal difference between the sexes. (For example, while he's pretty much ready to go anytime, anywhere, anyhow, I need to be relaxed and feel close in order to start feeling aroused). This caused a problem for us, not because my H is selfish, but because his CSA left him with issues relating to doing things for other people's pleasure. Doing stuff to turn me on is a trigger for him. As is planning anything to do with sex... this all but removes the possibility of anything romantic that might help me feel close. Combining my needs and his restrictions and triggers doesn't leave us much to work with! And we are really only just embarking on trying to sort it all out.

OK, so was THAT TMI?
(giggling nervously...)
LJA


Top
#207921 - 02/28/08 01:52 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: LJA]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2575
Nah, not TMI from where I'm sitting :-)

My wife has never been into sex at all, even when we were newly married. She was basically always taught that sex should only be for procreation and outside of that it's some kind of wrong/sinful thing. Ticks me off, because even with all I've been through I know better than that, and deep down she does too, but all those feelings are still there for her.


Top
#207927 - 02/28/08 03:37 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: JustScott]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Lja and scott,
I see this as a big problem for a lot of people and not just due to abuse. We all enter the bedroom of our marriages with lots of baggage. My T says in order to re sexualize us we need to maybe even think of another word for sex. Not realizing it I had been trained to equate sex with molestation/ rape /abuse. Or someting dirty and wrong. What me and Patti need to do is find another way to come together. Dinner out, new dress/ nighty different circumstances for when we have sex. It has to become to me at least a totally different feeling experience than what I have always felt when sex happens. I need a new setting, a new feeling, new atmosphere surrounding the experience in order to train my brain that when the subject or opportunity comes up I am in a different place mentally for it so that I enjoy it. That will take some work and some time but I think it will be worth it. YAAAAA

Scott you and your wife may need to try this also for different reasons for each of you. The way we were used to starting our sex was just to close to bad memories for me. I wanted to go away also and just not be there. She sensed it an it was not fun for her either.


Top
#207950 - 02/28/08 05:30 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: Freedom49]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
yeah freedom, it will be totally worth it! you and your wife deserve to have lots of loving, fun, enjoyable <insert whatever new name you are going to use>!!! other things that might be new experiences for your senses... music, new smells such as scented candles or incense. (They say sense of smell is closely tied to memory so maybe you could choose a new safe scent to associate with <new name>).

scott, isn't what your wife was taught abusive? she was given misinformation about an important part of herself. I hope she keeps working through that because she's really missing out otherwise.

LJA


Top
#207953 - 02/28/08 06:30 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: LJA]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Wow, this is interesting to read. I wonder if I'll be able to press the Submit after writing this... lol

I've wondered about "sex therapists" and what that's all about. I am just too ashamed to talk about actual sex with my T. But I sure wonder about it a lot. Re-sexualizing sounds really interesting, and I wonder what that could mean because clearly a lot of things got sexualized from abuse in the mix.





Edited by LandOfShadow (02/29/08 10:02 AM)
_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#208000 - 02/29/08 12:38 AM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: LandOfShadow]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2575
Hey LJA, I gotta eat my words. I was talking to my wife tonight and mentioned you comments and..... well she agreed. While she does have other issues, she said that was a big one for her. She told me she could always tell I was disconnected but didn't know what to call it as she didn't really know what is was until I recently starting learning about all this stuff and trying to get it all figured out.

Wow. Learning Lots.


Top
#208055 - 02/29/08 11:36 AM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: JustScott]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Scott;Yay! Learning is great, and its a lovely bonus that you have already decided to start working on this for yourself.

LandofShadow; I can totally relate to the sex therapy aversion. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I'm going to invite my H (BMF) to post on this thread because he's had some good results with training himself not to check out.

{Off topic; BMF and I just decided it was OK to divulge our connection here. Hope that doesn't make it weird for anyone}.

LJA


Top
#208096 - 02/29/08 04:18 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: LJA]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
YOUR MARRIED TO BMG OH MY GOD.........
Just kidding my wife pops on here now and then too. I have encouraged her to check this forum out too. Welcome and glad to see your so involved on her.


Top
#208101 - 02/29/08 04:31 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: Freedom49]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2575
I've been doing pretty well with not disconnecting, only trouble is I haven't be able to "finish" as they say since then, and even any drive to MB has really gone way way down to the point where I haven't at all. I'm ok with it right now, figuring that as things are dealt with it'll get better.

Sorry if that's TMI.


Top
#208107 - 02/29/08 06:03 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: JustScott]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
Hi Scott,

This is my first posting on the F&F side, so it feels a little strange jumping into water so deep.

When I left LJA during my meltdown, I also had problems with finishing. It was due to a combination of things; fatigue and depression, but mostly severe guilt. From what I know about sexual addiction, people can go through periods ranging from obsession to anorexia. I've been there. What I discovered is that the more I worried about it, the worse it got. Once I had partly resolved my error in judgment with LJA, and my future looked brighter, things improved immensely. I think this phenomenon probably holds true for anything that plays in the back of our minds and distracts us from the here and now.

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

Top
#208290 - 03/01/08 05:03 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: Freedom49]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
The issues I have in my marriage with sex is that he does not have a super sex drive, and I do. He likes simple and quiet and I like bells and whistles and whatever else. If I talk, it bothers him, if I want to do something different, he shuts down...now, this has been a huge issue, maninly because I didn't know about his abuse. I thought it was me, I was wrong, he would even go as far as to tell me I was addicted to sex because I wanted it more. Things made him uncomfortable that I didn't think should. I didn't think he was attracted to me. Add onto that the name calling and rages and I pretty much thought I was not good enough for this man. Knowing about this is all very new, so I have not even began to deal with the sex relationship between us. I did ask him if he thought his level of desire had anything to do with it and he said he didn't think so....I think so, but this is all going to be baby steps. I'm working things out for myself with our therapist. I just have to give him some time.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

Top
#208294 - 03/01/08 05:15 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: dangal]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Jen,
I just had a lot of trouble having sex with my wife due to the fact that I was unconciously equating it with the sex that occurred duing my abuse. I could not separate it from that. I did all kinds of mental gymnastics to have sex and please her because I loved her but honestly it was hard. It brought back so many memories and was so confusing I think I at times would just go someplace in my heat during till it was over or she was satisfied. Very mechanical and not very rewarding for her. I think that is why when the urge for it came on me I would either meet a guy for quick anonymous sex or just MB because it was quick, easy and there was no emotional mental gymnastics to deal with.
I can't believe I just wrote that and am thinking of posting this on the net......
Well, if it helps any of you to understand your H better I guess it will be worth the humiiiation.

Anyway, If my wife and I can re sexualize me so that I no longer equate the feeling of sexual desire with abuse it will be worth if for both of us.
dear god is there such a thing as to open.


Top
#208299 - 03/01/08 05:23 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: Freedom49]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Thanks! Don't feel humilated! I think it's very caring that you would put yourself out there to help others. I'm the one in the end that started being a robot because it really was not that great for me the same way, routine, over and over and ONLY when I bugged him about getting down to some business. I'm hoping my dh can open up more as the time goes on so that the communcations can help us. I made the mistake of telling him I loved him once (durning the act)and that turned out not very nice for me. He just pushed me off him. NOW it all makes sense. THEN I thought, dear lord, all I am is a object for him, not something he loves during. Healing is coming, I know it. THANKS again for telling me!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.