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#207851 - 02/27/08 09:51 PM Sex and what it meant to me
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Ok I am going to share some of my therapy session here because I think it might help someone. I wll post it in Fand F also as it relates to Sex with partners of survivors.

My T asked me today when I first had sex.

Naturally I began recounting the times I could remember starting with my first memories and working forward a little.
He stopped me and pointed out that I was recounting the molestations and rapes.

In essence I equate sex with rape and molestation, and seductions.

That was a stunner. I began to realize that the reason my wife and were not clicking sexually, especially if she made the first move was becase I was connecting that in my head with abuse that I experienced.

Solution: I need to work with my wife to RE Sexualize me. So I equate in my head sex with a good experience with my wife. So simple but I could not see that. Something to work on this week.

Does anyone else have a problem with haveing normal healthy sex with your partner due the that act triggering a freeze up or bad feelings?



Edited by Freedom49 (02/27/08 09:52 PM)

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#207899 - 02/28/08 09:46 AM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: Freedom49]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2586
Up until recently I would have said no. I've always been a bit hyper-sexual I guess, as in, if my wife would have been up to it sex would have been a daily experience. Although I wouldn't say that I connected really with my wife during sex, I just needed sex. But now, and in complete and utter honesty, all with but a few exceptions, during sex my mind has always either turned off, or gone off to some "safe" fantasy. Looking at it now I'd say it was a soothing/coping thing. Kinda like the daily MB.

But now, starting last week, I've been having various feelings etc that have made some things a hindrance and have left me feeling like crying right there in the middle of things. It stemmed from the fact that I tried to do two things. One, I tried to stay present with my wife. No shutting off, no fantasy. Two following my therapists advice, I tried to pay attention to what I was feeling at the time. That led to my relating the physical sensations I was experiencing to similar ones I had as a kid. So things are a bit rough. I guess it doesn't help me that my wife hates sex. If I up and sold my boys to science I think she'd be quite content to not have sex. As it is, it's a rather rare event. There are times, when I want it that it's quite apparently that she doesn't. Early on in our marriage she'd go along anyway, and for a few times that was fine, but then after awhile It started to make me feel dirty. Like I was forcing her. Looking back I can see why I felt that way, but at the time I didn't understand what I was feeling at all.

Non-aroused me really hates sex right now. I want nothing to do with it. But when Mr. Aroused comes out, forget it, he's raring to go. It's like Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyper-Sexual.

Sorry if this is TMI.


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#207916 - 02/28/08 01:29 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: JustScott]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts. Its a great question you ask, Freedom. I would love to know how to resexualize both my H and myself. We didn't have sex for many years because the only way he could participate was by going into autopilot, that made the experience horrible for me. Later, he worked through things enough that we can now have sex and my needs get met too. We both really enjoy it and would like a regular sex life (regular, here meaning on a frequent schedule :))... but we still dont have one and its a highly stressful aspect of our relationship......... so much baggage. His childhood, our relationship, his affair, its a veritable minefield. I think right now we are both really frustrated and neither of us really have a clue where to even start sorting all this out. The word 'resexualizing' sounds very optimistic and positive to me. Is it possible to sort of start over and retrain ourselves?

Justscott, if sex for you until recently has been about coping and soothing, is it possible that's part of why your wife hates it? I really dont want to offend, and I have a lot of respect for you and what you are going through. Your story just sounds so familiar to me because of my H, I am just itching to share!

A lot of the problem for us has been that my requirements for arousal and satisfaction are a lot more extensive than those of my H. I think this is a pretty normal difference between the sexes. (For example, while he's pretty much ready to go anytime, anywhere, anyhow, I need to be relaxed and feel close in order to start feeling aroused). This caused a problem for us, not because my H is selfish, but because his CSA left him with issues relating to doing things for other people's pleasure. Doing stuff to turn me on is a trigger for him. As is planning anything to do with sex... this all but removes the possibility of anything romantic that might help me feel close. Combining my needs and his restrictions and triggers doesn't leave us much to work with! And we are really only just embarking on trying to sort it all out.

OK, so was THAT TMI?
(giggling nervously...)
LJA


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#207921 - 02/28/08 01:52 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: LJA]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2586
Nah, not TMI from where I'm sitting :-)

My wife has never been into sex at all, even when we were newly married. She was basically always taught that sex should only be for procreation and outside of that it's some kind of wrong/sinful thing. Ticks me off, because even with all I've been through I know better than that, and deep down she does too, but all those feelings are still there for her.


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#207927 - 02/28/08 03:37 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: JustScott]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Lja and scott,
I see this as a big problem for a lot of people and not just due to abuse. We all enter the bedroom of our marriages with lots of baggage. My T says in order to re sexualize us we need to maybe even think of another word for sex. Not realizing it I had been trained to equate sex with molestation/ rape /abuse. Or someting dirty and wrong. What me and Patti need to do is find another way to come together. Dinner out, new dress/ nighty different circumstances for when we have sex. It has to become to me at least a totally different feeling experience than what I have always felt when sex happens. I need a new setting, a new feeling, new atmosphere surrounding the experience in order to train my brain that when the subject or opportunity comes up I am in a different place mentally for it so that I enjoy it. That will take some work and some time but I think it will be worth it. YAAAAA

Scott you and your wife may need to try this also for different reasons for each of you. The way we were used to starting our sex was just to close to bad memories for me. I wanted to go away also and just not be there. She sensed it an it was not fun for her either.


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#207950 - 02/28/08 05:30 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: Freedom49]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
yeah freedom, it will be totally worth it! you and your wife deserve to have lots of loving, fun, enjoyable <insert whatever new name you are going to use>!!! other things that might be new experiences for your senses... music, new smells such as scented candles or incense. (They say sense of smell is closely tied to memory so maybe you could choose a new safe scent to associate with <new name>).

scott, isn't what your wife was taught abusive? she was given misinformation about an important part of herself. I hope she keeps working through that because she's really missing out otherwise.

LJA


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#207953 - 02/28/08 06:30 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: LJA]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Wow, this is interesting to read. I wonder if I'll be able to press the Submit after writing this... lol

I've wondered about "sex therapists" and what that's all about. I am just too ashamed to talk about actual sex with my T. But I sure wonder about it a lot. Re-sexualizing sounds really interesting, and I wonder what that could mean because clearly a lot of things got sexualized from abuse in the mix.





Edited by LandOfShadow (02/29/08 10:02 AM)
_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#208000 - 02/29/08 12:38 AM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: LandOfShadow]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2586
Hey LJA, I gotta eat my words. I was talking to my wife tonight and mentioned you comments and..... well she agreed. While she does have other issues, she said that was a big one for her. She told me she could always tell I was disconnected but didn't know what to call it as she didn't really know what is was until I recently starting learning about all this stuff and trying to get it all figured out.

Wow. Learning Lots.


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#208055 - 02/29/08 11:36 AM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: JustScott]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Scott;Yay! Learning is great, and its a lovely bonus that you have already decided to start working on this for yourself.

LandofShadow; I can totally relate to the sex therapy aversion. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I'm going to invite my H (BMF) to post on this thread because he's had some good results with training himself not to check out.

{Off topic; BMF and I just decided it was OK to divulge our connection here. Hope that doesn't make it weird for anyone}.

LJA


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#208096 - 02/29/08 04:18 PM Re: Sex and what it meant to me [Re: LJA]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
YOUR MARRIED TO BMG OH MY GOD.........
Just kidding my wife pops on here now and then too. I have encouraged her to check this forum out too. Welcome and glad to see your so involved on her.


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