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#207752 - 02/27/08 12:02 PM .
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:17 PM)

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#207898 - 02/28/08 09:45 AM Re: sexual triggers [Re: bardo213]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Hey mob, I've been sorta checking on your "status" from time to time because I completely understand your anger and frustration. I just haven't said much because as an "out" person myself, I definitely do not want you to think that I am going to try to convince you that are hiding anything, which is what those awful "friends" of yours seem to be suggesting. You can trust me when I say that it will not hurt my feelings if you do not feel comfortable discussing your feelings or trusting an openly "gay" man at this point. The painfulness of your situation seems clear to me and I don't want to be a trigger for you.

Having said that, I'm trying to figure out where I might be able to help you because it seems clear that you understand how pointless and hurtful labels are. Labels can be as damaging as a disease when you use them to apply to people. You might remember a while back I made a suggestion to you that "gay" and "abuse" should not be treated as a single issue, and it seemed you understood very quickly the importance of making that distinction.

The way you describe your friends ribbing you about "looking" gay just makes me feel awful, even a bit angry. You may be blaming yourself for their behavior, and that is not acceptable. It hurts you, and that is all that matters. They are being cruel for not considering the consequences of their words and actions. I say it this way because in your post it sounds like you are taking the approach that this is your problem to solve, and I'm not sure if you are aware of the possibility that the problem is not you. I don't know how much involvement these friends actually have in your life so I would never tell someone in your situation to simply find new friends.

If I can give you my honest opinion, I believe that the healthiest thing to do here might be to recognize who is responsible for these unbelievably unpleasant feelings (these friends of yours), and then decide if you think it is possible to stop the behavior. You have every right to go out for an afternoon or an evening of socialization, and not have to be triggered when it is so completely unnecessary. There is always the possibility that they might not be mature enough to understand that it needs to stop immediately. If that turns out to be the case, the decision seems clear, which does not necessarily mean that it will also be easy. In fact, it most likely won't be easy no matter what you decide.

I hope what I am saying here does not strike you unpleasantly in any way. I am learning to communicate with people differently everyday myself. We are all on a similar journey here.

Take care,

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#207915 - 02/28/08 01:18 PM . [Re: cbfull]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:17 PM)

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#208027 - 02/29/08 08:42 AM Re: sexual triggers [Re: bardo213]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
They would know if I was straight or not.

Nobody "knows" anything about you that you don't tell them. That is a fact that you can take to the bank.

Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
...how would you go about telling your friends to quite ripping on you about your sexuality ya know thats way people are!

I don't quite know how to respond to that, but I think it boils down to a matter of respect. If you ask them not to make those kind of comments, and they continue, I don't see how they can respect you and your feelings.


Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
I guess im just going to have set some strong boundaries and pick and choose who will benefit a + outlook in my life.

That sounds like a great start!


Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
It tore me apart for a long time because of that little word "gay"


You are most certainly not alone on that one, many guys here (whatever their sexuality) have been and still are struggling with that word.

Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
It wasn't just my friends it was my family as well and its hard for me because what they don't understand scares them.


I'm sorry that you can't depend on your family members to respect your feelings, but it wouldn't surprise me if the ones making comments had sexuality issues of their own. That's why they put forth the effort to redirect anyone's attention.

Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
I think a lot of it is I feel a lot of shame and guilt behind my abuse and it messes with my head everyday. I also think a lot of it is learning to be able to deal with my anger in healthy ways.


Do you have a copy of Mike Lew's Victims No Longer yet? I have just started reading it myself and so far I am very, very impressed with the material. These issues are explained in great detail. It helps to take the mystery out of those very confusing emotions.

That ex-girlfriend of yours ought to be ashamed of herself. She violated a very important confidence, whether you asked her to keep it in confidence or not. What a complete lack of respect AND maturity. She revictimized you, and I'm very sorry to hear that. I was revictimized myself in college, and I think that year traumatized me more than anything else.

As far as religion goes, I don't think it's something to be worried about, but I'm not saying that's it's easy to sort out either. I have created my own personal religion and I simply love it. It's a very personal interpretation of the world so please be aware it could sound disturbing to some people. If you are interested I will gladly share it with you.

Routine patterns help most of us, it keeps us from overthinking and ruminating on our painful pasts. "Dropping" the things that trigger you certainly helps to keep your head above water, but be aware that there is a word for this, and that is avoidance. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with coping that way, just don't beat yourself up if can't avoid triggers 100% of the time. That's would be and incredibly unrealistic expectation. The key is learning new coping skill and gaining new tools to bounce back faster. You are already doing the things necessary to get those skills and tools.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#208078 - 02/29/08 02:41 PM . [Re: cbfull]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:17 PM)

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#208944 - 03/05/08 10:04 AM Re: sexual triggers [Re: bardo213]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
My apologies, I interpreted something you said as avoidance. I have a tendency to project my issues onto others from time to time. Also, learning to identify when we've been triggered and then what caused the trigger is a huge part of how we recover, so you are right on!

I used to journal constantly when I was feeling bad. I never figured out what the point of it was so I stopped doing it, but that's just me. I found out very quickly that these books are not to be read cover to cover like you would a novel. After the first two chapters, I was so overwhelmed by how it was describing me on a very deep level, I had to stop. It's extremely important to pace yourself so you can reflect and digest the information.

I know what you mean about your symptoms being more toward the same sex. I am gradually learning to recognize the difference between feelings that are a result of the abuse and feelings that are a result of a simple attraction.

No offense taken. It would be more helpful to you if you could get a little more diversity in the responses, but try not to be hurt if no one jumps in right away. At this point sometimes it's better to just start a new thread.

Take care!
Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#208953 - 03/05/08 11:02 AM Re: sexual triggers *DELETED* [Re: cbfull]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#210121 - 03/11/08 03:47 PM . [Re: awakening]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:18 PM)

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