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#207623 - 02/26/08 08:59 PM What to do with it?
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Dear F&F;

On occassion I can post the right question to you and I'm overflowing with support and emotion. It's doubtful this is one of those questions but I'll give it a shot anyway.

What do I do with my thoughts and feelings about us? My partner had begun therapy in July of 2007 just after he disclosed to me. I had told him that I couldn't be in this relationship if he didn't seek help. He did but since October it's ended. For New Year's we escaped to a Spa/get away to recharge for the new year sort of powering up to take the bull by it's horns and do what's long over due. Well I guess that way my interpretation of it and it sounded soooo good. My partner had told me that he'll begin again after the new year. Now since the new year is here, he's told me that he is going to look for a new T. I talked to my T and she gave me 3 names of T's dealing with CSA. I know that healing can only begin when he's ready and I'm now really swallowing that thought every day. He's got to want it, he's got to want to heal. And to be honest I want him to throw into he statement, "She's worth it too"...(if he doesn't work through this we won't make it).

So what do I do with my thoughts about our relationship deteriorating if he doesn't address this? I don't know.....

thoughts?

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#207655 - 02/27/08 12:14 AM Re: What to do with it? [Re: Agape Girl]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Agape,
I think you need to sit him down face to face after a good candle lite dinner and maybe hot tub and lay it out when he is feeling mellow. He is afraid and I don't blame him. It is scary. It will be painful I guarentee it. Reasure him that you will be there for him and will listen and not judge him. He has to do this for him. Not you. If he does it for you it will not be the same at all. As soon as you have an argument or disagreement he will no longer feel the need to do this for you. It has to be for HIM. Tell him there is hope, there is healing and he will enjoy the relationship so much more when he is capable of opening up and being in the moment with you. Just my opinion.


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#207722 - 02/27/08 09:16 AM Re: What to do with it? [Re: Freedom49]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
AG,

I don't usually comment to these posts because I'm not sure if I have the skills to be of any help. However, I think I see some similarity between your partner and myself and I thought I'd share my feelings on the subject.

Roger said it already, and I would agree, that your partner has to be willing to do this for himself - he shouldn't be pressured into something if he's not ready or willing. At the present time, I'm in a similar situation. My GF and I have spoken. I know she really wants me to go to a T and I know I need to go to a T, but I've not been able to muster up the courage to actually go. The thought of trusting someone and talking face-to-face about my abuse is something that fills me with indescribable amounts of fear and doubt.

At the same time, I realize that I am in a relationship and my actions, or inactions, also affect my GF. I think that if he doesn't already know this, you need to make your partner aware of this fact. If my GF reached a point in her frustration that she was questioning the future of our relationship, I would hope that she would be able to talk to me about it. As much as I want our relationship to work throughout my recovery, I realize that in the end she must also do what's right for her - and that might mean leaving me behind. I would hate this, and the thought scares the hell out of me, but it's up to her to decide how much she can take. I would never blame her for that and, really, when all is said and done, I just want her to be happy.

So, what to do with your thoughts about your relationship deteriorating if he doesn't address this? My answer is simple; share them with him. If he doesn't think he's able to do what's best for himself, then I would say he should know you need to do whatever you think is best for you.

I'm sorry if that's not the answer you were looking for. I hope and pray that the two of you can work through this.

Respectfully,

Scott


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#207747 - 02/27/08 11:47 AM Re: What to do with it? [Re: BruisedSpirit]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Thank you to the both, Scott.....you may not be in Therapy but you're HERE! that's a start. So Kuddo's to you!

thanks

Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#207766 - 02/27/08 01:33 PM Re: What to do with it? [Re: Agape Girl]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: Agape Girl
So Kuddo's to you!


Kelly,

You too, you deserve kuddos for being here trying to understand and help your partner. Your efforts here speak volumes about how good a person you are.

I wish you and your partner all the best.

Scott


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