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#207369 - 02/25/08 06:48 PM looked way back to see if this had been posted on
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
deep breath... & maybe another one... ok... here goes

Has anybody else ever become "infatuated" with another member here?
How did you deal with it ?
(If you are uncomfortable posting, please feel free to PM me)


Before you all go "holy crap I chatted with this guy is it me?"
I have disclosed my feelings to said "infatuee" & am letting the chips fall where they may

Am I lonely?
Hell yeah
Are my emotions misplaced & some may even say "inappropriate"
Quite possibly so

Do I feel foolish?
No

It's been a long time since I have felt anything remotely resembling "infatuation" or GULP "love" towards anyone
Luckily my "object" is a strong folkr (partly why I was drawn)
I NEED to deal upfront with ALL of my feelings here
misguided though they may be

Need some dialogue/feedback on this

Craig





Edited by ineffable (02/25/08 07:16 PM)
_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#207381 - 02/25/08 07:14 PM Re: looked way back to see if this had been posted on [Re: ineffable]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Craig,
I cannot fathom this NOT happening before. We deal with raw emotions here and are more open online than we ever would be in person. That said it is entirely possible you have seen something in a person here that you are attracted to. There are many guys on here that I think are really terrific people and I have closed more that one post with Love you, or some variation thereof. Some of the guys here have really been wonderful to me. I think if I were lonely and available that could very possibly be a something I would have to be careful of.
I would be cautious though with emotions flying all over the map on this site and take it pretty slow. All of us on here have been trough a lot and carry a lot of baggage which you well know from reading our stories. I would not discount that romance would bloom under the right circumstances but I would definately take it really slow and spend a year or so getting to know who ever it is really well first before making major decisions.
Definately check with a moderator too and maybe your T and Ken Singer here on the site.
Still I wish you the all the best as you deserve it.



Edited by Freedom49 (02/25/08 07:16 PM)

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#207383 - 02/25/08 07:23 PM Re: looked way back to see if this had been posted [Re: Freedom49]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Thanks Roger I really appreciate that
I was a little nervous posting this topic
I looked all the way back to 2005 & found nothing
I am reading Victims No Longer right now
Chapter on Sex, Trust & Caring
I know my boundaries are really messed up in this area
Trying to make some sense & get things clearer in my head
The heart is another matter tho
I am seeing my T a week today
This will be the first thing I talk about




_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#207385 - 02/25/08 07:27 PM Re: looked way back to see if this had been posted [Re: ineffable]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Yes Craig, the heart is definately another matter. It can help heal or it can complicate the recovery process with a lot of interpersonal issues. Trust your gut.


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#207393 - 02/25/08 08:06 PM Re: looked way back to see if this had been posted [Re: Freedom49]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Craig,

Posting this was very brave! Iíve been here for over two years and never seen the subject directly addressed. Itís been dealt with in other posts, Iím sure, but Iíve never seen it met head on in public discussion.

First off, Iím glad you donít feel foolish - you shouldnít. Finally meeting others who know exactly how your feeling is very powerful and can lead to such a sense of relief. That said though, I think this place can be a lot like rehab. Romances, for lack of a better word, can start even though itís the last thing in the world that either party really needs. Almost everyone here has boundary issues and learning where those boundaries are and the right way to protect them is part of what happens here. Getting involved with someone from the site can be a very dangerous prospect.

Youíre very new here Craig and I donít know if youíve ever read the Discussion Board Guidelines, if you havenít, this is what in says, in part:

Quote:
MS believes that persons newly arrived here are often vulnerable to acting out or being occasionally targeted.

We have gone to great effort to monitor this site and to provide an environment which will welcome survivors, many of whom have serious trust issues. While we can not guarantee complete safety here, we strongly recommend that you do not give out personal information or involve yourself with anyone you meet here by going off site, until you have gotten to know them for at least three months based on communications on site. It is not appropriate to invite new persons to converse off site since we have no way to monitor off site activity. It is equally not appropriate to bring off site issues between persons to this board.

While we can't control anyone's off-site activities, it is our policy to discourage it and to urge anyone beginning such communication to proceed with caution. We want each of you to be safe and to use the site in the best way possible for your recovery.

We strongly recommend that you:

* Do not give your true legal name out to anyone who asks for it.
* Do not give out your personal email address to anyone here.
* Do not give anyone your home address, phone number or even the city you live in.
* Some well-meaning person may ask you to email him your picture. We ask that you do not do that.

Iím not chastising you Craig. As I said when I started this post, I think youíre very brave to post what youíre feeling and I believe some really good dialog will be opened because of it. Just remember, your safety and well being is important and I would hate to see you get in over your head or let your new found emotions force you into making a mistake that would hurt you or someone else.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#207405 - 02/25/08 08:23 PM Re: looked way back to see if this had been posted [Re: Trish4850]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Trish you rock!
Rehab romance aint fer me
Thoughts of Amy Winehouse came to mind... no no no
There is no chance of my getting physically involved with anyone from this site
I have read the guidelines & they have been followed
My "fixation" has been nothing but a gentleman
The only things that have been in any danger are my fragile feelings, my illusions, my ego & my pride
I am here to work
I am not going to shy away from ANYTHING
Want to get the frig on with my life
I really felt the care in your words Trish
Thanks!





Edited by ineffable (02/25/08 08:35 PM)
_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#207417 - 02/25/08 09:11 PM Re: looked way back to see if this had been posted [Re: ineffable]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Craig,

I agree with Trish in that this is a very courageous way of dealing with the issue you raise. She and Roger said most of the things I would have so I don't think there's any reason to continue repeating. I will say that this kind of honesty in a place such as this can bring about some real personal growth for yourself and can also bring about a very positive discussion resulting in other's facing things they may not otherwise have been willing to face.

To answer your original question I'll say "Yes, it has happened here before on the rare occasion." Unfortunately the cases we as moderator's hear about are usually the ones that turn out negatively in some way, which is the basis for the cautions Trish posted.

I admire your willingness to be introspective on this topic. Most of the time when an individual finds him/herself thusly enmeshed he/she is incapable of rational thought. You seem to have a leg up on that, Friend. Keep doing the hard and honest work.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#207422 - 02/25/08 09:33 PM Re: looked way back to see if this had been posted on [Re: ineffable]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA

Craig, all I can advise is that you keep it real, ya know? It's not surprising that infatuations happen all the time, so you just have to look after you own safely. Don't go falling off the deep end for someone you really don't know.

Just my two cents's worth. Luv ya lots!

Laz





Edited by Lazarus (02/26/08 06:48 AM)
_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#207426 - 02/25/08 09:49 PM Re: looked way back to see if this had been posted [Re: Lazarus]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
I had that coming

_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#207441 - 02/25/08 10:54 PM Re: looked way back to see if this had been posted [Re: ineffable]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
ineffable,

Like others above I found this a really brave and honest approach to a difficult topic. Yes, it does sometimes happen, and I can easily see why. A survivor comes here feeling worthless and unlovable and suddenly he's surrounded by people genuinely concerned for him and anxious to help. His emotional reaction could become quite intense and very quickly.

You are handling it in exactly the right way, I think. You are talking about it and trying to get a handle on it to see the extent to which this is a survivor issue. To an extent it almost certainly is. But hey, sometimes two people click, right?

For the site, the kind of overarching problem is that many guys come here with poor boundaries and extremely vulnerable. It's easy for such brothers to get carried away into areas they really don't want to get into, and then feel revictimized afterwards.

So sure, it's a real thing, a powerful emotion, and something worth talking about here. Thanks for getting the discussion started.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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