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#206980 - 02/23/08 03:45 PM Dealing with the acting out
heismyworld Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
In finding out about the childhood sexual abuse, has any wives or SOs felt horrible about the abuse your loved one suffered AND had a horrible time dealing with the acting out your loved one "had to do to survive"?


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#207423 - 02/25/08 09:38 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out *DELETED* [Re: heismyworld]
heismyworld Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
Post deleted by heismyworld


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#207425 - 02/25/08 09:44 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: heismyworld]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hi,

I know you are not the only one. Thankfully I did not act out with other men or women but my wife had to put up with some, shall we say, less than ideal activity on my part. Activity that was destructive to our relationship, and yeah, she had a rough time dealing with it.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#207434 - 02/25/08 10:40 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: WalkingSouth]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear heismyworld:

"Dealt with it" sounds as if it is all in the past...there are some moments that it all resurfaces once again. I get triggered into remembering the horrible pain that I felt in learning everything my husband was up to behind my back every time music from "The Killer's" is in earshot. It was popular at the same time as this all came into light...my daughter played it constantly...I finally asked her to no longer play that music. Fortunately, in the light of today, it has lifted a good bit. Thank goodness for therapy and good old fashioned hard work plus determination.
I spent a lot of time sifting through the feelings surrounding husband's acting out. It did take a lot of work, a lot of reading, a lot of help from many of the great survivors and friends & family of survivor's here to realize that the acting out was actually my husband acting out against himself. In the beginning, I took it personally...I took it to mean that he would rather not be with me any longer, that I was no longer what he wanted. It really did a number on my self esteem.
The acting out chopped a tree that landed between us...little by little though we've managed to haul away limb after limb and s l o w l y we are finding our way back towards what we had before which used to be pretty darn good...I am hopeful that our relationship and the emotional health of my family may end up actually become all the better. IT is a constant process; the way that we are all looking at our lives, realizing change is necessary and evolving.
The thing that is the most difficult to chop through however, is the destruction of trust. I saw in a movie not too long ago a great quote that I jotted down. The main character (bf) had cheated on his girl friend...bf asked gf's father who was a therapist "how do I get her back and keep her forever in my life?" The father's response was, "you do whatever it takes for as long as it takes." The way I see it, if neither person in the relationship gives up, then it'll work...the key is however, both must be willing to "do whatever it takes."
One thing is for certain, this has made me realize the true meaning of a committed relationship. I'm sorry that you too realize how difficult this experience can be.
Best wishes,
S-n-S



Edited by sweet-n-sour (02/25/08 10:42 PM)
_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#207465 - 02/26/08 02:04 AM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
heismyworld,
I wish you could talk to my wife. She had to deal with some serious acting out with me in the early years of our marriage. I still cannot believe she loved me enough to pick me up from jail after my arrest and take me home. I probably would be dead if she hadn't. She too believed in a committed covenant relationship, better or worse. She didn't realize how much worse could be. She loved me however and I loved her and we got help and have been together 19 years. I knew I had problems and I tried to warn her before we married but her love for me was good nd true and I am alive and continuing to recover and help others do the same. We both had to want it as was mentioned before. I think that is the main key. I know how your husband feels. He needs help and may not even realize the full extent of how much. I know I didn't for years. The fact that you love him and are hanging in there is the best thing you can do for him. What you can do for your self is what your doing. Coming here and getting support from fellow strugglers. Believe me it is not you. You are terrific and deep down he knows that. If the two of you have become one then his damage is also yours and I pray for you too.
I don't know if this helps but I wanted to say I hear your pain.


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#207502 - 02/26/08 08:46 AM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: Freedom49]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Heismyworld,

“had a horrible time dealing with the acting out” is the understatement of the century. My b/f acted out for years with skanky women he met on the internet before I found out. It almost destroyed me and certainly us. So yes, I had a very hard time dealing with it. I’m still dealing with it. We’re two years past all of that, but the moment something goes awry, either for real or in my own mind, I’m right back in the thick of it, facing the fears and the mistrust. It’s a horrible feeling. What’s even more horrible is trying to take a step back and recognize what is real and what is not.

The only thing that works for me is to face it head-on. I don’t let my fear stew in my head, creating horrible fantasies of what may be happening. I tell him what has made me dive back into hell and we deal with it. The first couple of times this happened, it was brutally hard for both of us. For me, because I was just plain and simple scared to death, for him, because he felt accused of something yet at the same time, knew he had to make it right since he knew, through what I and his T had told him, that I needed lots of reassurances.

It’s better, way better actually, but I think the “dealing with it” is probably a life long effort.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#207530 - 02/26/08 11:43 AM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: Trish4850]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Heismyworld, I have been deeply traumatized by my H's acting out. After 22 years of a loving relationship, I was a HUGE threat to his perceived safety (by pursuing intimacy with him) and his 'acting out' was aimed squarely at me. Since he had never done anything to hurt me before, it almost completely destroyed me.

There are things that have definitely helped me in my trauma recovery. First was seeing a therapist who has a good understanding of CSA. She helped me get back on my emotional feet and she was also invaluable in helping me understand my H. In fact, almost all of the valuable insights about my H and CSA came from my therapy sessions, not from my H's. He didn't open up to his T and therefore got almost nothing out of the sessions.

Second, I journeled a lot. I find writing things down to be enormously theraputic. It takes all the muddled up mess in my head and organizes it into logical thoughts and feelings, some of which are a surprise to me.

Third, I have read and read and read about CSA. I have made it a point to be as educated about CSA as possible so that I never get blindsided again. Being educated will hopefully help me understand my h's behavior so I dont blame things on myself.

And last, I talk to my H about as much as possible. This is the really difficult one because it has the potential to go very very badly. But we keep trying.

I think being on this site is also a positive, but I haven't been here for too long either.

Hope that is of some use to you,
Good Luck,
LJA


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#207802 - 02/27/08 04:59 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: LJA]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi Heismyworld,


in answer to your question, I have been caught in a total nightmare due to my (now ex)bf's acting out. Except he won't even state if it's been acting out or not. In short, it's been like living in a kind of hell for years. For a very long time he told me everything from how he didn;t know if he'd want to have sex with men in the future, to if he could satisfy me, maybe he could have that too. He told me he thought he was gay numerous times. Looked at gay porn on the net, men when we were out. And finally at the end of last year, I found his email reply to an internet ad, which knocked me sideways. That was after he'd been trying to tell me that since the christmas before, he was not sexually confused anymore. I kicked him out and he immediately went and had sex with 3 men(I later found out it was 4) in the space of a week.


Shortly after I took him back, when he broke down saying he was so sorry and how much he loved me. I tried to make things work, but have not succeeded and i still don't know what the truth of anything is. As you will see form my other post, we are now seperated. I still love him and this hurts so bad. I am living in the hope that some space away from eachother will be good for us, one way or another. I hope he finds out who he truly is, and what it all means. If it was/is acting out or not. Perhaps there might be a future for us, or we'll both be set free.



All the very best of luck to you,
peace
Beccy


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#207818 - 02/27/08 05:55 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: beccy]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
What sweet-n-sour said above regarding (acting out was against himself) not anyone else, is very true. I did act out which I am very sorry for. I am humiliated for what I did do. I have not acted out since and will not do so again.

But because of what I did, the trust between my GF and me is broken. I do not think she will ever trust me again. I hurt her very deeply. I understand that now. However as said above, I acted out against myself. I did not do this to hurt her or anyone else. I am in a very progressive stage of recovery and healing. I know what I did was wrong, I know I have to heal so I can become a better person to myself. When I do that I will be a better person to my friends around me.

I really think to make a marriage/relationship work after a traumatic event has happened is that both parties must work to heal and mend the wounds. If both parties are not committed to do that through professional help, then the relationship is doomed. I feel both parties must get over the issues of punnishment for what has gone wrong. They must not punnish themselves or punnish the acting out person. Sooner or later when a person thinks he is constantly being punnished, the feeling of why try to do better sets in. Whatever I do will never be enough.

Hope this from the "Acting Out" person helps you.



Edited by KENKEN (02/27/08 05:58 PM)
_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#207889 - 02/28/08 07:26 AM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: KENKEN]
Hopeful wife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 14
Hi
I have not posted here in a very long time but I too have had to deal with a husband who acted out ( in his case it was with other men).
I do not have much advise to offer but at the time that I found this site and started posting there were a number of partners in the same position. My suggestion would be to read through my old posts and then read other posts which were written at the same time from other partners.

I joined this site two years ago and my husband and I are still together. I would love to tell you that everything is "fixed" and we are back to normal, and to all intent and purposes we are, but one thing I have learnt during this whole experience is that many of the survivors are very accomplished liars who have many years experience at hiding their true feelings and at hiding the truth.Often during the past two years I have had to deal with finding out that he is still not perfectly honest with me. It made me extremely paranoid but that has faded over time and I have decided that I cannot spend my life trying to catch him out in lies.

I have made every effort to be supportive and now it is up to him to make conscious decisions about his actions.

Best of luck


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#207949 - 02/28/08 05:16 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: Hopeful wife]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hopeful wife, I went back and read some of your old posts. The one about supporters as victims too really hit home for me. Reading your list of the ways you have been affected was empowering for me, thank you. A year and a half ago I felt my life had been destroyed, and can relate very much to my husband's symptoms now. I had flashbacks, I have triggers, I get numb, I now do denial for the first time in my life because the pain is so large that if I feel it, I can't function. Ironically, my H's 'acting out' was so traumatic for me that I now share some of his CSA symptoms!

You mentioned above that you wish you could say everything is fixed and back to normal. I dont think there is a back to normal, is there? I know for me, I will never be able to get back some of the things that were destroyed by my H's meltdown. There are some things I KNEW, that I will never know for sure again... (like he will never willingly hurt me). The world I lived in before seems like a fairy tale compared to this one. Before, I lived with the luxury of ignorance. Now I feel the cold hand of evil in my life. I am hopeful that the new normal, when we find it, will be better than the old fairy tale, but the route between the two sure is hell!

Thanks for your posts,
LJA


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#208054 - 02/29/08 11:31 AM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: heismyworld]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
hi everyone. I am new to the site. I have read some of the posts and can identify with many. I am the spouse of a csa. We have been married 18 years. My husband told me 5 years into our marriage about what happened to him, this was after almost a year of him mentally putting me down ( he used to say things like I was fat,(I was pregnant) he found me unattractive,bad mother,housekeeper,ect...) this left me very bewildered. This was not the warm generous man I married. After he told me alot made sense. He was in therapy and we recieved counseling together. He confronted his abuser(I was so proud) but because it was an immediate family member his family was not supportive. It was hard for him, but for the sake of our children we cut off ties with them. This was 13 years ago. Five years ago he went back to therapy for a while. When he first told me about this he never told any details but the one thing he did tell me was that he thought he was gay. I was crushed. After a few years in therapy he had said that he wasn't it was just confusing because his abuser was male. I accepted that, our sex life I've felt was always pretty good.Now it is 13ears later and everything is starting all over again like it is the very beginning again. He always starts with making me feel bad about myself, he even told me that I have sexual problems. I asked where this was coming from and now we are back to where he is questioning his sexuality again. Sorry so long, my question is how is the best way to handle this situation,so that I can support him without losing my sense of self in the process? I am starting therapy Monday,he has made no effort to restart it.


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#208094 - 02/29/08 04:09 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: Hopeful wife]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
[quote=Hopeful wife]Hi

I joined this site two years ago and my husband and I are still together. I would love to tell you that everything is "fixed" and we are back to normal, and to all intent and purposes we are, but one thing I have learnt during this whole experience is that many of the survivors are very accomplished liars who have many years experience at hiding their true feelings and at hiding the truth.Often during the past two years I have had to deal with finding out that he is still not perfectly honest with me. It made me extremely paranoid but that has faded over time and I have decided that I cannot spend my life trying to catch him out in lies.

I have made every effort to be supportive and now it is up to him to make conscious decisions about his actions.

Best of luck


I just am curious as to why after all the acting out your husband did, that you still are together. I have read your prior posts going back over 2 years. From your posts in does not sound to me that you Love this person you married. Seems to me you still have all the issues of an abuse survivor.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#208310 - 03/01/08 06:39 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: KENKEN]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
NY Daisy,

Hi and welcome! and BTW, I think your post may be getting lost in the thread...

I am so glad that you asked what you did; ie how to support him without losing yourself. the fact that you are even asking that makes it seem to me that you are on the right track. I posted my thoughts about keeping afloat earlier in the thread
so I wont repeat myself. I'm not sure I've done a particularly good job not losing myself anyway.

Hope your therapy appt goes well on Monday,
LJA


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#208748 - 03/04/08 08:20 AM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: LJA]
Hopeful wife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 14
Hi

I guess this post is in response to Ken's comments above.

Ken I am still with my husband because I believed at the time that he really wanted to deal with his issues and get help and he did make a serious effort to do so.

I would be interested to understand your reasoning in concluding that I don't love him. I don't feel the need to try to convince you of my feelings for him,but I am surprised by your assumption.

I think you need to understand that partners who have been hurt and betrayed can feel a lot of powerful and negative emotions while still loving the person involved.


The point I was trying to make in the post is that recovery is not an instant thing, I think often in a relationship there is an initial euphoria that everything is "out in the open" and therefore can be "fixed" and what I (and other partners I have been in contact with )have often had to learn to live with is
more of a "two steps forward,one step back" type situation.


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#208814 - 03/04/08 12:05 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: Hopeful wife]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Hopeful wife,

I read your posts as I said above and my perception by what you posted is that you do not love your husband. This is my perception and my opinion. I do hope for your sake you do love him and are still with him to continue to help him. That is if he is still working on his healing and recovery.

My GF and I are in a similiar situation because of my acting out. She is having a very hard time trusting me. And I understand that. But there are times that I feel I am constantly being punished and being controled by her. Thats just the way I feel.

Yea, we both say we still love each other. But we both know it is a very different kind of love.

And I certainly agree with your statement tht recovery is not instant. In fact I feel I will be in recovery for the remainder of my life. I hope that I will recover enough to be able to cope and deal with my CSA. But like a broken arm or the like, we survivors will never "get over" our abuse.

This are my thoughts and feelings.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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