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#207949 - 02/28/08 05:16 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: Hopeful wife]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hopeful wife, I went back and read some of your old posts. The one about supporters as victims too really hit home for me. Reading your list of the ways you have been affected was empowering for me, thank you. A year and a half ago I felt my life had been destroyed, and can relate very much to my husband's symptoms now. I had flashbacks, I have triggers, I get numb, I now do denial for the first time in my life because the pain is so large that if I feel it, I can't function. Ironically, my H's 'acting out' was so traumatic for me that I now share some of his CSA symptoms!

You mentioned above that you wish you could say everything is fixed and back to normal. I dont think there is a back to normal, is there? I know for me, I will never be able to get back some of the things that were destroyed by my H's meltdown. There are some things I KNEW, that I will never know for sure again... (like he will never willingly hurt me). The world I lived in before seems like a fairy tale compared to this one. Before, I lived with the luxury of ignorance. Now I feel the cold hand of evil in my life. I am hopeful that the new normal, when we find it, will be better than the old fairy tale, but the route between the two sure is hell!

Thanks for your posts,
LJA


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#208054 - 02/29/08 11:31 AM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: heismyworld]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
hi everyone. I am new to the site. I have read some of the posts and can identify with many. I am the spouse of a csa. We have been married 18 years. My husband told me 5 years into our marriage about what happened to him, this was after almost a year of him mentally putting me down ( he used to say things like I was fat,(I was pregnant) he found me unattractive,bad mother,housekeeper,ect...) this left me very bewildered. This was not the warm generous man I married. After he told me alot made sense. He was in therapy and we recieved counseling together. He confronted his abuser(I was so proud) but because it was an immediate family member his family was not supportive. It was hard for him, but for the sake of our children we cut off ties with them. This was 13 years ago. Five years ago he went back to therapy for a while. When he first told me about this he never told any details but the one thing he did tell me was that he thought he was gay. I was crushed. After a few years in therapy he had said that he wasn't it was just confusing because his abuser was male. I accepted that, our sex life I've felt was always pretty good.Now it is 13ears later and everything is starting all over again like it is the very beginning again. He always starts with making me feel bad about myself, he even told me that I have sexual problems. I asked where this was coming from and now we are back to where he is questioning his sexuality again. Sorry so long, my question is how is the best way to handle this situation,so that I can support him without losing my sense of self in the process? I am starting therapy Monday,he has made no effort to restart it.


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#208094 - 02/29/08 04:09 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: Hopeful wife]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
[quote=Hopeful wife]Hi

I joined this site two years ago and my husband and I are still together. I would love to tell you that everything is "fixed" and we are back to normal, and to all intent and purposes we are, but one thing I have learnt during this whole experience is that many of the survivors are very accomplished liars who have many years experience at hiding their true feelings and at hiding the truth.Often during the past two years I have had to deal with finding out that he is still not perfectly honest with me. It made me extremely paranoid but that has faded over time and I have decided that I cannot spend my life trying to catch him out in lies.

I have made every effort to be supportive and now it is up to him to make conscious decisions about his actions.

Best of luck


I just am curious as to why after all the acting out your husband did, that you still are together. I have read your prior posts going back over 2 years. From your posts in does not sound to me that you Love this person you married. Seems to me you still have all the issues of an abuse survivor.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#208310 - 03/01/08 06:39 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: KENKEN]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
NY Daisy,

Hi and welcome! and BTW, I think your post may be getting lost in the thread...

I am so glad that you asked what you did; ie how to support him without losing yourself. the fact that you are even asking that makes it seem to me that you are on the right track. I posted my thoughts about keeping afloat earlier in the thread
so I wont repeat myself. I'm not sure I've done a particularly good job not losing myself anyway.

Hope your therapy appt goes well on Monday,
LJA


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#208748 - 03/04/08 08:20 AM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: LJA]
Hopeful wife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 14
Hi

I guess this post is in response to Ken's comments above.

Ken I am still with my husband because I believed at the time that he really wanted to deal with his issues and get help and he did make a serious effort to do so.

I would be interested to understand your reasoning in concluding that I don't love him. I don't feel the need to try to convince you of my feelings for him,but I am surprised by your assumption.

I think you need to understand that partners who have been hurt and betrayed can feel a lot of powerful and negative emotions while still loving the person involved.


The point I was trying to make in the post is that recovery is not an instant thing, I think often in a relationship there is an initial euphoria that everything is "out in the open" and therefore can be "fixed" and what I (and other partners I have been in contact with )have often had to learn to live with is
more of a "two steps forward,one step back" type situation.


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#208814 - 03/04/08 12:05 PM Re: Dealing with the acting out [Re: Hopeful wife]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Hopeful wife,

I read your posts as I said above and my perception by what you posted is that you do not love your husband. This is my perception and my opinion. I do hope for your sake you do love him and are still with him to continue to help him. That is if he is still working on his healing and recovery.

My GF and I are in a similiar situation because of my acting out. She is having a very hard time trusting me. And I understand that. But there are times that I feel I am constantly being punished and being controled by her. Thats just the way I feel.

Yea, we both say we still love each other. But we both know it is a very different kind of love.

And I certainly agree with your statement tht recovery is not instant. In fact I feel I will be in recovery for the remainder of my life. I hope that I will recover enough to be able to cope and deal with my CSA. But like a broken arm or the like, we survivors will never "get over" our abuse.

This are my thoughts and feelings.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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