Newest Members
BusterJones, Desperateforhelp, aniceguy, Green_Lantern, Safe11ride
12121 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
alan's marc (43), Opal (59)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 69 Guests and 30 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12121 Members
73 Forums
62529 Topics
438172 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#206874 - 02/23/08 12:14 AM .
GoFigure12 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/22/06
Posts: 72
Loc: USA
.


Top
#206877 - 02/23/08 12:43 AM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetting.. [Re: GoFigure12]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Gofigure12,

Wow.... I am so proud of you!!!!!!

If I had been there at the rink with you, I would have stood up and cheered. I may have even joined you in the confrontation.

I currently volunteer with an organization that does everything we can to keep kids safe. It has become my mission to "heal by helping".

I know what you mean about the feelings it can bring up. When I come home from an event, I am wiped out. As a survivor, I think some of our senses are extra sharp. I honestly think I can spot a perp from a mile way. Whenever I am at an event, I am hyper vigalent. I come home and collapse.

I would rather be an asshole, and make an adult mad at me, then to let another child get hurt.

You did the right thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About the meltdown... you are allowed to have some moments. This whole recovery thing is a long road. We all have ups and downs, the best part is that you took a stand. It may have brought back a lot of fears, but you have taken a huge step towards helping protect other children. You can be proud of that!

I hope things get easier, I think they will.

Be strong.... and keep protecting your boys.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

Top
#206878 - 02/23/08 12:48 AM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetting.. [Re: GoFigure12]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I know that feeling. I am sad that you had that experience but it was actually probably a good thing. The whole situation triggered you and I think you know that. It just brought up to many sub concious memories. Stuff you may not even be aware of but it triggered the feeling of helplessness and fear you must have had as a child. I am glad you were able to be alone and deal with it like you did. It was probably a good thing. Just reading the post did it to me too although not that bad. My heart was pounding and I was clenching my hands before I knew it. YOU DID A GOOD THING. Thank you for protecting the boys. You may have saved some of those kids a terrible experience. Thank you for your courage in speaking up and not being part of the silent majority.

Love ya


Top
#206885 - 02/23/08 01:20 AM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetting.. [Re: Freedom49]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Standing ovation from me. I know how it can be scary when you have so much anger inside of you and the only thing to stop that is you. I'm sure you're a strong person but, sometimes, we all think that there would be nothing better than to unload on a guy like that. I think you did a damn good job and got your point across quite well.

It's good to get away from our issues every once in a while. If you are a CSA survivor, being on this site everyday is not "mandatory" for your recovery. It's an excellent tool that can help you. I'm sure a lot of people that are CSA survivors on this site, including myself at one time, thought "Oh my god, I'm going to have to wallow in my mysery on this site till the day I die". In actuality, once you recover from something, you recover from it. CSA has a wide array of problems that may come your way. Some take longer than others. However, once each problem is dealt with and "fixed", then your life is changed forever. Just one step closer to happiness at a time.

Also, a lot of the veterans of CSA recovery that have tackled the issues of CSA within their own lives are still on this site probably because they enjoy it. They still have some issues to face but, most of us who have been through the ropes and are well experienced in recovery take pleasure in helping those that are new to this recovery process. We know how hard it is and how confusing things can be. I was helped by many and I enjoy passing on the help that was given to me. Also, I can always find something about myself that needs a bit of tuning up on this site.

Thanks for the great post! Tell that guy to go to hell for me!

Jason



Edited by endlessjourney (02/23/08 01:22 AM)
_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

Top
#206912 - 02/23/08 08:26 AM . [Re: endlessjourney]
GoFigure12 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/22/06
Posts: 72
Loc: USA
.


Top
#206914 - 02/23/08 08:52 AM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetting.. [Re: GoFigure12]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
GF12:
You may be correct that he is possibly "an innocent child in an adult's body". However, if he is unable to relate to age-appropriate persons, he will gravitate to younger ones where he may be more accepted. But, his hormones are not child-related and he may be sexualizing the contacts with his young "friends."

While you may have come on too strong at the arena, it may be that he got the message. However, his mental state may keep him away from kids for a while but desires to connect with others who accept him and his hormones may cause him to return.

If you see him again, you may want to explain why you reacted so strongly (no need to talk about your own victimization unless you wish) and tell him that if he is having any feelings or thoughts about sexual contact with any of the kids, he needs to talk to someone BEFORE he acts on them and keep himself from a world of trouble, not to mention possibly scarring an innocent child for life.

I don't know if he has enough understanding but he can call Stop It Now! about the feelings and thoughts and talk to someone who can help him. The phone number is 1 888 PREVENT and the website is http://www.stopitnow.org.


Top
#206917 - 02/23/08 09:06 AM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetti [Re: GoFigure12]
mike5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 170
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Originally Posted By: GoFigure12
one part of me wonders if maybe I was the one who was out of line....


It doesn't sound to me as if you were out of line at all. I know I can easily feel as if I'm over reacting, but I think that is most often because I'm used to living in a world where we almost always under react to this. Protecting our children is really important - it is part of being civilized. The could-be predator may need help too, but that does not trump the needs of children. Thank you for protecting your child and all those other children.

Mike


Top
#206923 - 02/23/08 09:25 AM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetti [Re: mike5]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Sounds to me like you did what you had to do to protect your child as well as others. A very brave thing for a survivor to do. As you described it I could feel your rage, I have been there before. Don't look at the meltdown as a step backward but a step forward. The feelings were natural due to your experiences and what had just taken place. Tears of a hurt child/adult standing up for himself in the face of possible perpetrator is a traumatic event for even a non-survivor parent.

The fact you were able to confront this person says a lot about how far you have come in your recovery. You should be proud of the bravery you showed to stand up as well as the bravery to feel your emotions. I'm sure you will come out of this a stronger more confident person.
peace & light

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

Top
#206927 - 02/23/08 10:01 AM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetting.. [Re: Scoutvictim]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Gofigure,

[/quote]
I would rather be an asshole, and make an adult mad at me, then to let another child get hurt.

You did the right thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[/quote]

Also remember that many other parents supported your actions. They may have seen other things that even you missed, but they didn't know how to handle the confrontation.

I still think you did the right thing!

As Ken has said, he may be a child/adult, but think about how many guys here were victimized by other kids around their own age. He has an adult body and urges, but because of his mental age he doesn't know how to deal with those urges. You took a stand and because of that, other parents will think twice about letting him get close to their child. That is the important thing.

Children will be safe from him... because of you!!!

I also agree you have taken a huge step in your recovery.

Keep going.... you have FIGURED it out.
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

Top
#206930 - 02/23/08 10:09 AM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetti [Re: GateKPR4]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Whether what you did was right or wrong, though i think it was probably right, it's totally understandable IMO. I don't have kids of my own but i could easily see myself feeling the same way in a situation like that. I see young children alone walking down lonely stretches of road where someone could just snatch them and it drives me completely nuts! I sometimes wonder if i could ever handle having a child with all the worry it puts one through.

The guy your talking about does sound like a classic pedophile and i'd feel a lot better about his feelings getting hurt unnecessarily than having all those kids he's around in danger. Your meltdown sounds just like what i do when i blow up at someone or have an angry confrontation..i almost always end up crying afterwards..sometimes for hours. I don't think crying is ever a bad thing.

_________________________
My Story
My Art

Top
#207209 - 02/24/08 09:51 PM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetti [Re: blueshift]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
I think it was a good thing to do Gof. Many parents won't recognize the possibility of him doing something, unless they are hit in the face with it.

I think you've done something that will help protect kids in your neighborhoods.

Keith


Top
#207210 - 02/24/08 09:51 PM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetti [Re: blueshift]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
I think it was a good thing to do Gof. Many parents won't recognize the possibility of him doing something, unless they are hit in the face with it.

I think you've done something that will help protect kids in your neighborhoods.

Keith


Top
#207211 - 02/24/08 09:51 PM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetti [Re: blueshift]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
I think it was a good thing to do Gof. Many parents won't recognize the possibility of him doing something, unless they are hit in the face with it.

I think you've done something that will help protect kids in your neighborhoods.

Keith


Top
#207225 - 02/24/08 11:09 PM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetti [Re: KeithR]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
Maybe it is just me, but the thing that ticks me off in this whole situation is that everyone told you there were complaints and that others felt the same way, but WHY O WHY WASN'T ANYONE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT?????????????? Were they just waiting until this guy screwed up some poor kids life?

I'm glad you stepped in, who knows how many kids you saved from this crap. I hope this guy got the message and stays away.


Top
#207244 - 02/25/08 01:27 AM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetting.. [Re: GoFigure12]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I only wish there was a father like you in my life to protect me when I was younger.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#207275 - 02/25/08 10:41 AM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetti [Re: usmc97]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
I think in this situation you did well to speak your mind and it's great that you're protecting children. I'm glad you care enough to be there for kids other than your own. I wish more would have that quality.

If it were me I would've confronted him too, but perhaps in a more calm way -- maybe with a group of parents with you and behind you, perhaps in the locker room away from the children. What's that old saying? "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

Maybe ask him questions instead of assuming. Yes, he may lie, but I think you could at least get the vibe and perhaps his side of the story. It would be easy (for me at least) to see through a lie. Perhaps offer a way to find help for his attractions?

If he does have brain injury from an accident, it seems he's not getting the help he needs.

If he is a "predator" (that's such a loaded word), do you think he is likely to change his ways by means of shame and humiliation? Unlikely. It's more likely he will just find other places to be around children whose parents weren't witness to this event. But with offered help, who knows...?

The goal is to protect children in the long term AND short term, I feel.

Also, I betcha no one questions the coach, who is just as likely to molest as this guy. However, I hope we don't devolve into a society that thinks every man who enjoys working with kids is a pedophile.

Just speaking from a perspective of someone who's worked with 100s of "predators." Great job and good work for keeping kids safe! \:\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

Top
#207346 - 02/25/08 03:51 PM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetti [Re: AndyJB2005]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

There's no question in my mind that you did the right thing. But for the grace of God, I could easily have been like the guy you describe. He needs some serious help, but he also must be confronted any and every time there's anything going on between him and someone else's child that crosses past affection into abuse (and that line comes up pretty quickly).
The things that you describe, especially tickling and things of that nature, are not innocent and must be stopped. Believe me, I know that even a little child knows the difference between the playful and the abusive. Someone who has no relationship with your child should have no more contact than a handshake or high-five.
Yes, it's possible the man has no clue what he's doing, but the hockey rink, or lacrosse or baseball field isn't the place for him to hang out for hours. Without people like you who are willing to tell someone there's a problem, it could go on for years.
It sounds like the man needs some serious counseling, which I've already had, and connections with people close to his age, which has happened for me in the last couple decades. Beyond that, though, your child's safety is more important than this man's discomfort or pain.

Ed


Top
#207597 - 02/26/08 07:49 PM . [Re: JustScott]
GoFigure12 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/22/06
Posts: 72
Loc: USA
.


Top
#207606 - 02/26/08 08:14 PM Re: Confronted a Could-Be Predator; It Was Upsetti [Re: GoFigure12]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Gofigure12,

I had mixed thoughts on this at first, so I didn't respond. But now I think I have my ideas clear in my own mind and can comment and maybe make some sense.

My mix-up was over the possibility that this guy is just one of those types who for whatever reason can't relate to others his own age, so he hangs around kids because that's the environment he feels comfortable in himself.

But now I think no, that's not the case. As you describe it, this guy is devoting all his spare time to cruising around to events where young boys will be playing sports. And what does he go for? The locker rooms and changing rooms. I don't see anything innocent about that, even if he is a volunteer, assistant, or whatever. And what else does he angle for? Some kind of touching or groping, disguised as innocent affection ... ugh.

I am no vigilante or alarmist, but hey, time to wake up, world! This is exactly why so many pedophiles are able to operate so freely and do so much harm. They can still feign innocence and protest that they are just good guys helping out.

You did it right, my friend. Good for you!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.