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#206862 - 02/22/08 11:07 PM dating and giving up on it
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i would rather not be alone the rest of my life

but i get so aggravated by not finding a relationship

i am meeting very nice guys - but who are 'married' and seem

very stable themselves - and that's great - it gives hope

i know i am not perfect - and no one is -

i suppose partly i am jealous - partly it may come easier

once i am working - part of me thinks - it's just something

to work at - nearly like therapy -

i wish my sense of relationships weren't so f-ed by the abuse.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#206863 - 02/22/08 11:16 PM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i think if i do have a relationship - it might have to be with another survivor.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#206872 - 02/22/08 11:51 PM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: markgreyblue]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Mark,

My biggest fear...

To grow old alone.

It's been 7 years since I've had a serious relationship. The bad part about that is the ones I've had, I screwed up.

As I look back on my past, my ex-wife and the 3 m2m relationships were more about me being their mother/care-giver. I know they were classic co-dependent relationships.

I have now come to the conclusion that I want a partner, someone who will share my life with me. Not someone who will live off of me.

hmmmmm.... What a novel idea....

Is it possible?????????????

I hope so, because if it's not.... wow ...an unmarked grave in the city cemetery.

Sorry, didn't mean to be a downer.

Luv ya,
Carl




_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#206875 - 02/23/08 12:15 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: Scoutvictim]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Carl,

Your response kind of reminds me of a line from the movie
"Sabrina" the recent version with Julia Ormond and Harrison Ford.

Julia is cheated on and the housekeeper says to her when she is
disparing. She says:

"Sabrina your life is a dream - and now it is over. I know!"

Ttyl -

Mark \:\)

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#206879 - 02/23/08 12:52 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: markgreyblue]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Hang in there guys. Once your happy with yourself you will be able to draw them to you. I would marry you both if I could LOL
Take care
Take hope
Take your life back.


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#206883 - 02/23/08 01:06 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: Freedom49]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Roger,

Hmmmm.....

Were you on bended knee when you typed that??????

If not, I won't say yes until you make it a formal proposal.

Luv ya,
Carl



_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#206884 - 02/23/08 01:19 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: markgreyblue]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hello Mark

I'm the last one to say anything about relationships to anyone (he says as he looks back over his shoulder at the carnage that he's left behind !!!LOL)
I have stopped looking because I have come to realize that I can't be in a relationship until I sort myself out ... being with someone just so I am not alone hasn't worked, eventually they find me out, it's unfair to them & me, it's like I'm cheating on myself and leaves me feeling more alone than before.

But having said all that I say ...
don't give up on yourself ... the next one might be the one ... hope springs eternal \:\)

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#206886 - 02/23/08 01:30 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: arronb]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Arronb,

Hope Springs..... that's in Arkansas...isn't it?

Well I guess you could have one in Australia, that I don't know about.

BTW....I love your new avatar. \:D

Take care,
Carl

(sorry.... I'm in a strange mood tonight )



_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

Top
#206887 - 02/23/08 01:43 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: Scoutvictim]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hello Carl ...

Hope Springs Eternal hasn't been a happy hunting ground for me ...

but the latent romantic in me is thinking ...

Hope Springs Arkansas might have better prospects LOL

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#206890 - 02/23/08 03:11 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: arronb]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Hope Springs - wasn't that a Bill Clinton campaign message.

I'll take Hope Australia. Get ready Arron. hehe

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#207208 - 02/24/08 09:48 PM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: markgreyblue]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
For What its Worth-------------------I Have been living by myself for 7 years------------------i had a relationship before that-----------------------it was very bad-------------i was abused in every way you could imagine----------------stupid----------------------i felt that was all i was good for-------------------------------so my abused from a child continued into muy adult years--------------------it wasa major thing for me to get out of that relationship--------------------------i left every thing i worked for for about 10 years---------------------pluss the abuse----------------------but then i was lost-----------------------------scared not knowing what to do--------------------------------------so here i am---------------------all by myself----------------------no more abuse---------------------just the memories--------------------and all of the mental crap----------------------scars ect-------------------------now what---------------------------relationship????????????????i ofetn think that would be great----------------------------but i know i cant do that------------------i dont even know how--------------------------------------so i feel why bother-----------------------------------------ageing all alone----------------------guess it could be worse-----------------------------steve


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#207216 - 02/24/08 10:23 PM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: sabata]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Steve, thanks for sharing your thoughts.
You are not alone. I think even if we relate just here, none of us are alone.

I would like a relationship. I am thinking maybe it will come but I am not rushing something
that cannot be rushed. So yes I am lonely - I am trying to be contented and take care of myself
without an 'other.'

I think I can just keep doing what I am supposed to do. Sometimes the dissapointments do overwhelm.

peace, your friend,

Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#207218 - 02/24/08 10:31 PM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: markgreyblue]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Just want to say hey, yup on all this post. Tired of being alone, but you know just reading and knowing all of you guys makes me feel less alone. That is worth quite a bit.

I'm with you Mark, a while ago I was desperate but now I know I can wait, the connection helps so much.

Stay strong guys
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#209883 - 03/10/08 10:07 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: markgreyblue]
johnnymike Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/08/08
Posts: 51
Loc: Central Ohio
The reason I joined is because someone nice asked if we could date exclusively. Of course while cuddling with him part of me wanted to run out of the house, jump in the car and hide in my apartment. Not very fuctional I thought. Could no longer deny there is work I need to be doing.

I think in the past I avoided nice people for relationships because I did not think it fair to bring my big bag o' problems into their lives. I had the talk with the new one about my past and he does not scare easy. Of course I have great potential to screw this up on my own.

Several friends and I ponder are we too damaged for a relationship?


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#209886 - 03/10/08 10:25 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: johnnymike]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Johnnymike,

You have some damage, but it is fixable. You deserve a relationship and you are worth it.

Many of us have troubles with relationships, but they can be great.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

Top
#254349 - 10/11/08 01:03 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: Scoutvictim]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Dating …

Update …

Have arrived at Hope Springs … was not much on offer, so wandered off to someplace different, and wouldn’t you know it, whilst I was lost in the wilderness, someone special found me instead…

Hope Springs Eternal … you bet it does !!!

Moral of the story, you never know where love will come from … so never give up.


_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#254393 - 10/11/08 11:02 AM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: arronb]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Thanks for the update Arronb!

I agree that there may be times in our lives when we are too broken for a relationship, but we are NEVER too broken to heal. So maybe a little healing is in order.

Peace and love everyone!

Michael


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#262958 - 11/20/08 09:40 PM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: markgreyblue]
simongb Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/27/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Baltimore, MD
I have given up on finding a stable relationship. That concept seems so far away that I don't even think about it anymore. I just need to get myself together first.

_________________________
Survivor

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#263178 - 11/22/08 03:18 PM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: simongb]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
And Simon, that is probably exactly what you should do. So many times we, as survivors, are so hungry for love that we want to be healed through a relationship, or want a relationship first so we can have more love and support while we pursue treatment and healing.

The problem is, we aren't ready emotionally for the ups and downs of dating or even have the capacity emotionally for participating successfully in a relationship AND work on recovery at the same time. It's really hard.

Making yourself whole first will make future relationships much more rich and the potential for a successful, long-term relationship is much greater.

We are here to listen and support your. Let me know if I can be of assistance to you...

Peace and love...

Michael


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#267035 - 12/13/08 08:25 PM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: M3]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
I just read this thread and as someone mentioned...there is something to relate to from each of the posts. I am glad I came upon this topic.
Yeah it's true I need to get myself together first and yes I might attract them once I do. I have enormous issues with my body image and trusting others sincerity and motive since I have met many fraudulent people perhaps I attracted by being who I am....whoever that is. I take two steps forward and one step back.

Lets see...I hate my body, either mistrust or over-trust. I used to confuse sex as love but I was used the same way I was by incestuous family who members used me and confused me. My first two relationships were abusive and the guy I lived with at age 21 also took advantage of me although not a partner.

I have no clue about what to disclose, when and how much. Which do I tell first? I have AIDS or am a survivor? This gets old with me and I just want to share my life with a good man who might show me real love. I am not so sure that is possible.

So I appreciate knowing I am not the only one with this lonely existence that only is relieved when I am helping others. I cannot wait until I attend a weekend of recovery. It is as if I am a dog chasing its tail...a complete circle.

Thanks for reading my words

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#267548 - 12/17/08 01:26 PM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: markgreyblue]
jacob77 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/19/05
Posts: 37
Loc: Northern CA
There's a lot of rejection in relationships and in the world as well. I think most people have been wounded and are afraid of intimacy or don't know how to accept others.
I've been reading The Magnificent Mind by Dr. Daniel Amen and he talks a lot about maintaining clear communication for a healthy relationship. Just a thought. ;)>

Jacob
P.S. I also would date another survivor 'cause they really understand.

_________________________
I am good enough.

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#267735 - 12/18/08 03:13 PM Re: dating and giving up on it [Re: jacob77]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Jacob,
I love Daniel Amen...Change your brain...Change your life...But oh it takes practice practice practice.

I think I agree about only dating other survivors. It is an idea that has merit.
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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