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#206664 - 02/21/08 10:44 PM Triggers from my wife
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I am posting this here also for wives of survivors in case they can relate.

There is something that has bothered me my whole marriage. Actually both my marriages but I just figured it out tonight at the MS group meeting here in town. Whenever my wife would make some comment indicating she was "in the mood" or something like that I would freeze right up. It had always bothered me but I never gave it much thought. I just assumed it was because... Well never mind that.
Anyway in talking with the guys in group tonight one of the guys said he had been dating but unsuccessuflly because if the girl was agressive ot made some move on him he would just freeze up because when he was 11 he was raped and knife point by an older guy. It just hit me all of a sudden. My dad was always the initiator. I was always helpless in bed and he was always coming to me and would just start doing stuff.
I freeze up because of the forwardness of that approach triggering me. I don't like someone coming onto me that way it takes me back to when I was helpless in the dark to the advances of my dad. I really do hope I can get over this cause having to fight through that feeling in order to be intimate with my wife is very uncomfortable


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#206793 - 02/22/08 06:21 PM Re: Triggers from my wife [Re: Freedom49]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Roger,

That is such a hard thing to deal with and I hope you can get past it too, but given the circumstances, I can try to understand. Have you told this to your wife? If you haven't there's problem #1. She can't possibly work with you if she doesn't know what she's facing. Problem #2 is that your wife obviously loves you and wants to express that love intimately - either partner should be able to express their need or desire for the other, but it brings me back to problem #1; if she doesn't know, she can't change it.

I'll wait for your answer before going any further.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#206832 - 02/22/08 09:22 PM Re: Triggers from my wife [Re: Freedom49]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I feel compelled to answer this. I don't know if it will help but it may. There was a point in our relationship where we had been apart awhile and he actually had made the first move with a kiss. It did progress somewhat and led to several interruptions where he left the room and went into the bathroom. He also had said at one point "This is as far as we're gonna go tonight" to which I said was fine. I didn't push the issue. I think it's important to note that at this particular time, he'd not yet disclosed the csa.
To be honest, I'd forgotten about it. Until about 10 years later, after which he'd disclosed the csa and had started therapy. He came home one night and was talking about how he'd told the therapist about "the time we almost had sex". I said, "When was that?"
I don't know why your post struck such a nerve in me. I don't know why I never pushed the issue of sex with him. I guess for some reason, "No" meant "No" to me.
I think it's most important to convey to your wife that it's NOT about her. For a long time, I felt that it was me. I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't sexy enough, etc.
Being intimate, (and I'm generous in using the word "intimate"
with a survivor), you aren't always aware that what you're doing is a "trigger". And I could give you countless examples of things that were okay one minute and not okay the next. It's hard to keep up. I remember one time he had a rash under his arm and I asked to see it. (I'm a nurse) He said, "But I'll have to take my shirt off." And I'm looking at him and saying "And?" Ultimately, he took his shirt off, I looked at the rash, and gave him something to clear it up. When I asked to see it, he saw it as some sort of sexual advance, I didn't.
I set boundaries and can respect boundaries, but I have to pay for the people in his past that could not.
It sucks. There's no better way to say it.
I think you should share with your wife what the triggers actually are for you. Between the two of you, you can come up with a way around them. Communication is the best thing here.

My thoughts are with you.

Liv


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#206843 - 02/22/08 09:57 PM Re: Triggers from my wife [Re: Liv2124]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I keep seeing over and over again in the friends and family forum the word "communication" Not that I don't agree with this in any way, but I know for me a big issue was "She" won't understand if I do communicate my feeling's. There was just alot of doubt, that communicating "from the heart" was going to chase you/her away.

Do you ladies think that this would be the norm with telling a woman the way we are. I just still have this feeing that the ladies I see here are not "the norm". It just doesn't seem like I could expect the same reaction from most. It seems like you're what the ideal would be, hey that's a pretty good compliment ladies isn't it, but what do you think. Could we expect that if we told the majority of women that they would be happy we "communicated from the heart".

Stay strong
Mike

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Thriving

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#206845 - 02/22/08 10:17 PM Re: Triggers from my wife [Re: mogigo]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Mike,

It all depends on the woman and your relationship with her. I wouldn't suggest spilling your guts on the first date! You wouldn't tell her what your salary is would you? That to me is very personal, you need to know someone, what their motives and ideas for the relationship are before you start providing truly personal information. And even once you think you know where things are going, you wait a little longer. Maybe you just mention that things in your childhood aren't what you would have wanted. See what her reaction is. Is she sympathetic? Is she willing to listen to what you want to tell her? Is she willing to back off when you don't want to tell her anymore or is she a pushy broad? There are just so many variables it's impossible for me to imagine them all.

One thing I do believe very strongly is that there has to be a vested interest between both parties in a relationship before a disclosure is even considered. Believe it or not, it's probably as hard a thing for us to hear as it is for you to say. Even with perfection in place, we might say the wrong things because we just don't know what the right thing is. I know for me, this was the most foreign awful knowledge that has ever come in to my life. I had to learn and I had to learn quickly. Even then and continuing to this day, I make mistakes. But because I have that vested interest, my love for my b/f, I keep on learning and I keep on loving. He's doing the work, I'm just hanging around 'till the job is done.

Thanks for the compliment - it's about time someone figured out I'm anything but the norm!

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#206848 - 02/22/08 10:27 PM Re: Triggers from my wife [Re: mogigo]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Mogigo,
I think we are "the norm". I can tell you, I wish he had told me from the beginning what this all was about. I wish he could've talked. This is coming from someone who's been connected to the same man for a long period of time. I believe it would have saved our relationship, (and still could) if I knew "where" he actually was with this.
I can tell you that as the SO of a survivor, when they shut you out, when you don't really know "where" they are or what they're feeling, it's isolating. And fortunately, for me, having been with him so long, I know that he's not always aware of that fact.
I know what you're saying, "what the ideal would be..." but think for a second that your wife, g/f, SO is posting something similar, and another survivor is viewing HER as what the "ideal would be". This is "US". This is who we are. We're human, just like everyone else.
If my SO came to this site, he'd probably think the same as you. If he read my own posts, he'd never see ME in them.
If you love someone, you'd be surprised at what you can work out, given the chance.

Liv


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#206851 - 02/22/08 10:42 PM Re: Triggers from my wife [Re: Trish4850]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Quote:
Thanks for the compliment - it's about time someone figured out I'm anything but the norm!


Well that's it Trish. Being a mod and all, I guess you're stuck being a girlfriend for all of us \:\) ;\)

Hope you have lots of time, but imagine the roses you'll get

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#206852 - 02/22/08 10:48 PM Re: Triggers from my wife [Re: mogigo]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Thanks Liv, you give me hope for me, love that word, "love". Something about that word can make me smile all day.

Conquer's all, right?

\:\) Love ya
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#206853 - 02/22/08 10:49 PM Re: Triggers from my wife [Re: Liv2124]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
For me I didn't really discover my whole life was being controlled by my abuse until I was 43. I wish I did because it would have changed my life dramatically a long time ago. Communication had been an issue with my last relationship but it was on both our part. When I disclosed the csa, we talked quite a bit and I thought it went well considering there were no harsh words or feelings. Then about 2 weeks after I got an email to find someone else. It all boils down to communication and honesty. If both parties cant achieve these things than it probably wont work very well. Humans don't read minds very well. This has been my experience.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
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#206857 - 02/22/08 10:54 PM Re: Triggers from my wife [Re: mogigo]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Ack! no pressure \:o

BTW, yellow roses are my favorite \:\)

'nite all......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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