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#206394 - 02/20/08 03:56 PM Re: im broken [Re: Freedom49]
imbroken Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
thanks freedom. sometimes when I wake up i feel ok for a few minutes. then i realize what my life is. I have seen a therapist a couple times and it was good to get out, but i feel like I have too many problems to fix. Maybe I am not supposed to get better. I am very scared and lonely. Besides a couple conversations at work and seeing my therapist twice, I haven't spoken to anyone in a couple weeks. My wife leaves every weekend and I spend all weekend laying in bed. I cant get out and I have no interest in ding anything.


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#206399 - 02/20/08 04:46 PM Re: im broken [Re: imbroken]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Broken,
Just focus if you can with your T on one thing at a time. It is easier to fix one thing at a time than the whole thing. It is impossible to fix everything at once. You do not have the knowlege or tools yet. Start with something easy Talk to the T about antidepressant for the deep mood swings and then tackle the guilt and shame issue maybe when not so depressed. Feeling guilt after something like this is normal and also a lie. Keep at it you will understand soon. You are not alone. You are not bad. You have just had bad things happen to you.
Also about feeling gay. It is not unusual to want to repeat the abuse with you in control. Your mind is just trying to understand it and that is why you keep focusing on it. It is not necessary to go through that though. You will understand it better with a therapist.



Edited by Freedom49 (02/20/08 04:47 PM)

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#206416 - 02/20/08 06:30 PM Re: im broken [Re: Freedom49]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Broken, you are NOT a bad person or any of those things you think about yourself. You were brutally victimized and are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). As a result, you are over-analyzing everything with a VERY distorted perspective.

The fact that you had an orgasm DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE GAY OR THAT YOU LIKED WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!. It is a simple physiological response, like gasping for air when you are drowning. Don't read too much into that because it doesn't mean a thing. When I was 6 I was raped by my uncle and I got a hard-on and I spasmed like an orgasm (didn't know what it was until much later). That cannot mean that I liked it.. It simply means that certain nerve centers were stimulated and my body reacted just like it was supposed to if the sex had been voluntary. Do the research and you will find that many women who are raped have orgasms; does that mean that they liked their rape? No, it's a simple physiological response.

Your acting out and subsequent affairs are a result of your distorted thinking, all related to your attack because you have not put it is proper perspective. The attack wasn't your fault, the fact that you orgasmed was not your fault and doesn't mean anything. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Tell your wife the truth, tell your Therapist the truth, and you will be vindicated.

Finally, don't doubt yourself in the eyes of your daughter. If she knew the truth, she'd understand. But she's too young. Don't let your own personal misgivings spoil your beautiful relationship with your beautiful child. You are her Dad, and she loves you. You deserve to be loved. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't let your own misgivings (misguided as they are) ruin that or anything else.

You are a victim. You deserve compassion and healing. If you could tell your story truthfully, you would get just that. But YOU have distorted this to appear as some evil within yourself. It's not. Forgive yourself.

I cry for your pain. I know how badly you must be hurting. But it's not necessary. It's not your fault.

Respectfully submitted,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#206418 - 02/20/08 06:35 PM Re: im broken [Re: Freedom49]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I hid for 25 years and did ruin a good portion of my life for the same fears you write about. Truth is had I told all and dealt with it, no holds barred I would have saved myself much grief. what ever you choose at least trust one person to tell it all to. The rest will come in time. Recovery has a way of surfacing when the time is right.
My therapist has been a great help in helping me understand what happened.
Through this process I have been able to open up to others.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#206436 - 02/20/08 07:45 PM Re: im broken [Re: GateKPR4]
imbroken Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
Thanks guys. I am sitting here crying. I have waited five years hoping no one would ever find out because I don't think I could ever look that person in the eye again for fear of shame, OR because no one would believe me. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of relief I feel...



Edited by imbroken (02/20/08 07:46 PM)

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#206446 - 02/20/08 08:30 PM Re: im broken [Re: Lazarus]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Originally Posted By: Lazarus
Hey buddy, you're not broken, you are traumatized.


Well put. I don't want to refer to you as broken because of this quote.

Welcome to malesurvivor. You'll find lots of help here. On this site you have the three greatest assets you could ever have to help you through this. First and foremost, you have yourself and your drive to get better. Second you have plenty of trained professionals that have studied these issues for years, and last, but most definitely not least, you have the survivors that are experienced in these topics because they've been there done that and bought the tee shirt.

First off, what you just wrote showed a lot of courage. Recovery takes a lot of courage. You have it! That is a good sign. It sounds as if you have a lot of issues to resolve around this horrible incident. First and foremost, it's important to speak to a therapist. Sometimes we connect with our therapist, sometimes we don't. It's important to shop around and find one that you can trust and feel comfortable with.

Second, it was not your fault. Once again, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You made a choice. Death, or abuse. A shitty choice to be stuck with indeed. However, you weren't aware of the effects that the incident would cause. Your natural instincts told you to do whatever it would take to survive. Sometimes we all wish we were that badass that would take the guy out. Unfortunately, the cookie doesn't always crumble that way. I'm sure this guy was experienced with this. At least your still around to get well.

In recovery, there is also a lot you will learn about sexual orientation. I once had the same fears around that as you did. Becoming erect and ejaculating doesn't always occur because the person wants it to. The body reacts to certain stimulants the same regardless of whether or not that stimulus is warranted or not. Also, if you get time, take a look at this.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_Reports

This is pretty basic info. Feel free to browse around and look more into it. Learning this helped me somewhat.

Good luck my friend. Your walking down a dark road right now. The lamp in your hand only illuminates a couple of feet in front of you. However, for the time being, a few feet in front of you is all you need to see.

Jason



Edited by endlessjourney (02/20/08 08:33 PM)
_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#206447 - 02/20/08 08:35 PM Re: im broken [Re: endlessjourney]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
By the way, feel free to send me a message if you have any questions about anything.

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#206469 - 02/20/08 09:32 PM Re: im broken [Re: endlessjourney]
imbroken Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/19/08
Posts: 40
Loc: NJ
I really appreciate it guys. I haven't read too much yet. I have been too preoccupied with trying to say what happened. There's still have a lot I haven't said. This was the "easy" stuff, for lack of a better word.


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#206477 - 02/20/08 09:58 PM Re: im broken [Re: imbroken]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Just one step at a time. No need to rush. Opening up is important but it takes time to heal from these things as well. Its important to pace yourself so you don't get overwhelmed. This stuff can be overbearing at times. Keep on moving forward. You'll be fine.

Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#206487 - 02/20/08 10:25 PM Re: im broken [Re: Freedom49]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Glad that your here and that your able to get so much of your feelings out in the open. Your making lots of progress already. Good that you have a therapist, make sure you feel safe there, not judged, accepted and that the person is helpful to you.

At some point soon, you may want to get into a group with men who have similar or related issues. Groups can be very helpful in healing.

No question that you have a way to go but the good thing is that you have started the process. We often take two steps forward and one back in this process but as others have said here, you will get there.

Take care,

B


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