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#206483 - 02/20/08 10:12 PM Blueshift's S&M booboo.
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity

I'm really feeling bad right now. Really bad. Once again i have made the mistake of dabbling in sadomasochism and got too much of the sadism with the masochism.

I think my abuse as a kid made me a bit of a masochist but
I'm starting to believe that the whole idea of sadomasochism is inherently flawed because, at least in my limited experience, sadists aren't happy with just inflicting enough pain to get me exited, they want to hear me cry. They want to see tears running down my face. They want to see me react to a level of pain that i don't want to feel.

I have been through this once before about a year ago with a young woman i met. I let her talk me into..(bribe me with sex into) letting her beat me to tears. After that she was calling constantly. I have to admit, for the most part, the sex with her was worth what she put me through for it, because, frankly she was model hot and even the torture was fun (for the first few minutes, anyway). It ended though when she ignored the safe word and that was rape which, though i wouldn't have really treated it that way, was definitely a relationship ender.

Now last night i got together with a guy i have known for several months now. I let him paddle my butt a week ago. At first it was really exiting. I don't know really why i let him do it till i cried, but i did. I seem to have a hard time shifting out of submissive mode once i get into it...sometimes just the thought of stopping it and saying "no" triggers such a huge anxiety attack that i just can't do it.

When i was talking about it with him he described hearing me cry as "hot" and, i should have known at that point that i was on a really bad package-tour, but i thought last night that i would see if i couldn't just keep things light and easy. I did till he said he wanted to "finger" me, which sounded fun, but what he really meant was fist me and when i tried to use our safe word to stop it i was already feeling so much pain that i couldn't speak clearly and he didn't hear me say it...then pow! it was four years ago again and i was getting raped with a flashlight by a burgler.

Last night was only SLIGHTLY easier than that day i got raped. The flashback was so intense that it might as well have been the real deal.
And he wasn't understanding about the flashback. I told him that's what had happened and he was comforting me until i stopped crying and then he bent me over and started paddling my butt. I was still so traumatized by the fisting and the flashback that shifting out of the submissive mode and saying no was a huge struggle but i did. I told him i just couldn't do it any more because i was too freaked out from the flash back and i got stuff back from him like "Everyone has problems" and "your just feeling sorry for yourself".

He wants to be my BF. Not gonna happen. He is nice and bright and i like him, but he really let me down last night, and i truthfully wonder if he really didn't hear me use the safe word (even though it was more sobbed than said).

S&M might be a fun thing for some people, but if you are a survivor and are considering trying it, i wouldn't recommend it, quite honestly, because it's loaded with unexpected triggers and you really need to have a healthy ability to keep boundaries, because if you hook up with someone who enjoys inflicting pain, then you are after all dealing with a person who responds to your suffering with excitement rather than compassion. There might be compassion there too, but don't count on it not getting overrode by the other.

I don't know that i would say it can never be a good thing for a survivor, but i've definitely not seen that it is. I kept telling myself that it might even be therapeutic (theoretically) but you know..f that! It f ing hurts!

Then there is my friend who has the uncanny ability to always call when something like this has happened, just to say hi and senses immediately that all is not well and pulls it out of me what happened, (i'd lie if i wasn't so terrible at it) and then he always says something out of total lack of understanding that makes me feel even more like doodoo . He did that after i got raped four years ago. Said something about how he never would have let it happen to him. He's an idiot in some ways, but still a lovable one.

I made a decision about blow jobs a while back. Don't like giving em, and barely like getting them so the hell with them. I 'm making a similar decision now about S&M. If i ever let myself get drawn into
that scene again, you all can come over and beat my ass some more!
(if i still have one) I'm beginning to wonder though if my self-hatred is tied into it. Or maybe it's just my ass i hate--since that seems to be what gets the punishment. Never thought of that. Nah...it's too cute to hate. I'm trying to laugh here so i don't cry, but just so you know, i'm the only one who gets to joke about it---please. You might just be trying to make me feel better but it wouldn't work that way...this is really pretty embarrassing. uugh--long post. sorry. I do that.

Anyway...need hugzes and maybe input about this current relationship..I really do love him but won't be his BF. Does "BF" mean bitch like "fingering" meant fisting? I'm really wondering at this point if i should even see him again. I guess he gave me some warning..saying something about how if he got all five fingers in, my ass was his. So i was supposed to know that that meant that once he got all five in the whole hand would be next, but it sailed right over my stupid head.

I wasn't but i feel so raped again. I might go straight again and find a damn girlfriend! I'm bi, i can do that! Bi power!








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#206484 - 02/20/08 10:15 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
Freedom49 Offline
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Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Sounds like you ran into a true sadist and not just a erotic poser. Sorry that can be really scary.


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#206495 - 02/20/08 11:00 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Freedom49]
VLinvictus Offline
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Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
I'm sorry to hear about that, too.

Radical sex like BDSM requires a relationship of absolute trust, and that's something difficult for people who have been abused -- especially if our abuse had physical or sexual aspects.

Most people who are truly in the BDSM scene understand and respect that and would never cause a sensation that the bottom doesn't want to feel -- and a safety word should be set up so the bottom can signal that he or she is not enjoying the scene and wants to stop.

BDSM, when done right, is about pushing boundaries of sensation, allowing people cross over the threshhold of what they would normally experience. But it has to be done with respect and trust.

If you would still like to pursue an interest in radical sex play and BDSM, I can get some references from a friend of mine to reputable and trustworthy associations of BDSM enthusiasts who take these rules seriously.

On the other hand, there are many things that I have to avoid because they are triggering to me, and it may be that BDSM is one of those things for you.

Thanks for sharing this, and know that we're here for you.

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#206520 - 02/21/08 01:12 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: VLinvictus]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
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Originally Posted By: VLinvictus
I'm sorry to hear about that, too.

Radical sex like BDSM requires a relationship of absolute trust, and that's something difficult for people who have been abused -- especially if our abuse had physical or sexual aspects.

Most people who are truly in the BDSM scene understand and respect that and would never cause a sensation that the bottom doesn't want to feel -- and a safety word should be set up so the bottom can signal that he or she is not enjoying the scene and wants to stop.

BDSM, when done right, is about pushing boundaries of sensation, allowing people cross over the threshhold of what they would normally experience. But it has to be done with respect and trust.

If you would still like to pursue an interest in radical sex play and BDSM, I can get some references from a friend of mine to reputable and trustworthy associations of BDSM enthusiasts who take these rules seriously.

On the other hand, there are many things that I have to avoid because they are triggering to me, and it may be that BDSM is one of those things for you.

Thanks for sharing this, and know that we're here for you.


Thanks. Yeah, i donno. Too many bad experiences already. I doubt i could trust anyone any more to do anything rougher than f me. Even that is hard sometimes. And safewords only work if you are in a condition where you are able to speak clearly, but if you are using one, chances are you are doing so because you are feeling too much pain and too much pain tends to get in the way of speaking audibly.
The whole thing seems problematic to me in all kinds of ways.

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#206522 - 02/21/08 01:18 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Freedom49]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: Freedom49
Sounds like you ran into a true sadist and not just a erotic poser. Sorry that can be really scary.


Well, true sadists are people too. And they can be really hot. But then again, yeah, it can be scary. Bondage, even though it's a huge turn on for me is just not an option anymore. I just can't trust that much.

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#206524 - 02/21/08 01:31 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
Lazarus Offline
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Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Problematic. Un, yeeaah...

Don't get me wrong, rough sex is fine. But you are walking the fine line of sanity there, bro. I'd never volunatarily put myself in a situation where I would ever need a safety word. Heaven forbid I had a dick in my mouth...

"Run, run, Toto! Run far, far away!"

I don't mean to minimize your situation Blue. I'm sure it's hard to excape from sometimes. You have the ultimate safety word, but you have to use it BEFORE the BDSM starts; NO! Once you start, you can't really shout rape afterwards...

One man's opinion, presented by

Lazarus

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#206526 - 02/21/08 01:48 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Lazarus]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: Lazarus
Problematic. Un, yeeaah...

Don't get me wrong, rough sex is fine. But you are walking the fine line of sanity there, bro. I'd never volunatarily put myself in a situation where I would ever need a safety word. Heaven forbid I had a dick in my mouth...

"Run, run, Toto! Run far, far away!"

I don't mean to minimize your situation Blue. I'm sure it's hard to excape from sometimes. You have the ultimate safety word, but you have to use it BEFORE the BDSM starts; NO! Once you start, you can't really shout rape afterwards...

One man's opinion, presented by

Lazarus


Shouting rape is no cure anyway...not even a band aid really. I think BDSM can be done fun and safe, but it's easy to make painful mistakes too.

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#206593 - 02/21/08 01:15 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
blueshift Offline
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I guess i've pretty much made up my mind about the BDSM stuff. I'm just going to leave it alone..at least until i have 1, talked it over for a while with a T and 2, established a firm bond of trust w someone and made sure that they both respect the rules and also are informed on and sensitive to my survivor issues.

What i still need help on though is deciding where to go with this relationship...this guy says he's fallen in love with me and wants to be my BF. I know that i'm not wanting a relationship with someone who isn't sensitive to my problems, and i'm really starting to feel like his infatuation with me might be mostly his sadism having been aroused.
I mean, until last week when he paddled me to tears, he showed little interest in me for months.

It was kind of the same with the girl i was with before. The first time we met she tortured me perfectly--just enough and i loved it and then we had sex. Then for a while, i was the one calling her all the time telling her i was horny and she was always "so busy". But then the third time we did the torture for sex thing i guess i thought if i let her go as far as she wanted she would want to do it more..and yeah i was right about that. Seems to be the tears that are the chief turn on.

Anyway, so i still really care for this guy, but he's shown that he can be insensitive, and i do want my Ahole and butt cheeks to remain in one piece, so i don't want to arouse his sadism any further, because i'm afraid that once that things out of the box it's a monster. The girl became very manipulative to get what she wanted, and i'm afraid he might too. What should i do? He told me he wants to do better at understanding my needs, so i feel like cutting him some slack...but how much and what will he do with it? Donno...


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#206597 - 02/21/08 01:59 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
mogigo Offline
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Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I've had some of the same interests as well blue, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it really isn't what I was looking for but I spent quite alot of time on the site I posted the link for. It's the same type of format as MS, lots of different topics and lots of people offering opinions.

I'm actually on MS because of the discussions I had with people on this site. It was suggested I come to this type of site before I start looking into the sort of thing you're talking about.

Disclaimer**** I do not recommend or disapprove of this type of lifestyle. I just found some answers here and thought it might be helpful to you as well. Also be careful if you do visit this site, many trolls and predators, but many great, kind, caring and wonderful people as well.

You're an adult, be safe and be aware okay.

http://www.collarchat.com

Stay Strong
Mike

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#206614 - 02/21/08 03:36 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
Stephen_5 Offline
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MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Blue,

Just my opinion, don't get any further into a relationship with this guy. He doesn't hear you when you say the safe word; he is not understanding about the rape issues; he ignores your wants and needs; he riducules your feelings. Did I get that right?

For me, I couldn't let myself be that controlled by another person, I couldn't trust them enough to do that. I have enough problems that I don't need to let someone else leave me feeling helpless and used again.

Blue, I hope that you find someone who loves you and makes you feel special and loved and secure and happy.

Steve

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#206667 - 02/21/08 10:57 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: mogigo]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: mogigo
I've had some of the same interests as well blue, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it really isn't what I was looking for but I spent quite alot of time on the site I posted the link for. It's the same type of format as MS, lots of different topics and lots of people offering opinions.

I'm actually on MS because of the discussions I had with people on this site. It was suggested I come to this type of site before I start looking into the sort of thing you're talking about.

Disclaimer**** I do not recommend or disapprove of this type of lifestyle. I just found some answers here and thought it might be helpful to you as well. Also be careful if you do visit this site, many trolls and predators, but many great, kind, caring and wonderful people as well.

You're an adult, be safe and be aware okay.

http://www.collarchat.com

Stay Strong
Mike



Thanks for the link...it might be a good place to get a little more informed at least ....even if i'm not planning on more pursuing pain.

I have to admit some of that BDSM just scares me...like those leather hoods that cover your head and make you look like a burnt matchstick... i don't know what it is about that stuff..maybe that objectification of a human being. I really don't like all that gear that makes a person almost unrecognizable as a person except for the privates hanging out... Got a brother who's into all that. He does adult comics with BDSM/fantasy stories.

Maybe all i need is to find the right person, but i definitely want to get an opinion from a T about whether i should be exploring that at all in this stage of my recovery. I need to get the flashbacks under control.
I'm sure there must be some moderate sadists out there who can hang with just inflicting a little pain and not get carried away wanting too many tears. But how do you tell them apart from the radicals?

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#206668 - 02/21/08 11:03 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Stephen_5]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: Stephen_5
Blue,

Just my opinion, don't get any further into a relationship with this guy. He doesn't hear you when you say the safe word; he is not understanding about the rape issues; he ignores your wants and needs; he riducules your feelings. Did I get that right?

For me, I couldn't let myself be that controlled by another person, I couldn't trust them enough to do that. I have enough problems that I don't need to let someone else leave me feeling helpless and used again.

Blue, I hope that you find someone who loves you and makes you feel special and loved and secure and happy.

Steve


I think i agree. Just the way he only started talking about falling in love with me and wanting to be my BF after i let him paddle me to tears..is it me he loves or my tears? Not sure i want to know. It's just all too familiar already. Too many red flags.

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#206671 - 02/21/08 11:13 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
mogigo Offline
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Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Quote:
Maybe all i need is to find the right person


I think this is exactly right Blue, whether it involves a lifestyle in BDSM or a vanilla relationship the right person will always be the key to finding what I know I'm looking for. Never would speak for you \:\)

Someone who loves you will not overstep you're boundaries. And from what I've learned the aftercare is the most important part of ANY true relationship. Going "there" with BDSM might be freeing in a way but without the aftercare it's just more abuse.

What I did find helpful about the site was talking about my attraction to the lifestyle rather than me trying to get involved in it.

Glad you're going to stay away Brother

Stay strong
Mike

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#206747 - 02/22/08 02:44 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: mogigo]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: mogigo
Quote:
Maybe all i need is to find the right person


I think this is exactly right Blue, whether it involves a lifestyle in BDSM or a vanilla relationship the right person will always be the key to finding what I know I'm looking for. Never would speak for you \:\)

Someone who loves you will not overstep you're boundaries. And from what I've learned the aftercare is the most important part of ANY true relationship. Going "there" with BDSM might be freeing in a way but without the aftercare it's just more abuse.

What I did find helpful about the site was talking about my attraction to the lifestyle rather than me trying to get involved in it.

Glad you're going to stay away Brother

Stay strong
Mike


Hmmm. Funny. I've never even heard the term "aftercare" ...is that the part where i get told to "quit feeling sorry for myself"? (sarcasm)
I'm guessing maybe the parts of BDSM with the word "care" in them are the chapters my lover skipped. \:\)

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#206804 - 02/22/08 07:36 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
mogigo Offline
Member
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Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Doesn't sound like being told to "quit feeling sorry for yourself" has anything to do with the word care \:\) I know, being sarcastic right back at ya.

Aftercare is the discussion of boundaries within any real BDSM relationship. It's a moment of love and tenderness between two people who are trying to BOTH get their needs fulfilled and who do love each other. It's making sure that what just happened is good for BOTH of you. Even though caring, and tenderness and gentleness don't seem to go with the term BDSM, anyone worth their salt in lifestyle will tell you it's the most important part.

What's that definition of a person who uses somebody to fulfill their own needs and disregards anothers?.....hmmm can't quite put my finger on it.....geez Blue I know you know what I'm talking about...... \:\) Sorry you started the sarcasm ;\)

lover isn't the word I would use, user seems to ring more true.

Hey, hope I'm not being to rough, I understand completely okay. Humour's good right \:\)

Stay strong
Mike

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#206871 - 02/22/08 11:48 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: mogigo]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: mogigo
Doesn't sound like being told to "quit feeling sorry for yourself" has anything to do with the word care \:\) I know, being sarcastic right back at ya.

Aftercare is the discussion of boundaries within any real BDSM relationship. It's a moment of love and tenderness between two people who are trying to BOTH get their needs fulfilled and who do love each other. It's making sure that what just happened is good for BOTH of you. Even though caring, and tenderness and gentleness don't seem to go with the term BDSM, anyone worth their salt in lifestyle will tell you it's the most important part.

What's that definition of a person who uses somebody to fulfill their own needs and disregards anothers?.....hmmm can't quite put my finger on it.....geez Blue I know you know what I'm talking about...... \:\) Sorry you started the sarcasm ;\)

lover isn't the word I would use, user seems to ring more true.

Hey, hope I'm not being to rough, I understand completely okay. Humour's good right \:\)

Stay strong
Mike


Sarcasm is too dangerous for a cluts like me. It wasn't directed at you though...you misunderstood which wasn't your fault....i understand how you would have though. All the hostility was directed at who i'm calling a lover, who apparently doesn't understand SMBD the way you do and probably doesn't have a clue about after care, or at least hasn't shown it.

I'm sorry i wasn't clear about that, but no, i'm totally hearing what your saying and the sarcasm was just my way of commenting on this persons lack of understanding. I know it's a natural assumption though to make when someone you are talking to uses sarcasm to assume it's directed at you. Like i said, it's a form of humor i need to learn to avoid because it's too easily misunderstood in too many ways. \:\)

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#206873 - 02/23/08 12:12 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
lostcowboy Offline
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Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Blueshift, about this relationship. Run do not walk away from it. About the BDSM, do you enjoy the pain, or is it more like what you said, you hate yourself so this is the way to punish yourself? Here is a link to a interesting article about using BDSM as self therapy. If You Simply Must Use BDSM Scenes as Therapy

Do continue to talk about this. I used to have this way of masturbating, by sticking things in my ass. It was not until I spoke of it here on the site, that I came to realize that it was less about giving me pleasure, than it was about me punishing myself.

Take care,
Clifford

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#206949 - 02/23/08 01:11 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: lostcowboy]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: lostcowboy
Hi Blueshift, about this relationship. Run do not walk away from it. About the BDSM, do you enjoy the pain, or is it more like what you said, you hate yourself so this is the way to punish yourself? Here is a link to a interesting article about using BDSM as self therapy. If You Simply Must Use BDSM Scenes as Therapy

Do continue to talk about this. I used to have this way of masturbating, by sticking things in my ass. It was not until I spoke of it here on the site, that I came to realize that it was less about giving me pleasure, than it was about me punishing myself.

Take care,
Clifford


I've been trying to figure that out the last few days. That "birthday spanking" i got where i let my friend paddle me to tears just doesn't really have any other explanation but that i must have felt like i wanted to punnish myself. It stopped being about sexual gratification well before i got to the point of crying. But i also wonder if it was just that part of me wanted to experience something intense because i have got so good at numbing myself. Like the lyrics to that song:
"when everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know your alive".
But then too, i know that shifting back out of submissive mode seems to be a difficult transition for me and i may have just felt like it would be just easier to take the pain, although that really makes no sense at all to me. Actually none of it really makes sense. I really don't know if i'll ever sort it out. Looks like an interesting link..i'll check it out.

I know there are extreme masochists out there just like there are extreme sadists, but i don't think i'm one of those. I like being whipped or spanked to where i'm starting to make involuntary noises , but not to the point of tears. And i like to bottom, but fists, huge dildoes or butt plugs, forget it! Not my cup of tea. Just getting a penis for longer than ten minutes gets pretty intense.

I'm definitely too much of a wuss for extreme masochism, but at the same time, when i get horny i do think a lot about getting whipped and tortured..but...
I've been thinking about the difference between my current sadist and the one i was involved with about a year and a half ago. The one a year and a half ago, the more pain she inflicted the more she would touch me and kiss me and stuff, and, though she took it too far, it was more like it was about attraction and less about power and humiliation. That's more what i fantasize about. The domination and humiliation, though that too, if i'm in the right space can be a little exiting, it tends to be pretty triggering, and there is no turnoff that is more of a turnoff than a flashback.

To my current sadist's credit though, he did, when i asked him to, stop using the word "faggot" when he was dominating me and talking dirty to me--the burglar who raped me used that word two or three times during my encounter with him, so the word, which was hateful to me to begin with became a huge trigger.

I really don't know at all that he is likely to intentionally abuse me if i tell him i don't want it or push me to take more, but i don't really know if i can trust myself to be able to get out of submissive mode when i need to and say no, or whatever the safe word is.
Why i don't rightly know, but trying to say it brings on major anxiety and then after i've said it, somehow i feel really ashamed and raped where i didn't before. Like acknowledging that it is too much makes it feel like rape, or triggers those feelings somehow.

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#207257 - 02/25/08 04:51 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
blueshift Offline
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Well, yesterday he called me and asked if i wanted to come and tie him up and beat him. That sounded like something i could deal with. I thought it might feel good to beat him as much as he'd let me, after the crap he put me through. I also wanted to talk to him about the whole thing and see if i could decide just where this relationship was going. I went to his apt bldg, got there only about ten minutes late and pushed the appropriate buttons at the entry to have him let me into the building...didn't work...it went to answering machine mode.

So i called his home number...it rang and then went to answering machine mode...i tried his cell number....answering machine again. So i gave up and went home. Then, when i got home, just as i was writing him an email telling him that unless he had a really good excuse, i was calling it quits, he called me. I told him what happened and he said that he didn't hear anything...didn't hear the "entry sentry" didn't hear the cell phone, and didn't hear the home phone.

Well that's three different things that somehow he didn't hear. I'm not buying it. All i could think of to say was that this problem would have to be resolved somehow before i was willing to take the bus all the way down town and try it again. All he could think of to say was "ok well, i'll talk to you later online or something."

Well, that sounds like an ending place to me. The more i think about it, the more i think he is hearing from me only what he feels like hearing. He supposedly didn't hear me say the safe word when he was fisting me, but it seems to me that even if he hadn't heard the word, that the pain in my voice should have been enough for a caring person to hear to make him stop and ask if i was alright.

So thats the end of that. I've decided that if he calls again, i won't hear it and if he emails me, i won't see it, 'cause that sh*t works both ways.
It's really a relief, because, where i felt like i needed, to some extent, give him the benefit of the doubt, now i feel justified in saying there is just too much doubt to give him the benefit of.

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#207352 - 02/25/08 04:07 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
MemoryVault Offline
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Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Quote:
It's really a relief, because, where i felt like i needed, to some extent, give him the benefit of the doubt, now i feel justified in saying there is just too much doubt to give him the benefit of.


Hey, I think that's a good call. The only thing that makes dominance scenes work is when they are scenes. If the guy's "not hearing" a safe word, or asking you over and standing you up, that's real. (How do you explore the limits of trust and safety with someone you really shouldn't trust and who really isn't looking out for you?)

Good luck--stay strong!

David



Edited by MemoryVault (02/25/08 04:08 PM)

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#207459 - 02/26/08 01:10 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: MemoryVault]
blueshift Offline
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Exactly MV. Plus i think i'm burt out on the BDSM for a while...understandably i'm sure. I just want to be good to myself now.

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#208208 - 03/01/08 10:37 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
blueshift Offline
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Well, now i'm a little confused again. But i think i know what my plan is. Well let me share sippets of a couple e mals---will edit out names.

----- Original Message ----
From: (Him)
To: (Me)
Sent: Monday, February 25, 2008 11:29:05 PM
Subject: Ok

Well I guess you are not taking any messages from me on myspace.
I really don't know what happened with communication yesterday. All I can say is I did call you after it became apparent to me you weren't here. Now if I did not want to spend time with you why would I have called you?






On Tue, Feb 26, 2008 at 7:45 PM, Doug wrote:


"Well I guess you are not taking any messages from me on myspace."

nope

" I really don't know what happened with communication yesterday."

Hmmm. If something "happened" i would think you would have looked into it by now
to find out what happened. But apparently, you either don't consider all possible means of contacting you simultaneously malfunctioning somehow to be a problem, or you already know that what happened had nothing to do with those things.

"All I can say is I did call you after it became apparent to me you weren't here."

Yup, i guess that's all you can say.

"Now if I did not want to spend time with you why would I have called you?"

Before we get to THAT question, let's go back and deal with a few questions that I'm much more interested in. First, do you actually expect me to believe that you didn't hear #1 your entry sentry, #2 your land line, and #3 your cell phone, all at a time where you were EXPECTING me to arrive?? Next, why did you wait until 9:20 to call me - almost 2 and a half hours later?? Trust me ... by that point, there wasn't any point in calling me. So ... "... why would I have called you?" Here's a couple questions for you: Who knows? and Who cares? lol

xoxo

Doug


Then when i was sure it was all over and felt sad but good at the same tiime he wrote...

" Yes the door sentry is through the telephone not hardwired. My phone settings were screwed up and that was my fault for forgetting to change them back after that phone call.

Doug I really like and am so SORRY. WE bothare dealing with shit that sometimes distorts our perception. The call I received that I had to change the phone settings for was to report a theft.
As far as the answer to your question: "Who knows?" I got involved in a computer and lost track of time and after I conquered the world I looked at the clock and saw the time.
Furthermore in answer to your question "Who Cares?" I do care, for if I did not give a shit I would not be trying to contact you."


To wich i wrote;

On Tue, Feb 26, 2008 at 11:34 PM, Douglas wrote:

Well i feel differently now. That was the kind of explanation and the kind of apology that allows me to understand and forgive. I'm sorry for reacting the way i did. It occurs to me that you could have avoided that reaction had you explained all this to me earlier, though i suppose you might not have quite figured it all out yet, but that's not important at this point. What is, is that it's much more clear to me now that you do really care about me, and knowing that means a lot.

I'll admit that part of my reaction was also to the way you had gone about fisting me that night and how you handled my reaction, and i think we'll need to get together and talk about that. That too though, or at least part of it, i feel differently about now that i know you weren't just BSing me about not hearing the phones and buzzer. Since i had assumed you were lying about that, i felt your claim that you didn't hear the safe word was also suspect.

But at this point, i'm thinking that the only problem involved may be that both of us may need to be a little more careful about how we go about our BDMS play---maybe spending a little more time establishing agreements that will prevent things like hurt butt holes and hurt feelings. There is a lot to know about BDMS as far as making it feel safe and fun for those concerned, and i don't know about you, but i have not really delved into the methodology, but i have the impression that the BDSM community has developed and established a lot of helpful rules and guidelines toward the goal of helping people do it in a way that minimizes the possibilities of things going wrong such as did that night, and i, for one, plan to get myself a lot more educated on all that.

One problem that stands out in my mind is that the word "iguana", though easy to recognize if spoken clearly, may not be the best word to be able to speak clearly if one's speaking ability is compromised by reaction to pain. This lesson was learned the hard way, but i think that's why there is (as i understand it) a lot of methodology that has already been established in BDSM for the purpose of preventing people like you and me from finding things like that out the hard way.

But we can discuss that at length next time we're together, but for now, suffice it to say that all is forgiven and only warm feelings remain. Let me know when you would like me to come out again...just don't forget to set that phone!!!
Hugs!,
Doug

He wrote:

" WOW that response was well thought out...I am still digesting it."

Me: On Wed, Feb 27, 2008 at 9:28 AM, Doug wrote:

Well, if anything gives you indigestion, let me know, and i'll clarify/expound/rephrase or whatever.


**********end of emails**********************

There have been a couple more (emails) between us, but not relavent
to anything...no mention of my concerns...I have been invited over, i plan to either have a pointed discussion with him about his BDSM expectations or leave and call it quits. I need to know if he's really someone who cares about me or just wants to go like those before who's sadism came first.

We'll see how it turns out..




























--
Hate me if you want to; Love me if you can.



Edited by blueshift (03/02/08 10:53 AM)
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#208225 - 03/01/08 12:03 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
mogigo Offline
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Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Well Blue, just kinda of going with my gut feeling here.

I just can't help but feel like a lot of "weasel words" are coming out of this guys mouth. It just "feels" manipulative the way things are going with him. "Iguana" as a safe word, jeez talk about finding the hardest word to say in such a situation. To me coming up with that word just seems like alot of thought went into it and none of that thinking was for you're benefit.

Hey Blue, I'm just saying to you what my gut is saying to me okay. I'm no expert that's for sure.

Please just be careful with this guy okay, you came to this site for a reason and maybe you need the advice I got, hang around here for awhile and when you've straightened out more of "this" stuff you could go back and then look at that stuff.

Worried
Mike

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#208229 - 03/01/08 12:27 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
Scoutvictim Offline
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Registered: 06/04/07
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Doug,

Wow, the lack of relevant e-mail from "Him", sends up a major red flag for me. I think you should just write out another "well thought out" e-mail. In it you should let "Him" know, you are running for the hills.

It is painfully obviuos he is only looking to keep you for his gain, and doesn't care for your feelings.

You need people who care about you and your feelings in your life.

BTW... you may want to do another edit to the above post. In the title of your last e-mail to "Him", you give a little to much info about yourself. I'm not sure if that is a good idea in this forum. Since it is an "Open to the Public" forum, you may want to be careful.

Good Luck, and run from "Him" as fast as you can.

Luv ya,
Carl

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Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#208447 - 03/02/08 11:51 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Scoutvictim]
blueshift Offline
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Thanks for the heads up, Scout! I totally missed that! Fixed now. Whew! Thought i'd got all those kind of things edited out, but i was pretty trired.

Yea, i would have thought maybe he would have returned a thought or two in reply to my thoughts...but i'm getting the feeling he does'nt like me having my own thoughts on that subject.

I still need to test him a little more and see if he's really more sadist than compassionate person...if he doesn't want to talk about playing right, and/or minimizes the subject in any way, then he's looking at a lot of lonely nights with his spanking vids and a box of kleenex.

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#208449 - 03/02/08 11:56 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
mogigo Offline
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Loc: Colorado
You shouldn't have to "test" anyone Blue, that alone tell's me run run run.

There should be no tests just "knowing"

Stay strong
Mike

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#208452 - 03/02/08 12:02 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: mogigo]
Scoutvictim Offline
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I agree with Mike.

You have given him enough chances to show that he cares.

RUN for the hills!

Luv ya,
Carl

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Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#210013 - 03/11/08 02:38 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Scoutvictim]
blueshift Offline
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Last i talked to him, he said he was on his way to see his "shrink".
Haven't heard from him since...(on the advice of his shrink?)..that works.
If i do hear from him i will tell him that i need to see my shrink before any more play happens.

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#210015 - 03/11/08 03:46 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
Scoutvictim Offline
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Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Blueshift,

Remember that you get to set YOUR boundries. It's YOUR life and YOUR body.

Take back the control!!!

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#210052 - 03/11/08 10:41 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Scoutvictim]
VLinvictus Offline
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Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Good for you, Blueshift!

That sounds like a good plan.

Remember that we're here if you need us!

Dan

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~ Oscar Wilde

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#248725 - 09/08/08 10:04 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Stephen_5]
oneday Offline


Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: pacific northwest
hi blueshift, i am new here, but i am very much involved in D&s
(aka BDSM) your story has touched me, and i feel for you. i think you have gotten some very good advise here and i just wanted to chime in as well.

some advise, imho: definatley take a break from bdsm and maybe all sex,that is till you have a chance to get your head together, deal with your abuse and repressed memories, talk to your T, etc,etc. D&s relationships are first and foremost
consentual. no matter what side of the paddle your on !
anyone who chooses to ignore this is being very iresponcible.
that being said i don't think there is anything wrong persay with b&d,s&m,D&s, whatever. everyone has a right to love and be loved. just like you! \:\)
play safe,play smart, and take care.


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#248751 - 09/08/08 11:33 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Stephen_5]
JonathanKhonsu Offline
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Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 72
Loc: PA
oh blue I'm so sorry that happened to you. Dump the dude. He let you down big time. There's a reason for safe words and in that he really betrayed your trust. S&M can be really triggering and scary. You have to be able to trust the person that your under and he clearly crossed the line. I hope you find a Dude or Chick worth your time.
I was once told that the Sub has all the power. I didn't really relize what he ment. I used to think that he ment the sub could always bite it off or something. Now i get it. In a real S&M session, where both parties play by the rules, The sub and the dom both fulfil each others needs, ususally the subs needs take more work. and the sub can always stop it with one word. thats the ideal. unfortuantly the ideal is not always met and that is unfortuant.

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#248776 - 09/09/08 04:13 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: JonathanKhonsu]
1islandboy Offline
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Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Blueshift,

First of all, I would like to say I am sorry this has happened to you.


Since my BDSM? post I have researched this subject, and there are several good books on this subject.

My T advised me, relationship first and sex (this includes BDSM)
second.

I believe this excellent advice (for anyone listening).

I am still in the building part of my relationship and continue to read books that teach me things like physically tapping out with my hand if neccessary. (IF I decide to persue this subject with my new girlfriend, w/love and trust in place). This new knowledge will help me.

Good advice run...Run to the library or a bookstore...!!!

As I type this please realize I am coming from the kinder,gentler,humbler side of myself. I want you to know this IS NOT: EGO DRIVEN, BETTER THAN, PREACHY TYPE OF ADVISE...NOT,NOT,NOT.

Knowledge is power. Power is protection. Protection keeps you safe.

Please...be carefull...!!!

island

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#248816 - 09/09/08 11:58 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: 1islandboy]
mogigo Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
so very very an answer Blue, but truely it's not. Look farther and look longer. It's the quick fix.

Do we have a quick fix? in the end, I know we don't. Yea, it suck's. But it is reality.

Loving you Brother
Stay strong
Mike

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#248867 - 09/09/08 03:53 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Stephen_5]
M3 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Doug,

I'm really sorry that man took advantage of you and abused you ((Doug)). You deserve so much better!!

It is interesting to hear you say that you thought the BDSM might be therapeutic. That thought had crossed my mind too. I had all sorts of ways to try to rationalize it. But every time I really came back to one question - am I just really trying to revictimize myself by reliving the abuse? I'd done this in the past with my choice in boyfriends.

I'm not saying I'd never do it, but I'm going to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons and with the right person first.

Michael


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#249229 - 09/12/08 05:20 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: M3]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Ugh! I was trying to forget about this one. It's OK though. I probably needed to be reminded. I still talk to the guy but keep a distance.

I remember when I was writing about this and imagining how people must have pictured this friend I was talking about. I imagined people picturing his real personality as being like the one he wears when he's role playing, but outside of the BDSM role playing he's very sweet and unintimidating.

Nevertheless he is an extreme sadist and don't feel like I can trust his compassion to keep his sadism in check.


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#249230 - 09/12/08 05:58 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: mogigo]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: mogigo
so very very an answer Blue, but truely it's not. Look farther and look longer. It's the quick fix.

Do we have a quick fix? in the end, I know we don't. Yea, it suck's. But it is reality.

Loving you Brother
Stay strong
Mike


I guess I'm confused about what you are referring to as a quick fix, but if it's something to do with my relationship with the guy I was talking about in the post, I'm actually pretty satisfied with the way I handled it as far as where I'm at with him now. We are still friends, but he will have to earn back the trust I gave him before and it's probably going to take years if the relationship lasts that long.


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#249286 - 09/12/08 12:51 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
feelingafraid Offline
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Registered: 04/08/08
Posts: 76
Loc: 5,471 FT above sea level
Ok I am going to put my 2 cents in. being a dom and having fisted ppl it takes months and up to a year to get a person ready to be fisted. no matter if u have anal sex everyday. regardless or ur past he did not think that it would be fun for u even b4 u were in tears. he also could have caused perminate damage. Safe Sane Consensual needs to be what u and the dom go by.

toby

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#249693 - 09/15/08 02:22 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: feelingafraid]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Yeah, I'm pretty well turned off for life now on that whole fisting thing. I might be a masochist but I'm still way too much of a pussy for that kind of thing! I've been shot in the lower abdomen too, and if I had to choose which of those two experiences to go through again, I'd only pick the fisting because the recovery wouldn't take as long!


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