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#206667 - 02/21/08 10:57 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: mogigo]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: mogigo
I've had some of the same interests as well blue, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it really isn't what I was looking for but I spent quite alot of time on the site I posted the link for. It's the same type of format as MS, lots of different topics and lots of people offering opinions.

I'm actually on MS because of the discussions I had with people on this site. It was suggested I come to this type of site before I start looking into the sort of thing you're talking about.

Disclaimer**** I do not recommend or disapprove of this type of lifestyle. I just found some answers here and thought it might be helpful to you as well. Also be careful if you do visit this site, many trolls and predators, but many great, kind, caring and wonderful people as well.

You're an adult, be safe and be aware okay.

http://www.collarchat.com

Stay Strong
Mike



Thanks for the link...it might be a good place to get a little more informed at least ....even if i'm not planning on more pursuing pain.

I have to admit some of that BDSM just scares me...like those leather hoods that cover your head and make you look like a burnt matchstick... i don't know what it is about that stuff..maybe that objectification of a human being. I really don't like all that gear that makes a person almost unrecognizable as a person except for the privates hanging out... Got a brother who's into all that. He does adult comics with BDSM/fantasy stories.

Maybe all i need is to find the right person, but i definitely want to get an opinion from a T about whether i should be exploring that at all in this stage of my recovery. I need to get the flashbacks under control.
I'm sure there must be some moderate sadists out there who can hang with just inflicting a little pain and not get carried away wanting too many tears. But how do you tell them apart from the radicals?

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#206668 - 02/21/08 11:03 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Stephen_5]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: Stephen_5
Blue,

Just my opinion, don't get any further into a relationship with this guy. He doesn't hear you when you say the safe word; he is not understanding about the rape issues; he ignores your wants and needs; he riducules your feelings. Did I get that right?

For me, I couldn't let myself be that controlled by another person, I couldn't trust them enough to do that. I have enough problems that I don't need to let someone else leave me feeling helpless and used again.

Blue, I hope that you find someone who loves you and makes you feel special and loved and secure and happy.

Steve


I think i agree. Just the way he only started talking about falling in love with me and wanting to be my BF after i let him paddle me to tears..is it me he loves or my tears? Not sure i want to know. It's just all too familiar already. Too many red flags.

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#206671 - 02/21/08 11:13 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Quote:
Maybe all i need is to find the right person


I think this is exactly right Blue, whether it involves a lifestyle in BDSM or a vanilla relationship the right person will always be the key to finding what I know I'm looking for. Never would speak for you \:\)

Someone who loves you will not overstep you're boundaries. And from what I've learned the aftercare is the most important part of ANY true relationship. Going "there" with BDSM might be freeing in a way but without the aftercare it's just more abuse.

What I did find helpful about the site was talking about my attraction to the lifestyle rather than me trying to get involved in it.

Glad you're going to stay away Brother

Stay strong
Mike

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#206747 - 02/22/08 02:44 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: mogigo]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: mogigo
Quote:
Maybe all i need is to find the right person


I think this is exactly right Blue, whether it involves a lifestyle in BDSM or a vanilla relationship the right person will always be the key to finding what I know I'm looking for. Never would speak for you \:\)

Someone who loves you will not overstep you're boundaries. And from what I've learned the aftercare is the most important part of ANY true relationship. Going "there" with BDSM might be freeing in a way but without the aftercare it's just more abuse.

What I did find helpful about the site was talking about my attraction to the lifestyle rather than me trying to get involved in it.

Glad you're going to stay away Brother

Stay strong
Mike


Hmmm. Funny. I've never even heard the term "aftercare" ...is that the part where i get told to "quit feeling sorry for myself"? (sarcasm)
I'm guessing maybe the parts of BDSM with the word "care" in them are the chapters my lover skipped. \:\)

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#206804 - 02/22/08 07:36 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Doesn't sound like being told to "quit feeling sorry for yourself" has anything to do with the word care \:\) I know, being sarcastic right back at ya.

Aftercare is the discussion of boundaries within any real BDSM relationship. It's a moment of love and tenderness between two people who are trying to BOTH get their needs fulfilled and who do love each other. It's making sure that what just happened is good for BOTH of you. Even though caring, and tenderness and gentleness don't seem to go with the term BDSM, anyone worth their salt in lifestyle will tell you it's the most important part.

What's that definition of a person who uses somebody to fulfill their own needs and disregards anothers?.....hmmm can't quite put my finger on it.....geez Blue I know you know what I'm talking about...... \:\) Sorry you started the sarcasm ;\)

lover isn't the word I would use, user seems to ring more true.

Hey, hope I'm not being to rough, I understand completely okay. Humour's good right \:\)

Stay strong
Mike

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#206871 - 02/22/08 11:48 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: mogigo]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: mogigo
Doesn't sound like being told to "quit feeling sorry for yourself" has anything to do with the word care \:\) I know, being sarcastic right back at ya.

Aftercare is the discussion of boundaries within any real BDSM relationship. It's a moment of love and tenderness between two people who are trying to BOTH get their needs fulfilled and who do love each other. It's making sure that what just happened is good for BOTH of you. Even though caring, and tenderness and gentleness don't seem to go with the term BDSM, anyone worth their salt in lifestyle will tell you it's the most important part.

What's that definition of a person who uses somebody to fulfill their own needs and disregards anothers?.....hmmm can't quite put my finger on it.....geez Blue I know you know what I'm talking about...... \:\) Sorry you started the sarcasm ;\)

lover isn't the word I would use, user seems to ring more true.

Hey, hope I'm not being to rough, I understand completely okay. Humour's good right \:\)

Stay strong
Mike


Sarcasm is too dangerous for a cluts like me. It wasn't directed at you though...you misunderstood which wasn't your fault....i understand how you would have though. All the hostility was directed at who i'm calling a lover, who apparently doesn't understand SMBD the way you do and probably doesn't have a clue about after care, or at least hasn't shown it.

I'm sorry i wasn't clear about that, but no, i'm totally hearing what your saying and the sarcasm was just my way of commenting on this persons lack of understanding. I know it's a natural assumption though to make when someone you are talking to uses sarcasm to assume it's directed at you. Like i said, it's a form of humor i need to learn to avoid because it's too easily misunderstood in too many ways. \:\)

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#206873 - 02/23/08 12:12 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Blueshift, about this relationship. Run do not walk away from it. About the BDSM, do you enjoy the pain, or is it more like what you said, you hate yourself so this is the way to punish yourself? Here is a link to a interesting article about using BDSM as self therapy. If You Simply Must Use BDSM Scenes as Therapy

Do continue to talk about this. I used to have this way of masturbating, by sticking things in my ass. It was not until I spoke of it here on the site, that I came to realize that it was less about giving me pleasure, than it was about me punishing myself.

Take care,
Clifford

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Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#206949 - 02/23/08 01:11 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: lostcowboy]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: lostcowboy
Hi Blueshift, about this relationship. Run do not walk away from it. About the BDSM, do you enjoy the pain, or is it more like what you said, you hate yourself so this is the way to punish yourself? Here is a link to a interesting article about using BDSM as self therapy. If You Simply Must Use BDSM Scenes as Therapy

Do continue to talk about this. I used to have this way of masturbating, by sticking things in my ass. It was not until I spoke of it here on the site, that I came to realize that it was less about giving me pleasure, than it was about me punishing myself.

Take care,
Clifford


I've been trying to figure that out the last few days. That "birthday spanking" i got where i let my friend paddle me to tears just doesn't really have any other explanation but that i must have felt like i wanted to punnish myself. It stopped being about sexual gratification well before i got to the point of crying. But i also wonder if it was just that part of me wanted to experience something intense because i have got so good at numbing myself. Like the lyrics to that song:
"when everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know your alive".
But then too, i know that shifting back out of submissive mode seems to be a difficult transition for me and i may have just felt like it would be just easier to take the pain, although that really makes no sense at all to me. Actually none of it really makes sense. I really don't know if i'll ever sort it out. Looks like an interesting link..i'll check it out.

I know there are extreme masochists out there just like there are extreme sadists, but i don't think i'm one of those. I like being whipped or spanked to where i'm starting to make involuntary noises , but not to the point of tears. And i like to bottom, but fists, huge dildoes or butt plugs, forget it! Not my cup of tea. Just getting a penis for longer than ten minutes gets pretty intense.

I'm definitely too much of a wuss for extreme masochism, but at the same time, when i get horny i do think a lot about getting whipped and tortured..but...
I've been thinking about the difference between my current sadist and the one i was involved with about a year and a half ago. The one a year and a half ago, the more pain she inflicted the more she would touch me and kiss me and stuff, and, though she took it too far, it was more like it was about attraction and less about power and humiliation. That's more what i fantasize about. The domination and humiliation, though that too, if i'm in the right space can be a little exiting, it tends to be pretty triggering, and there is no turnoff that is more of a turnoff than a flashback.

To my current sadist's credit though, he did, when i asked him to, stop using the word "faggot" when he was dominating me and talking dirty to me--the burglar who raped me used that word two or three times during my encounter with him, so the word, which was hateful to me to begin with became a huge trigger.

I really don't know at all that he is likely to intentionally abuse me if i tell him i don't want it or push me to take more, but i don't really know if i can trust myself to be able to get out of submissive mode when i need to and say no, or whatever the safe word is.
Why i don't rightly know, but trying to say it brings on major anxiety and then after i've said it, somehow i feel really ashamed and raped where i didn't before. Like acknowledging that it is too much makes it feel like rape, or triggers those feelings somehow.

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#207257 - 02/25/08 04:51 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Well, yesterday he called me and asked if i wanted to come and tie him up and beat him. That sounded like something i could deal with. I thought it might feel good to beat him as much as he'd let me, after the crap he put me through. I also wanted to talk to him about the whole thing and see if i could decide just where this relationship was going. I went to his apt bldg, got there only about ten minutes late and pushed the appropriate buttons at the entry to have him let me into the building...didn't work...it went to answering machine mode.

So i called his home number...it rang and then went to answering machine mode...i tried his cell number....answering machine again. So i gave up and went home. Then, when i got home, just as i was writing him an email telling him that unless he had a really good excuse, i was calling it quits, he called me. I told him what happened and he said that he didn't hear anything...didn't hear the "entry sentry" didn't hear the cell phone, and didn't hear the home phone.

Well that's three different things that somehow he didn't hear. I'm not buying it. All i could think of to say was that this problem would have to be resolved somehow before i was willing to take the bus all the way down town and try it again. All he could think of to say was "ok well, i'll talk to you later online or something."

Well, that sounds like an ending place to me. The more i think about it, the more i think he is hearing from me only what he feels like hearing. He supposedly didn't hear me say the safe word when he was fisting me, but it seems to me that even if he hadn't heard the word, that the pain in my voice should have been enough for a caring person to hear to make him stop and ask if i was alright.

So thats the end of that. I've decided that if he calls again, i won't hear it and if he emails me, i won't see it, 'cause that sh*t works both ways.
It's really a relief, because, where i felt like i needed, to some extent, give him the benefit of the doubt, now i feel justified in saying there is just too much doubt to give him the benefit of.

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#207352 - 02/25/08 04:07 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Quote:
It's really a relief, because, where i felt like i needed, to some extent, give him the benefit of the doubt, now i feel justified in saying there is just too much doubt to give him the benefit of.


Hey, I think that's a good call. The only thing that makes dominance scenes work is when they are scenes. If the guy's "not hearing" a safe word, or asking you over and standing you up, that's real. (How do you explore the limits of trust and safety with someone you really shouldn't trust and who really isn't looking out for you?)

Good luck--stay strong!

David



Edited by MemoryVault (02/25/08 04:08 PM)

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