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#206483 - 02/20/08 10:12 PM Blueshift's S&M booboo.
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity

I'm really feeling bad right now. Really bad. Once again i have made the mistake of dabbling in sadomasochism and got too much of the sadism with the masochism.

I think my abuse as a kid made me a bit of a masochist but
I'm starting to believe that the whole idea of sadomasochism is inherently flawed because, at least in my limited experience, sadists aren't happy with just inflicting enough pain to get me exited, they want to hear me cry. They want to see tears running down my face. They want to see me react to a level of pain that i don't want to feel.

I have been through this once before about a year ago with a young woman i met. I let her talk me into..(bribe me with sex into) letting her beat me to tears. After that she was calling constantly. I have to admit, for the most part, the sex with her was worth what she put me through for it, because, frankly she was model hot and even the torture was fun (for the first few minutes, anyway). It ended though when she ignored the safe word and that was rape which, though i wouldn't have really treated it that way, was definitely a relationship ender.

Now last night i got together with a guy i have known for several months now. I let him paddle my butt a week ago. At first it was really exiting. I don't know really why i let him do it till i cried, but i did. I seem to have a hard time shifting out of submissive mode once i get into it...sometimes just the thought of stopping it and saying "no" triggers such a huge anxiety attack that i just can't do it.

When i was talking about it with him he described hearing me cry as "hot" and, i should have known at that point that i was on a really bad package-tour, but i thought last night that i would see if i couldn't just keep things light and easy. I did till he said he wanted to "finger" me, which sounded fun, but what he really meant was fist me and when i tried to use our safe word to stop it i was already feeling so much pain that i couldn't speak clearly and he didn't hear me say it...then pow! it was four years ago again and i was getting raped with a flashlight by a burgler.

Last night was only SLIGHTLY easier than that day i got raped. The flashback was so intense that it might as well have been the real deal.
And he wasn't understanding about the flashback. I told him that's what had happened and he was comforting me until i stopped crying and then he bent me over and started paddling my butt. I was still so traumatized by the fisting and the flashback that shifting out of the submissive mode and saying no was a huge struggle but i did. I told him i just couldn't do it any more because i was too freaked out from the flash back and i got stuff back from him like "Everyone has problems" and "your just feeling sorry for yourself".

He wants to be my BF. Not gonna happen. He is nice and bright and i like him, but he really let me down last night, and i truthfully wonder if he really didn't hear me use the safe word (even though it was more sobbed than said).

S&M might be a fun thing for some people, but if you are a survivor and are considering trying it, i wouldn't recommend it, quite honestly, because it's loaded with unexpected triggers and you really need to have a healthy ability to keep boundaries, because if you hook up with someone who enjoys inflicting pain, then you are after all dealing with a person who responds to your suffering with excitement rather than compassion. There might be compassion there too, but don't count on it not getting overrode by the other.

I don't know that i would say it can never be a good thing for a survivor, but i've definitely not seen that it is. I kept telling myself that it might even be therapeutic (theoretically) but you know..f that! It f ing hurts!

Then there is my friend who has the uncanny ability to always call when something like this has happened, just to say hi and senses immediately that all is not well and pulls it out of me what happened, (i'd lie if i wasn't so terrible at it) and then he always says something out of total lack of understanding that makes me feel even more like doodoo . He did that after i got raped four years ago. Said something about how he never would have let it happen to him. He's an idiot in some ways, but still a lovable one.

I made a decision about blow jobs a while back. Don't like giving em, and barely like getting them so the hell with them. I 'm making a similar decision now about S&M. If i ever let myself get drawn into
that scene again, you all can come over and beat my ass some more!
(if i still have one) I'm beginning to wonder though if my self-hatred is tied into it. Or maybe it's just my ass i hate--since that seems to be what gets the punishment. Never thought of that. Nah...it's too cute to hate. I'm trying to laugh here so i don't cry, but just so you know, i'm the only one who gets to joke about it---please. You might just be trying to make me feel better but it wouldn't work that way...this is really pretty embarrassing. uugh--long post. sorry. I do that.

Anyway...need hugzes and maybe input about this current relationship..I really do love him but won't be his BF. Does "BF" mean bitch like "fingering" meant fisting? I'm really wondering at this point if i should even see him again. I guess he gave me some warning..saying something about how if he got all five fingers in, my ass was his. So i was supposed to know that that meant that once he got all five in the whole hand would be next, but it sailed right over my stupid head.

I wasn't but i feel so raped again. I might go straight again and find a damn girlfriend! I'm bi, i can do that! Bi power!








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#206484 - 02/20/08 10:15 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Sounds like you ran into a true sadist and not just a erotic poser. Sorry that can be really scary.


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#206495 - 02/20/08 11:00 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Freedom49]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
I'm sorry to hear about that, too.

Radical sex like BDSM requires a relationship of absolute trust, and that's something difficult for people who have been abused -- especially if our abuse had physical or sexual aspects.

Most people who are truly in the BDSM scene understand and respect that and would never cause a sensation that the bottom doesn't want to feel -- and a safety word should be set up so the bottom can signal that he or she is not enjoying the scene and wants to stop.

BDSM, when done right, is about pushing boundaries of sensation, allowing people cross over the threshhold of what they would normally experience. But it has to be done with respect and trust.

If you would still like to pursue an interest in radical sex play and BDSM, I can get some references from a friend of mine to reputable and trustworthy associations of BDSM enthusiasts who take these rules seriously.

On the other hand, there are many things that I have to avoid because they are triggering to me, and it may be that BDSM is one of those things for you.

Thanks for sharing this, and know that we're here for you.

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#206520 - 02/21/08 01:12 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: VLinvictus]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: VLinvictus
I'm sorry to hear about that, too.

Radical sex like BDSM requires a relationship of absolute trust, and that's something difficult for people who have been abused -- especially if our abuse had physical or sexual aspects.

Most people who are truly in the BDSM scene understand and respect that and would never cause a sensation that the bottom doesn't want to feel -- and a safety word should be set up so the bottom can signal that he or she is not enjoying the scene and wants to stop.

BDSM, when done right, is about pushing boundaries of sensation, allowing people cross over the threshhold of what they would normally experience. But it has to be done with respect and trust.

If you would still like to pursue an interest in radical sex play and BDSM, I can get some references from a friend of mine to reputable and trustworthy associations of BDSM enthusiasts who take these rules seriously.

On the other hand, there are many things that I have to avoid because they are triggering to me, and it may be that BDSM is one of those things for you.

Thanks for sharing this, and know that we're here for you.


Thanks. Yeah, i donno. Too many bad experiences already. I doubt i could trust anyone any more to do anything rougher than f me. Even that is hard sometimes. And safewords only work if you are in a condition where you are able to speak clearly, but if you are using one, chances are you are doing so because you are feeling too much pain and too much pain tends to get in the way of speaking audibly.
The whole thing seems problematic to me in all kinds of ways.

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#206522 - 02/21/08 01:18 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Freedom49]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: Freedom49
Sounds like you ran into a true sadist and not just a erotic poser. Sorry that can be really scary.


Well, true sadists are people too. And they can be really hot. But then again, yeah, it can be scary. Bondage, even though it's a huge turn on for me is just not an option anymore. I just can't trust that much.

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#206524 - 02/21/08 01:31 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Problematic. Un, yeeaah...

Don't get me wrong, rough sex is fine. But you are walking the fine line of sanity there, bro. I'd never volunatarily put myself in a situation where I would ever need a safety word. Heaven forbid I had a dick in my mouth...

"Run, run, Toto! Run far, far away!"

I don't mean to minimize your situation Blue. I'm sure it's hard to excape from sometimes. You have the ultimate safety word, but you have to use it BEFORE the BDSM starts; NO! Once you start, you can't really shout rape afterwards...

One man's opinion, presented by

Lazarus

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#206526 - 02/21/08 01:48 AM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: Lazarus]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: Lazarus
Problematic. Un, yeeaah...

Don't get me wrong, rough sex is fine. But you are walking the fine line of sanity there, bro. I'd never volunatarily put myself in a situation where I would ever need a safety word. Heaven forbid I had a dick in my mouth...

"Run, run, Toto! Run far, far away!"

I don't mean to minimize your situation Blue. I'm sure it's hard to excape from sometimes. You have the ultimate safety word, but you have to use it BEFORE the BDSM starts; NO! Once you start, you can't really shout rape afterwards...

One man's opinion, presented by

Lazarus


Shouting rape is no cure anyway...not even a band aid really. I think BDSM can be done fun and safe, but it's easy to make painful mistakes too.

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#206593 - 02/21/08 01:15 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I guess i've pretty much made up my mind about the BDSM stuff. I'm just going to leave it alone..at least until i have 1, talked it over for a while with a T and 2, established a firm bond of trust w someone and made sure that they both respect the rules and also are informed on and sensitive to my survivor issues.

What i still need help on though is deciding where to go with this relationship...this guy says he's fallen in love with me and wants to be my BF. I know that i'm not wanting a relationship with someone who isn't sensitive to my problems, and i'm really starting to feel like his infatuation with me might be mostly his sadism having been aroused.
I mean, until last week when he paddled me to tears, he showed little interest in me for months.

It was kind of the same with the girl i was with before. The first time we met she tortured me perfectly--just enough and i loved it and then we had sex. Then for a while, i was the one calling her all the time telling her i was horny and she was always "so busy". But then the third time we did the torture for sex thing i guess i thought if i let her go as far as she wanted she would want to do it more..and yeah i was right about that. Seems to be the tears that are the chief turn on.

Anyway, so i still really care for this guy, but he's shown that he can be insensitive, and i do want my Ahole and butt cheeks to remain in one piece, so i don't want to arouse his sadism any further, because i'm afraid that once that things out of the box it's a monster. The girl became very manipulative to get what she wanted, and i'm afraid he might too. What should i do? He told me he wants to do better at understanding my needs, so i feel like cutting him some slack...but how much and what will he do with it? Donno...


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#206597 - 02/21/08 01:59 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I've had some of the same interests as well blue, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it really isn't what I was looking for but I spent quite alot of time on the site I posted the link for. It's the same type of format as MS, lots of different topics and lots of people offering opinions.

I'm actually on MS because of the discussions I had with people on this site. It was suggested I come to this type of site before I start looking into the sort of thing you're talking about.

Disclaimer**** I do not recommend or disapprove of this type of lifestyle. I just found some answers here and thought it might be helpful to you as well. Also be careful if you do visit this site, many trolls and predators, but many great, kind, caring and wonderful people as well.

You're an adult, be safe and be aware okay.

http://www.collarchat.com

Stay Strong
Mike

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#206614 - 02/21/08 03:36 PM Re: Blueshift's S&M booboo. [Re: blueshift]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Blue,

Just my opinion, don't get any further into a relationship with this guy. He doesn't hear you when you say the safe word; he is not understanding about the rape issues; he ignores your wants and needs; he riducules your feelings. Did I get that right?

For me, I couldn't let myself be that controlled by another person, I couldn't trust them enough to do that. I have enough problems that I don't need to let someone else leave me feeling helpless and used again.

Blue, I hope that you find someone who loves you and makes you feel special and loved and secure and happy.

Steve

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