The last several days,yesterday especially have been so overwhelming i feel like i am losing it yet again.
My day started off with running around pet sitting 4 different house with 4 different owners and i got through it ok running around like a friggin loose cannon and only when i finally picked my fiancee up early from work did i relaize how emotionally drained i was then i got pulled over by a mass state trooper and almost shit my pants i was so afraid, i was speeding end of story,i got a ticket and i was on my way.
I got into a HUGE arguement with lisa who is my wife to be and she called me a fuckin asshole because quite frankly i was, i refused to accept the fact i was speeding therefore i was wrong.The cop drove away and i called him a racial slur ....the "N" word in which after looking back on it was totaly wrong and unfair.
I'm very easily angered lately and i feel like i am going to lose it on her or someone else in that i'd never put my hands on her in violence yet i can see myself doing this to others ....i was raging to the point i was sweating and essentially screaming and talking down to lisa.
All this "STUFF" is so overwhelming for me afterall this relationship thing is very triggering because it means i have to communicate,understand,be considerate of her,listen when i really could give a shit less,be there for her when all i want to do is stay in bed alllll day,run errands etc etc etc.
Our wedding is coming up in september and all the arrangments have been finalized and ready for our big day yet lately whenever she talks about it(this past sunday for example) i shut down emotionally and become real distant and i'm not even aware of it.
blah blah blah blah....i am so confused with how I think,how I feel, how I want to be someone in life.
I desperately want to get a handle on my anger otherwise my life will be for naught.
I have had thoughts lately that "it" is not worth even trying to do the right thing because no matter what i did growing up it was never enough...and i was ridiculed and told i was no good and would never amount to nothing and shamed all the time.
Can anyone understand or see what "it" is i am going through because today was no better although i didn't get so angry i got real frustrated with the friggin system.
I'm a disable vet and i have filed a claim for service connection for PTSD and it looks good afterall i have submitted EVERYTHING the VA requested and yet i cal and call and call and call at least 4-5 times a week wanting to know the status of it....i'm obsessing over something i have no control over.
I am literally at my wits end and want out of the stress I put myself through on a daily basis.
I'm wornout and drained....i cant take it anymore....what can i do
what do i do
is there anything i can do....at this point i have no idea otherwise i would not have even bothered posting at all.
PS: i would apoligize for rambling but i dont need to explain why or give a reason to my stress threshold that is getting smaller and smaller as i deal with the stress getting married can bring into ones life
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "