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#20639 - 05/17/03 11:02 AM First T session ..... Help !!
JK Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/13/03
Posts: 26
Loc: New York
Well I had my first T session yesterday afternoon and I dont think it went very well.

I had some doubts about using a female and I should have listened to my gut on it because her mannerism did not inspire confidence and I could'nt connect with her .

She became a little defensive when I asked about a "PLAN" on how she was going to treat me . All I got was a little defensiveness on her part and nothing concrete.

Is it too much to ask a therapist what he/she's plan is , an approach ?

Please understand that I am sooo very confused and anxious about all this . I am still very new to this and dont know apples from oranges.

I kinda want the T to walk me through the whole process to slowly ASK step by step what happened and when and draw it all out in a way that I can undertand things. Because I am soo confused and have so many different kinds of emotions going I need someone to lead me through a discovery kind of phase .

Am I asking too much ?

Jack


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#20640 - 05/17/03 12:07 PM Re: First T session ..... Help !!
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Well I had my first T session yesterday
afternoon and I dont think it went very well.
Jack, going strictly by my limited experience (4 T's in 13 years) and observations, first "T times"
rarely seem to go very well.

Sometimes with that 20-20 hindsight we see that it went better than we thot. Sometimes however it might be that it really didn't go well.

Which isn't to say the situation could not improve with further sessions. Which in turn isn't to say that it will, and that a change may not be in order.

Usually I would suspect that it would take more than one session to determine whether or not a change is for the best. However, especially if we had significant doubts going in, we do have to pay some attention to our inner voice & instincts.

Well, that was a helpful rot of babble wasn't it?!


Quote:
I had some doubts about using a female and I should have listened to my gut on it because her mannerism did not inspire confidence and I could'nt connect with her.
Jack, if you want to answer this, do you have particular reasons for having doubts about using a female T? Sometimes discerning those reasons can help us decide if it might be worth it & a healthy growing experience for us to keep a female
T--or not.

Personally, I doubt if I could ever have a female T, certainly not now. This is becuz my so-called childhood was controlled by domineering & abusive
females, especially my mother who was my primary perp, both sexually & emotionally. I just can't imagine opening myself up emotionally that way to a woman with such a position of potential power over me; it's hard enuf with my wife of 23 years!

Interestingly, my massage T is a woman and I could
not imagine making myself so physically vulnerable
to a man; I'm even still a bit uncomfortable with
my chiropractor with the limited touching he does
(tho he's great & I'm getting over that).

This in turn is becuz while the majority of my SA was by women the emotional incest & abuse by them seems worse. Men were rarely around but were virtually always abusive sexually & physically when they were.

Also the abuse by men tended to be much more violent, from my father shaking me then s*cking me & making me s*ck him then *nally raping me as an infant (the first SA I remember), to the violent rape by the gay couple my mother sold me to when I was 11 (the last SA I remember).

Quote:
She became a little defensive when I asked about a "PLAN" on how she was going to treat me . All I got was a little defensiveness on her part and nothing concrete.

Is it too much to ask a therapist what he/she's plan is , an approach ?
Jack in her defense it may take a few sessions for her to formulate a plan. But she should at least be willing & started and I don't see why she would be defensive about it.

No a plan is not too much to ask for. If she is not willing to work with you on that, and/or if you just can't be comfortable with a woman, hopefully you can find another good T.

My preference would be a man who works with male survivors. But that's me. And while my T has done some work with male survivors it's not a specialty
or anything. But I wouldn't trade him!

Quote:
Please understand that I am sooo very confused and anxious about all this . I am still very new to this and dont know apples from oranges.
Hey I'm old and I still haven't figured it out! So take it easy on yourself ok fellow survivor?

Quote:
I kinda want the T to walk me through the whole process to slowly ASK step by step what happened and when and draw it all out in a way that I can undertand things. Because I am soo confused and have so many different kinds of emotions going I need someone to lead me through a discovery kind of phase .
Sounds reasonable to me Jack. I hope you can find that whether with this T or another one.

TC & TTYL friend.

Victor
Quote:
Am I asking too much ?

Jack


_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#20641 - 05/17/03 12:48 PM Re: First T session ..... Help !!
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
Jack there might be a better way of looking at it. Think about this for a sec. What is it you expect to gain? what questions are you there to find answers to? i got this one thrown at me: why are you here? i said wtf? why do you THINK i'm here?! he just looked at me....

There is no magic pill, there are no magic words. But the answers are all within you, not her. She can only be your guide. But if you think you can't trust her to guide you out of the forest then you definitely gotta find someone who can.


_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#20642 - 05/17/03 06:25 PM Re: First T session ..... Help !!
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Al,

Very good insights, I like your avatar, I like the cool icons, I hope you're doing ok, and welcome back on the boards!
\:D
Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#20643 - 05/17/03 06:37 PM Re: First T session ..... Help !!
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Jack,
My 3rd visit to my T, I told him I hated coming here. After 7 months of work, life is better, but at the very beginning I did not trust him or myself. I was scared and lost. I did not know which end is up. He asked me to tell my story and I couldn't. I think it took me 3 months before I could tell him exactly what happened but it took time and he seems patient although he does push me. I rebel at that, because of the control issue. Keep trying the 1st visit is difficult but you will know.

Chuck


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#20644 - 05/17/03 06:48 PM Re: First T session ..... Help !!
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Jack,
Im sorry you dont feel your first visit went very well. I've only seen one for my abuse and the first 5 didnt go well. But, please keep in mind; if you ask your "t" a question like "What is your plan to help me?" be ready to answer that for yourself. You need to know what you want out of going. You need to have goals set for yourself. Now dont get me wrong, this is easy to tell you but hard to do. I still have a problem with it. She should be able to answer your question's without to much diffuclty. And yes you have the RIGHT to question everything she does and says. So maybe next time you can go into her office and say "OK...here's what I want out of theripy (insert list here), how can you help me with this because I cant do it alone." As for wanting a "t" to "walk" you step by step, tell her, let her know what you need her to do in order to help you best. After all she does work for you. Remember as with any relationship, building trust is a slow process and you and her both have to talk openly and honestly about whats going on. Just give it a few more times before you try to find a new one. She may be just what the doctor ordered.
Well just my thoughts ok it. Good luck brother.
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#20645 - 05/17/03 08:18 PM Re: First T session ..... Help !!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jack
the first session is a scary one, and some might say the ones after are as well ;\)

Therapy is about YOU, a good therapist doesn't really have, or need, a plan. They won't ask many questions either. But subtley they will guide you and tease things from you, reflect them back to you so you can challenge your own thoughts.
It might look like they're just sitting on their butts listening for big bucks per hour, but it's a great skill, and the less you see of that skill the better they are.

I had a guy for my 1 to 1, and he was terrific, but I now have a woman facilitating our group sessions, and she's just as good. And never fear saying the wrong thing to a T just because they're a woman, they've heard it all before I promise you.

Keep trying Jack, and see how you feel after a few sessions, give both of you a chance.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#20646 - 05/17/03 09:07 PM Re: First T session ..... Help !!
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Jack,

Stop looking for that damn book! Trust me, it ain't out there! :rolleyes:


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#20647 - 05/18/03 12:50 PM Re: First T session ..... Help !!
JK Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/13/03
Posts: 26
Loc: New York
Thanks guys , your input as always is very thought provoking . I guess I just have to be patient and allow the process to work .

I think because I'm a bit of a see/feel type of person I have difficulty understanding how therapy is supposed to work . Like where is the beginning and where is the end ...

Can anyone tell me what the benefits are to group therapy ?

Thanks all , Jack


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#20648 - 05/18/03 04:16 PM Re: First T session ..... Help !!
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Jack,

Quote:
Can anyone tell me what the benefits are to group therapy?
Good question.

I'll let you know when I find out. I have an intake to start GT this week in addition to the personalized therapy I am in.

From reflections by a friend, it's in many ways going to be set by the dynamics of the particular group that you are in and by the parameters set forth.

With his group, there is NO social interaction outside the group with members, however if they meet on the street or somewhere they do say hello. He feels that this allows for a more 'sterile' setting and he gets a more valuable response to his inquiries/thoughts et al.

Additionally, no set topics are arranged at the beginning. I understand that with my group it is determined at the outset of the initial group coming together (No one joins after the second week and I believe it lasts at least 14) what all will be focused on. This determination is made by the members and NOT the therapist.

Hope this helps.

Glad you're here too bro. We're like a virtual group but as ALWAYS, live action is better.


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