I have had very strong impulses of wanting to invite a guy over to spend the night. We dated and were sexually involved awhile back . I broke it off when I shared that I was developing an emotional attachment. Sex was awkward and in truth I was not sexually interested but as is my usual pattern, I let sex happen. He knows of my past abuse and is very supportive and understanding. Looking back, neither of us was ready to go down that road. I am actually glad it did not become serious. I am certain I was not ready and him neither. I actually now see the insanity of what I did. I was involved with a decent guy for insecure reasons. He does not know that. In fact I just realized it this minute. We have remained friends and have occasionally been socially involved. I know he would come here to sleep with me and even agree to no sex.
My desire for intimacy or maybe I should call it physical contact has been very strong these past two days. I don't think I know how to be intimate because my old ideas of intimacy were always around sex. Why am I not surprised?
I tried to justify it by convincing myself that I can handle it and sex is not the motive. I honestly do not think it is the unconscious thought. I literally almost called him but stopped knowing I agreed to call my T for support. We have an agreement of no sex and no dating. My T is out of town. I am past the urge to act out but the desire remains. On the other hand I am afraid to go there, no matter how much I have hoped and believed I am getting to the place where I can handle it. Breaking our agreement would place me at risk of regretting being with him or anyone. I am respecting myself as well as the agreement. That is most important
I cannot allow anything to happen to place me at a risk. Yet I am feeling torn between appearing weak and needy. That applies in a number of ways. I want to feel someone close to me in a non-sexual way. I want help to keep me from going there. I feel like I will break an agreement and it is more that I respect it and myself. Either way I am embarrassed. I guess I will choose embarrassment over selfishness and regret. I cannot understand why this happened but this is a way of me putting a roadblock in place so don't fail.
The more I think about this, I am feeling saddened by it. To counter that sadness, I can think of how I am protecting that small boy who wants love and while that small boy Dan was unprotected and unsafe, I am here making it safe for me today. I don't know where this came from. Not any of it. I just cannot go into that place yet, even though I have hoped and felt I was getting to the point. The truth is it scares me. Imagine being afraid of love or closeness.
Do any of you guys know this dilemma? I would appreciate whatever you have to offer. Rationally, I see this as a step in healing but I am conflicted by desire and fear of closeness and love...or if it involves love at all.Thanks
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.