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#205531 - 02/16/08 05:45 PM Urge for closeness and fear of it
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
I have had very strong impulses of wanting to invite a guy over to spend the night. We dated and were sexually involved awhile back . I broke it off when I shared that I was developing an emotional attachment. Sex was awkward and in truth I was not sexually interested but as is my usual pattern, I let sex happen. He knows of my past abuse and is very supportive and understanding. Looking back, neither of us was ready to go down that road. I am actually glad it did not become serious. I am certain I was not ready and him neither. I actually now see the insanity of what I did. I was involved with a decent guy for insecure reasons. He does not know that. In fact I just realized it this minute. We have remained friends and have occasionally been socially involved. I know he would come here to sleep with me and even agree to no sex.

My desire for intimacy or maybe I should call it physical contact has been very strong these past two days. I don't think I know how to be intimate because my old ideas of intimacy were always around sex. Why am I not surprised?

I tried to justify it by convincing myself that I can handle it and sex is not the motive. I honestly do not think it is the unconscious thought. I literally almost called him but stopped knowing I agreed to call my T for support. We have an agreement of no sex and no dating. My T is out of town. I am past the urge to act out but the desire remains. On the other hand I am afraid to go there, no matter how much I have hoped and believed I am getting to the place where I can handle it. Breaking our agreement would place me at risk of regretting being with him or anyone. I am respecting myself as well as the agreement. That is most important

I cannot allow anything to happen to place me at a risk. Yet I am feeling torn between appearing weak and needy. That applies in a number of ways. I want to feel someone close to me in a non-sexual way. I want help to keep me from going there. I feel like I will break an agreement and it is more that I respect it and myself. Either way I am embarrassed. I guess I will choose embarrassment over selfishness and regret. I cannot understand why this happened but this is a way of me putting a roadblock in place so don't fail.

The more I think about this, I am feeling saddened by it. To counter that sadness, I can think of how I am protecting that small boy who wants love and while that small boy Dan was unprotected and unsafe, I am here making it safe for me today. I don't know where this came from. Not any of it. I just cannot go into that place yet, even though I have hoped and felt I was getting to the point. The truth is it scares me. Imagine being afraid of love or closeness.

Do any of you guys know this dilemma? I would appreciate whatever you have to offer. Rationally, I see this as a step in healing but I am conflicted by desire and fear of closeness and love...or if it involves love at all.Thanks

Dan


_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#205540 - 02/16/08 06:25 PM Re: Urge for closeness and fear of it [Re: Danbuff]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Dan,
Two points occur to me while reading your post. First I too see this as a good step forward. You are getting to the place where you are wanting to reach out to another human being and open your self in an act of trust. That is good. You should be proud of that step.

Having said that my second point that occurs to me is that you have made a promise to your T and to your self to talk with him before you make this move. I think that is wise too. You will just heap more guilt on yourself if you break that agreement and you definately don't need that.

I would like to suggest another option. Get out of the house. Go some place public. You can meet your friend there and have the emotional contact without the physical intimacy and talk to him about your feelings and your progress and get to know him better also. Then after your T returns and you have that conversation you will be better equipped to assess the relationship and decide what you reallly want from it. Just a suggestion.


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#205571 - 02/16/08 08:51 PM Re: Urge for closeness and fear of it [Re: Freedom49]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hey Freedom,
Thanks, Indeed I will discuss this with my T. I do not get out as much as I want to or need to but that is temporary because I have some limitations. Some are self-imposed other are for physical pain that will hopefully be addressed this summer. I do actually do some stuff with this guy but schedules often clash. I have never had a bad time with him actually. I need to broaden my social circle....you are correct. I guess it goes to that whole friendship need and occasional lonliness that I have.

I gotta say, I hate the word lonliness for me at least because I see it as a victim word. I am totally responsible for my path and happiness. I just want to feel closeness at times and I toss and turn wishing I could reach out and feel someone next to me. Silly perhaps but real anyway. It is hard to feel understood on that point. I was wondering if others ever fet this way.It is very frustrating at times but I am getting better with responding in healthier ways than in my past.

I appreciate your post.
Peace,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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