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#205516 - 02/16/08 03:48 PM A Beginning or an End...
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I haven't had contact with him for awhile now... This isn't anything new, and as he's said in the past, I should be used to it. The problem is,it's become just alittle too familiar. It's almost laughable, that after all this time, I've finally had enough.
I've done ALOT of thinking about our situation, and with him at a standstill, there's little hope, yet again. I love him, and this will never change. But I can't save him. And, while his issues are important, I can't allow them to be the focus ALL the time at the expense of my own feelings.
We will not go back to no contact with a birthday and Christmas gift exchange. The gifts never measure up to what's really important and at stake, and we both have enough souveniors from this relationship. I want "words". And, if he feels this is too much to ask for, that's his right. But after everything, (and I don't have to go into it all because every spouse and survivor can probably recite the list verbatum) that we've been through, I don't feel I have to settle for less.
This is my "line in the sand" that so many refer to. I can't do this anymore. I'm 42 years old. And, while I actually regret nothing, I sometimes reflect on my life and wonder how I ended up in this cross between a sitcom and a movie of the week.
I used to think it would be great if it were a movie, so I could see how it ends... It ends with this.
It's not an ultimatum even. It's what I need. And he has to now decide what happens now that the gifts are no longer an option. I'll respect his decision, but he has to respect mine, regardless of where that leaves us in the future.
Thanks for listening to me vent.
Always,
Liv


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#205532 - 02/16/08 05:46 PM Re: A Beginning or an End... [Re: Liv2124]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Liv,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It never ceases to amaze me as to how this CSA effects so many people...it saddens me deeply.

I do however agree with you....while their issues are important, we can't allow them to be the focus all the time at the expense of our own feelings and needs. We too have been hurt and effected by the CSA....we are every bit as important as they are.....it is our job to make ourselves as strong and healthy as possible and to be able to express our feelings and needs....if they aren't or can't be met...then it is time to do something different. As the old saying goes...do what you have always done...get what you have always gotten.

I applaud you for drawing your line in the sand. You are a most valuable person and you deserve so much in life. You are only 42 years old....I am 58 and I can tell you.....life goes by way too quickly.

Perhaps by taking care of yourself.....in the end....you will be doing him the best favor of all. Sometimes we get to a point where we have to do what is best for us....let go and let God....and see what the result is. Who knows....you might be surprised! If not....you yourself will be in such a better spot...that it will be ok.

Best wishes to the both of you....it is tough!

Lou


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#205566 - 02/16/08 08:20 PM Re: A Beginning or an End... [Re: Lou]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Liv,

I'm at once proud of you, in awe of your courage and determination, and empathetic for the emotional turmoil this brings. Crossroads are never an easy experience no matter the ultimate outcome will be a good one. You have my care and concern.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#205826 - 02/18/08 02:59 AM Re: A Beginning or an End... [Re: WalkingSouth]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Liv,

I am also in awe of your courage. I know deciding on your line in the sand is an immensely difficult thing to do. I think Trish accurately described it as brutal. I see this as the first step on the path to your happy life where you get the things you deserve (yes, we know the list). You are still plenty young enough to make lots of dreams come true for yourself regardless of the decision he makes.

Things WILL get better,
LJA (41 yo)


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#205929 - 02/18/08 07:09 PM Re: A Beginning or an End... [Re: LJA]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Lou, John, LJA,
I thank you all for your care and concern. It's weird to finally find myself in this position. To come to a realization that maybe he doesn't really love me, that maybe I've come to trust my intuition just alittle too much.
What I find peace with, is the fact that I honestly, have never lied to him. Never. And truth be told, I would've done almost anything he needed me to do. But I can't do denial. And that seems to be what he wants.
I'm no saint, by any stretch of the imagination. I fell in love with him 28 years ago and I've never loved anyone as much as I do him. When our relationship fell apart initially, I went on to marry someone else. It didn't work out. And while my ex was an abusive drunk, I wasn't entirely without blame. I don't think I ever actually loved him. From the marraige, I have 3 great kids. All in all, I have few if any regrets.
I don't feel there's any courage involved in this. And I don't want to hurt him. But there does come a point when I want to say, "What you're doing is hurting me. Stop doing it." I don't ever get the chance. He always pulls away without words. The birthday and Christmas gifts are to keep me in the wings, in case he needs me at some future time. I don't want them.
He needs help with this. This is getting away from him. And I've already played every card I can think of.
He has to make the next move.

Liv


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#205951 - 02/18/08 08:42 PM Re: A Beginning or an End... [Re: Liv2124]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Dear Liv,

My heart just aches for you. I can hear and feel the hurt in your latest post.

I am not sure that what is going on has anything to do with whether or not he loves you. I do believe however that it is not possible for any of us to love anyone else until we can love ourselves.

I do believe that you can hold your head up high for the fact that you have been honest, never lied to him and would've done almost anything he needed you to do. These are very strong and good qualities, qualities that are not always easy to find in any woman or man for that matter. Our qualities are who we are...and you should be very proud that you are the woman that you are!

Take care of yourself and don't sell yourself short. You deserve only the very best in life and above all else...you deserve much happiness. I will pray that you are on the right path to finding that.

Lou


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