Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Healer (53), Kilo (21), sdsjr (40), surfdude (57)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 20 Guests and 9 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63375 Topics
443149 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#205479 - 02/16/08 12:52 PM Continued new to the group post
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Alrighty, finally figured out how to post a new topic. Just a review, I just recently found out from family members that my husband had been abused for YEARS by a family friend. This abuse went into adulthood and was present at the beginning of my relationship with him. My husband has been denying the entire thing.

Update. I will begin theropy with Dh's old therapist next week. I can't wait. I also went and found a book that someone here suggested to me. "If the man you love was abused" (thanks for that suggestion) I'm 50 pages in and it's been helpful so far. We have had a breakthough as well. As I was saying hubby has been saying it never happened. I stopped asking and just started talking in concrete ways about it. I told him I was very sorry that this has happened, I am proud of who he has become in spite of such road blocks. I expressed a new sense of hope that some of his anger can be resolved now that we have a root cause. I told him I was going to therapy so that I could grieve this situation and best learn how to be helpful to him. I then said the only thing that I'm stuck on right now is why he never told me.....his response was that maybe he just doesn't know how to talk or how to express things.

I felt a huge burdon lift. For me this is huge. Things have been better the past few days. I've been able to express certain feelings I have without him freaking on me as before. We had a disagreement right before bed a few nights ago and this typically turns into an ugly night. For the first time in 18 years it didn't. He's letting me in a wee bit....

I know this is going to get way worse before it gets a tiny bit better but I have some hope. I have always felt like this marriage would end in divorce. It was just a matter of what was going to be my last straw. It still may be that way but I am not certain of it now. He has been very abusive to me over the years. I have had this bitterness for a long time. Nothing has ever helped us, not therapists, not books, not medication, not anger management...not anything....I'm not angry anymore. I know we have been treating symtoms all these years. We have never been able to deal with what was causing it. For the first time in a very long time I can look at what he's put me through and not instantly think it's because he's just a heartless ass! He's hurting. NOT that it makes WHAT he's done ok....just now I have something to help deal with and move forward from.

Thanks for all the support and reading all this!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

Top
#205487 - 02/16/08 01:38 PM Re: Continued new to the group post [Re: dangal]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
dangal,
Your absolutely right you have made a huge step and he has made some progress too. As you continue to use this non threatening approach he will relax his defenses and feel comfortable letting you in more and more. Go slow, It took a long time to get here and it will take some time to come back to a place where he is ok and knows your here to stay and love him no matter what he has done. His guilt is huge. Unconditional love will over come that if you have the patience and belived me it is worth it.


Top
#205512 - 02/16/08 03:26 PM Re: Continued new to the group post [Re: Freedom49]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Good for you Jen! You figured out how to start a new post \:\) and you started to figure out how to best deal with the situation you're in.

Over and over and over again, you will see F&F and survivors telling each other that we have to take care of ourselves because it's the only way through. That is 100% true, but actually making it happen is 100% hard. It's so much more than taking a day at the spa or buying a new pair of shoes or going on a shopping spree; we have to change our mindset and how we approach not only life in general but our partners and ourselves.

When you said "I'm not angry anymore" my heart lifted. Nothing diffuses anger like understanding. You'll get angry again, but for different reasons, valid reasons, and with the tools you are learning, you'll be able to cope with that anger so it doesn't eat you up. I'm so proud of you! I think your husband is very, very lucky man.

ROCK ON.........Trish

PS: a new pair of shoes every now and again doesn't hurt either

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#205518 - 02/16/08 04:02 PM Re: Continued new to the group post [Re: Freedom49]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Thanks freedom. I am taking things slow. I'm going to deal with things in therapy that I think he's not ready to hear. I also have his step brother to talk to. He was the one who disclosed this to me, accidentally, he thought I would have known already considering it was "common knowledge" within the family. I called him this morning to muster the strength to return a call to my mil. I have some new found anger with her. She already drank away her life, neglected my husband and made my life hell on and off over the years, now I find out she brought in this guy from the bar and then allowed him to take over being the main care giver for my husband, brother and step brothers. She could drink free and easy while the boys were staying with this man on the weekends, going camping and going on trip around the country.

My husbands brother was a childhood friend, we were the same age and lived in the same neighborhood, were in classes together and I spent many a summer day on the back of his bike, or playing some sort of ball at the park. He was killed in an car accident, along with a step brother when we were 14. This situation brought my husband and I closer. However, since this has come out I now am dealing with the grief over what happened to the man I love, but also what happened to my friend. It's very sad to think of what he had to deal with before he was killed.

All and all I'm doing alright, but as I said I'm excited to start working on what I'm feeling. Knowing there is help is wonderful.

My husband has this chance to move forward and truly live life now.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

Top
#205519 - 02/16/08 04:06 PM Re: Continued new to the group post [Re: dangal]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Thanks Trish. I'm so glad I found this place! I think my husband is very lucky as well! \:\) He better start figuring it out soon! I think he's always know, but always had this lovely baracade to deal with. I'm off to deal with little people! Kids keep me grounded, I can't lose it or not fight the good fight knowing they need me and they need a stable family. Working hard is easy when I know what the pay off is. Thanks again. This is a very good place for my soul. I know my posts won't always be rosy, I know things will be hard. I also now know I have support.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

Top
#205825 - 02/18/08 02:32 AM Re: Continued new to the group post [Re: dangal]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Again Dangal,

I just wanted to say I am happy things have taken a turn for the better for you. I am glad the book is helping, and I think the therapy will make a big difference too. This can be such a roller coaster can't it. I find I invest a lot of energy trying to flatten out the highs and lows of the roller coaster and be 'normal' for my kids.

BTW, I am new to computer chatting and such things, so maybe I dont really understand how this is supposed to go, but I wasn't feeling that my thread was highjacked. I appreciated the posts and was grateful to read anything on the subject of partners in despair. Sorry you qualified for that group though.

Wishing you good things,
LJA


Top
#205844 - 02/18/08 09:13 AM Re: Continued new to the group post [Re: LJA]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
LJA & Dangal,

FYI, a thread gets hijacked when the responses tend to stray too far from what the original poster was looking for. It happens quite frequently because people's emotions are all over the place. It especially happens when a new member comes in and just doesn't know where or how to post. It's truly not a big deal and me and the other mods simply try to either bring the conversation back or get a new thread started. It makes life for all of the members here so much easier when 1 or 10 thoughts can be followed in 1 thread rather than 20 or 30. Nothing was done wrong at all ladies. I'm really glad you're here!

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#205845 - 02/18/08 09:14 AM Re: Continued new to the group post [Re: LJA]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
Wow Jen! I'm overwhelmed with Happy right now! I've got tears welling up as I read about how things are going for you and your husband right now.

I can honestly say, it's my wife's quiet understanding that helps me open up. When I don't feel safe, or I'm even the least bit uncomfortable, nothing will come out. The way you're approaching it is making your husband feel safe. He doesn't feel judged or threatened, so his fight or flight isn't kicking in! That's not just good for you, but I can guarantee that's huge for him! That safety will pull you together, it has for my wife an I.

Roger (Freedom49) hit the nail on the head. Unconditional love will overcome!! It's what I'm feeling from my wife now, something I haven't ever been able to feel from anyone. It can be hard to let anyone in. I'm just starting too, and as I do, my love for my wife has grown exponentially!

Hang in there!


Top
#206432 - 02/20/08 07:37 PM Re: Continued new to the group post [Re: JustScott]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Update:

Well guys, just wanted to touch base. Been a busy week so I'm just getting back to you all. LJA..I'm glad you didn't think I stole the post! I'm new at this spot and all I saw was a area for friends and family and thought I was where I should be! Glad I didn't do anything wrong Trish! Thanks for the nice words Scott. It means a lot to have such support.

Hubby and I finally sat down and had a nice talk. Long and informing. It's so typical that it was eerie. This man did everything for him and his brother, took him camping, bought him presents, took them on trips, gave the much needed attention.....starting putting down his parents and friends, started isolating. Threatened him if he told. He said he's still scared of him to this day. He has never wanted to turn him in for fear he would hurt me or the boys. I can see that because he had threatened me. He said he never wanted me to know, because he never wanted me to imagine sexual things between him and this man. He said porn was used very early on to get him sexualized. He said he's confused on why he allowed this to go on into adulthood. He feels shame and embarrassment.

I was loving throughout the conversation. He said he didn't want me to have any details about the acts themselves. It's hard because I already imagine the worst, I have nightmares. I would like to know what happened to him but not at his expense. I am just so relieved that he is talking at all! This is huge, huge, huge!

He said that he felt loved and supported for the first time. That was great and awful at the same time. I've been with him a long time and he's never been able to let me in and allow himself to feel that love and support that was always there. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to not be angry with him, to not feel hopeless....I could go on and on.

He's confused on how to deal with his mother who allowed this to go on. He does not know if he should turn him in or if it would do any good. I feel horrible thinking he has and probably will continue to hurt kids. I know there is a time limit so he feels he would be putting us at risk of retaliation and embarrassment for nothing.....I'll let the therapist work those things out I think...what do you all think? Thanks so much for EVERYTHING. We are moving forward, and that is all I can ask.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

Top
#206595 - 02/21/08 01:32 PM Re: Continued new to the group post [Re: dangal]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Wow Jen, what a great post, I am so happy for you both. That was a HUGE step forward. I think I'm going to be happy for the rest of the day now \:\)
And just think, this came about because of you sticking to your guns, whilst not pushing him... you go girl!

The sharing of the details is a really tricky thing. My H shared details with me about 6 months ago for the first time. My therapist advised against it because she was worried it would traumatize me. We decided to go ahead with it anyway because we felt it was something my H needed to do. He had always been convinced that I wouldn't be able to love him if I knew what he'd been forced to go through. I told him it wouldn't make a difference to how I feel about him, I wasn't going to judge him by what someone else did. But, ultimately, this was something he felt he needed to do.
I had obviously thought a lot about what the options were, in regards to what he was going to divulge. I have educated myself a bit about this and I felt prepared. It was far worse than I had expected. When you aren't a pedophilic (is this a word?) sadist you simply can not imagine what one might do. So, expect to have your mind blown.

In case any survivors are reading this, what I heard DID change how I feel about my H. It made me love and admire him even more. I am in awe of his strength and courage and I am so amazingly proud of him... and he is still the sexiest man alive to me.

I got really freaking angry though. I thought I was angry before, but I have hit new heights with this info. Something I apparently should work through according to my T. We'll see.

I feel really sad that your H is still questioning himself. maybe that's the hardest part for the survivors... to forgive themselves (when they didn't even do anything wrong!) I know forgiving himself is extremely difficult for my h even though there was absolutely no way out for him, (he was very young and it was his parents who abused him).

Is it possible for him to just take a break from his mother while he decides what to do about her? That's what my H did initially.( I took advantage of the break to get photos of him as a child from her.)

Wow, he feels love and support for the first time. This stuff can be really bittersweet, cant it.

I want to write more but kids need me...

LJA


Top
#206631 - 02/21/08 04:59 PM Re: Continued new to the group post [Re: LJA]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
LJA

I'm not sure I will ever know the details. Like I said it won't be at his expense. I really didn't think about it being worse then I imagined....gives me something to think on. I know I am mad, can't imagine it being worse, but your thoughts are sure welcomed and I thank you.

Hubby is very good at ignoring his mom when he needs to so I'm sure that is where we are going to be at for awhile. He will be seeing the therapist Next week. I went this morning. It was nice to get some of it out. She thinks we should get a no contact order for the guy so he won't come bug us if Hubby does decide to start dealing with any of this and talk with his mother. We both are scared to death of the predator. I don't think he'll take to kindly to anyone trying to stop him or muck up his way of life. I know there is a time limit for such things....is there anyone on here that did turn in someone years later that may have some advice for me I wonder??

Thanks for all the support and kind words. It's very nice to have. I'm glad he does finally feel love and support, it's always been here....

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.