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#205216 - 02/14/08 08:02 PM Does it matter who cares ?
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
Six years ago on this date I was releced from a two week stay in the Mental Health ward of the V.A.Hospital in OKC OK. Sense then. I lost my Job as an automitive technician, almost five years ago. I have tried to return to work a couple of times. But I cant seem to put ay full attion on what I am doin. and loose the job in a few weeks to a couple of months.
I have gained about 40 pounds in thease years. I have let my hair and beard just grow . I do not leave my house unless it is important. I guess that I have become a hurmit. Some of my neighbors think that I am strange because I do not go out side much
If I am contint to live my life in this manner . It doesnt matter to me what other people think

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#205224 - 02/14/08 09:42 PM Re: Does it matter who cares ? [Re: OKIE MIKE]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Michael,

I am not sure what the answer is. I would say that in the end, it is what you feel about things that matters most. But also, I wanted to mention that there is a whole world out there to explore and see, and I wouldn't want you to deny yourself the opportunity to get out and enjoy it once in a while, however hard that may be to do.

I have an uncle that sort of fits the de>

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#205236 - 02/14/08 10:31 PM Re: Does it matter who cares ? [Re: ericc]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Mike, breaking the isolation has been key for me. It certainly wasn't easy I'll admit but I did find the right people to break that isolation with. I'm not ever going to go back that's for sure. Group was where I met the people I was able to do this with, certainly not everyone at group was what I needed but I did luck out and found one person that was exactly what I needed. Maybe try that Mike, even if you have already it might just take a few tries to find that person. I can't tell you what a difference he's made in my life. Hermit I know very well Mike.

I think Eric makes a great point, no worries about the neighbors, but I know I didn't care about myself for quite a long time.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#205243 - 02/14/08 11:42 PM Re: Does it matter who cares ? [Re: mogigo]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
The main question is, not whether you are content with where you are. Content sort of means that you are just settling with where you are. Is it your desire to be content and get by, or is there something else you would rather be? It doesn't matter what others think as long as you are happy with where you are. It's easy to run from our hopes and dreams in order to protect ourselves. We CAN feel content in our safety. However, in the end, if you could look back at the years you've lived, would you sit and wish you could go back and change something, face something, or do something that you were affraid to when you were young? Or, do you think you have some unfinished goals to accomplish?





Edited by endlessjourney (02/14/08 11:43 PM)
_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#205299 - 02/15/08 10:36 AM Re: Does it matter who cares ? [Re: endlessjourney]
Poet24 Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 36
The point is that your are happy with the way you are, and to heck with what everyone else thinks, at least that's how I see it our happiness needs to be paramount, which can be difficult, at least for me because we are 'trained' to be people pleasers, that is we learned to please people because maybe, just maybe, they would stop hurting us, at least that is how I have been my whole life, unless it is something I feel very passionate about.

I too have 'let myself go' at times because I take so little prisde in myself, another thing that was trained into me. But again the main thing ius your happiness or art least cointentment, we al need to learn that is far more important than what others thiunk of us, for everyone, and perhaps most importantly, if most difficult, survivors of any kind of abuse, especially SA.

So the main thing is ask yourself "Am I happy or content? Is it that importasnt what others think?" When you answer these then you will know the 'best' way to be.

Poet24

_________________________
THe spirit is a fragile thing, easy to break, but not impossible to fix.

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#205378 - 02/15/08 08:36 PM Re: Does it matter who cares ? [Re: Poet24]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I look at pictures of Me from before I had a nervious break down. I wonder where that person went to . I hope that he is still some where. Lately I have began smoke weed more than usual . I normaly smoked 2 or 3 times a year
But lately I have found my self doing this a couple of times a week. I have ben a major drug adict in the past. Lets just say that I have done a lot more than smoke weed. I know the monster that sleeps . I do not want to wake him .
In the last five years my life has went to shit. I wish that I could close Pandoras Box. But lately my life has goten so far out of controle that I do not think that The person in those picture will ever come back .

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#205412 - 02/16/08 01:23 AM Re: Does it matter who cares ? [Re: OKIE MIKE]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Michael,

I am not sure if this is any help in the weed area, but before I recalled the abuse/trauma and everything else I had repressed memory wise, I used to smoke a fair amount of weed. And I can say that I really pursued it and I just really wanted to be high all the time. In retrospect when I look back I see that even though the memories were repressed, the issues I was holding back subconsciously were causing me all sorts of problems and affecting my behavior in a negative way. They may have even been a significant factor in my drive to getting high and also drink the way I did.

When I recalled all that had happened in my life, it sent me in a tail-spin. And it was always the worst when I was high, as it seemed my mind gravitated to all the negative stuff; I really sent my mind into overdrive over all the bad things, and I kind of went crazy in a way trying to mentally escape from my own thoughts. Anyway, I realize now that I hadn't fully remembered everything at first, but I kept getting high even though it was no longer fun for me and it kept throwing all the trauma and hurt right in front of my face. It wasn't so bad when I was not high, as partially I hadn't full memory of all that happened, but I kept getting high and I think the trauma got worse. The weird thing is, I no longer enjoyed being high, but I kept doing it because I actually thought it was who I was, like it was my identity or that I had to prove I was this person, which in retrospect seems stupid but that is just the way it was for me. And I don't even want to get started on my attempts to suppress the memories and all the craziness I created in that. Fortunately, I was finally able to be honest with myself and say hey look, I'm driving myself crazy with this stuff, why don't I stop? Of course by this point my past was pretty clear to me and the trauma was in my face high or not, but life has been easier to deal with without being high. My next hurdle is drink, but I am on my way there and intend to keep with it no matter what it takes.

I think I am getting slightly off my point, but what I wanted to say is that you deserve to treat yourself well whatever that may be for you. Don't be afraid to challenge any boundaries you may perceive have been set up against you. If you feel you want to do something, but are letting insecurities make you feel like you shouldn't try, then second guess those insecurities. Only speaking for myself, it has gotten better for me, but I still all the time need to psych myself up for certain things, but then find I was happy I did whatever it was I wanted to do. And the successes (and even mistakes) seem to make it easier the next time around. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you deserve that, and at least from my own experiences I know I had a rough time (and still do) with it, but it is worth it.

Eric


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