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#204856 - 02/12/08 11:39 AM Letter Writing Advice
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2589
Ok, my T wants me to write letters to two of the people I have quite a bit of anger toward. Though she wants me to try to write from the perspective of the age I was when the abuse happened.

I had planned on doing this before now, but I just can't find a way to start. Can anyone offer advice on how to start this thing off? I'm really struggling, and really don't want to go to my next session this Friday without having written anything.

Thanks for any input that anyone might be able to offer.


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#204858 - 02/12/08 11:47 AM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: JustScott]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
You need to be ALONE and NOT bothered. Consider this as Holy Time, and you're to be LEFT ALONE. And since, being a family man, you're going to be asked for attention from the wife and kids, I suggest that you go to the local library and go into a little corner cubicle. It is here that you can FOCUS.

It's easier than you think. You just sit down and do it. You have a brain, you know how to write, and you remember what happened. I think you know exactly what to do. You're welcome to share it us, BUT you may also have shit of such a personal and embarrassing nature that you don't want to. I hope they let you leave the house! \:\) I know it's not easy for family men to just take off for an afternoon to be alone. Good luck Scott.


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#204862 - 02/12/08 11:53 AM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: Hauser]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Scott,
I like what Hauser said about getting alone somewhere. Excellent idea.
I would add that you can take a toy or something from you childhood or something kid like with you to get you focused on the age. Then just tell what your feeling and why your angry. You can go into what happened specifics or not but hold or look at the toy and just go back and feel. It will flow.

I for one would be interested in what you come up with if you would care to post but that is not at all necessary and it might distract you if your thinking about how it would look on here so don't think about how it looks just let it flow.

Good luck.


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#204868 - 02/12/08 12:25 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: Freedom49]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Sir Scott the Important,

I like the ideas Roger and Hauser have shared.

Let me tell you a few things that help me write. I will sometimes take the third person view. I try and write as if I'm a news reporter. This allows me to think clearly while I go through the process of explaining what happened.

I will sometimes take the route of writing a story. (*wink* like about queens and owls *wink*) If I start with a simple phrase like ... "Once upon a time there was a little boy named Scotty...", it can get me in the right frame of mind. I find that once I start writing, everything just continues to flow. After I get the main points out, (ie anger, betrayal, hurt and revenge) I will then go back and edit the story to be more of a letter. This has helped me a lot in the past.

I find that once I get going, the feelings and words will just start to flow. I also find writing to be very theraputic. Most of the stuff I have ever writen, no one has ever seen. Which of course means I'm not writing it for anyone, just myself. This helps me clear my head and express feelings that can be good to let out.

I hope this will help you get started.

Good luck, you can do this.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#204872 - 02/12/08 12:52 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: Scoutvictim]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Scott,

I would also like to add my approval of all the ideas shared so far. One other thing I'd add is to go into it knowing that these are not letters anyone else will see. This is totally about giving yourself free reign to put down on paper whatever you need to say. The essential part isn't so much that anyone else hear what we have to say, but that we finally give ourselves permission to speak out, that we give a voice to that silenced child. As long as WE hear what that child needs to say, that's the most important part.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#204884 - 02/12/08 01:29 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: tartugas]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
Hi Scott,
Thanks for the post. My T has been talking about a similar exercise and I've been avoiding it. There are some good suggestions here for getting started that I think I might try. I've found in my journal writing passages or pages where it looks as though a child did write them. I hadn't really noticed them before. The one thing I do when journalling is free-form writing where I ignore all grammatical structure and spelling and just write everything that is in my head. I guess by shedding the idea that I have to be structured I'm able to put down anything and everything. Maybe you could try something like that. After, you can go back and make a letter out of it. I'd like to say I'm going to give it a go but I don't really think I'm ready for that yet.

Take care of you,
SCOTT


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#204894 - 02/12/08 02:16 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice *DELETED* [Re: JustScott]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#204898 - 02/12/08 02:31 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: awakening]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
See if this gives you some ideas about how to start. Pay attention to the 5 part letter format.
Ken

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html


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#204902 - 02/12/08 04:13 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO

Scott,

Ken Singer's post was really helpful to me. I rambled on and on in my first letter. I said what was on my mind and that was good therapy for me. Then I rewrote the letter to my perp. using some logic and Ken's 5 part format.

My T. told me after I read the letter to him that if I wanted to send mail the letter, I could do so just as it was written. However, I will plan on confronting my perp. in person when I am strong enough to do so.

Write whatever comes to your heart. You will be surprised how easy it is to put your thoughts into words.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#204904 - 02/12/08 04:18 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: KENKEN]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2589
Wow, thank you all for the input. I think I'll take some of everything and see what I can do!

Just need to find a time to get away and alone. It's snowing pretty bad here in PA, so probably not tonight. We'll see, definitely in the next day or so.

You all have been a huge help and encouragement to me. Not just in this thread, but in many others.

Thanks!


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#213015 - 03/25/08 03:23 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: JustScott]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2589
Well, it's been quite awhile, but just today I finally got to the point that I could write a letter! It's not from my perspective as a kid though. I don't remember myself at that age enough at this point. Maybe someday I will. I don't know.

I know some asked to see what I put together, so here it is. Feel free to comment, offer advice on modifying it etc.

Oh, perps name is changed from his actual one. Not that I care if anyone else knows his name, but I don't want to trigger anyone or have anyone here relate to the other side of the issue.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Firstname,

I initially considered addressing this letter to Mr. Lastname to make it less personal, but I quickly came to my senses and realized that addressing it such also generally conveys a level of respect. You however deserve none. So I'll simply address it to you by your first name as I don't want there to be any chance for you to dream up the possibility that it was meant for someone else. I once considered you, or at least for some reason, assumed you were a friend, but looking back I realize that such a thing was never a reality, and regardless of my misplaced desire to be your friend during that time so long ago, I have further realized that such a thing was an impossibility. If I had had adult understanding then that I do now, I wouldn't have bothered to even associate with you. You are certainly a despicable person. The fact that would use your larger size and strength to force either Kevin or myself into a submission hold and then refuse to let us out of it until the other got close enough for you to spit on them should have been enough for me to disassociate with you and never give you another thought, but I was truly a child then, with child understandings and feelings. I was lonely as a child and for some naive reason I somehow thought I could be your friend and that you likewise would want to be mine. How very wrong I was.

That incident mentioned before isn't the reason I am writing. The incident I'm writing to you about is probably one you haven't thought of in years. It probably meant nothing to you and you could probably care nothing about the effects it has had on me since it occurred. Your actions and attitudes make it clear that you are definitely a self absorbed and selfish person. The fact of the matter is that I actually had completely forgotten about the incident myself until very recently. Not because it was something that was easy to forget about, but because it was truly that traumatizing of an event that my mind suppressed the memory in order to protect me from it. In case you truly have forgotten, let me remind you! You had invited me over to spend the night. It was the one and only time I ever spent the night at your house. Shouldn't be too hard to begin to put the pieces together. If you'll recall, you suggested that we "hump" one another. I recall very clearly that I told you I didn't want to. I clearly recall telling you it was wrong and I wanted nothing to do with it, but you weren't happy with that. You turned on the pressure. You manipulated and pressured me. You broke my resolve and then took what you wanted from me. You used me for your own sick pleasure. You dominated and controlled me like you always tried to do to everyone. God only knows if you ever did that to anyone else. I'd like to think that as an adult maybe you've changed, but somehow I seriously doubt it. God knows Firstname. Others know too. I'm not keeping it quiet anymore, and you'll never know who I've told and who I haven't. Keep that in mind any time you bump into people who knew us growing up. They might know! Something else that maybe will help you feel the gravity of what you've done... I told my therapist the details of what you did, and you know what she called it???? She called it RAPE Firstname. Rape! I never thought about it before she uttered those words, but it is truly what it was. You raped me!

The fallout from what you did to me has messed me up in so many ways. Maybe you don't care, it would fit the kind of person you always were. Truly, I don't care if you care or not. But I care what it has done to me. It has caused me to do things I said I would never do. I always said that I thought hating someone was wrong, but you've violated me in that as well. I hate you! I'm hurt that I feel this way, but it is what it is. Maybe someday I can let that go, but right now, I can truly say that what I feel in my heart for you is nothing other than hatred. You want to know what else I know is true about myself because of what you did? I know for a fact that if I were to hear that you died in some fashion, that thought would fill me with joy. I hate that! I don't like feeling this way, but it is seed you planted in my heart when you violated me! You are responsible not only for your actions but the crap that has grown out of it! You created this evil within me!

Maybe the day will come that I will be able to let the anger and hatred go. Maybe the day will come when I can reach a point where I can forgive you. Even if they day does come, it doesn't mean that somehow what you did was ok. It will never be ok. You committed a crime against my heart, my mind, and my soul. Like it or not, you will at some point, be held responsible for it.


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#213020 - 03/25/08 03:41 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: JustScott]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Wow Scott that is powerful. I am glad you were able to do that. It is very well written and says things that should be said and that he should hear. I hope if felt good to get that out. Thanks for sharing that. I have though about writing a letter also to my other perp but I just don't know. This is a good format that I will consider


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#213029 - 03/25/08 04:24 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: Freedom49]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Scott,

Your letter to your perp. is as Roger said, Powerful. I am glad you were able to put your thoughts into words.

I have also written to my perp. brother and will share with MS some day soon. I am going to confront him eye to eye as I must do this for me. I can tell by your words you have come a long way in a short period of time.

Thanks for sharing.

Ken



Edited by KENKEN (03/25/08 04:26 PM)
_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#213043 - 03/25/08 05:39 PM Re: Letter Writing Advice [Re: KENKEN]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
Scott,

Yes, very powerful. I am reading this right now and can feel the sadness and other emotions stir up inside of me. This one hits really close to home. Thanks for sharing.

Eric


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