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#204828 - 02/12/08 07:08 AM Couples counseling tonight
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Tonight at 8:30 PM my partner and I have our first session with a couples counselor. I'm terrified.

I feel like I'm a little kid again, and that I don't have any right to be unhappy. I hear the little voices in my head reminding me that everything wrong in the relationship is MY fault and that I need to accept the blame and I need to fix everything and that I am a horrible, evil, little child to whom life has been much too good. I hear the universe saying that I've gotten too big for my britches and that I need to be knocked down a few notches (just like my dad used to say).

I have no idea what I'm going to do or say or what issues I'm going raise. It's got me paralyzed. I should be getting ready for work now, but here I am in my bathrobe posting online.

I'm going to get up now and get ready, but I just need some comfort and reassurance. Thanks.

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#204835 - 02/12/08 08:52 AM Re: Couples counseling tonight [Re: VLinvictus]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
(((VLinvictus)))

You're not in this alone!!!

David


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#204836 - 02/12/08 09:16 AM Re: Couples counseling tonight [Re: VLinvictus]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
VL,

I know it's nerve racking, but it's the beginning of you taking back your life. I'm not trying to say this will be easy, but work on the issues that most concern you. Let the counselor lead the conversation. Try and go slow. Your partner has to also participate, let him express his concerns, and try and learn from what he says.

It is a big step and I really hope you're going into it with the idea of trying to improve your life. Be open to the counselor, and give the relationship a chance. It is your life, and you do need to do what's best for you. If things don't seem to be improving, then don't be affraid to stand up for your needs.

Every relationship should be a give and take, you and your partner need to work together to make it better. If you don't see him working to improve, then you may have to consider working to end the pain. If that is the outcome, you have to look back and see it as a learning experience.

Take care of yourself, and be strong for yourself.

Good luck,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#204845 - 02/12/08 10:20 AM Re: Couples counseling tonight *DELETED* [Re: VLinvictus]
awakening Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 342
Post deleted by awakening


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#204901 - 02/12/08 03:17 PM Re: Couples counseling tonight [Re: awakening]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Thanks for the words of encouragement and support, guys. I managed to get up and out this morning, althought I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been vegetating at the office today.

I'm afraid of two things, one more so than the other. I'm afraid that the counselor is going to call us both on our bullshit and is going to make us openly and honestly communicate with each other about what we want and what we feel. Of course, that's the whole point, but it's not going to be easy or fun. It's going to be much to real and I'm scared.

What I'm more scared of, though, is that she's not going to call me on the bullshit and is going to let me slip back into my old childhood>
_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#204972 - 02/13/08 08:35 AM Re: Couples counseling tonight [Re: VLinvictus]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Vlin, I hope everything went well and you feel relieved. Your expectations for your first meeting were pretty high. I'd be willing to bet that you hardly scratched the surface, got acquainted and maybe got some homework. So I hope you are relaxed, because now the fun stuff begins.

I'm curious about what you call 'bullshit'. I know we all can be full of bullshit once in awhile, but you refer to 'our' bullshit and 'my' bullshit. How much bullshit do you have in your life?

I second your Thanks to Mom and Dad!

Lazarus

P.S. can I also ask where you got your screen name? Is it a combination of names, or is Linvictus your surname, or...? You don't have to go into detail, I was just curious. As for me, Lazarus was a character in a series of SciFi novels back in the 70's and 80's. Lazarus is also a fairly major character in the Bible, but I have no particular afinity for that one.

Sincerely,

Lazarus Woodrow Wilson Libby Long Smith, Esq.

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#204978 - 02/13/08 09:42 AM Re: Couples counseling tonight [Re: Lazarus]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
The session went very well, and I'll write more on it later when I can get my thoughts settled.

As for my name, about 6-7 years ago I was involved in the "Rate President Bush" and "Creation vs. Evolution" discussion forums on Netscape. There was this horribly obnoxious poster who obsessively accused everyone who said anything that disagreed with his view of reality of lying. A pretentious twit, he also like to bandy about Latin phrases like "quod erat demonstrandum."

Sick of being called a liar, I changed my user name on that site to "VeritatisLocutor" (Latin for "truth teller"). We had an over eager moderator at one point who banned me from the forum (and didn't unban me when s/he herself was banned). So, I logged back on as "VLprohibitus" (VL the banned) When Netscape apologized for the incident, I changed my name a third time to "VLinvictus" (VL the unconquered). I liked the sound of it, so I've used it off an on since.

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#204985 - 02/13/08 10:21 AM Re: Couples counseling tonight [Re: VLinvictus]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Now that my boss is gone and I can think, this is how it went down.

First, the omens were not good. My partner, S, was sick all day yesterday. Then, we got hit with a nasty snowstorm that made the roads in our hilly suburban town treacherous. Then, our complex's asshole contractor parked his truck too close to our parking space and we bumped into him when backing out -- which tore the entire front bumper off our car.

Yet, the session went very well. The counselor's office seemed a safe and cozy place and she seemed nice, but also the kind of hardnosed lesbian who is not going to take any crap from us. We were able to talk and share our our feelings without feeling threatened, and that was refreshing.

What I meant by "bullshit" was a combination of factors. One, I wanted to smugly display all of the insight and understanding and maturity I've gained in the course of therapy and 12-step programs, to show off how together I am (which is an act because I'm really a mess). She didn't let me do that. Two, I was afraid that I would slip back into the old pattern of saying and doing whatever is necessary to make everyone happy so we can all return to normal. She wouldn't let me do that, either.

She seems like she's going to be compassionate and empathetic, but tough -- which is a good thing. After the session, although I felt a sense of relief and refreshment, I also felt uneasy. She didn't let me sit there in the cat-bird seat but challenged me and knocked me off my high horse.

It's not going to be fun, but I feel very good about it. S approves of her, too. So, we see her again next Tuesday.

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#205001 - 02/13/08 01:54 PM Re: Couples counseling tonight [Re: VLinvictus]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
The winner and still champeen - VL: Still Unconquered! Damn the torpedoes, right? Sorry about your car, but so glad that you feel good about your T and your first session.

I think I know just the kind of person you're talking about your T being. A couple of years ago I crewed on a huge sailing yacht for Antiqua Race Week, and the crew boss was a wonderfully hard-nosed and very efficient lesbian named Anne. For the races we had a crew of about 40 (ten times the usual crew for this yacht) and she is the one I credit with our victory on the racecourse. She didn't let anybody get away with shit, her directions were concise and accurate and polite as a direct order can be and she had us sailing that yacht like a well oiled machine in no time. Everybody loved to hate Anne when she was all business, and I think everybody was genuinely fond of her in port. I never had so much fun in my life! Anne would have made an excellent therapist, too.

Congrats on taking this step. It may be more fun than you think, if you let it be a learning experience and not a battle.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#206112 - 02/19/08 10:20 AM Re: Couples counseling tonight [Re: Lazarus]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
So, here we are a few hours away from our next session with the T, and I'm scared all over again.

Last week, one of things that came up -- albeit briefly -- was my fear of articulating my own wants and needs for fear of hurting or upsetting other people (which I explored in my poem on the Poetry thread).

In the heat of a fight, I have told my partner that I don't think we're a good match and we shouldn't be a couple (and believe me, I had to have been really mad to contemplate saying something so daring). But to look at him calmly straight in the eye and say that -- it scares me. I'm afraid his feelings will be hurt, and I'm afraid of what that will mean about me (that I'm a horrible, selfish, evil little brat).

But this needs to be said. There is no sense in going along pretending everything is OK -- he himself has said worse things to me. And if I can't say this in the safe enviroment of the T's office, where can I say it?

All I can say right now is thank God for my anti-anxiety meds...

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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