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#204623 - 02/10/08 07:30 PM Can someone give me an understanding.
OneLifeOnly Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 12
I am reading Mike Lew's book Victims No Longer currently, and it's always talking about the adult being the perpetrator throughout it. I have trouble relating to it when I wasn't abused by an adult, but by a child (of seven) a year older than me, who was abused by an adult. So who can I be angry at in this situation, who do I have to blame? Is my case somehow linked to his perpetrator? Should I feel angry at this guy that perped my perp? Who I will never know of. I need this air cleared up, because I feel like I have no understanding why this happened. Why did the little boy tell me to do this? It's not like he was an adult who knew I was a young, innocent, and vulnerable (I believe those are some of the reasons adults target children)

Thanks for reading



Edited by OneLifeOnly (02/10/08 07:32 PM)

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#204628 - 02/10/08 08:11 PM Re: Can someone give me an understanding. [Re: OneLifeOnly]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
OlO
Your perp was acting out what had happened to him. He was helpless and vulnerable and could not protect himself. His feeling of being out of control of his life and his body caused a deep need in him to try to recreate the experience but with him in control. He was actually in all probability just trying like you are now in a childs perspective, to understand what happened to him and why his perp did this to him. What his perp was feeling while the man was molesting him. Probably not personal, you just happened to be available. I have read that this is common.
Who can you blame? Who can you be mad at? Be angry at the evil vile SOB who started this chain and damaged to beautiful young innocent lives for his own self gratification.
I am very sad this has happened to you but I am glad you are here asking questions. Welcome to MS.org heartbreat hotel. The good news is there is healing here. Stay as long as you need.





Edited by Freedom49 (02/10/08 08:13 PM)

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#204629 - 02/10/08 08:13 PM Re: Can someone give me an understanding. [Re: OneLifeOnly]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
OneLifeOnly... I might recommend reading... hmm, I think it's Ed's statement, its some way thru the book. I will have a look at my copy but it is about someone who was abused by his older brother. I'll dig it up and let you know on this thread.

Anyways, I can assure you that you are not alone. Mike Lew's book does indeed talk mostly about adult-child abuse situations but the scope of childhood sexual abuse is significantly larger.

I can tell you though that if a child of seven is asking sexual things of a six year old, that the seven year old, with nearly absolute certainty, was abused.

What I would suggest is to not worry about WHO to be angry at. Just validate that it's okay to be angry... Doesn't mean you have to direct it anywhere, just that you can experience that anger and allow it to exist.

One thing I will say here -- and I will be sending you a private message -- is that, I tend to feel like a victim of whomever victimized my abuser. It doesn't excuse my abuser from what he did though.

~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

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#204630 - 02/10/08 08:27 PM Re: Can someone give me an understanding. [Re: frost]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
OneLifeOnly... I was right, it's Ed's statement on page 172 (in my copy, anyway). Thats about same-generational abuse and as I read through that I remember identifying largely with the feelings associated with what he went through.

Keep talking and keep sharing and keep breaking the silence
~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

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#204651 - 02/10/08 10:27 PM Re: Can someone give me an understanding. [Re: frost]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Thanks for the thread. I recent checked out a copy of this book from the library and have had the same issues/questions in relating to the talk about the adult's violation of the child, given the circumstance of what I went through. Frost, I like what you are saying about that it is just ok to be angry, and not have to worry about who (though I certainly have some anger towards the person involved). This is my second attempt at giving this one a read (checked it out before last April), and I can tell I am more ready for it this time around.

Eric


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#204699 - 02/11/08 09:55 AM Re: Can someone give me an understanding. [Re: ericc]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
OneLifeOnly, that is exactly where I am! I read th first section and felt completely disconnected from the book. I currently remember 5 separate individuals who have abused me, and ALL of them were minors at the time. All were also very specific in what they wanted. I've often believed that each of them had to have been abused at some point, so I understand your feelings. I'm angry, very angry, but am often lost as to who to be pissed off at. Aside from the last one that I remember, I never said no, I never resisted, which I believe is one of the reasons I think it took me so long to figure out and identify what happened to me as abuse. The last one, I just flat out forgot about or suppressed until about 2 weeks ago. When I mentioned it to my T, the first word she applied to the situation was rape. One I had never considered when I thought about it. My thought was that I should have run away, or I should have left, that I should have done something. I know better now. I realize that by the time he came along, I'd endured 7 or so years of abuse. My mind was conditioned to shut off at the first sign of trouble. It still does sometimes.

I agree with those here, that the fellow in your life was acting out. He had been abused, and sometimes when that happens, that child in turn acts out that abuse towards others. It sucks to be sure. Makes it hard. If I had someone to be angry with, truly angry with, I think it would make it better. I am angry with the last two that I remember, so at least there I have some direction, but for the others, It definitely leaves me feeling lost as to how to deal with it.


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#204701 - 02/11/08 10:22 AM Re: Can someone give me an understanding. [Re: JustScott]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6596
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
OLO,

I had to turn off the anger once I came to the realization that 12 year olds just don't do that to a 7.5 yo without having been messed with at some point....at least the leader anyway (and I'm pretty darn certain he was SAed by his father).

Since coming here, I've learned that many child-on-child SA cases truly are the result of trauma reaction (or acting out).

For me, that realization is allowing me to "check-off" one more item of healing. I'm not saying I forgive my perps yet...but I understand one possible and likely reason behind what happened to me. I have no energy left for anger that has no logical and responsible target.

_________________________
Objects In Mirror are Less Than They Appear.

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#204704 - 02/11/08 10:52 AM Re: Can someone give me an understanding. [Re: Still]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
OLO,

For me, this question gets turned around. I was being abused, and I 'abused' someone else. The guy I 'perped' was a year older than me. We continued a sexual relationship for 5+ years after my abuser stopped, he was my first love.

I put those words in quotes because 1) I'm not sure they apply to me, and 2) I can understand why those words could apply to me...

Roger stated that your perp seduced you because he was acting out his abuse. Perhaps you could call it that, but in my case I was just shareing something fun and exciting I had learned. My abuse wasn't so horrible at the time, and neither was the other boy's. Of course now, 30 years later, I understand why it was so bad for both of us.

So, who should the boy I loved be angry with?

I'd like your input, it's something I've been trying to figure out for years.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#204714 - 02/11/08 12:21 PM Re: Can someone give me an understanding. [Re: Lazarus]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
If it helps Laz, I'm on the other side of that equation. All but one of the people I remember were younger than me. The one was actually 2 or 3 years younger, but he led and pulled me threw allot. I believe he was being abused by his father, and simple acted out with me, perhaps like you, he was sharing, "something fun and exciting". When I was 11 or 12 his family moved away. I missed him horribly for a long time. What went on didn't seem to bad either at the time. Now, along with everything else, it tears me up. I don't hate him. Matter for fact, I still care for him deeply. If I knew where he was, I would encourage him to get help if he hasn't already.

I hold no anger or malice against him or his older brother or sister. All of them I know for sure were physically and emotionally abused by both of their parents. I'm sure there was SA there as well. Truly, if I had to pick someone in that situation to be angry at, I'd be angry at his parents. And actually, I am angry at his parents. My mom still communicates with their mother, and I absolutely abhor the woman. I couldn't tell you where their dad is, their parents divorced many years ago. I know my mom hasn't a clue as to why me or my sister hate that woman and want nothing to do with her. Maybe someday we'll be able to share with my mom the things that happened. I don't know.


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#206525 - 02/21/08 01:38 AM Re: Can someone give me an understanding. [Re: JustScott]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

It's hard to know exactly how to respond to this one, since I was probably abused by children and adults. But I remember more clearly being abused by kids close to my age. Again, the children who abused me must have learned what they did from adults, so it does go back to abusive adults ultimately. It sucks, either way, whether you know who to blame or not. That's because there will always be feelings to deal with.
I know of few books that deal accurately with abuse from people close to (or younger than) the age of those they abuse. But I do agree with someone I talked to that said it's about power, control, influence when abuse happens close in age.
True, some jerk probably used those who abused us, but they have some responsibility too, since no one is a robot without choice. Anyway, I'm in the same boat.

Ed


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