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#204602 - 02/10/08 05:18 PM What moved you to RECOVERY
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
What moved you to RECOVERY

Hi guys I was wondering if you could help out. I would like to know what moved you to RECOVERY and what resources you found that helped on your journey.

If any of you have been treated unfairly because of gender I would like to hear about it.

I was told by the head of the United Way that The Women's Center was the agency which was suppose to help me. However when I went to the center I was told they don't have any programs for males ,they don't have funding for that. I was treated as if I was the enemy when I walked in there.


I feel that there isn't equal funding and resources for male victims of Sexual Abuse. We have been short changed on this way too long. Myself and a few others here are putting together what we are calling A Report to Congress and we need as much input as possible on this issue. Thanks for your feedback on this.


Tom



_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#204607 - 02/10/08 05:37 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: Muldoon]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
What moved me to RECOVERY was the need to find a better way to live. I had been engaged in very negative coping habits way too long. In 2001 the clergy abuse in Boston was every where in the news and I began to think I could finally come forward.

I found Male Survivor in Dec 01 and began to read all that I could. I knew that there had to be a better life for me once I stopped the hiding from the truth.

Yes, the CSA had impacted my life.

The guys here at MS showed me that things could be better. I told my wife in May 2002 after 20 years of marriage. She was at my side when I told the church about what Father R did to me. I found a good T to help me.I also have been to 2 WoR at Alta and a 10 day healing session to the FARM in KY where I meet my current T.

Male Survivor has been a excellent healing resource also.


Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#204613 - 02/10/08 05:50 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: Muldoon]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Tom,

I think after 40 years, things just reached a boiling point and I couldn't contain it any longer. I had a series of events that had occurred in my life that I think also triggered it for me emotionally.

As for treatment and support for men, it is practically non-existent where I live, and I live in a large urban area. I tried so many places to find a support group, but was unsuccessful. Most of the resources are geared to sex addicts. Not with survivors of CSA. I am sure there are some who attned the meetings that are victims of CSA, but was hard to identify with the group. I did find a group that dealt with sexual addictions that also had a christian background, but again it was geared to sexual addiction. I was very disappointed as you were on trying to find the resources for men. Everything was geared towards women and in fact, I received the same type of response when I contacted the various agencies. I got the feeling they didn't care about the men...as if it doesn't exist in that community. Especially after what has been going on in the catholic church, you think they would be more intuned and aware. It was rather disheartening trying to finally find help and getting no assistance or even interest in helping you. That is why I am so grateful and appreciative of MS.

Not sure if this helps.

Dan


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#204615 - 02/10/08 06:14 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: Muldoon]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
After many failed life times over the past 25 years of trying to treat my depression, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, it all came to a head on a night in October 2007 when I saw a Dr. Phill show on a pedophile that was caught. 10 minutes of this show opened the door I swore I would never open and that was about all the abuse I went through. I wrote of a couple of hours crying as I put on paper everything in as much detail as I could remember. I brought this to my T and never looked back.
So I have to say it was Dr. Phill in a round about way



Edited by GateKPR4 (02/10/08 06:15 PM)
_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#204618 - 02/10/08 06:28 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: GateKPR4]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
My life fell apart, my wife had an affair partly due to my codependent personality and porn addiction. I lived trying to get her straightend out and when all the work I thought I had put into the marriage failed "the affair" I broke. I ended up in therapy because I needed help dealing with the affair and I disclosed the molestation.

What I used to help me through?

Books, God, Therapy, wrote a book about my life. The thing I think helps the most was going over my past and realizing it had shaped my life completly to the bad. I realized I needed to reboot it, reshape it and so my journey began.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#204631 - 02/10/08 08:29 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: John Oarc]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Hi Tom

had been avoiding RECOVERY until I "whited out" on my way to work some years ago
when I came to I had no idea where I was which scared the crap out of me

reading everything I could about PTSD, complex PTSD & dissociation as well as
weekly therapy got things started


being here on this site for just a few short days interacting is "stage 2"

still have a way to go & grateful to all here!

_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#204636 - 02/10/08 08:51 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: ineffable]
Dude. Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 106
Loc: USA
The anger.


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#204638 - 02/10/08 09:14 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: Dude.]
VictoryisRs Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/13/07
Posts: 36
Loc: Seattle, WA
After reading several books on CSA, and finding myself in some of the profiles I read about, I was wakened to the fact that I had not completely addressed being abused by my uncle as a child. I've also wanted to connect the dots as far as changing things about my personality, ie, passivity, being afraid of the future, success, etc. WHile some of these things are common to people in general (and not caused by abuse), I found myself ill-equipped as an adult to forge ahead into the future w/out looking back into my past.


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#204657 - 02/10/08 11:01 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: VictoryisRs]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1955
Sadness. Depression. Traumatic responses and twitches. Watching life go by, and not participating in it. Just basically unhappy. In my head wanting to connect with others, and even feeling the invitation to do so, but not. Alienation. Shame. Guilt. Anxiety. Realizing I had lost part of me, and I wanting that back (okay, at first I was far too messed up to even see this as possible, or even who to know what that part of me was; but I'm starting to remember who I once was, and I had a lot of really good qualities.) Having been considered very bright my whole life, and being unable to even remotely create my dreams. I think more than anything, I wanted to feel it is okay for me to love and be loved by people I actually wanted to love and be loved by; my life was very lonely from my point of view (it still is in many ways, but I am working on making it better.)


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#204666 - 02/11/08 12:50 AM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: ericc]
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Tom,

What moved me to recovery was that i was tired of being held hostage for things that were not my fault.

Not knowing what was going in inside, i suffered for 40 yrs.

February 13, 2003 I had a flashback that started memories flooding back. FIve years ago this week.

At that time I was bombarded flashbacks, nightmares etc...

I still managed to work, though somedays I was suicidal. I managed to work until August 04 when i had a nervous breakdown.

I was off work almost a year on disability. I was at a very pivitol point in my life where i had 2 choices, return to work or go on disability permantly.

My T at the time was afraid i would never be able to work, it is hard to return to work after almost a year off she said.

I told her not to worry that i will go back. I went back to work almost 3 yrs ago, fulltime. It has been a real struggle and still is sometimes, but nothing is such a struggle as dealing with the effects of CSA.

A lot of time I have to remind myself that the perp(s) F***** Up my first 40 yrs of my life and that I will not allow them and the effects of CSA to F**** Up the second 40 yrs. Period.

-Jim

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#204668 - 02/11/08 12:57 AM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: GateKPR4]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Well, after looking at the web site of The Rape and Sexual Abuse Center here : http://www.sexualviolencecenter.org/counseling.htm

I took them at their word that they offer services for men... but after going there, they show up late to my appointment, turns out they don't have groups for men, nor gay male survivors, not particularly concerned or sympathetic, and the final insult, I wanted to volunteer there, but they called back and said I couldn't for two years because I had used their services (for a single visit to ask questions about their services). I felt they couldn't have said F*** *** any clearer.

And from what I've generally heard, Rape and Sexual Assault services groups often preferentially serve women, or treat men so badly they quickly go away. What a horrible shame.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#204728 - 02/11/08 02:53 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: LandOfShadow]
ConfusedinKS Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 6
Loc: Kansas United States
Hmm... for me I didn't start recovery until my wife of 11 years said she couldn't be my wife anymore. That seemed to be the flood gates within my mind that allowed me to remember, and to know what happened in my past.

Therapy has been a god send. I don't know if I could have made it this far without it. I also have been going through "The Courage to Heal Workbook" It has helped me piece by piece as I explore and continue my recovery.


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#204771 - 02/11/08 09:09 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: ConfusedinKS]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
The first time I was in recovery, I went in too deep, too soon. I was at work, I was 22, and suddenly started flooding with horrible feelings and memories. I was able to find a men's survivor group, and a series of counselors who listened but didn't know what to do except push me to remember more. I'm still wrestling with the fact that I remembered things that I don't think now are true. A bad set of family confrontations, a breakdown, and I had to shut the doors on the whole thing, which I did for 15 years.

This time, about two years ago, it started with a journal--I was worried about my career and jotted down some thoughts so I could get to sleep, and I found myself writing more and more of my life--the parts I've always known -- over the next year. I've gone much more slowly and carefully, not opening doors that I'm not ready to open...just letting myself speak about the things I know and have learned. I'm not pushing memories, I'm very hesitant about getting into therapy, but I might be ready for it this time.


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#204824 - 02/12/08 05:58 AM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: MemoryVault]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Where to begin--------------after years of runnig-drinking-------------knowing i was different--------------no friends---------------crazey thoughts-one sucide attempt------------------hateing myself------------------hateing the world------------------i ended up unemployed------------drinking heavey---------------playing with sleeping pills------hoping i would never wake up---------------------------well i keep waking up---------------------------------something snaped in my mind--------------------it was do or die-------------------------for some reason i chose do-------------------------------i went to a chatholic charities--talked brefily with a consler--------------she was going to put me in a drunk program-------------------------who me -------------------a drinking problem--------------i dont think so----------------so i moved again---------------running-------------------------back to florida---------------------still very low not knowing what to do-----------------------i went to another church------------------talked to a conselor there------------------------------he listened----told me the first thing i need to do is get back to work--------------------to take care of myself--------------------then we can deal with the other issues-------------------i pulled it together enough to find a job---------------------------------well i figured now i was back working---------------------------still drinking-----------------------------i mite as well work at a better place---------------------------------back to texas i went---------------------------------to one of mt old jobs--------------------------------------------well for some reason-i was going to make this work-------------------------------------i quit drinking-----------------because i finally realized this was hindering me----------------------------------oh i had my first flash back----------back when i was playing with sleeping pills------------------------------------before that i had no clue---------------------------as time went by i was having problemes at work----------------anger--------------------authority problems-ect------------------------i was going to loose my job-------------------i was tired of moving----running-----------------i started to realize -maybe all of my problems-isnt the other people--maybe its me---------------and how i see things---------------------so i looked for a t to help me make sense out of all of this--------------------------------------and i found this site---------------i guess that was about 2 years ago---------------when i found this site------------------------------been sober about 5 or 6 years--------------------------------in therrapy for about4 years----------------------------------i am some what better-----------------i have learned a lot about myself-why i do the things i do ----------------and my ceazey thinking---------------------------i was about48 years old when i finally woke up------------------------------------Steve


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#204842 - 02/12/08 10:04 AM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: sabata]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
As my marriage fell apart I found myself fighting off suicidal thoughts again. That drove me back into therapy. After about 8 months in therapy for the first time in my life I attended a day long survivors workshop sponsored by a local church. During the workshop the presenter had a list of 28 behaviors abuse survivors manifest (depression, mistrust of others, sense of isolation, sense of being wrong, etc.). I put checkmarks next to 23 or 24 of them. THat was the moment where I went, "AHA!" It wasn't just the crappy home I grew up in, that thing that happened to me that one time was actually way more damaging than I thought.

That's when I started looking more and more into CSA, it's effects, and healing strategies. I found this site, I attended a WOR, I found a group, and I've been talking more and more about my CSA experience and find a way to finally heal from these fears and pains that have dogged me for so long.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#204995 - 02/13/08 12:27 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: tartugas]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks Guys This has helped me a lot. I am sorry that we had to go though all the ruff times but I am so glad that we are now on this path together.

Our Report to Congress project is moving forward on many fronts. A few guys are working on parts of it right now. I really want this to be OUR report, look for a post soon asking for your help. No matter what your talents or skills you can be a part of this. There is so much work to be done.


Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#205498 - 02/16/08 02:17 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: healing_inside]
GuyD2006 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 20
Loc: Louisiana
I had reached the end. No amount of drugs, sex, money or alcohol could comfort me. I had a gun in my hand. My entire life up until that moment had been a lie. I overcompensated at every thing I did. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I finally told my wife after 20 years of marriage..I told her I was abused as child, that I was a sex addict, that I was addicted to cocaine and that I had a eating disorder.

I met with a T. She looked at me and said with confidence "All of this is fixable". She was right. After substance abuse rehab. I began to meet with her and I am much better. Still aways to go, but I'm better. I have a new career, every meaningful relationship in my life has been restored. My faith in a Higher Power has been restored. She was right.


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#205499 - 02/16/08 02:22 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: GuyD2006]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
YOU Rock Guy.


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#205529 - 02/16/08 05:39 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: Muldoon]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
Hi Tom,

I couldn't agree more. When I first started dealing with my abuse (albeit about 14 years ago), it was suggested that I join a group of male perps, because that is all that was available to me -- can you imagine?!!!. I tried many times to get help and was turned away by women (often themselves survivors and weary of men in general). Most of the time I have either been looked at with skepticism, had egregious comments such as getting whacked out on psych drugs and watching my father abuse my son in order to release more memories, completely been discounted because I am fortunate enough not to be a heroin addict, or had my trust breached by suggesting things such as lying to my wife. It doesn't help that I am 6'5" tall, people have often looked at me and decided that it couldn't have been so bad. Most of the time I've looked for "help", it's resulted in a set-back for me. My wife's devotion and books have been my greatest resources. I wish you the best of luck in your efforts. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#207106 - 02/24/08 10:28 AM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: tartugas]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks guys there is a lot of great infomation here and it helps us focus on this section of our report.

If you guys got a bit of spare time call your local rape center and ask about what resource are avalible for males. Ask about groups for males.

Thanks
Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#219029 - 04/19/08 12:33 AM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: healing_inside]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
Jacob,

Trying to get people to know what happened to me makes me feel less than human. I went through a phase where I almost went to my room to undress and get ready to please some adult guys that wanted to buy me, years after I had been abused. How many teenage girls do you know are argued with whether or not they are virgins after they've been forced to have sex?

I can barely remember the time that I didn't want to get naked on all fours and thank any man for the attention they'd give me if they would so much as spit in my face. Don't get me started on what I would want to do with people that spoke disrespectfully to me, I always wanted to repay insults with sexual favors.

I'm a heterosexual man, but child grooming has led me to taste semen whenever I listen to another man talk to me, almost for any reason. I feel like a concubine, and I sometimes feel like I was harvested like a crop or sent to the slaughter house like some ANIMAL.

I'm not in some backwater South Asian country, or an African land locked hell hole, this is happening to me in America. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of happiness. It includes Asians, it includes Native Americans, it includes African Americans, it includes women, BUT IT DOESN"T INCLUDE GANG RAPED LITTLE BOYS THAT JUST WANT A CHANCE IN LIFE.

18 years have passed since I was sodomized by an entire rape squadron of five young men that looked as if they were going into the house for no other purpose. I didn't need to hear the constant back biting shrews that don't have the brains to know that any human being can be hurt sexually the way I have.

If you think that our Court Systems have nothing to do with it think again. Because of a divorce I had to visit "My father" far too often. I told no one that I was drinking my milk from something other than a bottle during this time period. SO I had to go to my criminally insane biological father's house and work there as a boy bitch for other guys while my Mother cluelessly waited for my return to my real home.

NO ONE in my family knows what happened. But I know what happened, and I'm sick and tired of listening to women being the focus of attention for everything. Rape is a life style for me... All it needed to be like that would be for me to have been raped just once so I could remember it for the rest of my life. No... I was a concubine. Once a boy bitch always a boy bitch.

You really want to know why the country is going to Hell? Its because of both women and men are being treated as less than human. Just pay attention to the flames while Rome is burning instead of listening to the orchestra, please!


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#219599 - 04/21/08 11:38 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: Marinan]
grover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/28/07
Posts: 50
Loc: Tennessee
there was an article in one of the local newspapers by a femi-nazi journalist who did a piece on how boys should be taught how to behave so that women would not be the victims of abuse and proceeded to list all the resources available to women in the area.

I responded with statistics on the number of men that are also the victims of abuse and that it was a problem that effected BOTH sexes.

her reply was less than flattering, saying that the problem was far worse for women since there were more of them. Bitch.

_________________________
Shocking revelations, we are all deeply effected.
-the Waitresses "Wise up"

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