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#204668 - 02/11/08 12:57 AM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: GateKPR4]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Well, after looking at the web site of The Rape and Sexual Abuse Center here : http://www.sexualviolencecenter.org/counseling.htm

I took them at their word that they offer services for men... but after going there, they show up late to my appointment, turns out they don't have groups for men, nor gay male survivors, not particularly concerned or sympathetic, and the final insult, I wanted to volunteer there, but they called back and said I couldn't for two years because I had used their services (for a single visit to ask questions about their services). I felt they couldn't have said F*** *** any clearer.

And from what I've generally heard, Rape and Sexual Assault services groups often preferentially serve women, or treat men so badly they quickly go away. What a horrible shame.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#204728 - 02/11/08 02:53 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: LandOfShadow]
ConfusedinKS Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 6
Loc: Kansas United States
Hmm... for me I didn't start recovery until my wife of 11 years said she couldn't be my wife anymore. That seemed to be the flood gates within my mind that allowed me to remember, and to know what happened in my past.

Therapy has been a god send. I don't know if I could have made it this far without it. I also have been going through "The Courage to Heal Workbook" It has helped me piece by piece as I explore and continue my recovery.


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#204771 - 02/11/08 09:09 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: ConfusedinKS]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
The first time I was in recovery, I went in too deep, too soon. I was at work, I was 22, and suddenly started flooding with horrible feelings and memories. I was able to find a men's survivor group, and a series of counselors who listened but didn't know what to do except push me to remember more. I'm still wrestling with the fact that I remembered things that I don't think now are true. A bad set of family confrontations, a breakdown, and I had to shut the doors on the whole thing, which I did for 15 years.

This time, about two years ago, it started with a journal--I was worried about my career and jotted down some thoughts so I could get to sleep, and I found myself writing more and more of my life--the parts I've always known -- over the next year. I've gone much more slowly and carefully, not opening doors that I'm not ready to open...just letting myself speak about the things I know and have learned. I'm not pushing memories, I'm very hesitant about getting into therapy, but I might be ready for it this time.


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#204824 - 02/12/08 05:58 AM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: MemoryVault]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Where to begin--------------after years of runnig-drinking-------------knowing i was different--------------no friends---------------crazey thoughts-one sucide attempt------------------hateing myself------------------hateing the world------------------i ended up unemployed------------drinking heavey---------------playing with sleeping pills------hoping i would never wake up---------------------------well i keep waking up---------------------------------something snaped in my mind--------------------it was do or die-------------------------for some reason i chose do-------------------------------i went to a chatholic charities--talked brefily with a consler--------------she was going to put me in a drunk program-------------------------who me -------------------a drinking problem--------------i dont think so----------------so i moved again---------------running-------------------------back to florida---------------------still very low not knowing what to do-----------------------i went to another church------------------talked to a conselor there------------------------------he listened----told me the first thing i need to do is get back to work--------------------to take care of myself--------------------then we can deal with the other issues-------------------i pulled it together enough to find a job---------------------------------well i figured now i was back working---------------------------still drinking-----------------------------i mite as well work at a better place---------------------------------back to texas i went---------------------------------to one of mt old jobs--------------------------------------------well for some reason-i was going to make this work-------------------------------------i quit drinking-----------------because i finally realized this was hindering me----------------------------------oh i had my first flash back----------back when i was playing with sleeping pills------------------------------------before that i had no clue---------------------------as time went by i was having problemes at work----------------anger--------------------authority problems-ect------------------------i was going to loose my job-------------------i was tired of moving----running-----------------i started to realize -maybe all of my problems-isnt the other people--maybe its me---------------and how i see things---------------------so i looked for a t to help me make sense out of all of this--------------------------------------and i found this site---------------i guess that was about 2 years ago---------------when i found this site------------------------------been sober about 5 or 6 years--------------------------------in therrapy for about4 years----------------------------------i am some what better-----------------i have learned a lot about myself-why i do the things i do ----------------and my ceazey thinking---------------------------i was about48 years old when i finally woke up------------------------------------Steve


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#204842 - 02/12/08 10:04 AM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: sabata]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
As my marriage fell apart I found myself fighting off suicidal thoughts again. That drove me back into therapy. After about 8 months in therapy for the first time in my life I attended a day long survivors workshop sponsored by a local church. During the workshop the presenter had a list of 28 behaviors abuse survivors manifest (depression, mistrust of others, sense of isolation, sense of being wrong, etc.). I put checkmarks next to 23 or 24 of them. THat was the moment where I went, "AHA!" It wasn't just the crappy home I grew up in, that thing that happened to me that one time was actually way more damaging than I thought.

That's when I started looking more and more into CSA, it's effects, and healing strategies. I found this site, I attended a WOR, I found a group, and I've been talking more and more about my CSA experience and find a way to finally heal from these fears and pains that have dogged me for so long.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#204995 - 02/13/08 12:27 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: tartugas]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks Guys This has helped me a lot. I am sorry that we had to go though all the ruff times but I am so glad that we are now on this path together.

Our Report to Congress project is moving forward on many fronts. A few guys are working on parts of it right now. I really want this to be OUR report, look for a post soon asking for your help. No matter what your talents or skills you can be a part of this. There is so much work to be done.


Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#205498 - 02/16/08 02:17 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: healing_inside]
GuyD2006 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 20
Loc: Louisiana
I had reached the end. No amount of drugs, sex, money or alcohol could comfort me. I had a gun in my hand. My entire life up until that moment had been a lie. I overcompensated at every thing I did. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I finally told my wife after 20 years of marriage..I told her I was abused as child, that I was a sex addict, that I was addicted to cocaine and that I had a eating disorder.

I met with a T. She looked at me and said with confidence "All of this is fixable". She was right. After substance abuse rehab. I began to meet with her and I am much better. Still aways to go, but I'm better. I have a new career, every meaningful relationship in my life has been restored. My faith in a Higher Power has been restored. She was right.


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#205499 - 02/16/08 02:22 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: GuyD2006]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
YOU Rock Guy.


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#205529 - 02/16/08 05:39 PM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: Muldoon]
BMF Offline


Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Toronto
Hi Tom,

I couldn't agree more. When I first started dealing with my abuse (albeit about 14 years ago), it was suggested that I join a group of male perps, because that is all that was available to me -- can you imagine?!!!. I tried many times to get help and was turned away by women (often themselves survivors and weary of men in general). Most of the time I have either been looked at with skepticism, had egregious comments such as getting whacked out on psych drugs and watching my father abuse my son in order to release more memories, completely been discounted because I am fortunate enough not to be a heroin addict, or had my trust breached by suggesting things such as lying to my wife. It doesn't help that I am 6'5" tall, people have often looked at me and decided that it couldn't have been so bad. Most of the time I've looked for "help", it's resulted in a set-back for me. My wife's devotion and books have been my greatest resources. I wish you the best of luck in your efforts. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

BMF

_________________________
If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
- William Makepeace Thackery

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#207106 - 02/24/08 10:28 AM Re: What moved you to RECOVERY [Re: tartugas]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks guys there is a lot of great infomation here and it helps us focus on this section of our report.

If you guys got a bit of spare time call your local rape center and ask about what resource are avalible for males. Ask about groups for males.

Thanks
Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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