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#204241 - 02/08/08 10:16 PM My Moms....
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
So in therapy I'm dealing with a lot of stuff that is outside of my experiences in sexual abuse.

One such issue that is a lot more pressing, I feel, is my relationship with my mom and her partner, Julie. Julie, I feel, was emotionally abusive to my sister and myself. I also feel she is still emotionally abusive to my mom. I feel hurt and angry at Julie for the eggshells I had to walk on as a teenager, in my own house. I feel angry that her "moods" made me into a reserved man, afraid of angering even complete strangers. I feel angry that I am emotionally immature because, while focusing on Julie and her pain, my teenage mind was not allowed to grow emotionally and intellectually into an adult mind.

I am also angry at my mom, however. Although I realize she, too, was/is being abused at the hands of Julie, I think she had a responsibility to protect her children. I feel my mom put Julie's well being before her own kids, and that infuriates me.

Mom used to make up every excuse in the book for her -- even going so far as to say that the "full moon" was responsible for Julie's rage. Even at 13 I knew this was bull crap. As a teen I was expected to be compassionate to this person who broke me down. I was expected to understand and forgive this woman who supposedly "loved" me, but was so honed in her ability to manipulate that she could crack me without even saying a word. I was AFRAID of her. I AM AFRAID of her -- even now when she's "friendly" I fear taking a wrong step. What will blow up then?!

Mom use to say "don't make me choose." In my opinion, children should ALWAYS come first. I cannot believe she said that to this day. We were only Julie's kids when she wanted us to be -- otherwise we were mom's kids. She didn't trust us in one bit, and if we messed up, we were penalized for weeks or months by silent rage and mistrust.

I've only recently been able to allow myself to feel this anger and express it through adult eyes and in my own hurt way. But I am conflicted.

I am mad at them both -- almost equally -- but part of me is still under her control. I still "feel bad" for expressing anger at them. I still question if I should just be grateful for what they've given me, and take the abuse laying down, setting it the past forever.

My mom still manipulates me -- using her help in the past as leverage for me doing things for her now. It takes every ounce of courage I have to say no to my mom. That wasn't a word we were supposed to use. It might piss someone off. So when I do say now, I apologize profusely.

I just want to shove in her face that she OWES me for marrying a sick man like my dad. For being an alcoholic and losing my sister and me to the state. For using us kids as PAWNS against my grandparents because hated them. For taking us when she WASN'T READY to be a mom just to give my grandparents the finger, pretty much. For even hating the ones that gave up their golden years for HER kids.

Of course she doesn't owe me though. But I just feel that way.

So I'm faced now with a dilemma: confront them or let it be. I feel like being away from them lately, just living my life. But I still feel I have duties to them, if even just staying in touch. I'm just having a hard time lately even thinking about them without feeling anger.

I'm just getting through some of my anger about my dad (my abuser). I don't want to start down the anger road again with my mom and Julie. I don't know what to do. It feels good not being angry at something, but these emotions OF anger are real too. Somehow I need to go through it without living IN it...but how?

I don't know.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#204387 - 02/09/08 04:21 PM Re: My Moms.... [Re: AndyJB2005]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Big fat goose egg....oh well...

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#204388 - 02/09/08 04:25 PM Re: My Moms.... [Re: AndyJB2005]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Been thinking about this one. This is tough Andy. You don't want to completely cut them off but it is a raw nerve.


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#204391 - 02/09/08 04:38 PM Re: My Moms.... [Re: AndyJB2005]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Andy,

I did not see this until just now. Been sleeping for the past half-day.

My primary reaction to this is "holy shit....doesn't this guy ever catch a break?" It truly a wonder you are doing as well as you are dude. Seriously!

I'm wondering what/who was your inspiration for your drive to being a good person...cuz you got plenty of excuses to do otherwise.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#204453 - 02/09/08 09:59 PM Re: My Moms.... [Re: Still]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Andy,

For what it's worth, I think you should confront them. But I think you should only do that when you are ready for anything. You have to remember that you can guess how they will react, but you don't know. They may be totally supportive, or they may try to totally turn things around on you and may try to make your little boy inside feel responsible. You have to decide when you are ready, and how much you want to say. It's possible you will be closer to them after you confront them, or it's possible that you won't want or need to be around them anymore.

If you've never talked to your sister about this, maybe you should think about doing that first. At least you'll know if her feelings are similar to yours, and if they are not, you can maybe find out why. That can help you think through things without being in the middle of a confrontation.

Keith


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#204481 - 02/10/08 01:08 AM Re: My Moms.... [Re: KeithR]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Andy,

I don't really know what to advise. Maybe just reflect on my experience and draw parallels. I did a lot on confronting in my 20's. It was terrifying, but somewhat freeing in the end. Though my mother just got more and more mean and I felt more and more wounded a lot. I didn't talk to her for a couple years at one point long ago. That wasn't worth it in hindsight. They blamed me constantly. "You'll regret this someday." And worse. Nothing got resolved or discussed. I never felt heard. I don't fear them much anymore, which is very freeing. I wonder if you could find something like that somehow. It's been so hard to let go of my hopes for that relationship, but so good when I have.

Mostly, I just don't feel much of anything about them. I realized today, they were kind of like roommates growing up. We never talked about anything personal. We just kept it cordial. After I left home, there was much less to say. They really don't care about me, mostly because they don't know how.

I think for me, it wasn't really confronting my parents that helped. Except collecting at great expense a large loan I stupidly made to my Dad (learning to have boundaries), a bitter drawn out fight. But giving up on my hopes with them, breaking that control you speak of. That tends to come up again and again with other people in your life and you don't want that. Saying "No" sounds like a very good thing to do.

Rather, learning to have boundaries with them. Say no. This allowed me to feel safer around people and begin slowly to form relationships that in time are erasing the harm they did.

So this seems very rambling. But my advice would be (since you asked I think), definitely work on the saying No a lot. As for confronting, be careful to be ready for whatever might result, and be realistic about any discussion, resolution and making up that you might terribly want and need, but that may just never be possible. Fundamentally in healing from victimization, I think it's key to regain your sense of safety and empowerment.

Like Robbie said, it just sucks so bad to hear about this. Who's on your side?

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#204535 - 02/10/08 10:49 AM Re: My Moms.... [Re: AndyJB2005]
Poet24 Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 36
Andy,

This is a tough one, but I think forst you need to accept the bad things they did and said to you was not, and is not your fault, and not the truth. I think everyone hurts those they care about, whether conciously or not, I think it may be a twisted defense mechanism that they have developed. This may not be popular, so I spologize, but I think forgiveness is key, starting with yourself. Now, forgiveness doesn't mean condoning or accepting what they said and did, but without forgiveness I believe you will be kind of stuck in the mud. Ad when you are grounded, and feel you can remain so, maybe tell them, calmly, how you feel, and since they love you bad things should not happen, and if it does, then maybe you need to pull away for awhile, until you are truly eady to handle it.

I hope this was helpful, and if it wasn't, I apologize, but just a thought, that is what I had to do with my mo, who was kind of emotionally abusive. Good luck Andy, and I am hoping for good things for you.

Peace to all,
Poet24

_________________________
THe spirit is a fragile thing, easy to break, but not impossible to fix.

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#207361 - 02/25/08 05:06 PM Re: My Moms.... [Re: Poet24]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi Andy,

Not much to add. Confrontation seems the only way, and it can only be painful, even if it eventually is healing. After making a break from my own mom, I had to make another break from my abusive substitute mom. I could only do that as an adult. One was an angry conversation, the other running away. Don't know if any of that helps. You can't just keep denying what you feel, though.

Ed


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