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#204362 - 02/09/08 02:08 PM "People Pleasers"
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
In my time here at MS I've come to know of two different types of survivors that will emerge from the aftermath of their abuse.

One of these types are the "People Pleaser". These types are the ones that tend to strive for approval in others. These are the ones that tend to make it in school and career and more all around fulfilling lives.

I was not one of these people.

Instead of getting good grades and becoming a standard progress-through-life-normally-type-person, who sought out the approval of parents and mentors, I stopped giving a shit about anything. I didn't give a shit about my grades. I didn't give a shit what my parents or family thought of me. I didn't give a shit about my future. I stopped caring about anything. Now that I'm starting to care, I'm running into the most formidable walls.
Things that other people, and obviously other survivors as CSA as well, take for granted, like being able to actually sit down and do college homework without one's mind wondering around every other concept in the universe besides stupid shit like x2-29y+92z=103937 and being able to FOCUS and REMEMBER shit and actually not get D's on tests after studying for endless hours at a time etc. Now, when I try to do college work, I get so easily angered and frustrated. Why? Well, it's kind of hard to stay motivated to do this stupid college shit when you don't even have a passion for what it is you're learning. Apparently the desire to have a greater earning potential isn't enough for me. Maybe it's because I can't even envision an employer actually hiring me for some kind of position that affords one any certain amount of dignity.

Sooo.................. I think that this all has to do with the fact that, by raising these red flags and being ignored as a child, the sudden drop in grades, the delinquent behaviors, the violent and abusive acts towards the family pets, the obvious social withdrawal. All this combined into the circumstances that I find myself in now. And I can't get out. I've been told to get off my pity-pot and finish college. Well, guess what? It's not a pity-pot, it's a frustration pot, one that does not readily allow one to stand up, so to speak. Let's see, I try to sit down and do this stupid homework, get frustrated because I'm not understanding it, and end up throwing shit and breaking things in fits of anger. I've come to realize that simply making myself pay for tuition and going to classes isn't enough. Something is stopping me from learning this bullshit.

Whatever..........

I guess what my point to this is that, for whatever reason, I wasn't a "people-pleaser", and my lack of self-worth left me with nothing else to motivate myself to succeed.

So, what are my plans for the future? I'm going to have my family join me at my therapists office and we're gonna talk a little walk down memory lane. I don't know what else to do besides try to reinforce the fact that I don't entirely share this responsibility, they had their part in my circumstances to. If this doesn't offer some kind of break-through for me, then I'm out of ideas.


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#204376 - 02/09/08 03:27 PM Re: "People Pleasers" [Re: Hauser]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
This is happening to me as well. This combined with my social anxieties caused me to only get 1 years worth of credits in about 2 1/2 years. When I was given the option, go to school pass your classes or get a job, I chose get a job, that was about 7 years ago and I'm still stuck in the job I had when I was 16. I can't remember anything and I can't focus.

The only thing I can tell you to try is maybe get a book called "Not Trauma Alone: Therapy for Child Abuse Survivors in Family and Social Context" by Steven Gold. It talks about everyday skills survivors miss out on and how it effects them. I haven't read the book but Dr. Gold spoke at the MS conference in NYC and I liked what he had to say about this.

As soon as I get some spare money (it cost about $40) I will get the book.

Its available at amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1...8885383-9650409

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#204381 - 02/09/08 04:00 PM Re: "People Pleasers" [Re: onlyakid]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Wel you allready know-------------------Alan----------i failed 2nd grade 6 th grade----------------quit high school----------------------------got busted3 times--------------2 small offence the other one was serious--------------but i got aquitted-------------------ran artound with a hard core biker gang----------------------until the last bust-----------------------quit i dont know how many jobs--------------got fired from a few jobs---------------------------use to close the bars-----------------------cant count how many car wrecks i was in--------------------------moved all aeround the country-running---------------------i could go on---------------------------ALAN ---------------i hope the conferance with your family and t --------------goes ok for you-----------------Steve


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#204389 - 02/09/08 04:26 PM Re: "People Pleasers" [Re: sabata]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
How did you learn how to be a mechanic Steve? How did you develop the skill? How do you make a living at something that you know you could do ok at, if no one will hire you?


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#204393 - 02/09/08 04:53 PM Re: "People Pleasers" [Re: Hauser]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Originally Posted By: Hauser

So, what are my plans for the future? I'm going to have my family join me at my therapists office and we're gonna talk a little walk down memory lane. I don't know what else to do besides try to reinforce the fact that I don't entirely share this responsibility, they had their part in my circumstances to. If this doesn't offer some kind of break-through for me, then I'm out of ideas.


And when this is done, then what? If your parents and brother break down sobbing and crying, admitting their terrible guilt, what good will that give to you, and how will that change your present or future? If they refuse to take any responsibility for what happen to you and who you are today, how will that help you? I do not understand what you are seeking, and I just do not know that you will find it, whatever it is. We all have things we must deal with and heal from, and it is NOT FAIR that it is harder on us then who done these things to us. But ultimately, it IS on us to move ahead of it. I do not know that dragging your family back into the past is going to help YOU move ahead with your future. But you must do what you think will work.

andrei


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#204394 - 02/09/08 05:02 PM Re: "People Pleasers" [Re: ak]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
well-alan---i pretty much self tought myself-----------------------started at the bottom--------------crappy jobs-----------stayed with it--still crappy jobs----------its the only thing i know---------------------i really have no answer to your question-------------------How do you make a living at something that you know you could do ok at, if no one will hire you?
---------------------------i can tell you i recall the years of job jumping------------------and have the same feeling---------------------i guess i jost got luckey and some one put me on----------------for next to nothing-money-----------------so i could show them what i could do--------------------------its not a easey road------------------------i hope you find what you need-------------------------steve


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#204403 - 02/09/08 06:07 PM Re: "People Pleasers" [Re: sabata]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Not everyone can have a dream job...or else no one would scrub toilets or empty trash cans. LOL It's just our lot in life. *shrug*

I've worked a ton of retail stores and restaurants, and I'll tell ya, the pizza places -- or perhaps gas stations -- were some of the best jobs I've had -- except the low pay (which I still have now, even if I have a more responsible job). To me, jobs with a ton of responsibility are over rated. LOL. Seriously...

I'm in charge of LIVES at my work now. Wish i could just punch in and punch out, and have my biggest responsibility be that I don't burn the pizza. LOL

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#204407 - 02/09/08 06:40 PM Re: "People Pleasers" [Re: AndyJB2005]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
I agree with steve , because I also am a mechanic . The thing with auto repair . The guy that says he can fix any thing usualy doesnt know shit . I have all ways goten work as a mechanic by showing what I can do . rather than teling what I can do. If you love working on things you will find a way to get your hands dirty.

hillbilly logic

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#204413 - 02/09/08 07:22 PM Re: "People Pleasers" [Re: OKIE MIKE]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I'm not a mechanic but I work on my own car. I just get the book and have a go at it.
Even rebuilt a carburetor a couple times back in the days when card had those.
I can learn from books but its really hard, I have to get my hands on something to really learn.

sabata, I too been through a lot of what you have. Heck I flunked 1st grade, then dropped out in my 3rd week of 10th grade. Been busted 4 times one major serious. I still have a permanent record for that one. Worked in restaurants, warehouses, grocery stores. Quit jobs, lost jobs, been fired, traveled all over the USA. Surprised I'm still alive.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#204449 - 02/09/08 09:42 PM Re: "People Pleasers" [Re: GateKPR4]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Just to clarify things---------------i am not a auto mechanic------------------------allthough i can fix cars if i want---------------------my offical title is------------------motor coach tech--------------i work on million dollar luxury motor coaches----------------i do anything related to the coach------------------110-12 volt--------------plumbing--------------audio video--------------tile-solid surface-----wall paper---------------the list goes on------------------all self tought


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