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#204126 - 02/08/08 10:00 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Still]
TurningSunday Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 7
Loc: USA
Thanks guys! Sorry if I came off defensive at first. I tend to get very defensive and protective of my boyfriend. He's only told me and now a select few members of his family. It's a very "small town" word tends to travel quickly needless to say. He knows something must be done now. It's hard to express yourself with electronic communication, (no body language, facial gestures) therefore sometimes it sounds different than how we are truly feeling. I feel horrible that I might have offended someone with my post, truly I do. I know everyone here is in similar situations and have very strong feelings regarding the abuse. I never want to hurt, harm, make light of....whatever, of anyones feelings. I'll try and do better at not getting so defensive. I understand it's a tramatic thing and everyone does feel like they are in a panic. We are ALL in a panic, our friends here, my BF, his family that knows, everyone! I'm taking all this in and sharing it with him now.

Robbie, your suggestion makes since.


My BF had nightmares all night long. It was of the early abuse, where as he usually dreams of the later abuse. I'm sure it's the need to do something and it's triggering his thoughts of the early abuse.

Thank YOU all for your comments.

"The best way to help a person in grief, is to express those things in any way that you can."

#204127 - 02/08/08 10:10 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6538
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Just know that you've got endless support here. If your BF want to talk about it with someone, he can get a username and password and talk privately with a Moderator here via the Private Messaging system we have.

If he want's live, interactive support there are people in the chatroom that would be willing to talk.

Just let him know we are not judging him in any way. Some of us are just freaked beyond de>
Stop expecting people to be other than what they are! You'll be so much better-off. [Christopher, age 10]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

#204132 - 02/08/08 10:44 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Still]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Dear Turning,
I am so sorry for the way I sounded in my post. You completely freaked the hell out of me and I overreacted. I do understand you position it just that all I could see is those three kids and the horror I went through being inflicted on them. They are more precious than you can know to me now. I have three kids of my own. You have been given some much better responses from Ken and Robbie and others please take action as appropriate but please hurry.

#204155 - 02/08/08 01:03 PM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Still]
Minute2Minute Offline

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
My thoughts are with you and your BF. I can't imagine how difficult this is for all of you. All I can say is that for me, and likely most of the survivors here, the need to protect children, the need to do anything we can to prevent anyone from having to go through what we've went through ourselves, supersedes our fears of disclosure. Your BF has the love and support of you, his mother, and his sister. The people here support you and do not judge. I have not been in your situation, or been forced into a precarious position as your BF has, but I think to not do anything would be worse for your BF because the guilt of feeling like what happened to him could be happening to someone else when he had a chance to stop it would be something he may never be able to deal with.

Something Robbie suggested about making a written accusation describing the abuses made me think of an alternative: why not get your BF to write that out and put it in a letter to his uncle stating that if he doesn't stop the custody proceedings, he will take that letter to the authorities and begin the legal proceedings against him. Unfortunately, this can't be an empty threat and your BF would have to be willing to actually go to the authorities with this, but there is a chance that his uncle will see your BF not as the boy he abused, but as a man who is not keeping HIS secret anymore. As for who the "authorities" are that you would need to see, I have no clue, but I believe that someone here will definitely be able to help.
Again, I just want to say that nobody here will judge you. We're just scared because we know what abuse has done to us and we don't want to see anyone else have to suffer as we have if it can stopped.

My thoughts are with you and yours,

#204178 - 02/08/08 02:55 PM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
TurningSunday Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 7
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: TurningSunday

1) Come forward (when he's not really ready) or 2) remain quite, but feel guilty because it might be happening to innocent children, had he come forward he might have prevented it.

Not the best choice of wording on my part! After re-reading this, I can certainly understand where it might have gotten mis-construde. He wants to do something, just not sure how to go about it, in order to protect himself from more pain, but save these poor innocent babies...

Sorry Guys!

"The best way to help a person in grief, is to express those things in any way that you can."

#204197 - 02/08/08 06:39 PM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
mike5 Offline

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 170
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Originally Posted By: TurningSunday

I so agree - and I also know how hard it is. I'm preparing to disclose my abuse publicly for the first time and I'm scared. But I feel I need to try to find the person who abused me as there is good evidence that he was the sort of person who might still be hurting others. I don't want to look back someday and think that I should have done something.

So I support you and your bf in doing this. It is important I and know it is hard. You are not alone.


#204205 - 02/08/08 07:34 PM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: mike5]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I hope you are talking privately to Ken Singer by now; he will be the best person here to advise you on what your bf's options are in this terrible case.

The general rule of thumb is that a survivor has to think of his own recovery first, but when you see other boys so obviously at risk that also vividly illustrates the other side of the coin - little can be done against a perp until victims begin to speak up.

Speaking just as an individual here (and not as a moderator), I would agree with the sentiments already expressed by others. If your bf cannot come forward it would be entirely understandable; but whatever distress he suffers now will probably pale into insignificance compared to the guilt he would feel later on down the road, looking back and seeing that he could have saved two little boys but was not able to do so.

Just my thought on a very rough situation.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#204263 - 02/09/08 01:50 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Hey c'mon guys, calm down willya? I think Roger's scream started an avalanche. TSunday is not asking 'whether' they should intervene, but how and when.

Originally Posted By: TurningSunday

He gives a "shit" that's why he is asking for advice on what to do and how to go about it!

There's already been a few really good suggestions;

1) Write it all down
2) Send it to Uncle
3) Give it to the Authorities

TS, your BF is gonna stress out about his, especially as he starts writing it down, which I obviously must do. You can help him while he does it, we here at MS can help him, he NEEDS a therapist (specializing in male CSA)to help him; but it has to be done soon! The teenager living with Uncle is most at risk, but his risk today is not anymore than it has been for each of the last 1000 days, at least? Unless you know of emminent threats to his safety, he might not have to be 'saved' tonight, or even tomorrow night. It would be great, however, if you BF could get something started before that boy is raped again.

I'd suggest sending the letter to the Uncle, at least. Maybe it will give him pause long enough for you BF to steele himself for the greater task of throwing the book at his Uncle and rescuing those three poor kids.

But tell you BF from me, please, that he only has a week, maybe two, to spend. I'm sorry this has come down upon him (and you) but now that it has he MUST act.

Condolences, best wishes and strength to you both,


"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

#204275 - 02/09/08 08:08 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Lazarus]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

It's all good. Everyone had climbed down off the ceiling hours before your post.

ROCK ON.......Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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