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#204088 - 02/08/08 01:44 AM Should BF tell someone to protect another
TurningSunday Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 7
Loc: USA
Hello Everyone,

My BF and I would be interested in any help, information you can share.

Again, without going into all the details about my BF CSA, we'd like to know if anyone has any thoughts or advise to share regarding the following....

My BF called me tonight because his perp. (whom is his uncle) is trying to seek custody of his two grandchildren, who happen to be males. Actually, I think it's his great grandchildren that he's seeking custody. Anyways, he already has custody of his grandson, whom my BF suspects the same sort of abuse is happening to him. My BF feels very bad, guilty, worried and every other emotion about this, however is not sure what to do. He wants to confront his uncle, but has just recently started to even deal with the past abuse, after 20 years. This uncle also has a "male friend" whom he introduced to my BF, back when he was being abused. This friend is still actively at the uncle's home. My BF feels that most likely his uncle is still abusing boys, including his grandson. Needless to say, he is feeling stressed over what to do. 1) Come forward (when he's not really ready) or 2) remain quite, but feel guilty because it might be happening to innocent children, had he come forward he might have prevented it.

These children whom he's seeking custody are just babies. His grandson in which he currently has custody is 15/16. My BF wants to confront him, but is not ready. He still feels guilt and shame, because he eventually became "willing" in his uncles male sexual parties. Just this past summer my BF told his mother and sister about his CSA. They were very supporting and never doubted him. His sister made a anoyomous call to Children Svs., but they told her that they couldn't do anything unless, my BF came forward and pressed charges. As you have guessed, he's really not ready to do this. He fears his uncle will deny the abuse, or say that my BF liked it, because it went on for so long and like I said earlier, my BF eventually came to enjoy it and participated willingly.

His dilemma.......he does not know what to do. Should he confront his uncle now in order to save two innocent children, before it happens to them, even though he's not sure he's ready?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
K

_________________________
"The best way to help a person in grief, is to express those things in any way that you can."

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#204089 - 02/08/08 01:50 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Go to the police. the child welfare or what ever autority can stop this. Your first and only priority is to protect those boys.
Your boy friend is having problems with dealing with HIS CSA? How is going to deal with the knowlege these boys will be here in a few years bitter, rageful and hurting and wondering why no one came to THEIR rescue? Please for their sake give a shit and spare them this for God' sake.

Now I will go pray for them and weep for them.



Edited by Freedom49 (02/08/08 01:51 AM)

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#204093 - 02/08/08 02:30 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Freedom49]
TurningSunday Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 7
Loc: USA
Freedom,

He gives a "shit" that's why he is asking for advice on what to do and how to go about it! He is asking for help and advice not ridicule and to be belittled. (nor was I for that matter) He didn't ask for the abuse and he WANTS to protect these children from the abuse. HE WANTS TO HELP THEM!

Notice that I said that they have already called children services?

If my original post in someway indicated that he doesn't want to help, then perhaps I've worded it wrong. He is just not sure how to go about it!!!!

AND yes, my BF is having problems dealing with his CSA! Does everyone turn their perp in, after holding it in for 20 plus years? IDK, but I'm sure not everyone is privy to the knowledge of what their perp is doing at the present time, like my BF is because of it being his uncle. Some suriviors get to confront the perp on their own terms when they are ready. He is being forced to do it, when he has just now opened up about the abuse after keeping it a secret for 20+ years. Again, he wants to protect these childen!!

_________________________
"The best way to help a person in grief, is to express those things in any way that you can."

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#204095 - 02/08/08 05:44 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
When I was 10 I was being abused by my father, at that time my brother was 20 & my sister 22. Both of them were abused by my father also.
They both moved out of home as soon as they could to get away from him - my question to them has always been the same "Why didn't you help me". They had to know what was going on.
All they had to do was come to me and say "if this is happening to you, come stay with us".
They never did and I have been angry with them ever since, my brother has been dead 20 years and I am still angry at him !!!

Maybe you and your boyfriend aren't ready to offer that kind of help to this kid, but could you ask him if he is safe, or get someone else (family ?) to ask ?

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#204103 - 02/08/08 07:08 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: arronb]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Turning Sunday,

I agree with Roger. Go to an authority that can STOP this! They are children....your BF is an adult!

I have lived with my BF's CSA for about 6 months now and when I see day in and day out what his brother's abusing him 50 years ago has done and is still doing to his life today....there is no doubt in my mind that this needs to be stopped. I wonder if anyone even asked this 15/16 year old who is now living with him and you suspect he too is being abused if he would even admit it. It seems the denial and the need to keep CSA a SECRET is SO strong....and that is what these perpetrators are counting on!

I have a 5 1/2 year old granddaugter and I can tell you that I will do anything....and I mean anything....to make sure that she remains the innocent sweet child that she is....it is our responsibility as adults to do this!

I pray that your BF finds the strength to go to the authorities.

Lou


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#204104 - 02/08/08 07:39 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Lou]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Turning Sunday,

Your b/f is in the most horrible situation I can imagine but also one that I believe others here have been in. They have found themselves compelled to disclose because of the very situation your b/f finds himself - to protect another child.

Ken Singer is a therapist and moderator who is very active on these boards and he may have some insight for you as to how to go about this. Brian, our Moderator Emeritus of
MaleSurvivor was a police officer for many years; he too may be able to give you and your b/f some advice as to how to handle things as best you can. I would strongly suggest you pm them both.

I do believe that if your b/f think these 3 children are in imminent danger something must be done but at the same time, your b/f must protect himself. He is in a very precarious position right now in his own healing process. It's a horrible situation to find yourselves in. If your b/f doesn't have a T, now is certainly the time for him to see someone who can help him protect the children he suspects are in danger while minimizing the trauma to himself.

Below is a link to Ken's article on disclosure. While this article deals with a voluntary disclosure, some of what you find there may be of help. I hope some of the other men who have struggled with this will respond to you and provide some help. Please keep us posted.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#204115 - 02/08/08 09:04 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Trish4850]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5779
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Turning:
Can you let us know who contacted children's services and what was the result? Please understand that we're all in your corner here and the strong feelings expressed are coming about from survivors and their partners who very much want to prevent any child from being abused.

No on is being judgmental here. I think we're all on the same page of doing what we can to support you and your bf to protect potential victims and get help for him.

Ken


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#204118 - 02/08/08 09:20 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
TurningSunday,

Clearly Childrens Svcs wants named, primary accusation. Annonamous calls aint gonna save anyone as you found out.

As Ken said, no one is being judgemental here....what you are seeing more is possible panic. I know I am panicing over this right now.

If your BF cannot verbalize the abuse story and accusation, he ought to try to write it out and bring it to the police and sign it in their presence. In nearly every state, a civilians signed accusation such as that provides probable cause for the police and or DA to act and act quickly.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#204119 - 02/08/08 09:26 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Still]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
I right up there with Robbie on this, I'm close to panic and full of so much anxiety right now, even close to tears. Please do whatever you can to protect these children. If it was me in this situation, I think I'd be looking to take anyone/everyone I had told my story to along with me for support.

I can't begin to imagine the struggle he's having, the very thought of making anything I've dealt with public scares me to death. I've only told 5 people about it (not counting things I've posted here) and they were the people I trust the most in life at this point. I know for me though, that if putting my whole story out in the public eye would save some children from being hurt, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd be scared to death, but I'd do it!


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#204121 - 02/08/08 09:34 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: TurningSunday
Should he confront his uncle now in order to save two innocent children, before it happens to them, even though he's not sure he's ready?



BTW...SKIP this step. It would be exactly like the hens confronting the fox. It would do nothing for anyone.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#204126 - 02/08/08 10:00 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Still]
TurningSunday Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 7
Loc: USA
Thanks guys! Sorry if I came off defensive at first. I tend to get very defensive and protective of my boyfriend. He's only told me and now a select few members of his family. It's a very "small town" word tends to travel quickly needless to say. He knows something must be done now. It's hard to express yourself with electronic communication, (no body language, facial gestures) therefore sometimes it sounds different than how we are truly feeling. I feel horrible that I might have offended someone with my post, truly I do. I know everyone here is in similar situations and have very strong feelings regarding the abuse. I never want to hurt, harm, make light of....whatever, of anyones feelings. I'll try and do better at not getting so defensive. I understand it's a tramatic thing and everyone does feel like they are in a panic. We are ALL in a panic, our friends here, my BF, his family that knows, everyone! I'm taking all this in and sharing it with him now.

Robbie, your suggestion makes since.

SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!

My BF had nightmares all night long. It was of the early abuse, where as he usually dreams of the later abuse. I'm sure it's the need to do something and it's triggering his thoughts of the early abuse.

Thank YOU all for your comments.

_________________________
"The best way to help a person in grief, is to express those things in any way that you can."

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#204127 - 02/08/08 10:10 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Just know that you've got endless support here. If your BF want to talk about it with someone, he can get a username and password and talk privately with a Moderator here via the Private Messaging system we have.

If he want's live, interactive support there are people in the chatroom that would be willing to talk.

Just let him know we are not judging him in any way. Some of us are just freaked beyond de>
_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#204132 - 02/08/08 10:44 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Still]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Dear Turning,
I am so sorry for the way I sounded in my post. You completely freaked the hell out of me and I overreacted. I do understand you position it just that all I could see is those three kids and the horror I went through being inflicted on them. They are more precious than you can know to me now. I have three kids of my own. You have been given some much better responses from Ken and Robbie and others please take action as appropriate but please hurry.


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#204155 - 02/08/08 01:03 PM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Still]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
TurningSunday,
My thoughts are with you and your BF. I can't imagine how difficult this is for all of you. All I can say is that for me, and likely most of the survivors here, the need to protect children, the need to do anything we can to prevent anyone from having to go through what we've went through ourselves, supersedes our fears of disclosure. Your BF has the love and support of you, his mother, and his sister. The people here support you and do not judge. I have not been in your situation, or been forced into a precarious position as your BF has, but I think to not do anything would be worse for your BF because the guilt of feeling like what happened to him could be happening to someone else when he had a chance to stop it would be something he may never be able to deal with.

Something Robbie suggested about making a written accusation describing the abuses made me think of an alternative: why not get your BF to write that out and put it in a letter to his uncle stating that if he doesn't stop the custody proceedings, he will take that letter to the authorities and begin the legal proceedings against him. Unfortunately, this can't be an empty threat and your BF would have to be willing to actually go to the authorities with this, but there is a chance that his uncle will see your BF not as the boy he abused, but as a man who is not keeping HIS secret anymore. As for who the "authorities" are that you would need to see, I have no clue, but I believe that someone here will definitely be able to help.
Again, I just want to say that nobody here will judge you. We're just scared because we know what abuse has done to us and we don't want to see anyone else have to suffer as we have if it can stopped.

My thoughts are with you and yours,
SCOTT


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#204178 - 02/08/08 02:55 PM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
TurningSunday Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 7
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: TurningSunday

1) Come forward (when he's not really ready) or 2) remain quite, but feel guilty because it might be happening to innocent children, had he come forward he might have prevented it.


Not the best choice of wording on my part! After re-reading this, I can certainly understand where it might have gotten mis-construde. He wants to do something, just not sure how to go about it, in order to protect himself from more pain, but save these poor innocent babies...

Sorry Guys!

_________________________
"The best way to help a person in grief, is to express those things in any way that you can."

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#204197 - 02/08/08 06:39 PM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
mike5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 170
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Originally Posted By: TurningSunday
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!


I so agree - and I also know how hard it is. I'm preparing to disclose my abuse publicly for the first time and I'm scared. But I feel I need to try to find the person who abused me as there is good evidence that he was the sort of person who might still be hurting others. I don't want to look back someday and think that I should have done something.

So I support you and your bf in doing this. It is important I and know it is hard. You are not alone.

Mike


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#204205 - 02/08/08 07:34 PM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: mike5]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
TurningSunday,

I hope you are talking privately to Ken Singer by now; he will be the best person here to advise you on what your bf's options are in this terrible case.

The general rule of thumb is that a survivor has to think of his own recovery first, but when you see other boys so obviously at risk that also vividly illustrates the other side of the coin - little can be done against a perp until victims begin to speak up.

Speaking just as an individual here (and not as a moderator), I would agree with the sentiments already expressed by others. If your bf cannot come forward it would be entirely understandable; but whatever distress he suffers now will probably pale into insignificance compared to the guilt he would feel later on down the road, looking back and seeing that he could have saved two little boys but was not able to do so.

Just my thought on a very rough situation.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#204263 - 02/09/08 01:50 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Hey c'mon guys, calm down willya? I think Roger's scream started an avalanche. TSunday is not asking 'whether' they should intervene, but how and when.

Originally Posted By: TurningSunday
Freedom,

He gives a "shit" that's why he is asking for advice on what to do and how to go about it!


There's already been a few really good suggestions;

1) Write it all down
2) Send it to Uncle
3) Give it to the Authorities

TS, your BF is gonna stress out about his, especially as he starts writing it down, which I obviously must do. You can help him while he does it, we here at MS can help him, he NEEDS a therapist (specializing in male CSA)to help him; but it has to be done soon! The teenager living with Uncle is most at risk, but his risk today is not anymore than it has been for each of the last 1000 days, at least? Unless you know of emminent threats to his safety, he might not have to be 'saved' tonight, or even tomorrow night. It would be great, however, if you BF could get something started before that boy is raped again.

I'd suggest sending the letter to the Uncle, at least. Maybe it will give him pause long enough for you BF to steele himself for the greater task of throwing the book at his Uncle and rescuing those three poor kids.

But tell you BF from me, please, that he only has a week, maybe two, to spend. I'm sorry this has come down upon him (and you) but now that it has he MUST act.

Condolences, best wishes and strength to you both,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#204275 - 02/09/08 08:08 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Lazarus]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Lazarus,

It's all good. Everyone had climbed down off the ceiling hours before your post.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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