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#204088 - 02/08/08 01:44 AM Should BF tell someone to protect another
TurningSunday Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 7
Loc: USA
Hello Everyone,

My BF and I would be interested in any help, information you can share.

Again, without going into all the details about my BF CSA, we'd like to know if anyone has any thoughts or advise to share regarding the following....

My BF called me tonight because his perp. (whom is his uncle) is trying to seek custody of his two grandchildren, who happen to be males. Actually, I think it's his great grandchildren that he's seeking custody. Anyways, he already has custody of his grandson, whom my BF suspects the same sort of abuse is happening to him. My BF feels very bad, guilty, worried and every other emotion about this, however is not sure what to do. He wants to confront his uncle, but has just recently started to even deal with the past abuse, after 20 years. This uncle also has a "male friend" whom he introduced to my BF, back when he was being abused. This friend is still actively at the uncle's home. My BF feels that most likely his uncle is still abusing boys, including his grandson. Needless to say, he is feeling stressed over what to do. 1) Come forward (when he's not really ready) or 2) remain quite, but feel guilty because it might be happening to innocent children, had he come forward he might have prevented it.

These children whom he's seeking custody are just babies. His grandson in which he currently has custody is 15/16. My BF wants to confront him, but is not ready. He still feels guilt and shame, because he eventually became "willing" in his uncles male sexual parties. Just this past summer my BF told his mother and sister about his CSA. They were very supporting and never doubted him. His sister made a anoyomous call to Children Svs., but they told her that they couldn't do anything unless, my BF came forward and pressed charges. As you have guessed, he's really not ready to do this. He fears his uncle will deny the abuse, or say that my BF liked it, because it went on for so long and like I said earlier, my BF eventually came to enjoy it and participated willingly.

His dilemma.......he does not know what to do. Should he confront his uncle now in order to save two innocent children, before it happens to them, even though he's not sure he's ready?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
K

_________________________
"The best way to help a person in grief, is to express those things in any way that you can."

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#204089 - 02/08/08 01:50 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Go to the police. the child welfare or what ever autority can stop this. Your first and only priority is to protect those boys.
Your boy friend is having problems with dealing with HIS CSA? How is going to deal with the knowlege these boys will be here in a few years bitter, rageful and hurting and wondering why no one came to THEIR rescue? Please for their sake give a shit and spare them this for God' sake.

Now I will go pray for them and weep for them.



Edited by Freedom49 (02/08/08 01:51 AM)

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#204093 - 02/08/08 02:30 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Freedom49]
TurningSunday Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/31/08
Posts: 7
Loc: USA
Freedom,

He gives a "shit" that's why he is asking for advice on what to do and how to go about it! He is asking for help and advice not ridicule and to be belittled. (nor was I for that matter) He didn't ask for the abuse and he WANTS to protect these children from the abuse. HE WANTS TO HELP THEM!

Notice that I said that they have already called children services?

If my original post in someway indicated that he doesn't want to help, then perhaps I've worded it wrong. He is just not sure how to go about it!!!!

AND yes, my BF is having problems dealing with his CSA! Does everyone turn their perp in, after holding it in for 20 plus years? IDK, but I'm sure not everyone is privy to the knowledge of what their perp is doing at the present time, like my BF is because of it being his uncle. Some suriviors get to confront the perp on their own terms when they are ready. He is being forced to do it, when he has just now opened up about the abuse after keeping it a secret for 20+ years. Again, he wants to protect these childen!!

_________________________
"The best way to help a person in grief, is to express those things in any way that you can."

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#204095 - 02/08/08 05:44 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
When I was 10 I was being abused by my father, at that time my brother was 20 & my sister 22. Both of them were abused by my father also.
They both moved out of home as soon as they could to get away from him - my question to them has always been the same "Why didn't you help me". They had to know what was going on.
All they had to do was come to me and say "if this is happening to you, come stay with us".
They never did and I have been angry with them ever since, my brother has been dead 20 years and I am still angry at him !!!

Maybe you and your boyfriend aren't ready to offer that kind of help to this kid, but could you ask him if he is safe, or get someone else (family ?) to ask ?

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#204103 - 02/08/08 07:08 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: arronb]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Turning Sunday,

I agree with Roger. Go to an authority that can STOP this! They are children....your BF is an adult!

I have lived with my BF's CSA for about 6 months now and when I see day in and day out what his brother's abusing him 50 years ago has done and is still doing to his life today....there is no doubt in my mind that this needs to be stopped. I wonder if anyone even asked this 15/16 year old who is now living with him and you suspect he too is being abused if he would even admit it. It seems the denial and the need to keep CSA a SECRET is SO strong....and that is what these perpetrators are counting on!

I have a 5 1/2 year old granddaugter and I can tell you that I will do anything....and I mean anything....to make sure that she remains the innocent sweet child that she is....it is our responsibility as adults to do this!

I pray that your BF finds the strength to go to the authorities.

Lou


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#204104 - 02/08/08 07:39 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Lou]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Turning Sunday,

Your b/f is in the most horrible situation I can imagine but also one that I believe others here have been in. They have found themselves compelled to disclose because of the very situation your b/f finds himself - to protect another child.

Ken Singer is a therapist and moderator who is very active on these boards and he may have some insight for you as to how to go about this. Brian, our Moderator Emeritus of
MaleSurvivor was a police officer for many years; he too may be able to give you and your b/f some advice as to how to handle things as best you can. I would strongly suggest you pm them both.

I do believe that if your b/f think these 3 children are in imminent danger something must be done but at the same time, your b/f must protect himself. He is in a very precarious position right now in his own healing process. It's a horrible situation to find yourselves in. If your b/f doesn't have a T, now is certainly the time for him to see someone who can help him protect the children he suspects are in danger while minimizing the trauma to himself.

Below is a link to Ken's article on disclosure. While this article deals with a voluntary disclosure, some of what you find there may be of help. I hope some of the other men who have struggled with this will respond to you and provide some help. Please keep us posted.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#204115 - 02/08/08 09:04 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Trish4850]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Turning:
Can you let us know who contacted children's services and what was the result? Please understand that we're all in your corner here and the strong feelings expressed are coming about from survivors and their partners who very much want to prevent any child from being abused.

No on is being judgmental here. I think we're all on the same page of doing what we can to support you and your bf to protect potential victims and get help for him.

Ken


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#204118 - 02/08/08 09:20 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6453
Loc: Right Behind You!
TurningSunday,

Clearly Childrens Svcs wants named, primary accusation. Annonamous calls aint gonna save anyone as you found out.

As Ken said, no one is being judgemental here....what you are seeing more is possible panic. I know I am panicing over this right now.

If your BF cannot verbalize the abuse story and accusation, he ought to try to write it out and bring it to the police and sign it in their presence. In nearly every state, a civilians signed accusation such as that provides probable cause for the police and or DA to act and act quickly.

_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#204119 - 02/08/08 09:26 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: Still]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
I right up there with Robbie on this, I'm close to panic and full of so much anxiety right now, even close to tears. Please do whatever you can to protect these children. If it was me in this situation, I think I'd be looking to take anyone/everyone I had told my story to along with me for support.

I can't begin to imagine the struggle he's having, the very thought of making anything I've dealt with public scares me to death. I've only told 5 people about it (not counting things I've posted here) and they were the people I trust the most in life at this point. I know for me though, that if putting my whole story out in the public eye would save some children from being hurt, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd be scared to death, but I'd do it!


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#204121 - 02/08/08 09:34 AM Re: Should BF tell someone to protect another [Re: TurningSunday]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6453
Loc: Right Behind You!
Originally Posted By: TurningSunday
Should he confront his uncle now in order to save two innocent children, before it happens to them, even though he's not sure he's ready?



BTW...SKIP this step. It would be exactly like the hens confronting the fox. It would do nothing for anyone.

_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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