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#203919 - 02/06/08 09:01 PM The Rape Walk
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
I'm in a relationship with a man, my first relationship ever. I've written about him on this site, and many of you questioned my judgement based on his behavior, his mental issues, and his past of drug use. Well, some of your comments were on target, and I keep them in mind. Still, this feels like love, and losing him would be extremely painful.

But sometimes I do feel like leaving him, and it has little to do with his personality. It's sex. The more I have sex with a man, the less I want it. At times, I can't even see why I call myself gay. My body is aroused by men, but my mind vacates. The first time we had anal sex together, I cried in the shower: for a few seconds, only. I try to never cry. And, it hasn't become more enjoyable.

A couple of days ago, after anal sex, I walked in a way which brought me back to my childhood, the schoolyard. I was being sexually abused by my gym teacher. I have no memory of what happened before, but I remember that walk.

Part of me wants to scream all the time, like I'm in hell again. I'm desperate to escape. Part of me truly loves him. I feel a longing in my stomach, and I can't bear being without him. I often play tricks so that he'll leave me alone at night: pretending to be asleep, giving him a handjob so that he won't feel like having sex. I had a nightmare recently that I was a child, a street urchin, with two other Dickensian urchins. We were sneaky and calculating, and to avoid our adult ringleader raping us, we got him drunk.

I imagine myself with a woman. It wouldn't remind me so often of the sexual abuse. I know that I would never leave him for another man. But secretly, I suspect I would leave him if I fell in love with a girl. Is that reason enough to break up now? I don't think so, but I'm not sure. Sex, to me, is like a sacrifice I'm making to be with him. If he knew that, I doubt he would even want me.


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#203924 - 02/06/08 09:23 PM Re: The Rape Walk [Re: Bewlayb1]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Bew,

I'm sad that you find yourself in this position. It doesn't sound like a mutually rewarding relationship.

The first question that pops up in my head is this; are you ever the top? Or do you bottom for him all the time?

I know, some guys like being the bottom all the time. But lots of guys like being tops once in awhile too. And you know what, it adds a little bit of equality to a gay relationship.

I'm not going to comment on str8 relationships because it's totally different; a woman can't be a 'top'. That's part of the psychosis that all women share. But in a gay relationship, both partners can be the top, and if you feel like the only reason your partner wants to be with you is so he can fuck you, try turning the tables on him. Next time, tell him you'll let him fuck you IF he'll let you fuck him first. Turnabout is fair play, after all. It's more than a feeling; it's a little bit about power and equality.

You say you might leave him for a woman. I can empathize with the feeling. But I have to ask, is that feeling based on how you connect with your lover emotionally, or what turns you on sexually? I think the answer to that quesion might shed some light on your current dilemma.

I wish you the best, Bewlayb, and I hope you find what you are looking for. Actually, I hope you can figure out what it is that you are looking for, and then maybe you can find it.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#203945 - 02/06/08 10:59 PM Re: The Rape Walk [Re: Lazarus]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks for that reply, Lazarus

Don't take this the wrong way, but reading it, I was immediately hit with a feeling of disgust: Top, bottom, fucking, fucking me. It's not wrong. It's not evil. It just makes me very uneasy. I'm fifty pounds lighter than he is, eight years younger and half a foot shorter. He's the top, so far, though he keeps saying I can fuck him if I want to.

God, it's so hard to even write this: to discuss sex in a graphic way. I hate it. I don't want to fuck him. We were playing around once, with me being the top, and something snapped in my mind. There was a flash of panic. My heart stopped. I can't explain it. I felt sick and I feared I was going crazy.

I used to want to have sex with men. When I was a teenager, and almost mute, and virtually psychotic, I would fantasize about it often. And, strangely, I equated it with death, or peace, or not suffering anymore. When I have sex now, I find it so peculiar, remembering all that I thought it was, and knowing what it actually is. I don't need it. I honestly can't see why anyone would want it.

I know, I'm not being very coherent. I'm tired. Emotionally, I've cared about one woman, and I think about her still. I haven't seen her for awhile. If I did see her again, my boyfriend wouldn't stop me from longing for her.


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#203946 - 02/06/08 11:18 PM Re: The Rape Walk [Re: Bewlayb1]
bigjdaddymack Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 4
Bewlayb1,

I empathize with your pain. I'll keep my comments short and simple. If you are feeling the way you are about sex with a man, stop having sex with men. End your relationship with this man as a loving gesture toward you then seek professional counseling that delves deeper into what you have shared here. If you truly love this man, this gesture will serve him as well. I imagine it would hurt him to know you are in so much pain. Let him love you as you truly are: gay, straight, bisexual, whatever, even if it means he moves on. That is real love. Your heart and soul know you better than you may at this moment. They are sending you warnings that will help you heal. Heed their warnings.

With love.

Big J


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#203949 - 02/06/08 11:24 PM Re: The Rape Walk [Re: bigjdaddymack]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
I can understand that anal sex might connect you with the trauma of your past, but anal sex (while I enjoy it) is not the only way two men can be physically intimate.

Do you have the same feelings with oral sex or mutual masturbation, for example? If anal sex is so troubling for you, have you considered trying something else?

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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