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#204192 - 02/08/08 05:16 PM Re: new to group [Re: GateKPR4]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hmmm, poor communication eh? I had to laugh when I read that because it is so true.
When we attempt to talk about me, I have come to imagine myself sitting in front of an enormous medieval castle. It has a shark filled moat and many many layers of stone walls, each holding an almost infinite number of loaded cannons and archers, all pointed at me.
And then I'll hear my husband in full armor, yelling from the distance, "ok, we're ready, you can talk now!" Naturally, we have a very low success rate. And not just because of him, I am now walking into the situation expecting the worse, so without a doubt, I am adding to the problems.

Yeah, therapy is a good idea. In the last year and a half we have both been, separately and together. The therapist I found for me is amazing. I saw her for about 6 months to get me through the trauma of my husband leaving me. But had to stop because of finances.
After many months of spending about $400 a week on the three therapies,
we didn't seem to get anything but false hope from the joint therapy or my husbands individual therapy. We decided to buy lots of books instead. he didn't read them. Maybe its time to revisit the decision.

I didn't think you were implying 100 years, I know you were just attempting to put the situation in a realistic context. And i really appreciate you doing that. I am in such a panic I know I cant see the forest OR the trees right now. but I am feeling more sane because of all the wonderful responses I have received here. After alot of thinking and reading of other threads I decided to send my husband an e.mail
outlining my feelings. We now have an appointment together this weekend to make a plan of action. I have been here before and been disappointed, so, we'll see...

Congratulations, GateKPR4 on your work with your therapist. I know it took an enormous amount of courage, and you deserve every good thing that comes out of it. Thanks for your kind wishes.

LJA


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#204243 - 02/08/08 10:19 PM Re: new to group [Re: LJA]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Welcome LJA,
I've been with/without my SO for over 20 years. It has been frustrating and there have been many a strong start and few finishes. I consider our relationship to be "intimate" but it ceased being physical a long time ago as he has identified himself as straight, bi and gay. In actuality, he doesn't really have any relationships. (Encounters, maybe, but definitely not relationships) He's closer to me than probably anyone else.
I can relate to the way you're feeling though. We all can feel inside ourselves what we need that is most important to us. For us, it's always the communication. Words. He sucks at those. I call it "My magic act", I say "We have to talk" and he disappears. He has also fallen into making rude comments to keep me at a distance. Recently, I've realized that I really do need a break from this myself, because my basic needs aren't being met and what used to work just isn't enough anymore.
It doesn't mean I love him any less, but I can't spend the next 20 years of my life waving my arms and saying "Hey, what about me?" He loves me, I can feel it. But when I say "I love you", he usually responds with, "I know you do." He pulls away, and then comes back so we can "start over". The reality is, once you know about the csa, there is no starting over. Your only hope is to move forward, it doesn't even matter how slowly, as long as you keep moving. Standing still is never effective.
You have definitely come to the right place. In the long run, you have to take care of your own needs and move forward as a person despite his issues. I know this sounds lame, but you can't be supportive if you sacrifice the person you are. For me, I don't think this could've lasted this long if I put the responsibility for all my happiness on him. In the end, after years in and out, I've found that ultimatums don't work. He has to want things to change, he has to be afraid and do it anyway, and I have absolutely no control of whether he will or won't do that.
Take care of YOU first, and things will fall into place.

Always,
Liv


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#204276 - 02/09/08 08:29 AM Re: new to group [Re: Liv2124]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
HI LJA,
I am dealing with alot of the same issues that you are. My husband said he was abused about 2 and 1/2 years ago. He has yet to tell me his story....he just said something happened when he was 12. As soon as he said those words.....everything changed. We went from a perfect marriage to a platonic marriage. After about 1 1/2 years of extreme pain I finally convinced him to go to therapy. I did not give him an ultimatum I just said that maybe we should spend sometime apart to decide what we each wanted. After about 6 months of therapy there was some progress....it always seems like baby steps to me. Now after a year of therapy, I feel like we are kindof stuck.
Intimacy is still very very difficult. Sex is nonexistant for the last 3 years. My husband feels so much shame and guilt...he feels like he is ruining my life. I love him dearly....everything else is perfect in our relationship except this crap. He and I are going to the same therapist....seperately. I know many of you have warned against this but my husband doesn't seem to mind. And it was helping for a while. But again, I feel like we are kind of stuck right now and not moving forward.
I just want this pain to be over. It is so hard. To make matters worse...I am ready to start a family and I know that is putting a lot of pressure on my husband. He can't commit to having a family because he feels like a terrible husband and does not want to be a terrible father.
I know this is hard for him but I get frustrated with him because he has completely closed me out on this. I think go to therapy more......try antidepressents.....take a xanax and try to kiss me. Why can't we change this!!!!! Get better! I know he is trying but we are just really stuck and we don't know what to do. I love him dearly but we are both in so much pain right now and to think that we have been in pain for 3 years....I just wish there was a guarentee that it would get better. I don't know what to do anymore. He is going to therapy. He is trying but we seem stuck right now and not moving forward. Help!
WW


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#204404 - 02/09/08 06:16 PM Re: new to group [Re: weepywife]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
My husband was molested and is in denial. It causes our family such grief. He has anger and there is so many issues with sex. The man who did this is a friend of his family. He is around for everything. I am bitter and sad and hurt and I just want him to get help. We have done the theropy thing off and on for years and whenever the subject comes up he quits. I have 3 young boys and they hear daddy yell at mommy. I'm here asking for help and support. I've been told by my husband that if I truly loved him I would drop it.....should I pretend all is well and ignore the giant elephant in the room? Please any and all advice is more then welcomed.....

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#204459 - 02/09/08 10:14 PM Re: new to group [Re: dangal]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
Dangal,
You can't make him get help.
You can precipitate a crisis as my therapist says......not give him an ultimatum but start spending more time apart and see what happens. He might realize what he would miss without you arround and be motivated to try therapy again. However, he could see this as withdrawling from him and be hurt.....and it could make things worse.
Personally, I decided that my line in the sand was that my husband had to activally be trying to get better.....which he is. There is no guareentee that my husband will feel better or that we will live happily ever after. But at least he's trying.
The hard part is...that even after they start activally trying to get better....it is a long hard road. My husband has been going to therapy a year and is making very slow progress.
It is so hard for them to address this issue of CSA. Think of your biggest fear, your most embarasing moment, the moment you let down someone you loved, and multiply that by 10...I think that may be how they feel. Some men can't deal with....or may spend years running from it.
My therapist says that I am needed to keep things stirred up....even though I can't make my husband do anything. I seem to be the catalyst that makes him do things. It is so hard for survivors to deal with this stuff that they understandably don't want to. My husband seems to need a little nudge from time to time. HOwever, this is a very hard role for me to be in. I don't like pushing him because he gets angry at me when I do. It is a very fine balance and sometimes I don't get it right.
My husband still can't talk to me about any of this stuff. He gets very upset if I even ask him when his next therapy appt. is.
I am sorry that you have to be at this website but am glad that you found it. Hope this helps.
WW


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#204692 - 02/11/08 08:46 AM Re: new to group [Re: weepywife]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I agree with WW. My wife is definitely a "catalyst" for me. Her line in the sand was the same. I need to be doing something, as she couldn't take the constant depressions and Isolation. Yes, there are times I get angry with her. It hurts to deal with this stuff. There are times I feel that I wish I could just put it all back inside and try to forget about it, but I know that isn't possible. I can truly say that before I started remembering, things didn't hurt so bad, things weren't so tough. That's the hard part of it. As you bring up more, it hurts more. No one likes to be hurt. But my wife keeps me going. Keeps my head above water.

Most importantly for me, she encourages me and reminds me that it is going to get better. That I'm going to be alright. That I'm going to make it. When she looks into my eyes, holds me hand, and says something encouraging, it really feels good. Still though there are times I start to pull away and try to isolate myself. Old habits die hard. She doesn't let me get away though. But she doesn't get mean with me about it either. I don't know, she just seems to know that balance right now.


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#204758 - 02/11/08 06:53 PM Re: new to group [Re: JustScott]
LJA Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 35
Hi Liv, Dangal and Weepywife, Thanks for responding to my post. I haven't ever heard of anyone going through something like this before. I had heard of the survivor's perspective, but there seems to be practically nothing out there about us. I of course realized I wasn't alone, but found it overwhelming to read your posts.

There must really be something to this catalyst idea. Looking back, I realize that almost every movement forward in my husband's recovery has been prompted by me. Ironic since I have tried to resist pushing. In fact, the despair I was in last week which prompted me to join this site also prompted some changes in my husband and we are moving again! I am so relieved. My husband suggested that I take a more active role in monitoring progress, making sure he keeps moving. I'm not exactly sure yet how that's going to look, but it seems like a good idea for both of us.

Dangal, have you or your hubby done much reading about CSA? If talking to you or a therapist is not an option for him right now, maybe reading is? I realize he could easily say 'no' to this too, my husband has resisted reading many times, but when he does do it, it usually helps a lot. When he had his meltdown and left, I took all his CSA books over to him. The book he read in the very beginning was Allies in Healing (a book for partners of survivors), even though he had a copy of The Courage to Heal (the companion book for survivors). I think it was a really non-threatening way for him to read about CSA. Maybe if you got this book for yourself,
your hubby might read it too, and this might be a less aggressive route than getting a book for him.

Also, we have been reading a book lately which we are both finding very helpful. Its called "If the man you love was abused (a couple's guide to healing)" by Browne and Browne. We have only read about half of it so far but really like it. Many of the books we read provided the same type of information ie, what to expect for recovery, what is normal, what is CSA, etc. This book seems to go to the next level. Its more practical than a lot I've read and seems to be offering us more concrete information to work with.

Hey JustScott, I am so glad you have such a wonderful support while you are doing such difficult work. It really does take an immense amount of courage to move forward, doesn't it. Do you mind me asking what your wife does when she doesn't let you get away? I have asked my husband a few times in the past few days if he's still with me, is that the kind of thing you mean?

I think I am only just starting to fully grasp how much of my husband's behavior is unconscious. For years when he pulled away I assumed it was a choice. Now I realize he doesn't even know he's doing it, which is why I've started asking him. Many of the things he told me over the years, I had a hard time even believing; like how he could completely forget the horrendous argument we had had a few hours earlier, for example. I know sometimes he feels like a preprogrammed robot doing things he's unaware of that are the opposite of what he wants to do.

LJA


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#205021 - 02/13/08 04:49 PM Re: new to group [Re: LJA]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Thanks so much for the posts. One of the issues is that my husband won't even awknoledge that these things happened. He's angry, bitter, abusive at times and unable to deal with me on any kind of emotional level. He gets so angry at me for bringing up anything that needs to be handled. I'm starting theropy with his old theropist on the 21st. She knows all our history and I really enjoy her. This has my husband a bit upset but I can't sit here and have the nightmares and carry around this stuff forever without moving forward somehow. He's creating what he fears the most...he thinks he will lose me...and so he's pushing me away and hurting me and blaming me and it's so hard. He just wants me to leave it alone. It's not that bad, he's not that bad, everything is fine, I'm making up drama......I know enough of what happened to be sad and hurt and have nightmares over it. I feel like he doesn't trust me enough to talk to me...selfish I'm sure. Very hard to know your own spouse has secrets and issues that are the reasons for how hard the marriage is, and then be expected to be quiet and ignore it. I'm tore up and confused. I really thank you all for listening. That alone is helpful. Jen

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#205035 - 02/13/08 07:33 PM Re: new to group [Re: dangal]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Jen and welcome,

We are in a difficult place aren't we? But we see in our guys what they can't see in themselves so we stick around and fight the good fight right beside them. I too agree with Scott and WW about the moving forward. My b/f is in therapy now for 2 years. Progress is painfully slow, but it is there, although I admit it is sometimes very hard to see. Regardless, if he's willing to put himself through what he must in order to heal, then I'll stand right beside him.

We can't make our husband's or b/f's "see the light," so to speak, we can only do what we can to encourage them.

You are not just making up drama. The pains you are going through are very real and it's not fair of him to deny it. If he doesn't want to talk about or deal with the csa then you can't make him, but you have every right in the world to insist that he deal with your marriage and your children.

I think it's a good thing that you are going back to see a therapist. I think it's important that you stress to your husband that you are doing this for YOU. Not that it doesn't have anything to do with him, obviously it does, but that the focus is you and how you can better deal with your family life.

It's unfortunate that you're husband is upset over your choice to see the same T he did but I can see where that would make him anxious. Is he afraid that the T will break some confidence of his? Would he be willing to speak with him/her to assure him that it won't happen? If this is going to be a source of even more stress for him and your marriage would you be able to seek a referral from this T to another one? You seeing his old therapist may very well stop or certainly stall any decision he may make to seek therapy himself.

OK, now that we've completely hijacked LJA's thread, I'm done. Why not start a new thread for any additional things you want to bring to the board.

We're here for you Jen, that I promise.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#205225 - 02/14/08 09:45 PM Re: new to group [Re: Trish4850]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I have no idea how to start a new thread!!!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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