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#201710 - 01/27/08 09:16 AM Weird Friendship
Olive Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 16
Loc: New Jersey
You guys always have such great insight on everything so I thought I'd throw this out there and see what you think.

My husband has extreme control issues, no one can tell him what to do and that includes everything in life from important things to where we're going to plant a tulip.

So there's this friend of his from work, AH, his only male friend, who he's known for 20 years. They have worked together and socialized and then will go years without hanging out when one of them gets transferred to a different department. Right now they work together. AH makes a lot of money, has a huge house, travels whenever and wherever and quite often with male friends rather than his wife and has an I don't give a shit attitude.

What bothers me is that my husband actually listens to this guy when he doesn't listen to anyone else, and it gets worse....if this guy is into cigars, my husband will all of a sudden be into cigars. If this guy doesn't eat red meat, guess who won't eat red meat!

Another time they went to an Oktoberfest together, just the men, wives not invited, didn't come home, but when he did, he was furious with me. Wouldn't talk to me, just screamed "you know what you did!" I mean he was "veins popping out of his neck" mad. Didn't talk to me for a week. All I did was go to work, take care of the kids, do laundry...I know deep in my heart I didn't do anything. Still won't talk about it.

A week later when leaving work, AH was meeting a guy for a drink and my husband went along, got drunk and didn't come home.

Twice in our marriage my husband has not come home, both times he was with AH and his guy friend. Both times he comes home angry with me.

1. Why does a man who has to have complete control, let his friend have so much influence over his thoughts and actions?
2. What went on or was said while he was with these guys that would make him come home so angry with me?
3. Is something going on?

Please my friends, I want you to give me your raw, uncensored, no holding back opinions because you have all experienced so much.
I am the partner of a survivor,
I can take it,
by the way, I love you all,
now let it rip!

Olive


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#201718 - 01/27/08 10:06 AM Re: Weird Friendship *DELETED* [Re: Olive]
krayoss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
Post deleted by krayoss


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#201738 - 01/27/08 11:32 AM Re: Weird Friendship [Re: krayoss]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Olive,

Unless I miss my guess his anger at you is either a ploy to divert all conversation away from where he's been and what he's been doing, or it's a lot of shame within him over what he's been doing that leads him to be angry at the first available target - you.

As long as we humans can take our anger out on someone or something we don't have to look inward at what we're really angry about. We don't have to look at the shame. We don't have to look at the abuse, and by avoiding in that way we also avoid healing.

Then again we've no idea we're wounded and in need of healing so it becomes a big vicious cycle. Until the wound gets so big and so painful that it can no longer be ignored we ain't ever gonna go there! We're pretty stubborn. ;\)

To answer number one, There could be a number of things going on here, one being that it's another way of acting out. Allowing others to control him. Many of us repeatedly recreate our abuse scenario's in some way in an effort to make it come out better and put us in control instead of being abused. It doesn't work but that doesn't keep us from trying. Even if nothing is going on with him other than drinking to oblivion with his "friends" when he disappears like this, he may still be attempting to recreate a situation where others are controlling his actions in the hope that it will work out differently this time.

Another possible answer to that question is that many abuse boys also experience isolation from their peers and many times are even ridiculed, taunted, and physically injured by their peers. This can create a neediness within that as adults manifests itself in the way you've described. We are so pleased that we've made a friend that we will go along with, even mimic their interests in order to keep that relationship alive. We feel we have no identity of our own anyhow so we adopt theirs in a way. it becomes a sick dance in which all involved suffer negative impact.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#201974 - 01/28/08 06:41 AM Re: Weird Friendship [Re: WalkingSouth]
Olive Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 16
Loc: New Jersey
Walkingsouth,
Thanks for your reply, what you say makes a lot of sense and gives me some things to think about. I guess my biggest fear was that something happened during his two sleepovers because he acted so strange when he finally came home. I don't want to ramble on and on about these friends of his but I have socialized with them and I just get this uneasy feeling about them. Of course the best thing would be discussing this whole matter with my husband but it's a rare occasion when he opens up so I'll just have to wait patiently for the opportunity.

It is so true that he was taunted and ridiculed by his peers growing up as well. He was quiet and invisible in school and was never invited to anything. That really bothers him. Maybe you're right about him being so pleased to have made a friend that he will go along with anything just to fit in.

Your comments are very wise and appreciated. I'll talk to my husband about this but it's all about timing and I needed some input now because this has been brewing in my head for some time and it's driving me crazy. Just so afraid he acted out with these men. You know that whole darn womans intuition thing.

Olive

Oh, and Krayoss....I don't think Dear Abby is ready to address survivor issues although it's about time she did.


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#202406 - 01/29/08 08:55 PM Re: Weird Friendship [Re: Olive]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Olive,

It's not a bad thing to trust your woman's intuition. If you're gut is telling you there is something wrong then something is wrong. It may not be anything your husband actually did on nights he didn't come home, except for the not coming home part, which you have a right to be angry about, but you don't know. You're husband could just be blowing off steam with the guys, getting blotto drunk, playing poker and losing every penny in his pocket or any number of harmless things.

Taking his anger out on you and blaming you for something and then not telling you what that something is, is a problem. John could be 100% correct as to the why of it, but that doesn't mean it's OK. Sometimes our guys will push us away; it hurts, but hopefully, we as partners know the deal. We know that something is going on in our man's head, we may not know what, but we do know it's something and in a little while, the pushing will stop and we can talk. That's the best case scenario, but being attacked for something is a bad scenario. Not being able to defend yourself because you don't know why you're being attacked makes it even worse and all it does is raise every hackles.

I know you said that you're timing has to be worked out before you talk to him; I won't argue that since you know him, not me. But I do know that you two need to talk. It's not just a matter of you not liking his friend; for that, I'd advise you to leave it alone. Many of us have relationships with people that our significant other may not like, but as long as it can be kept separate and isn't destructive to your relationship, I think it's best to let it be. You said he doesn't really have any male friends and if you interfere it will probably go badly for you.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#203033 - 02/01/08 02:31 PM Re: Weird Friendship [Re: Trish4850]
Olive Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 16
Loc: New Jersey
I know it's been said before but I just want to say again that the amount of support and perspective one receives here is a god send.

For years I have been struggling to make sense of things, in my mind because these are issues no one in my life can relate to, at least not that I know of. Besides, my husband hasn't yet disclosed his abuse to anyone else so I really can't talk about it. A non-verbal war going on in my head, sleepless nights, and times I'm so upset by things my body just shakes.

Coming here and throwing an issue out for you all to ponder and sitting back and receiving all kinds points of views, from people who can relate to survivor issues is the next best thing to actually sitting in a room together, over a cup of coffee and sharing.

Since I posted, I feel stronger and you guys have reinforced what I already know I have to do, and that is talk to him about all of this. It's so early in his recovery I need think carefully about how to do this so I respect his feelings and at the same time stand up for mine. One thing for sure, we'll never move forward if we keep dragging this mental baggage behind us.

Wish me luck!
O.


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#203048 - 02/01/08 03:38 PM Re: Weird Friendship [Re: Olive]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Good Luck! \:\)

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#203090 - 02/01/08 09:26 PM Re: Weird Friendship [Re: Trish4850]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Olive,

For whatever it may be worth, my H of 15+ yrs (a survivor) acts the exact same way as yours. He has control issues and is always the leader and head man in his work. But once he meets a "cool" guy he admires, either b/c the guy has a huge house or cool cars or whatever, he starts dressing like him, buying all his clothes wherever the friend buys his, and becomes available to get together at the drop of a hat, when usually he's impossible to schedule things with for even me. We can be broke, but if this guy or his wife calls and wants to go out to a nice restaurant we go and pay tons of $$ we don't have. Taking up cigars or pipes or the type of music the "friend" likes is also exacto here. I get so worn out and irritated whenever my H's iPod is playing all the music of others.....so un-original and obvious he's "borrowing a life." So sad.

I have never voiced my observations of this to him. He would probably just get defensive and say "I like it" or whatever the thing is he's copying.

It really is as though he has no identity of his own. He was pretty stable before a year and a half ago, when his abuse must have surfaced, because then all of a sudden his wardrobe style changed and his music, and even his decorating tastes. Very strange to witness. Uncomfortable.

It has been a year and a half or more since I told my H about this site and he still has not come here to read. I gave him lots of books including the famous "Victims No Longer" and he will not touch them. I got him to go to counseling briefly a while back because I threatened divorce. But the counselor reported to me that he is not ready to face his abuse and that he is still in denial somewhat.

Since then he has relocated for a job 2 hrs away in another state and for 6 months now has had no counseling. We visit on the weekends and will join him when our daughter's school term is over this May or when our house sells, whichever comes 1st. Then I will find us another therapist, hopefully another good one who knows what csa's effects are.

Sigh. It is hard. But I have hope. I think it's just a really long road. And I hear that once they begin to face their issues at last, that it is very painful and you may find yourself wishing for the time before when they were still pretty ignorant of it. Sigh, again.

Good luck and keep coming here. I've learned, and continue to learn, a TON.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#203495 - 02/04/08 09:57 AM Re: Weird Friendship [Re: Brokenhearted]
Olive Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 16
Loc: New Jersey
Brokenhearted,

I am so sorry for all you're going through. My h has a lot of behaviors that seem to parallel yours. I'm sad, fustrated, tired, sooo tired. And what can we do? Just wait, be supportive,and let them find the right time. My h has absolutely no idea the heartbreak he puts me through, not a clue, cause everything is about him. Yet here I sit feeling like a giant vice grip is squeezing my chest, as usual.

You reminded me of something last year that humors me to this day....we were at his creepy friends house for a get together and I see my h with a glass of wine in his hand, he's discussing wine with this guy acting suave and agreeing with everything the guy says, as if my h actually likes wine, which he doesn't. He looked ridiculous and phoney to me but I didn't say anything, just watched him sipping and, nodding at everything his friend said. Even talking about his long history of wine drinking. Huh? Besides what could I say anyway? Well, he got sooo sick that night, he had to sleep sitting up. You see it always makes him really sick...that's why he can't drink it. So I got him some tums, rolled over and went to sleep. I get a little snicker out of that. Sorry but in all the madness, I gotta find a little humor or I'll go nuts.

This was not a good weekend talk to him about anything. Not in a good mood, and irritated.

I feel like I'm standing in an open field and huge, heavy piles of manure are dumping on me, one after the other until it's so heavy I can hardly breath. And I claw my way out, covered in shit with a smile on my face and know I have survived another day. Okay, so I daydream sometimes.

Have a fabulous day


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