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#203270 - 02/03/08 01:56 AM Why can't I relate?
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I want so bad to relate and say "oh, I have that problem" to something but it always goes to me either being misunderstood or left out completely. I've been on this site so many years and still feel so alone. My issues seem to hardly be comprehended, my problems downplayed a lot even though I know there is no bad intent. I repeatedly get abused to every detail and feel silenced. I don't have a default switch to bring me back to what I was before. It's not about positive thinking, I wasn't always like this. I haven't done unhealthy things, don't have the impulses, don't self harm, never had an addiction. I have told, I do talk about "it", I can't keep the secrets. I've faced everything in all ways possible, taken all the meds, done all the therapies, baffled the "experts" and continue to actively look for what to do next. The only thing I really know is fear but even that seems to be understood in a way that deminishes my experience. I have knowledge of what safe is but the evidence of that is so minimal and almost imagined. I try to give my knowledge like an adult when the opportunity comes and ask questions in the same manner. Saying I was hurt as a kid isn't enough to feel that I belong. My presence persuaded by not having no were else to go.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#203288 - 02/03/08 05:40 AM Re: Why can't I relate? [Re: usmc97]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey US, I'm really having a difficult time thinking how I can answer your post here. I'd just like to say that you absolutely do belong here and it's upsetting to me that you think you don't belong. I've talked with you in chat a few times and I understand what you're saying here with this post. You're situation is kind of difficult because we all feel for you very much and we can see how very much you need some answers, it's just that none of have those answers for you. That can be hard for us as well as you because we all need to know that every problem does have an answer in some way or another. We're not hoping to "fix" those problems for you but we would at least like to be able to point you in a direction where you could find those answers.

Even after talking with you a few times I really still don't have a good grasp of what exactly the problems you are having are, it seems you are a little cryptic when talking to you. I don't think you're trying to be but I definately feel like you are maybe beating around the bush a little. What I have gotten from you is that the professionals haven't been able to help you, so when you're talking with us I don't think we're going to have any answers for you that the pro's didn't have. That can be frustrating for people as well, who really are trying to help.

The only thing I can say is that you do belong and as I've said before please don't feel you need to apologize, you don't need to feel bad for talking. I will always listen and I hope at least that just talking with you is at least some small help to you.

I would wonder if maybe Ken Singer might have some insight for you, I would think if anyone here could help you it might be him. Maybe try PMing him or if he see's this post he might PM you?

Stay Strong US
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#203364 - 02/03/08 03:41 PM Re: Why can't I relate? [Re: mogigo]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi again.

Have you confronted your perps? Have you looked for them? Are any of them dead? Have you gone to their grave sites? Did your parents or guardians take part in your abuse? Were they oblivious to your abuse? Do your parents know of your abuse?

Have you tried to confront your perps?

From what I know of you in our chats, this is the one thing I never hear you discuss. Maybe this is a new approach that you should be taking in your recovery.


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#203369 - 02/03/08 03:55 PM Re: Why can't I relate? [Re: Hauser]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
usmc97,

You know that you hurt, and we know this. It is more than enough for you to be a survivor. No, I would say you are the survivor.

Be yourself, and speak out for yourself.

Thanks. Good post.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#203373 - 02/03/08 04:40 PM Re: Why can't I relate? [Re: alexey]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
Except for the first and last perp "they" were anonymous. The first perp disapeared completely and the last perp was murdered, weird being that he was a priest. The rest hid their identities, they always wore masks and did other things, I'll never know how many of "them" there were or who "they" were. No chance of ever confronting "them". As far as anyone can find none of "them" were ever caught.

Aside from "them" I had heavy physical abuse at the hands of my mom's husband, whom she's still married, starting around 3yo and continued throughout the other stuff until I left the house. I've never known my own father she left him 2 months before I was born. Nobody knew of stuff outside of what was going on there. The priest I went to for help sometime during my 8th grade year and he was the first and only person back then that I told. He hurt me repeatedly but I still don't know if he was doing his thing at the same time as the "others".

I've spent an hour maybe with my father my whole life, been looking for him since I was 12. That meeting took place when I was 3 or 4.

My mom still goes to the church where the priest hurt me, I told her maybe a few years ago about all this stuff. She has no contact with me, her choice not mine. I still don't remember how it all stopped, why, or when. I just had no memory during high school or during the beginings of my military career.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#203398 - 02/03/08 08:05 PM Re: Why can't I relate? [Re: usmc97]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi usmc97, I have read your survivor stories. I am sorry that you have had so much systematic ((torcher)I know the spelling is totally wrong, but even the spell checker will not give me the right spelling) in your life. It is no wonder that you have trouble relating. I know of only one guy who had a survivor story like yours. I am very glad that they are few.

Jake_t2398 was not on the site for long, and has passed on, but if he was here, he could relate to you, and I know you can relate to him.
Here is his survivor story, I know it will be very triggering for you to read it, but I think sometimes that is what we need.
strong triggrs my whole story When I first read it, I could hear this little voice saying no more, please no more. It was the same when I read your story. Jake was hiv+, and had lost his mate. He went back to his people for what help he could find. The reason I wanted you to read Jakes story, is so you could understand what a large change Jake had. Here is his last message to us, From Jake_t2398,triggers ? cursing mostly ha

I want you to know that it is possible to get better!

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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