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#203292 - 02/03/08 06:39 AM Talked to my sister... -Some of My Story-
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2575
- Potential Triggers in this long long post -

This past week I received an email from my sister. It was simply an email that contained photos of my neice in her first school play. While looking through the pictures, all I could think of was "How could someone hurt such a beautiful little girl like her." You see, several years ago it came out that she had been abused on several occasions by the 16 year son of her baby sitter. Unfortunately nothing ever came of it, as the police were never able to put together enough evidence to go after the kid. As those thoughts rang out in my mind, my heart began to ache for the relationship my sister and I used to have. We used to be very close, but in the past years, we've really grown distant.

So I decided to reply to her email and share those feelings. I told her how annoying I found the fact that my wife talks to her sister on the phone 3 to 4 times a day. It's nuts! BUT I also shared how I was jealous of their close relationship and how I wished we could be so close again. We began emailing back and forth, sharing things here and there, but keeping the really deep stuff for this weekend. I knew we were coming to visit, so I told her that when we came in, we needed to go out, just the two of us, to talk and being to heal our relationship. She thought it was a great idea. We also talked about how messed up our family is. My dad was always working, and when he wasn't working, he was in front of the TV reading the newspaper. We both have very few happy relationship memories of our dad. I love my dad, I know he loves me, but there has never been a deep connection between us at all. My sister feels the same way. We also talked about how our "always knew where we were" mom, was actually dang clueless about where we were and what was going on. In our emails back and forth we also discussed the fact that neither of our parents know how to deal with or handle feelings. When feelings start to come out, they shut down and go and hide. Quite literally. They'll retreat to whatever private are they feel they can get too and won't come out for hours.

I remember that night, actually my drive home that day (all these emails were going back in forth the same day), but not actually the drive itself, but my thoughts. Driving home the weight of things between my sister and I was so heavy. We'd talked about our messed up family, but those deeper issues still needed to be dealt with. I found myself feeling suicidal. I had momentary thoughts of heading for a tree here or there, then when I had pushed those away, my thoughts turned to the 2 rifles I owned. It scared me. For some reason, deep inside I had started feeling like my sister hated me, although her excitement at meeting up was a testimony against that fact, my feelings and thoughts conveniently forgot that fact. Later that night, I called her, I needed to hear her voice.

After I talked on the phone awhile I began to feel better, more secure. But those deep burning issues still remained. So I let part out and asked if she remember someone. She laughed a bit. I asked her why she laughed and she told me that the last person listed on her myspace page was this persons daughter. I started to bring up her myspace page I began to relate to her about how this person (who was a good 4 or so years older than me) had gotten me to do things with her when I was 8. I know it was new information to her. She seemed a little surprised, but she went on to tell me about how bad a drug addict she is now, and about how her step-father was and still is a raging alcoholic. My anger toward her shifted more to pity. I'm still hurt and angry, but I feel pity about the situation she's in now. I went on (once my sisters page loaded) to find out that this woman who is only 36 now, has a 20 year old daughter and is even the grandmother of 2. Hearing my sisters voice and knowing she really was excited about getting together, helped me push those last vestiges and lies my mind had created away. My healing could continue.

So here I am in NJ. I spent the day with my family, and by 8 O'Clock I was on overload. My wife kept asking me what was wrong, I actually started getting irritated at her for asking this question, as I just figured that by now she should realize that by the time night rolls around, I'm emotionally spent and my strenght from keeping myself going all day is gone. I shared this with her (not for the first time) and she understood. She shared back that my patience with my 3 neices and 1 nephew, along with my son and my fussy little girl was better today than it ever has been in the past. My only repsonse to her was that I was definately healing. My irritations and anger's are getting better I think. I felt like telling my mom about things at various points in the day, but I'm just not ready. We did have a talk earlier in the day where she shared with me that she was thinking about getting a therapist to deal with issues from her childhood, which made me very happy to hear, as my sister and I both figure she was abused at some point, just because of how she hides and retreats from tough situations all the time. I was desperately hoping she would ask the right questions that would lead me to share with her, but she didn't. Maybe this is for the best at this time.

Last night (Friday night) we arrived here in NJ. Around 9:30 or 10 or so, my sister and I headed out. We found a nice cozy restaurant (applebees) and had some small chit chat. I was nervous. Big time nervous. I ordered myself their mucho sized top shelf Long Island Iced Tea. Figured I'd calm my nerves a bit. I know, not the best way to calm nerves, but I don't have any aniety medication at this point, so I picked the closest thing at hand. We continued to chat about things, mainly more about my mom and dad. I did share how I was jealous of my son the one morning when he crawled up in my lap, and she said she was the same way when she saw how close her husband is with her children. We can both relate to how badly we yearn for the close fatherly connection. My sister knows I've been going through a lot lately and have been depressed, and had even shared with her previously that I was going to start seeing a therapist, so after a few dropped hints on my part (hopefully I'll get better at opening up at some point), she asked me what was up with me. So I shared that from the time I was 6 or 7 until I was 13 or 14 I was sexually abused and was now having all those issues to deal with, along with memories and anxiety and whatnot. So we talked about those things for awhile. She wanted to know who, so I shared about the 3 I knew she knew about, the ones that started at 6 or 7. She just nodded, as she did know. Part of me was scared that she had forgotten and my mentioning it would bring it all back, and then she would hate me. See, one of the hardest things for me, was during that time, as I got older, I don't know when though, my poor sister got pulled into that mess. While I realize that at that age I didn't know anything, I was innocent and naive, and that by the time we got older, it was just sorta what happened and went on, I look back and feel such a huge amount of guilt and shame about it all. I was her big brother. I should have protected her. I should have kept her safe. I told her I was sorry and hoped she could forgive me. She told me she'd let it all go and forgiven me a long time ago. It was a load off my heart. I told her that I still having forgiven myself, but perhaps sometime soon I'll be able to.

I then told her about the next. The one I had told her about when we were on the phone previously. Didn't spend too much time there, as she already knew. Then I shared the last one. I think that one floored her, as I'm sure it would allot people. I was 13 or 14 and was spending the night at a friends house. Outside in a tent actually. For some reason it was the thing to do in our little neighborhood. I didn't remember any of this until the day I actually began emailing my sister. Earlier that day I just suddenly got hit with this memory. I don't remember the initial "proposition" if you will, but I remember it made me very uncomfortable. I remember saying no, and that it was wrong etc etc, but under repeated preassure, I finally broke. I know my mind just shut off at that point. I remember some things, but know my mind wasn't processing.

I shared with my sister that I was amazed that these memories could be completely lost and forgotten. She told me that she had forgotten everything until the situation with her daughter had happened, and then it all came back. She then shared with me something that shocked me like my last story shocked her. Apparently a friend of mine had abused her on several occasions.

So, I guess this is where I am currently. I put it all out there for my sister, and she still loves me. I love her. I think we can both begin to move forward and heal. I'm feeling positive right now, although I'm tired and feeling a little depressed. Weird combination of feelings. My heart is aching, I feel like craying allot. I'm glad I have a wife I actually feel safe enough with to just lay with and cry. First time I did that the other night I was afraid she was going to ridicule me. Instead she put her arm around me and just held me. It was nice. It was wonderful.

I love feeling safe.



Edited by JustScott (02/03/08 06:41 AM)

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#203296 - 02/03/08 07:03 AM Re: Talked to my sister... -Some of My Story- [Re: JustScott]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scott,

This sounds like this was an incredibly healing experience for you and I'm very happy for you. It's always a risk to reach out, but you did that and look what you have gained. Well done.

But try to go easy on yourself. You were a victim too and big brothers can be hurt as easily as their younger siblings. An abused kid, falling apart himself, isn't in a position to protect himself, much less anyone else.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#203329 - 02/03/08 12:27 PM Re: Talked to my sister... -Some of My Story- [Re: roadrunner]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
(((((((((Sir Scott the IMPORTANT))))))))))

I so understand the safety of being held while crying.

I do wish I had someone to do that for me. One day I hope to find that.

I also understand the healing of telling. I posted about it, nearly 6 months ago. In my case it was my younger brother and his wife. They knew some of my history, but I had never shared the details with them. The night we sat down and talked was so "freeing" for me. I can't explain the way the stress of keeping the secret, weighed me down.

To find support and love, from my brother and sister-in-law, was a major catalyst for my resolve to be successful on this thing we call the "Road to Recovery".

My hope for you, is the weekend with your sister and finding MS, will lead you successfully down the same road. I also hope the road will lead through the "kingdom" of St. Louis. That way I can give you the above hug, in person.

Be good to yourself.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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