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#203289 - 02/03/08 06:03 AM Wojax's note
wojax Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/22/04
Posts: 171
Loc: Florida
Hello Guys:
Im not sure that I can write this. I was sleeping when I woke up wondering, Has my life been a lie all these years. I was abused from the age of 13 to 17, with to days standers I would be judged gay or at least bi. But , Back then I was a kid not very wise to the world. My abuser used tricks to get me to do what he wanted of me. And what he did felt good to me I would go back for more (only oral)I got to drive his new car and take his boat out. It was abuse, sometime I have a hard time believeing it myself.
I went through the shame and guilt of not telling. And the years of questioning my own sexuality. Hell I even got married to prove i was not gay. that lasted for almost a year. Then to prove i was a true man I joined the army went to vietnam was a firefighter, policeman and EMT. Why did I not tell? For many years I was so very unhappy, I know now i was not gay. I did get married again that was 38 years ago.
For almost 40 years I repressed my thoughts of what had happen to me. Then I came down with Cancer and thought i was dieing and the flash backs started comeing back. I was so ashamed of myself and what I let that man do to me. He shamed my soul...God help me he shamed me so.. I can be strong in here and in the chat room only because I am a strong man and I am a true survivor..
Now I have Cancer again this one may very well take me. I only have one question How will God see this... I have done all that i can to help others in my life time. But have i helped myself i did tell my Mother what happen several years ago and all she could do was cry so I never told my father.
I just needed to get this out for my own good.Thanks for your friendship and your fellowship over the years. I do have a band of brothers here...
Gary

_________________________
Jer 7:23 ps 91:16

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#203293 - 02/03/08 06:55 AM Re: Wojax's note [Re: wojax]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Gary,

Originally Posted By: wojax
I only have one question How will God see this...


God has seen all that has happened to you; without any doubt he knows that none of it was your fault. You don't say so in so many words, but I wonder if you are wondering about the abuse you endured when you were older, like 16-17. Are you asking yourself, "Why didn't I stop it? By then I was old enough to take care of myself."

Our community has a lot of guys in it who were abused at older ages - I hit rock bottom when I was 20, for example. I think the thing to remember here is that there is no age when a young person suddenly stops being vulnerable. Adult predators know exactly how to groom their victims and set them at ease before the trap is sprung.

In your case, as in mine and many others, there is also the point that when a young boy is abused it wrecks him emotionally and sweeps away all his boundaries. I was first abused at the age of 10, and by 12 I clearly recall feeling totally worthless. No wonder I was ready to commit suicide by then.

Look back at Young Gary, not the 17-year-old but the 13-year-old. Think back to how his feelings about himself were gradually distorted and his self-respect eroded. It's not surprising that you succumbed to the fact that the sex felt good; you were a broken boy, growing up and becoming more nature, but still that broken boy.

And going back time after time. That's my story and the story of so many other guys here as well. But if you look back not to the things that happened, but to your feelings as a teenager, you will probably see all the signs of that broken boy again. The numbing out, the feeling of "what does it matter", thinking "this is all I'm good for", etc.

All of that was part of the impact that abuse had on you. And no, none of it was your fault.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#203356 - 02/03/08 03:23 PM Re: Wojax's note [Re: roadrunner]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Wojax
I ran across this quote and I thought of you and how you feel about yourself.

The marvel of the Redemptive Reality of God is that the worst and the vilest can never get to the bottom of Hislove.

And you are so far above that my man.

Roger


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#203374 - 02/03/08 04:45 PM Re: Wojax's note [Re: wojax]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6420
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I'm VERY sorry you are going through this Gary. I'm starting to wonder if we ever catch a break.


Originally Posted By: wojax
I only have one question How will God see this...


He will see it exactly as it was. How YOU see it the only variable.



Edited by Robbie Brown (02/03/08 11:14 PM)
_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#203413 - 02/03/08 09:05 PM Re: Wojax's note [Re: Still]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Gary,

this is very sad to me that you are again facing this disease, I know of how scary it is. I hope very much that you heal from this and are able to continue your life in the way you wish it. In mine own view, God does not see you at all as guilty or bad person. He knows what is been done to you in your life, and have seen how much you have tried and worked hard to make your life better. There is no shame in being you I think, and God would not see any I think.

I wish you good luck in your health and healing.

Andrei


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#203442 - 02/03/08 11:25 PM Re: Wojax's note [Re: ak]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Gary, I am very sorry about you being sick again.

God will have to see an innocent child. That's whaat you were then.

Now you are still one of his children. You're just stronger now.
You understand how to help yourself now, and how to help others.
You've helped me since I've been here, and I'm sure you have others.

Good luck in your recovery.

I hope to see you in chat soon.

Keith.


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#203627 - 02/05/08 01:30 AM Re: Wojax's note [Re: KeithR]
weapher Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Oregon
Gary,

You are the first person I met in the chat room here at MS. You shared a lot of things that really helped me and encouraged me that night and the next. I will never forget them and I will be a better man because of you.

"How will God see this..." You ask. Only God can answer that question my friend. But here is what I can tell you as a man after Gods own heart... He is a God of Love, compassion, forgiveness, grace, mercy, hope, and the list could go on and on.

I know from our conversations over that next month that you know God. And his promise is to never forsake you. Turn your eyes to Him and He will answer you. You are an awesome man and I am truly sorry for your suffering here on earth. I pray for you and hope you get through this struggle you are facing.

peace

weapher

_________________________
Facing the struggle makes you strong.

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#203719 - 02/05/08 06:00 PM Re: Wojax's note [Re: weapher]
mvnforwrd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 216
Loc: NJ
Gary,
I have your back brother. This post has made me realize that healing is a constant thing from now on. when i first came to this site you were a big help to me( I thankyou for that night) The couple times we talked after that I was amazed how strong you were. This post has made me realize we really need eachother wheter you are new to healing or have been healing for many years. As much as I need your help you need mine... Thankyou for sharing. Gary what does you heart say about God? believe your good heart!


I will listen I am hear for you MVN4WRD

_________________________
Take your foot out of yesterday and your other foot out of tomorro or you will keep pissing allover today!

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#242110 - 08/03/08 12:28 PM Re: Wojax's note [Re: mvnforwrd]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi again Gary,
I just answered your kind remarks about me, I didn't know about your cancer sorry. I'm confused about this God thing, where was he for us? I was a Catholic (and where was his mother)? I guess that In my case if my earthly mother didn't give a hoot, how could I really expect my heavenly one too? Heal well on both counts my friend.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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