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#203683 - 02/05/08 12:40 PM Re: To me, being gay means ......... [Re: roadrunner]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Larry,

I've been around for over sixty years. Thirty four of those were in a marriage to a woman that I loved. We had two children who are now 33 & 22. When my wife died five years ago while I was undergoing radiation treatment for my second cancer I was at the lowest point in my life. I had been dealing with the CSA issues for about five years by then. I had told her about some of the CSA and I told her about some of my 'acting out'. We lived our lives together until she died. When I was recovering/grieving I made a decision, not to be gay but to quit lying about being straight. When I was confronted with death I thought a lot about my life. I got married because I was supposed to, I was my father's only son. I married for better or worse and had a lot of each. I did love my wife but I longed for male companionship. I was always afraid of being too close to another male. I was afraid that I would be used and discarded. I was afraid of being 'found out'. When I was a young man, after the abuse had started, I thought that anyone could see that I was gay so I had to be better, I just had to try harder. I set unreasonable goals for myself and hardly ever met them resulting in severe self-esteem issues.

Now:

To me, being gay means being true to who I am. Being able to express my love for someone openly. No one would ever choose to be gay and face the homophobia and negative cultural stereotypes that a good percentage of our population has. I choose to be honest with myself and my family. It hasn't been easy and not everyone has been supportive. I don't believe that there is a stereotypical gay person, they come in all different varieties, the same as straight people. My partner and I have been together almost four years now. I don't think we 'look gay', we're just two regular guys who happen to love each other. Someday I hope that we'll be able to have all of the benefits and responsibilities that I had when I was married to a woman.

Take care,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#203897 - 02/06/08 05:34 PM Re: To me, being gay means ......... [Re: Stephen_5]
Calanthe Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 109
Loc: California
Gee there have been a lot of good comments and I have enjoyed reading everyone’s ideas and I do not mean to take away from all the important stuff that has been said and shared but this really reminds me of a scene for the movie “Trick” where Gabriel and Mark (Gabriel’s one nightstand) are sitting on the front steps of Gabriel’s NYC apartment and Gab has just related to Mark his own thoughts and doubts about identifying as a Gay man or feeling part of the Gay community and Mark replies “You suck dick don’t you?” (and yes it was a rhetorical question).

Just remembering this scene puts a smile on my face and helps me realize that my being a Gay man is really just that simple and so much more; but sometimes simple really works for me.

Thank again for everyone’s thoughts. I enjoyed them all.

Cal

_________________________
You can't save your Ass and your Face at the same time. (Anonymous)

And given the choice I will save my ass first everytime(STC)

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#203910 - 02/06/08 08:37 PM Re: To me, being gay means ......... [Re: Calanthe]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
ROTFLMAO! Cal, you hit it on the head!

All the rhetoric, all the semantics, all the 'community' stuff is great and wonderful, but you managed to boil it all down to the common denominator;

To me, being gay means I like dick.

Enough said. Thank you Cal for boiling it down.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#203912 - 02/06/08 08:42 PM Re: To me, being gay means ......... [Re: Lazarus]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, I hope straight guys at least like their own!


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#203918 - 02/06/08 08:57 PM Re: To me, being gay means ......... [Re: MemoryVault]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
MV, I would never have believed it, but I've learned here on MS that some survivors don't like their own penises. They resent the fact that their dicks betrayed them, it make it look like they liked their abuse, when in fact it was just a stimulatory response. I feel sad for those guys. It wasn't their fault, and it wasn't their penis' fault.

I hope str8 guys like their own dicks too. Do you?

Respectfully submitted,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#203922 - 02/06/08 09:11 PM Re: To me, being gay means ......... [Re: roadrunner]
bigjdaddymack Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 4
Being gay is easy. It's what you do with it that is harder than I anticipated.

After an 8 year marriage ended, this father of 3 was excited to finally settle into a long-term gay relationship he had always wanted. That was 7 years ago.

Coming from a very conservative and traditional place, I expected it to be as easy to find a like-minded man. Here is what I found instead. The men I mostly met fell into at least one of the following de>


Edited by bigjdaddymack (02/06/08 09:14 PM)

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#203947 - 02/06/08 11:19 PM Re: To me, being gay means ......... [Re: bigjdaddymack]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Bigjdaddymack,

I sympathize with you and I have from time to time had similar feelings about the "gay world."

This goes along, I think, with what I wrote earlier. The "gay community" as such is a reactive social construct which, in the best of all possible worlds, should not need to exist. The only reason the "gay community" exists is because it was called into being by oppression and discrimination by the straight majority and the refusal of homosexual, bisexual, transgender, and other queer people to bow to the hegemony of the straight majority.

Being gay is not about liking dick. Being homosexual is about liking dick; being gay is about liking dick and openly proclaiming that you like dick in defiance and rebellion against the Powers that Be that say that you shouldn't like dick and if you do like dick then you're bad, wrong, and evil and deserve to die and/or go to hell and should be denied the basic civil and human rights enjoyed by everyone else.

Remove the oppression and discrimination, and the need for a gay community will wither away.

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#203950 - 02/06/08 11:28 PM Re: To me, being gay means ......... [Re: VLinvictus]
bigjdaddymack Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 4
Originally Posted By: VLinvictus
Remove the oppression and discrimination, and the need for a gay community will wither away.


Good point. I don't foresee it happening in my lifetime. Look at how long the African-Americans were in oppression. Some would say they still are. In my opinion, any repressed society will hold on to their oppression long after the oppressors have have stopped inflicting it. It's part of their heritage. Their oppression puffs them up. I think any community would behave similarly until enough generations die off and there is a complete and subtle integration that is foreign to anyone who reads about it in a history book.


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#203963 - 02/07/08 02:44 AM Re: To me, being gay means ......... [Re: bigjdaddymack]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
This sounds a bit US-centric. Regarding oppression and discrimination, don't forget many places outside the USA where gay couples have far easier lives and greater rights. Some places are more oppressive certainly, but much of western Europe has removed much of the official and unofficial hostility to gay couples.

Belgium, Iceland, the Netherlands, Spain, Sweden, the UK, Canada, New Zealand have legal rights for same sex couples with rights in adoption.

Support in polls for same sex marriage runs 82% in the Netherlands, 71% in Sweden, 69% in Denmark and 62% in Belgium.

About 30-39% of Americans support same sex marriage.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#203979 - 02/07/08 09:33 AM Re: To me, being gay means ......... [Re: LandOfShadow]
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
Then there are places where if two men are found having sex, they stone the top and collapse a wall onto the bottom...

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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