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#203071 - 02/01/08 06:29 PM How much of my life can I blame on my abuser?
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I recently got a call from my doctor telling me that my liver count was elevated again and she wanted me to see a specalist for a possible fatty liver/NASH. This is most likely due to my being approximately 100-120lbs overweight for my height. It got me a bit angry at my brother (abuser) but then I got to thinking how much of my life's problems can I blame on him. Maybe all of them I don't know. My weight is likely due to my depression, anxiety, isolation (lack of excersise).

So what do you think, where do I draw the line?

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#203076 - 02/01/08 07:06 PM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: onlyakid]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Jason I try to have this perspective when dealing with stuff. Every problem i ever had until the day i realized the abuse was not ok and not deserved was the perps fault. But now i am responsible for my self i have choice now and i can chose how to live my life.

I think it is good to say he hurt me he caused me to have these horrible problems but then we must take the second step of saying okay how can i fix these problems?

hope this helps, Christopher


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#203081 - 02/01/08 08:14 PM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: theatrekid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

It seems to me that it's difficult to look at anyone's past and identify which issues are entirely the result of abuse, which are not at all related to abuse, and which lie somewhere in between. That said, the deepest and most catastrophic impact of abuse is not so much the physical damage as the emotional harm done to our feelings about ourselves. I think it would be safe to say that any such issues we have are related to our abuse history in some fundamental way. Even as adults we can find that CSA magnifies the impact of something way out of proportion to its original significance.

But let's say we could separate things, quantify them and say, okay x% is from abuse and y% is from other causes. How does that help us?

The bottom line that regardless of what or who is to blame, we ourselves have the responsibility to face these issues and do something about them. No one else can do that for us.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#203103 - 02/01/08 10:57 PM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: roadrunner]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
Jason, I definately believe that sexual trama, has an effect on our daily lives. It effects our relainships with every one that we meet on a dailey basis. I believe that it effects how we look at our selves. If we have a low enough oppinion of our selves we begin to not give a shit what others think.
But to aunser your question Yes this can destroy a person, if you do not fight every day to keep your sanity .
By the way I am 5'7" and weigh 250 lbs
So I do understand being fat.
Just remember, God made short people & tall people. Just like He made skinny people & fat people

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#203105 - 02/01/08 11:10 PM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: OKIE MIKE]
mvnforwrd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 216
Loc: NJ
I dont think there is a line that can be drawn. If you feel that something is related to the abuse then it is. I try to be concious as should any victim on what can or cannot be related to the abuse/trauma. i guess that comes with time!

example:

If you stub your toe getting out of the shower that is your own damn fault, but if you stub your toe because you are having a bit of rage because the voices are talking to you then that is related to the abuse.

As Christopher Said eventually we all try to reach the level were we are responsible for ourselves and can make choices in good concious. I personally llok forward to that day. As for now all my feelings and actions are related to the abuse/trauma.

_________________________
Take your foot out of yesterday and your other foot out of tomorro or you will keep pissing allover today!

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#203141 - 02/02/08 09:08 AM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: mvnforwrd]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
I addressed this in my book because the blame game is important. I came to this conclusion; We can blame everything on the abuse, a child is not responsible for anything but as we grow into adulthood I beleive we are responsible for our actions; it is upon arriving at this "I am responsible for my actions" part of our recovery that we gain power. I felt okay with blaming everything on the abuse until I became aware or began dealing with the abuse. From that point on I realized that for me to heal and deal or overcome I had to take the power back and begin being responsible for a better outcome. Blaming is looking back, which is important in the recovery process but as you grow looking forward and being responsible for your future gives the power back to the person it belongs to. So blame is essential and works in stages depending on your progress. Blame is part of letting go, letting go of the thoughts that I carried for twenty plus years, "it was my fault he came on to me, I must have done something because adults don't make mistakes," that kind of childlike thinking goes away when you place the blame where it belongs, on the abuser. Long story and lots of rambling later;

Blame the abuser for the abuse and the aftermath until you get it out of your system and when you get ready, take the power and run with it, be responsible for our own outcome no one else is going to.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#203148 - 02/02/08 10:31 AM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: John Oarc]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
You absolutely right John. BTW just bought your book and started reding it yesterday. Thanks for sharing.

Roger


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#203149 - 02/02/08 10:39 AM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: Freedom49]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
I hope it helps Freedom49,

The only real satisfaction I get from the book is feedback from you guys so if you have time drop me a line and let me know what you thought of it.


Thanks,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#203152 - 02/02/08 10:45 AM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: Freedom49]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6422
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
The end result is still the same. You are driving a beautiful new car that has just been bashed and slashed by vandals. It still drives...somewhat....but that's the car you are stuck with. You know exactly where the damage came from...THEM. You can label all the dents and scrapes and cuts with who did what to your car. The police and car-professionals can help you inventory the damage. The police can even throw the bastards in jail for it...but you are still driving a F'd-up car.

Keep driving it as-is or start fixing it...one dent...one slash at a time.




(quick...take a photo of Rob being all "determined" and stuff...he musta just come from one of his groups)

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#203173 - 02/02/08 11:48 AM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I would start asking your parents questions and look at what you were like before you were being sexually abused by your perp brother. Were you overweight as a little boy? If you look to food as a coping mechanism, I would put about 99% of the blame on that perp brother of yours, if you were ALWAYS overwieght and simply never addressed it as you grew older, then I would put a little more blame on yourself. Were you always overweight Jason?


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#203185 - 02/02/08 01:28 PM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: Hauser]
MDR Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 48
Jason,

I've been struggling with the same thing. Where do I draw the line and when do I stop blaming. Intellecutally, I know I can't remain a victim forever because then I'll never reach my potential in life. I have to be accountable and take control at some point. For me, its been a process and I experience glimpses of taking control and being accountable. Its a great feeling when that happens.

However, I'm really struggling in concerns to my childhood. Hopes and dreams! Shattered! I get so fucking angry about that. I never talk in detail about these things, except with my therapist.

Fuck, I always wanted to be a professional baseball player. I had scouts looking at me and was almost signed, except for the fact that I came to the tryout hungover. The scout wanted to sign me, but I wreaked of alochol from being hungover. There are so many things that I wanted to do and I blame all this shit on my abusers. Low self esteem and such. God, I want to explode.

Jason, I'm sorry for going on a tangent about this. After all, this post is about you. Maybe you should get angry and tell yourself that you won't let the abuse ruin you. Take the power back! You have to want it! I don't know, Jason. Don't let your abuser control you. You are a strong man!


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#203190 - 02/02/08 02:46 PM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: Hauser]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: Hauser
I would start asking your parents questions and look at what you were like before you were being sexually abused by your perp brother. Were you overweight as a little boy? If you look to food as a coping mechanism, I would put about 99% of the blame on that perp brother of yours, if you were ALWAYS overwieght and simply never addressed it as you grew older, then I would put a little more blame on yourself. Were you always overweight Jason?


No, I wasn't always overweight, as a matter of fact there was a point in my childhood (somewhere between 7-10) where I had bad allergies and my mother took me to all these doctors and I was put on a rather strict diet (including no food coloring, etc) and I was "as thin as a rail". As a matter of fact, I was drinking Snapple before snapple was popular, they had a colorless rootbeer ("Tru Root Beer"), that I had to get from a healthfood store. That didn't go on too long as we weren't seeing any difference and she couldn't bear to make me eat like that. I regained normal weight and I think it wasn't until high school (my abuse took place in 7th grade) till I started to really started to become overweight. I do believe I use it to cope, when I'm depressed, bored, etc. So I guess your 99% blame to my brother would be accurate.

But as everyone else is saying, I need to take responsibility to getting myself back to normal weight again

Jason


_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#203193 - 02/02/08 03:01 PM Re: How much of my life can I blame on my abuser? [Re: onlyakid]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I am not sure how much of my life now I would want to blame on my abuse or my abusers. Because to me, it just seems that is inviting them back into power in my life. Just is my thinking I guess. I know I have damage 'because of them'. But I know that some of it is damage 'because I haven't fixed me yet'. I would rather take the power of it onto myself that way, usually. It just give me more hope of being 'fixed'.

andrei


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