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#202701 - 01/30/08 09:29 PM Liv's post
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Maybe I don't qualify...I feel anything but "positive" at the moment.
Recently, my SO shut me out for quite awhile. He seems to see himself as an entity in the shadow of my life. Unfortunately, this isn't entirely accurate, because I have spent the last 28 years relying on him what I feel to be much more than he has EVER relied upon me. He is always telling me how smart I am, and never credits himself for the fact that the best in me, I have always credited to him.
This may not make sense to anyone. But at this point, I have to say, I don't much care.
I don't know why this post "triggered" what it did, but here it is. I never bargained for any of this. I have been "okay" with just about everything. "I'm straight, I'm Bi, I'm Gay... I love you, I don't love you, You're different, etc. etc. etc."
I have been okay with the flashbacks, the dissociation, the anxiety, the phobias, etc. etc. etc. I didn't care about the porn obsession....Maybe I'm weird, I don't know.
I love this man. There is something about him that can ground me, make me feel safe, and make me feel at peace. When I need someone, I look for him. When I look at him, he always looks the same, we're 16 again.
I researched therapists, found the best. Convinced him to go and hear what the guy had to say. He went. He went BACK. And the last time, the therapist said something that freaked him out. He AVOIDED going back. EVERY excuse in the book. After 28 years, there IS some amount of latitude you can get. I asked him outright, "What did the therapist say that freaked you out?" He started pulling his own hair, he wasn't in the moment. He made excuses.
In all honesty, this isn't about the therapist. I know it. This was someone I had contacted when he first disclosed and he had met with some 15 years later. The therapist was great. Whatever it was that the therapist said to freak him out could've been any one of a million things. In the end, there's only ONE truth. When he left the therapists office the last time, we met for coffee. When we were leaving the coffee shop, I told him I was going to buy water and asked did he want one. He said "No". Halfway to the counter, I turned around and said' "Are you sure?" and he said "I'm not sure about anything anymore." That wasn't about the water. I knew that very second that he would either work what the theraoist said out in his head, or he'd never go back. He hasn't been back. My therapist, (Obviously NOT the same one) thinks I should "cut my losses" but then again, I can tell she has little if any experience with male victims of csa.
I've been dealing with this a very long time. Long before I discovered this site. This site has been a life saver. Because, as anyone who loves a survivor knows, sometimes you have a need to run your feelings past someone else. Someone who knows. Someone who's "there". When I told him that the way he was behaving was hurting me, his response was, "Not EVERYTHING is about you." I would've liked to say "F--- You" but I didn't. Because he doesn't see himself as having a positive/negative impact on anyone else's life. He doesn't see himself as significant. And I can't imagine my life without him.

I apologize for ranting and raving.... it's been "not the best night".

Liv





Edited by Trish4850 (01/30/08 10:21 PM)

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#202709 - 01/30/08 10:04 PM Liv's post [Re: Liv2124]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
I know you all may think I've got a huge ego adding to my own post, but his comment, "Not EVERYTHING is about you" REALLY pissed me off. It makes me feel like this HUGE loser since I've always put HIS feelings before my own. My second child is named after him and I have his name tattooed on my lower back (Tramp Stamp) because, I guess, he's SO insignificant to me.
I guess what it comes down to is that I can't help him, I didn't cause what's happening to him now and I can't make it stop. And as much as he may want it, he has to be willing to MOVE to make things change. Nothing will change as long as he's committed to standing still.
Tonight was the 1st time we spoke in about 6 weeks. basically, I told him that I need him and this is SUPPOSED to be a give and take thing. That seemed to piss HIM off, but (God forgive me, I don't give a shit).
He was living here and moved out 5 years ago. I'd love to say there was some big argument that prompted this, but there wasn't. In truth, he left a post-it note to say he was leaving and moving back home to his parents. We didn't have much contact but he left a gift at my door every birthday and Christmas every year for the past 5 years. Then, this past summer, he resumed contact. His life was a mess, his anxiety through the roof. He believed he was crazy, and ended up coming back to me, the one person above anyone, who knows that there is absolutely, not a God damn thing wrong with him.
This is actually "the thing". I can't do THIS again. I can't go back to no contact with a "Bi-Annual Gift Exchange". It's sick. Because the gifts can never measure up to what's really important here and we both have enough souveniors.
Okay gang...I need help.




Edited by Trish4850 (01/30/08 11:03 PM)

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#202712 - 01/30/08 10:48 PM Liv's post [Re: Liv2124]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
{{{Liv}}}
Quote:

After 28 years, there IS some amount of latitude you can get.


Yes Liv there is, but permitting him to do as he will at your expense isn't latitude. It borders on abusive and it's hurtful to you. I will be honest; I don't know the right things to say to you. You've been tied to this man for 28 years, yet it appears that when there is a pull on the string, you're the only one who feels the weight.

I absolutely do not think you have a big ego for adding more to your post. You had an important thought and needed to express it. What's wrong with that?

Please let me think on this overnight and I'll come back tomorrow when my head is clearer. In the meanwhile, know that I'm thinking about you.

ROCK ON.........Trish




Edited by Trish4850 (01/30/08 11:03 PM)
_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#202723 - 01/31/08 01:08 AM Re: Liv's post [Re: Trish4850]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
Hi Liv,
I felt somewhat compelled reply after reading your post. I will not pretend to give any advice, because more often than not lately, I haven't been able to follow my own. I am a survivor in the early stages of facing my childhood and the impact it's had on my life. I have been with the same woman for 20 years. She has tolerated quite a bit, and in return I have tried to be supportive and there for her when she needed me. Relationships really are a partnership. There has to be a balance. There are times when she needs me, and even though I don't necessarily feel up to the task, it's part of my commitment to her. The last few years have been a nightmare for both of us. Yet, she realized that the man she loved was in trouble and she stood beside me no matter what I did. I saw that my behavior was affecting not only myself, but her, and our relationship together. She saw in me the good things that I couldn't see in myself, as you see in your significant other. HOWEVER, I realized that she deserved so much better than how I was treating her. I had to ask for help, not only for myself, but because I saw the impact of my behaviors on the ones that I love. I could not continue to push her away. I could not continue to lie to her or myself. The balance was lost in our relationship and I knew that I HAD to get help in order to be the man that she deserves. She deserves a healthy and happy equal. She deserves to have the man that she's loved and supported all these years. I have no right to use my childhood as an excuse to be an ass, and then expect her to be there for me. I am guilty of having said the "not everything is about you" line, but, in a relationship like ours, if something is about me then it's about us. Because we are partners. Because we are equals. Because we love each other. No matter how hard it was for me to ask for help, and to commit to the recovery process, I HAD to do it. Not only to save my life, but to honor the love of the greatest woman I have ever known. I will not repeat my mistakes and I will never betray her love again. That is what she deserves. That is what I deserve.

I don't know if this helps or not, and I really don't want to confuse an already confused situation. I know what I put my wife through and I don't want to do it again. I accepted responsibility for my actions today, understood that some of it was a reflex reaction from my abuse of yesterday, and learned so that I don't repeat the same mistakes tomorrow. My thoughts are with you and your SO, but you really should try to think of your needs and understand that YOU don't need to put yourself through hell unless he is willing to walk beside you and get the help he needs.


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#202735 - 01/31/08 03:18 AM Re: Liv's post [Re: Minute2Minute]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
{{{{{{{{{{LIV}}}}}}}}}}

I wish I had more to offer you then just a hug and shoulder to cry on. Still, at least I can offer you that.


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#202736 - 01/31/08 03:18 AM Re: Liv's post [Re: Minute2Minute]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Liv:

(((liv))) First, I would like to extend a supportive hug. Is it at all possible for you both to see a therapist as a couple? Seeking support seperately does help for individual issues but I have found that having a professional there for couple issues surrounding csa is extremely important.

I have seen a huge turn about personally in my relationship with husband and this would not have happened without the intervention of our therapist.

When you said: "I can't go back to no contact with a "Bi-Annual Gift Exchange". It's sick. Because the gifts can never measure up to what's really important here and we both have enough souveniors." I hear you! Please keep your chin up and know that you are not alone in this...we all are walking the same challenging path next to the male survivor in our lives.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#202925 - 01/31/08 08:48 PM Re: Liv's post [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Thank you, everyone,
I apologize for last night. As I read through my post... I'm usually not so negative. I guess he really struck a nerve, at the same time I realized that there were a few things I just can't live with anymore.
Trish, you can move my posts whenever you feel the need to. I came onto F&F for the support I knew I would find, the post I was reading opened the floodgates...yada yada yada...
Minute2minute...Thank you. I know it doesn't do what your post has done for me...justice. But I want you to know how much more perspective you've given me. The, "Not everything is about you" comment REALLY pissed me off. All I could think about is how many times I was there for him, how many things I was "okay" with, how many things I let go because I knew how much he was hurting.
LittleMiss, thank you for the hugs and the shoulder to cry on. I DID cry myself to sleep last night, my heart full of hatred for the man who did this to him, and to us.
And S-n-S, the hug was great. I don't think seeing a therapist together is ever going to be a possibility. We aren't married. We might've been, had things gone a different way. He DID ask me to run away with him 2 weeks before I was to marry someone else. (A story for another day) I loved him more than anything, and would've said yes, had I not been told by another woman he was hanging with that he was spending his weekends in gay bars wearing a tee shirt that read "Little Boy" on the front.
Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?
One thing I CAN say without hesitation, is that I have VERY few regrets. I DO regret not zoning in on what this was sooner. All the signs were there, I just never saw them. I was TOO close to him, and I loved him TOO much. I still do.
It is true that I don't want to go back to gifts appearing twice a year. I'm at a point in my own life where, if there can't be "words", there can't be gifts. He sucks at "words", AND emotions. I KNOW he has them, I can FEEL them. But it's been so long since he's used them, he wouldn't know how.
Thank you ALL for listening.

Liv


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#202940 - 01/31/08 09:41 PM Re: Liv's post [Re: Liv2124]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Liv, the best thing you can do is to get him to start posting on this site.

It is so helpful to know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#202941 - 01/31/08 09:47 PM Re: Liv's post [Re: Liv2124]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Liv,

I heard a song tonight for the first time on my way home from work and the very first thing of thought of was you and your post last night. The song is beautiful in it's sadness, but also beautiful in it's strength. From the first note, I listened to it very carefully and it struck me in that while it talks about a woman leaving her man, it isn't about that; it isn't about him - it's about her. I've posted the lyrics and a link to listen to the song below.

I'm not suggesting you leave him, nothing like that, but as the song says, "there's a stronger woman in me." Your own strength and belief in yourself is the foundation of your life.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/6352046539f5f8/

I guess you could say
I'm one of those girls
who's always been with one of those guys
you know the type
like right now
he sleeps while I write

But it's better than crying
warn out from trying
from loving a man who always makes it clear
I am not welcome here
Just till he's horny or hungry or needs something clean
you know what I mean
But not tonight
Cause come the morning light, oh

I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again
never, no
Cause theres a stronger woman
a stronger woman in me

light bulbs buzz I get up
and head to my drawer
wish there was more
I could say
another fairy tale fades to grey

I've lived on hope
Just like a child
walking that mile
faking that smile
all the while
wishing my heart had wings
well tonight I am gonna be
The kind of woman I want my daughter to be


I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
Won't lose myself again
never, no
Cause there's a stronger woman, a stronger woman

this is me packing up my bags
this is me headed for the door
this is me the best you ever had

I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me

I'm gonna be my own best friend
stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again
never, no
Cause there's a stronger woman, stronger woman
Theres a stronger woman in me
Yeah

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#202960 - 01/31/08 11:28 PM Re: Liv's post [Re: Trish4850]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
Thank you for posting that song and the lyrics Trish, I think that will be getting added to my Mp3 player.

Liz, just want to say I'm thinking about you, hang in there.


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