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#202628 - 01/30/08 03:56 PM Dad Called...
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
So my dad's in the psych ward of a hospital in Wyoming -- I guess for depression and alcoholism or whatever his thing is...I guess he thought Fargo was boring, and once again, moved somewhere else.

Well he called me on my cell yesterday while I was at a friend's house. I talked a few minutes but then said I had to go because I was busy. Later that night he called again, and I ignored the phone. I just didn't feel like talking to him, I guess. So LATER that night he called AGAIN, and I swore under my breath, and I finally picked up just to get him to stop calling. We talked a little bit, just chit chat and small talk, really. I think I was stuffing a lot of anger down in me, but I tried to keep a polite voice and tone. I couldn't believe his phoniness. He's so happy to hear my voice and blah blah blah....

So today he sent me an e-mail to thank me:

"Hey son------- thanks for talking with me, it was good to hear you. One thing, i have ALWAYS been proud of my kids!! I could end up moving to the Wyoming vets home but we could always arrange to meet again, say, in Fargo if I would take a pass to come see Grandma, sometime. take care now and send an email, sometime. DONT WORK TOO HARD!!!! DAD"

Argh...I want to hit him. \:\( He's so "proud" of me -- as if nothing ever happened. Last night he talked about some "good" memories him and I had when I was a kid. I think he has selective memory syndrome.

Just wanted to vent. Argh. Thanks.



_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#202630 - 01/30/08 04:19 PM Re: Dad Called... [Re: AndyJB2005]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I'm very sorry Andy. Down deep, you may still want a good and viable Dad. I think every guy does. I know about a father's selective memory. It can really be a new blow to our emotions when trying to get them to acknowledge what they did to us.

I think you are one super-brave, super-good son to even talk to him when you dont have to at all. You are being the adult here. You are the charitable one. Your true character is revealed once again.

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#202638 - 01/30/08 05:34 PM Re: Dad Called... [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I don't know what to tell you Andy.


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#202640 - 01/30/08 05:54 PM Re: Dad Called... [Re: Hauser]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Andy, there's not much I can add to what Rob said. He's absulutely right.

You may scoff when your Dad says he's proud of you, but YOU should be proud of you for the way you handled the situation. Good for you!

Ric

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#202646 - 01/30/08 06:43 PM Re: Dad Called... [Re: Hauser]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Andy, it sounds to me like he is feeling guilty, doesn't know what to say so he pretends like nothing has happened. He is stressing that he is proud of you now because he knows he didn't give you what you needed before. It is sad. He is starting to feel his mortality creaping up and looking back over his life and wishing he could make it all better. Desperately hoping you will say you love him and think he did a good job as a dad. Pathetic, I know but not unusual. He probably has no idea how to really connect with his own son on a real basis.

Roger



Edited by Freedom49 (01/30/08 11:56 PM)

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#202838 - 01/31/08 03:06 PM Re: Dad Called... [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Andy,

Whatever his motives may be, it sounds to me like your father is manipulating you. He calls, talks, reminisces, and so on, as if nothing happened - or at least nothing that matters. This is no good for you, from what I can see.

But what to do? You might want to consider writing him a letter stressing what is wrong with this set-up and assuring him that you aren't buying it. You've probably seen Ken Singer's excellent article on writing such letters here on the site.

The point is that you don't have to send the letter; in fact, Ken advises that survivors write the letter with the idea that they will not be sending it. Just going through this exercise may already be very good for you in that it will help you to clarify your own thoughts and feelings. Then once you have a finished letter you can ask yourself if it would help you to send it.

However you decide to proceed, the status quo seems unacceptable. If you allow him, your father will continue the fantasy of being a good Dad to a son who has "gotten over it".

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#202896 - 01/31/08 07:28 PM Re: Dad Called... [Re: roadrunner]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I'm guessing he's in the VA domicilary in maybe Sheridan, Wyoming? One thing that I believe might help you is if you call down to the director of the program he's taking part(since you are his immediate family they should have no proplem with you trying to speak to them) and "tell".... let it out to that stranger on the phone the truth. They may confront him or incorporate it into his treatment by knowing a truth that he's hiding. In otherwords give the issue back to him for him to deal with, he's pretty much trapped there(I've been in a VA Dom for PTSD before) so I kind of see it as an opportunity for you to give the problem back to him and at the least you know he's outed.

http://www1.va.gov/directory/guide/facility.asp?ID=122&dnum=All

It's okay to tell him that you don't want to talk to him... it's okay to hang up on him or not even take his calls... it's okay to tell... it's okay to be mad or sad... you have no allegiance to the things he's done, it's just not your responsibility.

I hope this might help give you some release.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#202969 - 02/01/08 12:14 AM Re: Dad Called... [Re: AndyJB2005]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Originally Posted By: AndyJB2005

Argh...I want to hit him. \:\( He's so "proud" of me -- as if nothing ever happened. Last night he talked about some "good" memories him and I had when I was a kid. I think he has selective memory syndrome.



Andy most times perps do have selective memory.

I do think it is a good idea to contact the VA and tell them about your dad. Don't know if he ever got help for his evil ways, but maybe now is the time to make him deal with it. It's not your job to force him to get help but the VA could help him deal with this.

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#202974 - 02/01/08 12:58 AM Re: Dad Called... [Re: Muldoon]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Originally Posted By: Muldoon
I do think it is a good idea to contact the VA and tell them about your dad. Don't know if he ever got help for his evil ways, but maybe now is the time to make him deal with it. It's not your job to force him to get help but the VA could help him deal with this.


Thanks everyone for you replies.

I wish I could call the VA and tell. I really do. But really my dad is psychotic. Not in a euphemistic way, but a REAL true way.

I don't think he will confront any issues about this, even if he remembered what happened (which I doubt he does). He is not "there" enough to even care for himself. He shouldn't be living in public -- and SHOULD be in a psych ward. But they can't hold him.

So I don't know what calling the VA person would do. He's probably had 100s of VA people/psychologists/etc, etc talk to all my family members. They would talk to him and he A) wouldn't even hear it or B) leave the VA home and drink for a year straight, probably on the streets, or close to it.

I appreciate the ideas though, I'm just...I don't know. Feeling confused...

I feel like some of it is my fault.



_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#202978 - 02/01/08 01:49 AM Re: Dad Called... [Re: AndyJB2005]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
1. None of his problems are your fault.
2. If he really is a danger the VA is obligated to take action sometimes resulting in handing him over to something like a State Mental Institution.
3. This information that you carry can help persuade the VA toward the best action for his case. I'm not saying for them to help him or anything like that but to take action in protecting the public. Protecting you in a way also.

Thing is, the VA cannot keep him just for being an alcoholic or addict unless it is by court order but that is usually for a limitted period. Now if they find that he is a danger to himself or others by way of his mental state they have to do something. If he is a sociopath http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sociopath he will always be dangerous to someone. I mean for what I have written to encourage you. You do have power. You do what is right for you, at the very least know that you're not at fault.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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