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#2026 - 07/31/03 01:16 PM the father wound
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men:

i'll make this short. it won't be sweet. i am struggling with my father. i have not posted at this site for some time but i wanted to share this in order to feel better.

my father abandoned me from birth emotionally and most of my life physically. he is an addict, workaholic that i am sure of. for the last year he has been out of state. however, yesterday he returned to the town i live in and i have been hurting much.

the love of a child is an amazing thing. it truly is. even though he has hurt me greatly a part of me still wishes for a loving, caring father. that he will magically become this.

the child wants to believe that such a thing is posible. but, the man in me knows it is not. that i must accept him as he is and let go of the child's dream of a loving father.

letting go can be hard but it is the only healthy thing to do. this is a part of growing up, of healing. something that we so greatly deserve.

i will pray to my god and the universe for peace at this dificult time. to accept things we cannot change. yes, this is the only way. maybe i'll even shed a tear or two. what a wonderful thing that would be.

may our gods bless us all men. we could all use a blessing. sincerely,


bec \:\)


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#2027 - 07/31/03 02:12 PM Re: the father wound
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Amen, brother.

Or inshallah.

May we all find the healing love we want and need.

You touched my heart with your post. It is very
tender at this moment and so it hurt just a bit.

But I'm glad that I can feel today. And shed a few tears myself.

Thanks, bec.

Your brother,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#2028 - 07/31/03 06:45 PM Re: the father wound
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Bec
sometimes we have to be selfish, it's hard I know, but if you don't look after yourself - who will ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#2029 - 08/01/03 09:02 PM Re: the father wound
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
BEC - I waited and tried everything I knew to get my father's attention...never happened. I deeply wanted my dad's affirmation, love and relationship. In the year following his death, I was still trying to get that. My T and I realized, mentally. it wasn't going to happen. After some inner searching, I concluded I was seeking and begging my father to supply for me what I had to give myself - affirmation, "Howard you are a good person"..."Howard I am proud of you"..."Howard, you really count in this world"..."Howard you mean something to me". Instead of waiting for decades, I had on Dorothy's ruby red slippers. I had them all the time. I traveled the yellow brick road to Oz to find out I had the ability to affirm myself all along. As Dorothy said, "There's no place like home". I was focused on the wrong home...my past which was never going to come through for me. I looked at my children, my wife, my work...why depend so much on a dad who was never ever going give me what I needed because he didn't have it in himself to give it...to me nor to himself! I looked around me and, bec, I all ready was a good person! "I all ready counted in this world without him!

Sorry to drone on but it took me soooooooooooo long to settle what could have been a short search if I had the wisdom.

Hope this gave you some insights and help!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#2030 - 08/01/03 10:43 PM Re: the father wound
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
bec,

I am too the son of a father that was not there. He was and still is a drunk. He was either at work or the bar, until my mom threw him out. Then he decided it was easier to never see his 10 children again, than to not see them when he wanted to.

It was my search for a seregate father that left me here today.

About seven weeks ago, he suddenly needed his children when his wife was about to die from cancer. Some came, some did not. I suffered on whether to go or not. She died before I could come to a decision and I ran to this man, my father, to comfort him in his time of pain, even though he was never there for me. I spent three days with him, a sister spent two, most just showed up for the funeral. Three did not show up for various reasons.

I still depise this man that sired me, but I could not let a person in need suffer.

Only one of my siblings has come to terms with him, after a long stretch of therapy for seeking out men just like him. To the rest of us the wound is still very open to varying degrees.

Take care of yourself. He has choosen his fate, now he must live within it. He does not that the right to seek you out, nor do you have the obligation to go to him.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#2031 - 08/02/03 12:00 AM Re: the father wound
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Bec,

I would love to remake parts of my childhood. With your father back in town you might think this is your chance to have the father that you never had as a child. It is part of a child's make up to want to be loved and happy. When you father left you lsot a prt of your childhood forever. If you choice to have a relationship with your father now do know that it will probly never be the relationship that you want.


lots of love, Nathan


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#2032 - 08/06/03 02:08 AM Re: the father wound
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am most sorry that you have so much the abandonment by your father. I can relate of that. My own father, he was most abusive at our family. He leave us when I am ten years, and I do not see of him since then. I do not hear of him long time, although I hear from him three times in past two years, because he wants money of me.

I know that I can do nothing to change your father, or your emotions of him. I just wish you to know that your feelings are heard, and understood. I wish you well.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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