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#202312 - 01/29/08 01:24 PM Why I Never Told
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I was talking with my new T today and briefly discussed the conditions of understanding back in the 1970s and 80s in this country. I always maintained that there was no freaking way I was ever gonna let my secret get out. It would only end up in a total disaster.

Well, given the conditions back then, I can kind of stop beating myself up for not dealing with this before. I also remembered a quote from ScottyTodd that really blew my mind. If you think about this....WOW!!! Could it really have been true?

Quote:
When I started working in this recovery field (1988), there were NO STATS and more MH professionals DENIED/refused to believe childhood male sexual abuse was of any consequence OR doesn't happen. Have we come a long way!!!!!!!


If this was the case, I'm almost glad I never disclosed earlier.

Just something for the younger guys to be thankful for....that is a mental health culture where its OK to tell.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#202313 - 01/29/08 01:31 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
And this change did not come about through any government intervention, or Oprah, or charity foundation. It was just normal guys, survivors, who finally decided to tell their secrets. Some of them are the guys who started MS years ago.
Thanks guys.


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#202326 - 01/29/08 01:57 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Paul1959]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Robbie,

I didn't tell for 38 years; I couldn't, it just wasn't possible for me to do it. The first CSA happened to me in the Southwest in 1959 when I was 11. I was convinced that if I told I would be the one in trouble, no one would believe me, and I would be publicly shamed. There was so much fear in me; fear of 'liking it'; fear of my own sexuality; fear of being ostracized.

The MH professionals have advanced considerably. When I first disclosed, over ten years ago, I was so relieved; I finally told someone! They didn't hate me, my life didn't evaporate before my eyes. We survivors have some miraculous coping mechanisms that helped us all live long enough to seek help and heal. I am thankful every day that I've made it to this point in time.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#202336 - 01/29/08 02:38 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Stephen_5]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Rob, your fears were WELL FOUNDED. While I was being perped,I told my older brother and his friend. I mentioned it almost in passing, not because I was hurting to tell, more like, I just plain didn't like it and expressed that in the context of being talked into sucking this guys dick, etc. The consequence of this? They laughed and made fun of me! Oh, and they sealed my fate, I never spoke of it or tried to deal with it until 27 years later!

My current T and I both agree that this reaction by my brother and his friends to my initial disclosure did more harm than the abuse itself. This is why soon, very soon, I'm going to ask my brother and my parents to come into my T's office, and we're gonna take a stroll down memory lane and discuss what he did to me, as well as how my parents neglect allowed all this to happen in the first place. It's going to be an interesting day when this happens.


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#202350 - 01/29/08 03:27 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Hauser]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
I said to myself many many times that I'd never tell anyone. Didn't want anyone to know about things. Always afraid of what people would say or do. How they'd think about me.

I'm relating to you Hauser, I'm just beginning to feel the same way about my parents. Makes me wonder what would have happened if they had been paying attention and not letting me alone all the time. My wife always checks up on our son and where he is and what he's doing. Remembering what happened to me, I'm glad my wife keeps an eye on him. My mom was always absorbed in whatever it was that she was doing. I could and did spend hours and hours out of her supervision, but was never far enough away that she couldn't have easily found out.


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#202381 - 01/29/08 07:11 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: JustScott]
scotia1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 81
Yes things have come a long way. However, the truth is “the tip of the iceberg is miles below the surface”. If you get my drift! I believe (and am supported by a lot of stats) that CSA against males is as prevalent as CSA against females. Simply put, child abuse is child abuse, and it happens to little boys as often as little girls. Years back boys didn’t talk about such things for several reasons. Homophobia probably being one of the biggest reasons. Simply though, we are supposed to be tougher than girls and we wouldn’t be a “real man” if we complained about such things. Things they are a changin’ though, and it’s all because we have the guts to talk about it! Good job guys.

Scotia


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#202383 - 01/29/08 07:31 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: scotia1]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
In 1961 when I broke down and told my 5th grade nun why I was no longer being an altar boy it was a time when NO ONE would dare think a holy man of god could sexually abuse children.


My telling got me no where. I was told by the church board I was unbelievable and they did nothing to help me. So when I was sexually abuse by my English Teacher a few years later, did I tell? HELL NO why would I put myself though that again.

Time truly have changed. You will be believed now.

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#202390 - 01/29/08 08:11 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
PeaceSeeker Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/16/08
Posts: 11
I remember there were commercials, mid 80's, that tried to speak against abuse. They said something like, "If someone touches you, and it feels icky, say "NO!" and get out of there. Tell someone you trust!"

This commercial actually made me not want to tell ANYONE, EVER.

The problem was, I thought since the SA gave me physical pleasure, it must be my fault. I remember feeling so mad at myself, and wishing it had felt "icky" (whatever the hell that is), so that I could tell.

I seriously thought my parents would abandon me if they found out what happened and knew that I had felt good during it.

My male perp was an older boy at school...a couple years after it stopped, I actually told several classmates that he had forced me to "do stuff" with him. In order to build my case against him I also made up several things about him to turn as many as I could against him...I had spent 2 years constantly paranoid he'd do the same to me, even though it was HIM that coerced and abused me. It worked...it got so bad for him that he had to leave the school. However, this was another time of extreme guilt, because, even though it was him that forced me, I had been physically aroused, so wasn't the whole thing my fault? I still believe sometimes that it was, and become very angry at myself. I found out later that he raped two girls during high school.


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#202405 - 01/29/08 08:55 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: PeaceSeeker]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: scotia1
Years back boys didn’t talk about such things for several reasons. Homophobia probably being one of the biggest reasons. Simply though, we are supposed to be tougher than girls and we wouldn’t be a “real man” if we complained about such things...


...and we would not be "real boys" or "real men" if we "let that happen to us."

You know, just because the culture has shifted slightly in a direction of giving us license to talk about it, it does not necessarily mean that the general public is any more informed (or less ignorant) as they were in 1960. I actually think the gen public is just as ignorant today as they were then.

There are SO many members who will tell about dumb-ass reactions to disclosure like "you let them do WHAT to you."

It makes me ill. We need a national education effort on this just like we have with drunk driving and smoking.


_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#202409 - 01/29/08 09:08 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Tom? Holy SHIT man, you TOLD and they WHAT? Have you spoken to any of these people since about this since then?


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#202410 - 01/29/08 09:12 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
About a year or so after I first started dealing with the CSA I told one of my oldest friends, an old roomate from when we were both single. I told him that I had been sexually abused when I was eleven. His response was something on the order of "lucky for you". I never talked to him about it again. How could I tell someone who has that attitude that it was a guy that did it and I sure as hell didn't feel 'lucky'.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#202411 - 01/29/08 09:15 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Stephen_5]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Stephen_5
..."lucky for you"....


I give up!

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#202425 - 01/29/08 10:03 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
I remember trying to tell a friend about it when i was about 13 I think he started to figure out what i was going to say because he told me to be quiet, he didnt want to hear it. It took me a few more years before i brought it up again. I think my friend just wasn't mature enough to handle it back then. He knows about it now and has been a great source of comfort and encouragement. I think peoples initial reactions to learning that it happened to some one they care about may not truly reflect how they feel about the subject. But the shock of the knowledge can be a very hard thing to take in.


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#202432 - 01/29/08 10:21 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: theatrekid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rob,

I never told because I had been shamed and blamed into total silence. I felt worthless and utterly alone, and the abuser had convinced me that if I told my parents my Dad would throw me out and I would end up in the local orphanage.

The abuse ended because one evening the Scoutmaster walked in on the abuser about 20 seconds after he had finished with me and thrown me on the floor - kind of obvious. The guy who saved me comforted me and calmed me down (I was hysterical) and took me home, but when he said he would tell my parents for me I panicked and told him if he told I would kill myself. And I was serious.

My father and I discussed this in 2005 when I disclosed to him. At first he had been mightily pissed that his good friend hadn't told him, but when he calmed down he agreed that the Scoutmaster had been right. If he had told my Dad he would have gone straight out looking for the abuser to kill him, and if that had happened I would have grown up with my father in prison. And who would have believed the Scoutmaster, who was a factory worker, against the abuser, who was an executive in the same company? I would have been the lying boy with the dirty stories. How would that have affected me? The bottom line is this was 1963.

All this has changed now, and yes, because of the courage of survivors back in the 1980s. Guys were beginning to show up in therapy, and questionnaires sent out to survey women about CSA issues were coming back filled in by men.

It's thanks to those guys, including the founders of MS, that we have so much more support available to us now. And yes, it's up to us to take up the challenge in turn and make sure the work continues.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#202437 - 01/29/08 10:37 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: roadrunner]
Dude. Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 106
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
Rob,

I never told because I had been shamed and blamed into total silence. I felt worthless and utterly alone, and the abuser had convinced me that if I told my parents my Dad would throw me out and I would end up in the local orphanage.

The abuse ended because one evening the Scoutmaster walked in on the abuser about 20 seconds after he had finished with me and thrown me on the floor - kind of obvious. The guy who saved me comforted me and calmed me down (I was hysterical) and took me home, but when he said he would tell my parents for me I panicked and told him if he told I would kill myself. And I was serious.

My father and I discussed this in 2005 when I disclosed to him. At first he had been mightily pissed that his good friend hadn't told him, but when he calmed down he agreed that the Scoutmaster had been right. If he had told my Dad he would have gone straight out looking for the abuser to kill him, and if that had happened I would have grown up with my father in prison. And who would have believed the Scoutmaster, who was a factory worker, against the abuser, who was an executive in the same company? I would have been the lying boy with the dirty stories. How would that have affected me? The bottom line is this was 1963.

All this has changed now, and yes, because of the courage of survivors back in the 1980s. Guys were beginning to show up in therapy, and questionnaires sent out to survey women about CSA issues were coming back filled in by men.

It's thanks to those guys, including the founders of MS, that we have so much more support available to us now. And yes, it's up to us to take up the challenge in turn and make sure the work continues.

Much love,
Larry


Wow.

My mom walked up on the guy who molested me. You want to hear how fucked up this guy is? At the time, back in the early 70's, my Dad was a policeman.

My mom called my dad's supervisor, and they decided to not tell my dad, out of fear he would kill the guy. They also decided not to do anything about because I was so young. They didn't want to put me through that emotionally in court at that age.


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#202492 - 01/30/08 01:37 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Hauser]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I kept my secret for nearly 25 years . Because when I tried to report what had happened to my chain of command . I just got a responce of just get over it and go on. I was in the US Army at the time . The military was still trying to hide the facts that
there were sexual preditors in there ranks .
This is something that still affects me 30 years later . I dont think any one ever gets over being raped .

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#202511 - 01/30/08 06:41 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: OKIE MIKE]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Who Could I Tell???????????????????????Back in those days of no computers----------no internet---------------no connection-----------------espically----------------this happened im my ouw home------------------------------with my own brother-----------------------------------and my dad caught him-----------------so my parents knew--------------------nothing was done-----------------so i lived in my own fear------------------------who could i tell??who could i trust???????????????i was locked in my small little boy mind--------------trying to make sense out of this ------------------------what did i do wrong??????????????????was i that bad of a little boy??????????????????my isolation-------------------started way back then--------------the only saftey i knew---------------------as a scaerd defenseless little boy---------------------------still isolating to this day----------------------------------------Steve


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#202513 - 01/30/08 06:51 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Dude.]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dude,

Originally Posted By: Dude.
Wow.

My mom walked up on the guy who molested me. You want to hear how fucked up this guy is? At the time, back in the early 70's, my Dad was a policeman.

My mom called my dad's supervisor, and they decided to not tell my dad, out of fear he would kill the guy. They also decided not to do anything about because I was so young. They didn't want to put me through that emotionally in court at that age.


It's a powerful experience when we see that we aren't alone in what happened to us. I hope this helps you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#202520 - 01/30/08 07:51 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: roadrunner]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
It is amazing how the shame takes control of our minds after the abuse and trauma. I always tried to say things that would make my parents open their eyes and see what was happening, but they never caught on..or came to my rescue. I was always terrified of the thought of telling them or them finding out. It is strange how on one hand you wanted them to find out...to stop what was happening, but on the other you didn't.

You hope that people would be more compassionate and understanding, but sometimes I stand in utter amazement at how uncaring, stupid and cruel people can be. And, these are our friends and loved ones. Imagine what the others are like? I guess that is where the saying " With friends like these, who needs enemies" came from.

Larry, I found your comment about the orphanage interesting and I could certainly relate to it. When I was a child, if I did something wrong or was misbehaving, my parents would take some of my clothes and put them in a paper shopping bag and tell me they were going to take me the State home for children to live. I would stand at the door crying thinking I was going to be taken from my home. I look back and think what a cruel and sick thing to do to a child. No wonder I lived in fear of telling them what was going on...or if I wasn't successful at something, I hid it from them or lied.

Thanks for listening...

Dan


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#202535 - 01/30/08 08:46 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: DanM]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
I can't tell you how many times I've sat at work and just seethed in rage. Every time someone heres about a boy or even a young teen being molested by an older female. The guys here talk about how "he's lucky", "it's every guys dream" etc etc etc. There are times I just want to turn around and let them all have it. It wasn't anyone's "dream", he isn't "lucky". He's victimized and abused and probably feels like garbage. I certainly did. Out of all my abusers, the ones that were female were the ones that left the most devastation in my life. I've forgiven the male individuals. I've just recently discovered that I still have a huge amount of animosity towards the ladies.

I never told because I was too young to know it should be talked about. When I knew it was wrong, I was just shamed to say anything. Mom's good little boy had a dirty secret.


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#202540 - 01/30/08 09:14 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: JustScott]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Abuse is a abuse! It doesn't matter what gender the abuser is. I think society and entertainment/media industry present these warped images of what is acceptable and cool....it is ok to have an older woman seduce a young man. As a result, people make these crazy statements. If people only understood the pain and suffering that survivors experienced, they might think twice about what they say.


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#202553 - 01/30/08 10:21 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: DanM]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 70
Loc: MB, Canada
In my childhood, I was silent because to speak of it meant total abandonment, destruction of the family and death. In my teens, I never told because I was constantly stoned or drunk and I was creating the walls of denial that were my protection. When I sobered up, I intellectualized the pain to further my denial. I just accepted that I was damaged inside. By then, the talk show world was in full swing and I couldn't turn on the tv without seeing some sensationalized story of abuse. I would get so angry with anyone I saw talking about their abuse, because it was never about the abuse. It was usually someone who had done something very wrong, an abuser themselves, crying about how they were abused as a child. I remember once talking to the tv set with utter disdain and telling that person baring their soul that they were weak and quit using this as an excuse and just get over it. I'm guilty of being one of the insensitive and ignorant people that we have all come across. Secretly, I was angry at their strength for being able to talk about it at all. But, it made me think the world would see me as a vampire - I had been abused so therefore, I am programmed to repeat it. I did, however, tell two people during those years. Once was my girlfriend (who is still with me, God bless her) and one was my best friend (blurted out during a drunken discussion). I basically just said, "I was molested by my brother when I was a kid. I don't know what made him so screwed up to do that to me, but I'm over it and it wasn't my fault." Even in telling I was lying and denying. So I kept it away from myself and the world. Until now.


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#202554 - 01/30/08 10:34 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Minute2Minute]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i'm just beginning to get glimpses into that dark unremembered past. but already i have the overwhelming weight of utter humiliation. i'm certain my first perp used humiliation as his weapon to keep me silent.

m


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#202555 - 01/30/08 10:40 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
We need a national education effort on this just like we have with drunk driving and smoking.



Rob I agree with you 1000%.

I am trying to start that effort with the Report to Congress I have been working on. If we get to the national and state legislatures we can change the laws to educate the public and provide the funding for resources for the HEALING we need. Working together we can change the world.



_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#202556 - 01/30/08 10:43 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: MarkK]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I was 6 or 7 when my older brother began SA'ing me. I do remember that I didn't even know what sex was yet. He was so mean to me and would come in my room night after night to abuse me. I do remember on 2 occasions I ran downstairs crying to my mom.

But the SA didn't stop. I just think I knew in my own little mind that either this abuse was just normal or that my mom didn't care about how her precious older son was abusing his little brother.

I knew my family would never understand or believe me. And even now when this SA does come out, they still will not believe me. I have not confronted my bro. yet, but I will and then as the saying goes, "the shit will hit the fan"

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#202575 - 01/30/08 12:29 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Minute2Minute]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Minute2Minute
Secretly, I was angry at their strength for being able to talk about it at all. But, it made me think the world would see me as a vampire - I had been abused so therefore, I am programmed to repeat it.


Aother huge aspect to our lives. Well put!

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#203178 - 02/02/08 12:08 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: JustScott]
arronb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Perth
Hello all
I'm new here ... gotta say I am feeling overwhelmed to finally found a place where so many of my feelings are reflected in the posts.

As to not telling ...
Well I told my father & he beat the crap outta me, I eventually told my brother & he continued the abuse.
I never told another soul until I sort help some 20 yrs later.

_________________________
Keep Smilin'
arronb

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#203180 - 02/02/08 12:25 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: arronb]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
WELCOME Arronb!

Very sorry that happened to you...Very sorry you even needed to look for this site....very glad you found us. There's a ton of understanding here. No one here will beat you up for disclosing anything.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#203448 - 02/04/08 12:12 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Glad you found us, Aaronb! This is the place that you may never feel alone, isolated, weird or unusual because of your past! I can understand the hurt of telling your parents/family only to get beat and the abuse to continue by others. That's what happened to me! They made me feel that it must have been my doing, my mistake that caused the abuse. It affected me seeing myself as a bad...sexual...kid. Of course that was not true and never was!! My parents, right up until the time they died either ignored, denied or blamed me for whatever took place as a kid! After years of therapy and recovery, that's all in the past!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#203458 - 02/04/08 02:08 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: JustScott]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
When I finaly was forced to deal with being raped .I ended up in the psyc ward of the Oklahoma City VA Hospital for 15 days .
My Father came from California to be with me after I was released . We took a drive to Arkansas . , We stoped at a local small town dinner. and we talked about what had happened . While I was in the service. My father is a very easy going type of person that likes people . Telling him was something that hurt him deeply .
He did not say any thing for a while . But his face began to turn red and tears ran down his cheak . This is the only time that I ever saw him cry . Then he became angry . Not at me , But at the system that had failed to prosicute the criminal in 1977.
I wish that I could close the Pandoras box that was opened when the represed memorys came back . Something in me was destroyed that day .I have not bean the same person , sence haveing the break down I ended up loosing my job as an automotive technician . Because I could no longer keep my mind on what I was doing .I started to fuck up and was getting call backs
Because the only thing that I have ben able to focus on is finding the SOB, and getting my day in court . or at least five minutes alone with him
I wish that I could have my life back . I enjoyd being able to fix broken things .To see them working again gave me satisfaction
But I do not know how to fix a broken soul

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#206539 - 02/21/08 02:43 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: OKIE MIKE]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

After reading the stories, and remembering how my first T (to use the term loosely) minimized what little I could say, my concern was simply that no matter what I said, it wouldn't be understood, and that to admit being abused was disgraceful. Wasn't it bad enough that I couldn't stop my classmates from beating me up? Or that no one gave a shit what happened to me anyway?

Ed


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#206666 - 02/21/08 10:56 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Hauser]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Well,

I lost my father at 5. However, that didn't make the hugest difference because he didn't pay too much attention to me anyway (A--HOLE). Anyway, that pattern didn't stray too far with the rest of the family neither. However, two individuals in my life actually spent time talking to me. It was great. Someone actually acknowledged I was there. I felt so loved. They bought me candy, let me stay up late.....let me watch R movies,.....let me look at porn.... and then, eventually Sexual abused me. This was my brother and my dad's best friend growing up.

I never told because I was affraid to loose the little (so called) affection I was getting. I tolerated it and kept my mouth shut so that I wouldn't loose that feeling of belonging to something. However, what I tolerated opened a whole new can of whoop a-s in my life. I was in for it anyway and then the CSA came along. Talk about being dealt a shitty hand. OK, time to go write this out on paper. I'm getting pissed. I love getting these layers of ANGER OUT! RRRRRRRRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!No wonder why I tried so hard to make people love me.

I think I'm going to go lift some weights or run or something. It's good to vent in a positive way.

Jason



Edited by endlessjourney (02/21/08 10:59 PM)
_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#206676 - 02/21/08 11:43 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: endlessjourney]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
I don't think at the time I would have known it was abuse. I didn't want to do what was done, but once it started I became a participant. I see now in retrospect how bad it screwed up things for me. Either way, I somehow repressed the memories for 5 years.

Once I recalled what happened, well I just sort of went nuts. I couldn't take it. I remembered in 1991. In 1995 I tried to talk about my past with my family during a car ride. I had tears coming out if my eyes when I said I needed to talk about something. My mom discounted the whole thing, basically telling me she knew what was wrong and that it was okay and there was no need to talk. To this day I have no idea what she thought I had to say, and I know darn well if I bring this up she will say she doesn't remember or that it didn't happen.

Finally spoke to a therapist in 1997. Got involved with another (had moved) in 1998. But despite the things I spoke about, no one probed with deeper questions that would have allowed me to see this as abuse, and not my fault.

Got back into therapy in the later half 2005. This time insisted I tell the story like it was as to how things happened. Have begun to accept this as abuse and see that I did not deserve the trauma and problems it has created for me.

Still a long road ahead, but hope to stay on it. Dang this stuff hurts, but what else can you do than try and heal and grow? I am still pissed off that this happened, and am a long way from that place of acceptance, knowing I can't take back what happened to me so long ago. I am hoping I get there in time, and that while I am on that journey that I take care of myself and enjoy the good days and learn from the bad.

Maybe I should just keep reminding myself that I didn't deserve this and never wanted this, and it isn't my responsibility to own all the hurt and pain it has caused me. But I really turned into sort of a piece of crap after all this and the guilt and shame over those years and behaviors makes it hard for me to let go of the guilt and shame I never deserved. Basically I was a happy and smart kid before the abuse and all the other crap in my life that I Never Asked For(!!!) seemed to help turn me into a piece of crap (though that good kid was still there and struggling to survive even through all the crap and troubles).

Ok, this turned into a little tangent, but I think I may have needed that.


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#206683 - 02/22/08 12:07 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: ericc]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Well I don't think or believe your a piece of crap. I think you a great guy who had some lousy experiences.


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#206684 - 02/22/08 12:18 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Freedom49]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Thanks Roger.

I know that deep down that isn't the case. But I just wanted to reflect the feelings that come up sometimes. It is getting better I think, or at least I am going to keep at it until it does. I did sort of turn into a person I would have not wanted to be, but I can say without reservation that who I became, and the life I was living would not have been what I wanted in a million years. I was a really hurt person who had no idea how to deal with all the crap/issues that were going on in his life. So I suppose I do deserve a bit of a break in that area.


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