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#206539 - 02/21/08 02:43 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: OKIE MIKE]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

After reading the stories, and remembering how my first T (to use the term loosely) minimized what little I could say, my concern was simply that no matter what I said, it wouldn't be understood, and that to admit being abused was disgraceful. Wasn't it bad enough that I couldn't stop my classmates from beating me up? Or that no one gave a shit what happened to me anyway?

Ed


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#206666 - 02/21/08 10:56 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Hauser]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Well,

I lost my father at 5. However, that didn't make the hugest difference because he didn't pay too much attention to me anyway (A--HOLE). Anyway, that pattern didn't stray too far with the rest of the family neither. However, two individuals in my life actually spent time talking to me. It was great. Someone actually acknowledged I was there. I felt so loved. They bought me candy, let me stay up late.....let me watch R movies,.....let me look at porn.... and then, eventually Sexual abused me. This was my brother and my dad's best friend growing up.

I never told because I was affraid to loose the little (so called) affection I was getting. I tolerated it and kept my mouth shut so that I wouldn't loose that feeling of belonging to something. However, what I tolerated opened a whole new can of whoop a-s in my life. I was in for it anyway and then the CSA came along. Talk about being dealt a shitty hand. OK, time to go write this out on paper. I'm getting pissed. I love getting these layers of ANGER OUT! RRRRRRRRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!No wonder why I tried so hard to make people love me.

I think I'm going to go lift some weights or run or something. It's good to vent in a positive way.

Jason



Edited by endlessjourney (02/21/08 10:59 PM)
_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#206676 - 02/21/08 11:43 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: endlessjourney]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
I don't think at the time I would have known it was abuse. I didn't want to do what was done, but once it started I became a participant. I see now in retrospect how bad it screwed up things for me. Either way, I somehow repressed the memories for 5 years.

Once I recalled what happened, well I just sort of went nuts. I couldn't take it. I remembered in 1991. In 1995 I tried to talk about my past with my family during a car ride. I had tears coming out if my eyes when I said I needed to talk about something. My mom discounted the whole thing, basically telling me she knew what was wrong and that it was okay and there was no need to talk. To this day I have no idea what she thought I had to say, and I know darn well if I bring this up she will say she doesn't remember or that it didn't happen.

Finally spoke to a therapist in 1997. Got involved with another (had moved) in 1998. But despite the things I spoke about, no one probed with deeper questions that would have allowed me to see this as abuse, and not my fault.

Got back into therapy in the later half 2005. This time insisted I tell the story like it was as to how things happened. Have begun to accept this as abuse and see that I did not deserve the trauma and problems it has created for me.

Still a long road ahead, but hope to stay on it. Dang this stuff hurts, but what else can you do than try and heal and grow? I am still pissed off that this happened, and am a long way from that place of acceptance, knowing I can't take back what happened to me so long ago. I am hoping I get there in time, and that while I am on that journey that I take care of myself and enjoy the good days and learn from the bad.

Maybe I should just keep reminding myself that I didn't deserve this and never wanted this, and it isn't my responsibility to own all the hurt and pain it has caused me. But I really turned into sort of a piece of crap after all this and the guilt and shame over those years and behaviors makes it hard for me to let go of the guilt and shame I never deserved. Basically I was a happy and smart kid before the abuse and all the other crap in my life that I Never Asked For(!!!) seemed to help turn me into a piece of crap (though that good kid was still there and struggling to survive even through all the crap and troubles).

Ok, this turned into a little tangent, but I think I may have needed that.


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#206683 - 02/22/08 12:07 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: ericc]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Well I don't think or believe your a piece of crap. I think you a great guy who had some lousy experiences.


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#206684 - 02/22/08 12:18 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Freedom49]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Thanks Roger.

I know that deep down that isn't the case. But I just wanted to reflect the feelings that come up sometimes. It is getting better I think, or at least I am going to keep at it until it does. I did sort of turn into a person I would have not wanted to be, but I can say without reservation that who I became, and the life I was living would not have been what I wanted in a million years. I was a really hurt person who had no idea how to deal with all the crap/issues that were going on in his life. So I suppose I do deserve a bit of a break in that area.


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