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#202410 - 01/29/08 09:12 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
About a year or so after I first started dealing with the CSA I told one of my oldest friends, an old roomate from when we were both single. I told him that I had been sexually abused when I was eleven. His response was something on the order of "lucky for you". I never talked to him about it again. How could I tell someone who has that attitude that it was a guy that did it and I sure as hell didn't feel 'lucky'.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#202411 - 01/29/08 09:15 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Stephen_5]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Stephen_5
..."lucky for you"....


I give up!

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#202425 - 01/29/08 10:03 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
I remember trying to tell a friend about it when i was about 13 I think he started to figure out what i was going to say because he told me to be quiet, he didnt want to hear it. It took me a few more years before i brought it up again. I think my friend just wasn't mature enough to handle it back then. He knows about it now and has been a great source of comfort and encouragement. I think peoples initial reactions to learning that it happened to some one they care about may not truly reflect how they feel about the subject. But the shock of the knowledge can be a very hard thing to take in.


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#202432 - 01/29/08 10:21 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: theatrekid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rob,

I never told because I had been shamed and blamed into total silence. I felt worthless and utterly alone, and the abuser had convinced me that if I told my parents my Dad would throw me out and I would end up in the local orphanage.

The abuse ended because one evening the Scoutmaster walked in on the abuser about 20 seconds after he had finished with me and thrown me on the floor - kind of obvious. The guy who saved me comforted me and calmed me down (I was hysterical) and took me home, but when he said he would tell my parents for me I panicked and told him if he told I would kill myself. And I was serious.

My father and I discussed this in 2005 when I disclosed to him. At first he had been mightily pissed that his good friend hadn't told him, but when he calmed down he agreed that the Scoutmaster had been right. If he had told my Dad he would have gone straight out looking for the abuser to kill him, and if that had happened I would have grown up with my father in prison. And who would have believed the Scoutmaster, who was a factory worker, against the abuser, who was an executive in the same company? I would have been the lying boy with the dirty stories. How would that have affected me? The bottom line is this was 1963.

All this has changed now, and yes, because of the courage of survivors back in the 1980s. Guys were beginning to show up in therapy, and questionnaires sent out to survey women about CSA issues were coming back filled in by men.

It's thanks to those guys, including the founders of MS, that we have so much more support available to us now. And yes, it's up to us to take up the challenge in turn and make sure the work continues.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#202437 - 01/29/08 10:37 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: roadrunner]
Dude. Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 106
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
Rob,

I never told because I had been shamed and blamed into total silence. I felt worthless and utterly alone, and the abuser had convinced me that if I told my parents my Dad would throw me out and I would end up in the local orphanage.

The abuse ended because one evening the Scoutmaster walked in on the abuser about 20 seconds after he had finished with me and thrown me on the floor - kind of obvious. The guy who saved me comforted me and calmed me down (I was hysterical) and took me home, but when he said he would tell my parents for me I panicked and told him if he told I would kill myself. And I was serious.

My father and I discussed this in 2005 when I disclosed to him. At first he had been mightily pissed that his good friend hadn't told him, but when he calmed down he agreed that the Scoutmaster had been right. If he had told my Dad he would have gone straight out looking for the abuser to kill him, and if that had happened I would have grown up with my father in prison. And who would have believed the Scoutmaster, who was a factory worker, against the abuser, who was an executive in the same company? I would have been the lying boy with the dirty stories. How would that have affected me? The bottom line is this was 1963.

All this has changed now, and yes, because of the courage of survivors back in the 1980s. Guys were beginning to show up in therapy, and questionnaires sent out to survey women about CSA issues were coming back filled in by men.

It's thanks to those guys, including the founders of MS, that we have so much more support available to us now. And yes, it's up to us to take up the challenge in turn and make sure the work continues.

Much love,
Larry


Wow.

My mom walked up on the guy who molested me. You want to hear how fucked up this guy is? At the time, back in the early 70's, my Dad was a policeman.

My mom called my dad's supervisor, and they decided to not tell my dad, out of fear he would kill the guy. They also decided not to do anything about because I was so young. They didn't want to put me through that emotionally in court at that age.


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#202492 - 01/30/08 01:37 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Hauser]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
I kept my secret for nearly 25 years . Because when I tried to report what had happened to my chain of command . I just got a responce of just get over it and go on. I was in the US Army at the time . The military was still trying to hide the facts that
there were sexual preditors in there ranks .
This is something that still affects me 30 years later . I dont think any one ever gets over being raped .

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#202511 - 01/30/08 06:41 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: OKIE MIKE]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Who Could I Tell???????????????????????Back in those days of no computers----------no internet---------------no connection-----------------espically----------------this happened im my ouw home------------------------------with my own brother-----------------------------------and my dad caught him-----------------so my parents knew--------------------nothing was done-----------------so i lived in my own fear------------------------who could i tell??who could i trust???????????????i was locked in my small little boy mind--------------trying to make sense out of this ------------------------what did i do wrong??????????????????was i that bad of a little boy??????????????????my isolation-------------------started way back then--------------the only saftey i knew---------------------as a scaerd defenseless little boy---------------------------still isolating to this day----------------------------------------Steve


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#202513 - 01/30/08 06:51 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Dude.]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dude,

Originally Posted By: Dude.
Wow.

My mom walked up on the guy who molested me. You want to hear how fucked up this guy is? At the time, back in the early 70's, my Dad was a policeman.

My mom called my dad's supervisor, and they decided to not tell my dad, out of fear he would kill the guy. They also decided not to do anything about because I was so young. They didn't want to put me through that emotionally in court at that age.


It's a powerful experience when we see that we aren't alone in what happened to us. I hope this helps you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#202520 - 01/30/08 07:51 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: roadrunner]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
It is amazing how the shame takes control of our minds after the abuse and trauma. I always tried to say things that would make my parents open their eyes and see what was happening, but they never caught on..or came to my rescue. I was always terrified of the thought of telling them or them finding out. It is strange how on one hand you wanted them to find out...to stop what was happening, but on the other you didn't.

You hope that people would be more compassionate and understanding, but sometimes I stand in utter amazement at how uncaring, stupid and cruel people can be. And, these are our friends and loved ones. Imagine what the others are like? I guess that is where the saying " With friends like these, who needs enemies" came from.

Larry, I found your comment about the orphanage interesting and I could certainly relate to it. When I was a child, if I did something wrong or was misbehaving, my parents would take some of my clothes and put them in a paper shopping bag and tell me they were going to take me the State home for children to live. I would stand at the door crying thinking I was going to be taken from my home. I look back and think what a cruel and sick thing to do to a child. No wonder I lived in fear of telling them what was going on...or if I wasn't successful at something, I hid it from them or lied.

Thanks for listening...

Dan


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#202535 - 01/30/08 08:46 AM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: DanM]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
I can't tell you how many times I've sat at work and just seethed in rage. Every time someone heres about a boy or even a young teen being molested by an older female. The guys here talk about how "he's lucky", "it's every guys dream" etc etc etc. There are times I just want to turn around and let them all have it. It wasn't anyone's "dream", he isn't "lucky". He's victimized and abused and probably feels like garbage. I certainly did. Out of all my abusers, the ones that were female were the ones that left the most devastation in my life. I've forgiven the male individuals. I've just recently discovered that I still have a huge amount of animosity towards the ladies.

I never told because I was too young to know it should be talked about. When I knew it was wrong, I was just shamed to say anything. Mom's good little boy had a dirty secret.


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