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#202312 - 01/29/08 01:24 PM Why I Never Told
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I was talking with my new T today and briefly discussed the conditions of understanding back in the 1970s and 80s in this country. I always maintained that there was no freaking way I was ever gonna let my secret get out. It would only end up in a total disaster.

Well, given the conditions back then, I can kind of stop beating myself up for not dealing with this before. I also remembered a quote from ScottyTodd that really blew my mind. If you think about this....WOW!!! Could it really have been true?

Quote:
When I started working in this recovery field (1988), there were NO STATS and more MH professionals DENIED/refused to believe childhood male sexual abuse was of any consequence OR doesn't happen. Have we come a long way!!!!!!!


If this was the case, I'm almost glad I never disclosed earlier.

Just something for the younger guys to be thankful for....that is a mental health culture where its OK to tell.

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#202313 - 01/29/08 01:31 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
And this change did not come about through any government intervention, or Oprah, or charity foundation. It was just normal guys, survivors, who finally decided to tell their secrets. Some of them are the guys who started MS years ago.
Thanks guys.


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#202326 - 01/29/08 01:57 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Paul1959]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Robbie,

I didn't tell for 38 years; I couldn't, it just wasn't possible for me to do it. The first CSA happened to me in the Southwest in 1959 when I was 11. I was convinced that if I told I would be the one in trouble, no one would believe me, and I would be publicly shamed. There was so much fear in me; fear of 'liking it'; fear of my own sexuality; fear of being ostracized.

The MH professionals have advanced considerably. When I first disclosed, over ten years ago, I was so relieved; I finally told someone! They didn't hate me, my life didn't evaporate before my eyes. We survivors have some miraculous coping mechanisms that helped us all live long enough to seek help and heal. I am thankful every day that I've made it to this point in time.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

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#202336 - 01/29/08 02:38 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Stephen_5]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Rob, your fears were WELL FOUNDED. While I was being perped,I told my older brother and his friend. I mentioned it almost in passing, not because I was hurting to tell, more like, I just plain didn't like it and expressed that in the context of being talked into sucking this guys dick, etc. The consequence of this? They laughed and made fun of me! Oh, and they sealed my fate, I never spoke of it or tried to deal with it until 27 years later!

My current T and I both agree that this reaction by my brother and his friends to my initial disclosure did more harm than the abuse itself. This is why soon, very soon, I'm going to ask my brother and my parents to come into my T's office, and we're gonna take a stroll down memory lane and discuss what he did to me, as well as how my parents neglect allowed all this to happen in the first place. It's going to be an interesting day when this happens.


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#202350 - 01/29/08 03:27 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Hauser]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
I said to myself many many times that I'd never tell anyone. Didn't want anyone to know about things. Always afraid of what people would say or do. How they'd think about me.

I'm relating to you Hauser, I'm just beginning to feel the same way about my parents. Makes me wonder what would have happened if they had been paying attention and not letting me alone all the time. My wife always checks up on our son and where he is and what he's doing. Remembering what happened to me, I'm glad my wife keeps an eye on him. My mom was always absorbed in whatever it was that she was doing. I could and did spend hours and hours out of her supervision, but was never far enough away that she couldn't have easily found out.


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#202381 - 01/29/08 07:11 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: JustScott]
scotia1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 81
Yes things have come a long way. However, the truth is “the tip of the iceberg is miles below the surface”. If you get my drift! I believe (and am supported by a lot of stats) that CSA against males is as prevalent as CSA against females. Simply put, child abuse is child abuse, and it happens to little boys as often as little girls. Years back boys didn’t talk about such things for several reasons. Homophobia probably being one of the biggest reasons. Simply though, we are supposed to be tougher than girls and we wouldn’t be a “real man” if we complained about such things. Things they are a changin’ though, and it’s all because we have the guts to talk about it! Good job guys.

Scotia


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#202383 - 01/29/08 07:31 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: scotia1]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
In 1961 when I broke down and told my 5th grade nun why I was no longer being an altar boy it was a time when NO ONE would dare think a holy man of god could sexually abuse children.


My telling got me no where. I was told by the church board I was unbelievable and they did nothing to help me. So when I was sexually abuse by my English Teacher a few years later, did I tell? HELL NO why would I put myself though that again.

Time truly have changed. You will be believed now.

Tom

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#202390 - 01/29/08 08:11 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
PeaceSeeker Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/16/08
Posts: 11
I remember there were commercials, mid 80's, that tried to speak against abuse. They said something like, "If someone touches you, and it feels icky, say "NO!" and get out of there. Tell someone you trust!"

This commercial actually made me not want to tell ANYONE, EVER.

The problem was, I thought since the SA gave me physical pleasure, it must be my fault. I remember feeling so mad at myself, and wishing it had felt "icky" (whatever the hell that is), so that I could tell.

I seriously thought my parents would abandon me if they found out what happened and knew that I had felt good during it.

My male perp was an older boy at school...a couple years after it stopped, I actually told several classmates that he had forced me to "do stuff" with him. In order to build my case against him I also made up several things about him to turn as many as I could against him...I had spent 2 years constantly paranoid he'd do the same to me, even though it was HIM that coerced and abused me. It worked...it got so bad for him that he had to leave the school. However, this was another time of extreme guilt, because, even though it was him that forced me, I had been physically aroused, so wasn't the whole thing my fault? I still believe sometimes that it was, and become very angry at myself. I found out later that he raped two girls during high school.


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#202405 - 01/29/08 08:55 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: PeaceSeeker]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: scotia1
Years back boys didn’t talk about such things for several reasons. Homophobia probably being one of the biggest reasons. Simply though, we are supposed to be tougher than girls and we wouldn’t be a “real man” if we complained about such things...


...and we would not be "real boys" or "real men" if we "let that happen to us."

You know, just because the culture has shifted slightly in a direction of giving us license to talk about it, it does not necessarily mean that the general public is any more informed (or less ignorant) as they were in 1960. I actually think the gen public is just as ignorant today as they were then.

There are SO many members who will tell about dumb-ass reactions to disclosure like "you let them do WHAT to you."

It makes me ill. We need a national education effort on this just like we have with drunk driving and smoking.


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#202409 - 01/29/08 09:08 PM Re: Why I Never Told [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Tom? Holy SHIT man, you TOLD and they WHAT? Have you spoken to any of these people since about this since then?


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