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#202023 - 01/28/08 11:33 AM Too scared to talk to a T
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I finally went to see my physician last week. I showed him the recent scars from my self-harm, and we discussed my current mental state. Of course, when he asked if there was anything else he should know I froze up and didn't say a word about the CSA. He has prescribed an antidepressant and suggested that I talk to a T.

I know I need to talk to a T, but I'm having a hard time fighting my fear and I have not been able to talk to one yet.

I'm wondering how many of you started seeing a T after you were aware of the CSA and how hard was it to go that first time?

Do you have any suggestions or observations that might make this easier for me?

Thanks,

Scott


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#202025 - 01/28/08 11:38 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Scott, it was hard at first I almost passed out the first time. It gets easier, Better. and very helpful. Please do go get a good T and follow his guidence. you won't regret it.

Roger


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#202032 - 01/28/08 11:51 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: Freedom49]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scott,

I was terrified the first time I went to see my T. Like most guys new to therapy, I had in mind that we would sit down and the T would say something like, "Right, so why did you let him fuck you all those years?"

It wasn't that way at all. Remember that the T is a pro and knows what he or she is doing. It may well be that you won't discuss anything directly linked to the CSA for quite some time. The T knows how important it is for you to feel safe and build up some trust before you can really talk about things, so that will have to come first.

Bear in mind too that at any time you can say, "I don't feel comfortable about this yet" and ask to talk about something else. The T is there to give you professional support and guidance, but it's YOUR recovery.

I suspect that lots of other guys will say similar things to you, but hey, it is rough going that first time. All I will say is that eventually, going for my T appointment was a highlight of my week. I learned so much and it did me a world of good.

I really recommend that you go ahead and do this, no matter how uncomfortable you feel about it at the moment. If you can, keep talking about it here so others can encourage and support you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#202039 - 01/28/08 12:29 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: roadrunner]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Scott,

I always 'knew' about the CSA but I remembered about it from an eleven year old's point of view, e.g., it was all my fault; if anyone knew I'd be in trouble; etc. This kept me in fear for way too long, over 38 years.

I went to see a therapist after seeing a physician too. It was scarey at first. I called four, went to one before I found the one that started me on the road to recovery. Read the link about finding a therapist on the home page, it's very helpful. My expectations were that once I told somebody (a therapist) I'd talk to him a couple of weeks and then I'd be all better. It doesn't quite happen that way. Looking back at the ten years since I started dealing with the CSA I've come an enormous distance. It isn't easy to face these personal demons but once you shine the light of day on them they aren't so frightening at all.

Take good care of yourself, you've got a lot of support here from your brothers who have traveled the same road you're starting down.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#202042 - 01/28/08 01:09 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: roadrunner]
Minute2Minute Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 67
Loc: MB, Canada
Scott,
By coming here you have already faced your fear. You've already realized that how you feel and the things that you have done to yourself because of those feelings are a product of your CSA. You realize that you needed to ask for help. That is a HUGE accomplishment. The hardest thing for me was finally accept that I couldn't deal with this alone and I couldn't keep the secrets anymore. Those secrets aren't yours to keep. I was so frightened about opening up to anyone, but once I started, I found that I couldn't shut up about it. For me, even though I was deathly afraid of talking about it, the fear of continuing to do what I was doing to myself was worse. I basically had to just say "To hell with it" and I risked everything and I told. There ARE people who won't run away or judge you about the things that were done to you. There ARE people who care and understand. A therapist really can provide you a safe place to discuss the things that have kept you silent and they are there to help YOU.

I really just wanted to caution you about taking anti-depressants without seeing a therapist. Ten years ago, I emotionally bottomed out and was suicidal. At that time in my life, I hadn't faced the impact of my childhood trauma. I started taking anti-depressants and didn't talk to a T. Yes, I had blocked out much of my childhood, but I'm sure that if I had started therapy for my depression it likely would have come out and I would have been able to deal with it then. However, with the pills I started to "feel" better so I didn't have to deal with anything. Unfortunately, 10 years later, it came back a thousand times worse. The pills numbed the pain, but they never healed the wounds. You don't have to spill out everything all at once, but a T will help you feel safe enough to be able to start opening up.

I've also found that talking here has been a HUGE help. The people here understand, legitimately care, don't judge, and will encourage and support you as you take this journey. I have only had two sessions with my T, so I still have trouble discussing a number of things. But I'm trying. By coming here, you're trying too, and that takes courage and strength that you may not be giving yourself credit for.

But yes, it's scary as hell the first time, and the second time, and I'm guessing the third time will be too. But I think that fear will lessen and you WILL get better.

Take care of you


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#202043 - 01/28/08 01:10 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Scott,
It was very difficult for me at first.
In fact, it took me a more than a few sessions to even mention it to my therapist.
Sometimes the words just didn't come out. So i opted to not talk about it at first. And I think that was ok.
I think the anti depressant will help you. Those things take a while to take effect, so you might feel somewhat differently about this after say, a couple of weeks.
Congratulations on taking the first steps to recovery.
I wish you the best.
Raul

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#202057 - 01/28/08 02:24 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: Stephen_5]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Scott,

back in 2001 my doc got so worried about my stress level that he made me go see a T and put me on antideppressants too (he knew nothing of the abuse at that time)- took me a while to open up to the T and actualy tell him about the abuse (many months) (actualy it was him that gently led me to telling him about it) - I had to feel safe with him first before i could tell him that stuff - but in time i did open up to him - I hope that it works that way for you too...

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#202088 - 01/28/08 07:29 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: TJ jeff]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
my life was a mess-i was desperate--------i didnt care any more-------------------so when i went to my first visit---------------i just rambled on--------------i knew i needed help----------------and was ready for it---------------steve


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#202097 - 01/28/08 07:49 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: sabata]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
All I can add to the above is that in my 40 something years of on again off again therapy, I have never regretted going. I always figured they know a little about their chosen profession and I swore it would be 'all the truth and nothing but the truth' at my very first session. Nothing else could possibly provide positive results. In other words, IF they knew what they were talking about, and IF I told them the whole true story, they might be able to help me.

If you can't talk to you T, who CAN you talk to, right? Tell them everything, and you might discover something yourself.

Respectfully submitted,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#202099 - 01/28/08 08:32 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I have worked with therapist off and on over the years. I was scared of them but I wanted them to fix me. I didn't think the csa was a big deal
I didn't ever tell anyone ever what happened to me, out of fear my abusers would find out and hurt me.
I always thought my depression was the issue not the abuse.

25 years later I finally opened up to my last therapist, and that took 2 years before I trusted her enough to lay the whole deal on her.

It was a very empowering experience.
To finally know the truth, and that all I was feeling and believing in was a lie. To know that it was not my fault and that I did nothing wrong and I did not have to feel guilty or shameful for what happened. To know I was groomed and tricked. Manipulated like a puppet to do the bidding of abusers. I was threatened and coerced. I was never really a willing participant in the abuse.

This new information changed my life, along with the support of this site.
I understand your fear, your not alone in this and know that a therapist is someone trying to help you/ us.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#202105 - 01/28/08 08:56 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: GateKPR4]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Scott,

Man, I feel for you. I remember well the fear of seeing a T. I was very aware of the csa for quite a few years before I finely went to see a T. I remember that day well. At this time, I'll only say that the reason I went then was because I had completely exhausted all other options. I could go see a T or I could die, that simple. Even then I was too frightened to go by myself and refused to go unless my wife would go with me.

So you hang in there and remember that you have a whole lot of us here that are in your corner.

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#202130 - 01/28/08 10:24 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: GateKPR4]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Like the above posts, I too was scared on my first visit to my T. I felt comfortable almost immediately because he just wanted to listen to me. The first visit he never picked up his pen or turned on his computer. He just listened as a friend to me ramble on and on.

At the end of the appt. he said that he wanted to help me and if I trusted him he wanted to see me again. He has been my only rock. He has helped me more than any one else.

I hope you find a T as good as mine. Finding a T that you can trust is the most important in my mind.

Good luck and you will prevail

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#202160 - 01/28/08 11:10 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Scott the night before my first T appointment i was a nervous wreck. I was so scared. thousands of thoughts went through my mind what if he doesn't help? what if he isn't good? what if he takes advantage of me? or worse i wondered what if i break down or go crazy during a session with him? all kinds of things were racing through my head. The next day i went, more than a little nervous to his little office. It was a great environment in a pretty part of town with a fantastic coffee shop next door i stopped and got a drink and then walked to his office.

6 months later i am a new person all of those fears of mine were misplaced. It helped me so much, i am willing to bet if you give it a try it will help you to.

christopher


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#202189 - 01/28/08 11:39 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: theatrekid]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Every time I seriously consider finding one, I convince myself that I'm fine and everything's great, and what am I complaining about?

Then, when I'm really feeling hurt, I tell myself I'll get around to it when I feel better...


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#202228 - 01/29/08 06:07 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: MemoryVault]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Scott,

It took me many tries to actually make it into a therapist's office for the first time. I simply wasn't ready. When I finally did go, it was among the most awkward and difficult things I've ever done.

Like many others have said here, Therapy can be an essential part of healing and in my opinion the search for a good therapist is a worthwhile search. Therapy for me, recently, has become a very rewarding experience that is very much worth the while.

To make things a little easier on yourself, armor up with a little knowledge before calling around to talk to therapists in your area. Have a look at Ken Singer's "Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping" which will give you a good idea of what to look for in a therapist.

One last thing I'll mention before I sign off here. When I was calling around town to various therapist's offices, I talked to a lot of receptionists. Every so often, however, the therapist would answer his or her own phone! This gave me a chance to do a little investigating over the phone for how they worked and their principles. The reason I chose the therapist I am now working with, is because she was extremely easy to talk to on the phone. She didn't allow for dead air time, and just kept the conversation flowing and was concerned for my comfort level right from the get go. As such, I've found it was a lot easier to talk to her right from the beginning [compared to my previous therapist]. So.. Try phoning around, see who you talk to. You never know what you'll find out until you try.

Good luck with the first appointment. You can do it!
~Brian


_________________________
I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.

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#202246 - 01/29/08 08:11 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: MemoryVault]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scott, David,

Originally Posted By: MemoryVault
Every time I seriously consider finding one, I convince myself that I'm fine and everything's great, and what am I complaining about?

Then, when I'm really feeling hurt, I tell myself I'll get around to it when I feel better...


I think a lot of us do this - it's of course just a way of avoiding something we know we need to do. I hope you will both get out there and take the risk. That first step is scary as hell, but it is SO worth it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#202274 - 01/29/08 10:27 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: roadrunner]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
guys....


Thank-you so much for sharing your experiences and lending support.

I will try.


Scott


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#202277 - 01/29/08 10:34 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2569
Took me a long long time. I knew for years that I had issues, but always had an excuse. Was just about a month ago that various mental and emotional barriers started disintegrating on me and the full reality of my childhood set in. Huge depression that nearly cost me my marriage followed. I meet with a therapist for the first time next week. I'm nervous and scared, but holding onto the idea that it can only help. Called my sister this past week and started talking to her again, I was surprised to find that she's been seeing a therapist as well. She was hurt by some of the same people that hurt me, so one of the topics of conversation we'll have this coming weekend will be some of those issues. Hopefully we can both really begin healing our relationship.

T's are good. Hang in there.


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#202283 - 01/29/08 11:19 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: JustScott]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
In my humble opinion and experience, the best therapists that I have had have been the ones who listened to me and then asked the right questions to make me see the answers to my own quesions/problems. Nobody has ever said, "You have to do this and this, and then you'll be all better."

It is nervewracking the first few times, but it gets easier. Don't be afraid to cry, or to spill your guys. Honesty is paramount; if you withhold anything, the questions you get from your T won't necessarily be the right ones.

Respectfully submitted,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#202305 - 01/29/08 12:52 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: Lazarus]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Scott,

You are not alone, and you are a brave survivor since you e talking about these things.

It was hard to me to find a T and start a therapy. I went from one T, and then from another. the third and current one is good.

If you arefeeling so scared, try telephone interviewing them at first.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#204113 - 02/08/08 08:48 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: alexey]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I had a follow-up appointment with my physician yesterday and it did not go well.

I completely zoned out. He kept asking questions and all I could do was stare at the floor or at some spot on the wall. I don't think I looked at him more than once. I can't escape the shame and guilt. I can't just answer his questions without first trying to figure out why he's asking them. What if I give him a wrong answer?


He has upped my meds and wants to see me in two weeks.

I'm already freaking out about going again.

I hate this.


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#204117 - 02/08/08 09:11 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
Ken Singer, LCSW Online   content
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Scott:
You need to be dealing with this with a T experienced in CSA and male survivors. Your doc can do the presecriptions for you but that only reduces the depression and anxiety that makes talking about it so much harder. But, in the end, you will need to talk to someone about it to reduce/eliminate the bonds the abuse is holding on you.

Before your next appointment, you can give it a try to write out what it is that you want to tell him. He should be able to accept that after seeing you zoning out. It may just be that he doesn't know what you went through and by writing it out ahead of time, you won't feel as much pressure in his office with the limited amount of time he has to spend with you.

Ken


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#204120 - 02/08/08 09:32 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2569
I agree with the writing things out idea 100%. I had my first appointment with my T and I was afraid of zoning out, so I took along a post from here where I had shared allot of what I had been through. She made me feel so safe and comfortable I was able to share, but in the end I gave her my printed out copy anyway, as it detailed allot more feelings and emotions and even covered a few things we didn't discuss.

I understand your fear, I was scared to death, but in the end, it actually turned out very well.

Hang in there man, we're here for you.


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#204363 - 02/09/08 02:11 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: JustScott]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Ken & Scott,

Thanks for the suggestion about writing things down. I have received this same advice in the F&F forum when I wrote about having difficulties talking to my girlfriend.

It seems like such a small thing, but I guess in these early stages writing things down may be the only way for me to communicate my feelings in a coherent manner.

On a positive note, I read in a local newspaper that the local diocese was doubling its funding to a support group for male CSA.
In the article it had the email address for the facilitator running the program.

I don't think I'm ready for any kind of counseling in a group setting so I don't think the program he's running will work for me. However, I sent him a short email yesterday to find out if he knew of any female therapists with experience in male CSA in my area. I received a response from him this morning with a short list of contact names and numbers.

I still feel unsure about this, but at least I have some positive leads to follow.

I guess baby steps forward are better than nothing.

Scott


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#204364 - 02/09/08 02:14 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I guess it makes sense now that I think bout it but I have heard many guys say that they do not want a male facilitator in their group or a male T to talk to. Hmmmmm


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#204368 - 02/09/08 02:20 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: Freedom49]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Roger,

I've been betrayed too many times by guys I thought I could trust.

I just don't see me being able to fully trust a male therapist.

Scott


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#204372 - 02/09/08 02:43 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
Poet24 Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 36
Talking to doctors can be tough, I mean it took me years to tell my regular doctor about any of my abuse and so forth. But I had a wake up call, I was admitted to a psych hospital, and that's when I decidd to get a therapirt, of course they were kind of pushy about that, but I got one, and the first couple session were just about the hospitilization, then it started to get even harder, and I couldn't talk about my past for the longest time, it took me many, many appointments to even admit to him who abused me, and I nearly broke apart, I felt lioke I was standing naked in front of a whole room, but my therapist could see this and began saying "You can talk about it, and look, you didn't get leprosy."

So that week I wrote out my past, but I didn't have the guts to show it to him, so we basically wasted our time for awhile unril I found the courage, and decided he was a god guy.

My point is it is okay to zone out a little, talking about it all can be almost as hard as experiencing it, but it is also freeing to find out that the secret doesn't kill when it comes out, and having someone else know what happened, and having a person to speak to about it helped.

The thing to look at is does your doctor have experience in thius kind of thing, and for me, I had to find a good doctor who didn't push hard and force the issue, he lets me lead the session, and sometimes we end discussing muindane things because what I really want to say scares me too much.

I have learned over the last maybe 5 years now, that you need to find someone you are comfortable with, someone who doesn't push so hard it makes you really uncomfortable, I had to see several therapists before I found the right one, and now I am thankful for that. But what others have said, writing it out is a very good idea, it is just, I don'tr know, less intimidating in a way.

Wel I've babbled too much again, and I am sorry, I need to start censoring myself a little more I guess, anyway, a good doctor can make all the difference in the world, and can helpyou heal al the more. So if talking about it doesn't work for you right now, write it out. In fact I think I may have to use that idea.

Good luck, I know you will make it through, because you have survived, and you are surviving, and you will slowly make it 'onward and upward.' And remember when it comes to any doctor your feelings about them is paramount.

Again, I'm sorry for rantig so long, but remember you are a survivor and nothing can change that, least of all fear. And know you are not alone, I know I've been there, and I am sure many others here have been there also, so take heart.

Peace to all,
Poet24

_________________________
THe spirit is a fragile thing, easy to break, but not impossible to fix.

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#206530 - 02/21/08 01:57 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: Poet24]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

I can't tell you my first two therapy experiences were very helpful. But later ones were, with better therapists. After the first 'therapist' minimized what I did manage to talk about (and it was the tip of the iceberg), I couldn't even talk to the second one about anything that wasn't superficial.
I was afraid, and it took almost 10 years and some written preparation, along with much thought, to overcome all the fears. I finally realized I had a therapist I could trust and open up to, without feeling humiliated.
So I'd have to say, stick with it, and find someone you can trust, however long it might take, and yes, write out at least some of what you want to say so you don't get freaked out. A good therapist can be a good ally. Just take a little time to be sure you have a good one. That's my experience.

Ed


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#206535 - 02/21/08 02:22 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: copenbay]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
My recommendation would be to shop around. I'm sure you've heard that over and over again but it's the truth. When you find one you trust, it isn't as scary. You can let things out bits and pieces at a time. No need to rush through this one. The fortunate thing is that you can go at whatever pace you want. If the waters starts to get too cold, you can walk back to the shallow end of the pool whenever you see fit.

Good luck,
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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