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#204113 - 02/08/08 08:48 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: alexey]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I had a follow-up appointment with my physician yesterday and it did not go well.

I completely zoned out. He kept asking questions and all I could do was stare at the floor or at some spot on the wall. I don't think I looked at him more than once. I can't escape the shame and guilt. I can't just answer his questions without first trying to figure out why he's asking them. What if I give him a wrong answer?


He has upped my meds and wants to see me in two weeks.

I'm already freaking out about going again.

I hate this.


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#204117 - 02/08/08 09:11 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Scott:
You need to be dealing with this with a T experienced in CSA and male survivors. Your doc can do the presecriptions for you but that only reduces the depression and anxiety that makes talking about it so much harder. But, in the end, you will need to talk to someone about it to reduce/eliminate the bonds the abuse is holding on you.

Before your next appointment, you can give it a try to write out what it is that you want to tell him. He should be able to accept that after seeing you zoning out. It may just be that he doesn't know what you went through and by writing it out ahead of time, you won't feel as much pressure in his office with the limited amount of time he has to spend with you.

Ken


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#204120 - 02/08/08 09:32 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I agree with the writing things out idea 100%. I had my first appointment with my T and I was afraid of zoning out, so I took along a post from here where I had shared allot of what I had been through. She made me feel so safe and comfortable I was able to share, but in the end I gave her my printed out copy anyway, as it detailed allot more feelings and emotions and even covered a few things we didn't discuss.

I understand your fear, I was scared to death, but in the end, it actually turned out very well.

Hang in there man, we're here for you.


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#204363 - 02/09/08 02:11 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: JustScott]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Ken & Scott,

Thanks for the suggestion about writing things down. I have received this same advice in the F&F forum when I wrote about having difficulties talking to my girlfriend.

It seems like such a small thing, but I guess in these early stages writing things down may be the only way for me to communicate my feelings in a coherent manner.

On a positive note, I read in a local newspaper that the local diocese was doubling its funding to a support group for male CSA.
In the article it had the email address for the facilitator running the program.

I don't think I'm ready for any kind of counseling in a group setting so I don't think the program he's running will work for me. However, I sent him a short email yesterday to find out if he knew of any female therapists with experience in male CSA in my area. I received a response from him this morning with a short list of contact names and numbers.

I still feel unsure about this, but at least I have some positive leads to follow.

I guess baby steps forward are better than nothing.

Scott


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#204364 - 02/09/08 02:14 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I guess it makes sense now that I think bout it but I have heard many guys say that they do not want a male facilitator in their group or a male T to talk to. Hmmmmm


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#204368 - 02/09/08 02:20 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: Freedom49]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Roger,

I've been betrayed too many times by guys I thought I could trust.

I just don't see me being able to fully trust a male therapist.

Scott


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#204372 - 02/09/08 02:43 PM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: BruisedSpirit]
Poet24 Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 36
Talking to doctors can be tough, I mean it took me years to tell my regular doctor about any of my abuse and so forth. But I had a wake up call, I was admitted to a psych hospital, and that's when I decidd to get a therapirt, of course they were kind of pushy about that, but I got one, and the first couple session were just about the hospitilization, then it started to get even harder, and I couldn't talk about my past for the longest time, it took me many, many appointments to even admit to him who abused me, and I nearly broke apart, I felt lioke I was standing naked in front of a whole room, but my therapist could see this and began saying "You can talk about it, and look, you didn't get leprosy."

So that week I wrote out my past, but I didn't have the guts to show it to him, so we basically wasted our time for awhile unril I found the courage, and decided he was a god guy.

My point is it is okay to zone out a little, talking about it all can be almost as hard as experiencing it, but it is also freeing to find out that the secret doesn't kill when it comes out, and having someone else know what happened, and having a person to speak to about it helped.

The thing to look at is does your doctor have experience in thius kind of thing, and for me, I had to find a good doctor who didn't push hard and force the issue, he lets me lead the session, and sometimes we end discussing muindane things because what I really want to say scares me too much.

I have learned over the last maybe 5 years now, that you need to find someone you are comfortable with, someone who doesn't push so hard it makes you really uncomfortable, I had to see several therapists before I found the right one, and now I am thankful for that. But what others have said, writing it out is a very good idea, it is just, I don'tr know, less intimidating in a way.

Wel I've babbled too much again, and I am sorry, I need to start censoring myself a little more I guess, anyway, a good doctor can make all the difference in the world, and can helpyou heal al the more. So if talking about it doesn't work for you right now, write it out. In fact I think I may have to use that idea.

Good luck, I know you will make it through, because you have survived, and you are surviving, and you will slowly make it 'onward and upward.' And remember when it comes to any doctor your feelings about them is paramount.

Again, I'm sorry for rantig so long, but remember you are a survivor and nothing can change that, least of all fear. And know you are not alone, I know I've been there, and I am sure many others here have been there also, so take heart.

Peace to all,
Poet24

_________________________
THe spirit is a fragile thing, easy to break, but not impossible to fix.

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#206530 - 02/21/08 01:57 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: Poet24]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

I can't tell you my first two therapy experiences were very helpful. But later ones were, with better therapists. After the first 'therapist' minimized what I did manage to talk about (and it was the tip of the iceberg), I couldn't even talk to the second one about anything that wasn't superficial.
I was afraid, and it took almost 10 years and some written preparation, along with much thought, to overcome all the fears. I finally realized I had a therapist I could trust and open up to, without feeling humiliated.
So I'd have to say, stick with it, and find someone you can trust, however long it might take, and yes, write out at least some of what you want to say so you don't get freaked out. A good therapist can be a good ally. Just take a little time to be sure you have a good one. That's my experience.

Ed


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#206535 - 02/21/08 02:22 AM Re: Too scared to talk to a T [Re: copenbay]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
My recommendation would be to shop around. I'm sure you've heard that over and over again but it's the truth. When you find one you trust, it isn't as scary. You can let things out bits and pieces at a time. No need to rush through this one. The fortunate thing is that you can go at whatever pace you want. If the waters starts to get too cold, you can walk back to the shallow end of the pool whenever you see fit.

Good luck,
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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