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#202012 - 01/28/08 10:28 AM Acting Out...(might trigger)
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
When I was in 3rd or 4th grade (ages 8-10) I started pretty much reliving my abuse through others. I think sex became an addiction for me. I had so much on my mind that I think sex seemed to be the only thing that would calm my mind and focus my thoughts to something other than how bad I felt inside. Strange as that sounds, I think it's true.

So by at least 4th grade I was already a sex addict. I began acting out with all my friends. I lost the trust of some of them, I think, and perhaps -- though I didn't know it at the time -- gained a reputation. It especially hurt when my best friend for as long as I can remember stopped talking to me. Of course I didn't really realize why he had stopped talking to me at the time. I'm almost positive it had to do with my advances whenever we were together, though. \:\(

Up until the middle of 6th grade (11-12), when I had to move in with my mom, I kept acting out with my friends that came over or spent the night. Some have told me that it could've been just experimenting, but I don't really think that's the case. There was clear motives. There was intent. Heck, one of my goals of the sleep overs was to be sexual with them. By 6th grade I was blatant and unflinching, and did things that I don't think any 11-year-old would even know about let alone do to someone -- such as oral sex.

I feel bad for all the friends I touched back then. I wish there was a way to make amends with those people, but A) I don't know where they live now, and B) it was so long ago, I'm not even sure it's worth digging up the past. Would they even remember it? And if they didn't, would it make it "weird" to confess such things to them?

I really just want to explain to them my mind at the time. I want to tell them that I was being/had been abused, and I was pretty mixed up inside. I want to tell them that it was my mixed up idea of affection and love. But then again, I was automatic about it too. I didn't even know why I wanted to do that -- it just was reflexive or something. *shrug*

Anyone have any advice to this matter?

By age 12 I was living at my mom's and, since my foundation of friends had really been demolished -- I was the new kid -- I tended to not act out so much. Perhaps because I was older, too, I developed more of a conscious. I don't know. I'm still exploring this in therapy.

All I know is that when I moved, my friends became younger -- out of circumstance. I was teased relentlessly in school, but the younger kids looked up to me. I was the oldest kid in the neighborhood for a long time. I still had the acting out urges, too. But luckily I was more aware then that someone might tell, and I would incur the wrath.

I think that's the key...younger me didn't think about the consequences, he just acted. Twelve year old me was sort of, but not fully, more aware of that, I guess.

It's strange. At 26, I'm sort of celibate. Maybe I'm just used up, but I have no desire to be sexual with people my age. \:\( Heck , it's hard for me to be courageous enough just to be friends. \:\(

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#202015 - 01/28/08 10:47 AM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: AndyJB2005]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I understand Andy, I have similar history. Wish I could go back and explain. I know the feeling of wondering some would even remember and if no think I am a freak. It was all I knew how to relate, auto pilot, that is just what did to feel good and stuff things away. Bad things not to think about. Guess I was really twisted kid.

Roger


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#202265 - 01/29/08 09:13 AM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: Freedom49]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
Andy this touches close to home for me. While I can't say I acted out with allot of people, I definitely did with some. I guess for me that's one my key guilt/shame issues. I can be ok with what happened to me, but can't stand the things that happened as a result of it. Like you, as I got older (11-12) it stopped. Course so did the abuse at the hands of others. So maybe for me there is a correlation there. I too began to fear the consequences, which definitely kept me from acting out with others. Instead I turned to myself and began to do so daily, and then when my older brother brought porn home from the military..... damn I couldn't get enough.

I understand the friend thing as well. I'm 32 now, and can count those I call friends on one hand and even that leaves two digits free to wave in the wind. I finding though that trust is healing. I'm finally opening up to some people, and it's helped emensely.


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#202296 - 01/29/08 12:24 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: JustScott]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Scott, you have one less finger to wave in the wind buddy. Anytime, anywhere.

Love ya

Roger


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#202400 - 01/29/08 08:32 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: Freedom49]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hi Andy,

Thanks so much for being open and sharing your experience. It takes so much courage to talk about the past, the pain, the aloneness, etc. I am glad you did. As you can tell, some can relate, some of us had somewhat similar experiences and hopefully, you can let us reach out to you, accept you for who you are.

I certainly hope you continue to share, to be one of us and to find love and acceptance for yourself. Love to be there for you if I can.

Take care,

B


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#202412 - 01/29/08 09:21 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: Barney]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Thank you guys for your replies. It really means a lot to me that others can relate to what I'm thinking -- and what happened back then in this regard.

I can reach out to you guys, I think, and I will continue to share. I hope I can be as much help to you all as you are to me. \:\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#202528 - 01/30/08 08:27 AM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: AndyJB2005]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Andy, I can relate to your history. Mine was much the same, but I nver stopped, really. I've continued to act out, obsessively, for almost all of my life, I guess up until 4 or 5 years ago. Sex and porn have always been an obsession with me, and I guess I am addicted to it. The only reason I say I've stopped now is that I'm in a new relationship that I really care about, and he fulfills many of my needs and desires.

It's all related to my CSA... If I hadn't been abused at 8, I probably never would have started trying to sexualize every relationship, every freindship, every acquaintance I had.

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't. Get married to someone you care deeply for. That's what did it for me, finally. But that's hardly advice, is it; it's more of a dream isn't it?

Oh, one more thing; you don't have any fingers left to wave in the air... I doubt you ever really did...

Your friend,

Ric

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#202544 - 01/30/08 09:49 AM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: Lazarus]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I read this post of yours and still come to the same conclusion: Andy is a good guy and brave!!!!

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#203066 - 02/01/08 05:45 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: Still]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Thanks for your open, honest post, AndyJB. Yes, I can understand what you're saying and feeling because my own abuse story somewhat parallels yours. I began at 5 (?or earlier) to have sex with anything that was to have sex with. I, like Lazarus, continued to act out with peers that would participate. I slowed down at 22, however. I married at 23! That's not to say urges disappeared but management of them became easier to control.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#203533 - 02/04/08 02:19 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: ScottyTodd]
Calanthe Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 109
Loc: California
Andy,

Thanks your share. I too can relate to your history in many ways. But like other that have shared my sexual compulsion/addiction continued into my adult life (nice way of saying I sex as often as could and still keep my job). What I did was get into a 12 step sexual recovery program.

While it took me years to get any recovery from sex addiction I learned a lot about some of the things you mentioned. For one I had an immediate circle of people who understood at least a part of my life and a group of potential friends who would not bail on me when I told them my deep dark secrets. Two in program I learned about taking responsibility for what was my stuff and not taking responsibility for others. This was a big relief for me because I found that I took responsibility things that weren’t mine and of often avoided taken responsibility for things that were mine. This covered my sexual behavior when I was young and an adult. The truth was that no matter how old was when I was having sex I never did it by myself and never forced anyone to have sex with me, so the other person involved always had a part in that experience no matter what guilt obsessed self wanted to say about that.

In program I also learned when and how to make an appropriate amends if an amends was needed (and I did not have to make amends without support). I also learned that the best amend I could make was to stop my behavior (which sounds like something you have already done) and the person at the top of my amends list was me (a concept it to me years to accept and act on in a constructive way)

We all have our own paths. I could have never been in a loving or supportive relationship (or marriage) without recovery. Love was one of my biggest triggers.

It sounds like you have started working on your healing and have a lot of support here on MS.

Good Luck on Your Journey,

Cal


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#203623 - 02/05/08 12:47 AM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: Calanthe]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Oh yeah, I've been through many-a-12-step. I liked it pretty well, but not being religious I never felt like I fit in. Plus it was a little too structured for me. For example, you go, share, and move on to the next person. It's like I could've done that at home talking to the wall. I need feedback in groups -- I need dialogue! lol

Thanks for the good luck wish! \:\)



_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#203653 - 02/05/08 08:28 AM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: AndyJB2005]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
I agree, I like feedback, input, discussion etc.


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#203678 - 02/05/08 12:22 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: JustScott]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Andy? About the boys you touched:

How many of them assertively looked at you when you started touching them and said "DON'T"! Your story perfectly illustrates the need to teach children to be assertive about their bodies and proper boundaries/touch, don't you think?

Anyway. Dude, I'm sorry that this is how you turned out growing up. It must be a heavy weight to carry around. Maybe your perp Dad should have thought of this before he started molesting you huh?

Acknowledge that you did it. Acknowledge that it happened. But DON'T accept a majority of the blame for how you were turning out as a youngster ok? That fucking perp Dad of yours gets 99% of the blame the way I see it. Thank you for sharing this.


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#203955 - 02/07/08 12:15 AM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: Hauser]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1955
Andy,

I appreciate the honesty of this topic. I did some things that I think were acting out after having been abused/traumatized (I still need to figure out what it all was, but it certainly screwed me up big time; because I became a willing participant, somehow I feel I don't have the right to accept the harm that was done. Ugg!!).

Anyway, I carry around so much guilt as to who I became as a person. Looking at who I was as a kid, there is no way in the world I would have wished for things to be the way they were. It just floors me sometimes and gets in the way of me reaching out. As if the shame/guilt/trauma of what happened to me wasn't enough to deal with, I then carry around the shame and guilt of who I became as a person. It makes it hard for me to tear down the walls sometimes.

Since I can't remember that time period that well, I can't say for certain that I did some of what I did after what was done to me. But I have some hunches, and clues that makes me pretty sure I had things happen to me first. My memories around this time are so screwed up. I wish I could remember more, but I can't. It really seems the linearity of my life got obscured around this time; actually, more truthfully I just think a lot of memories are missing (but I can't tell if it is normal forgetting or what, but it seems to be a different loss of memories than at other periods of my life; it is as if I want to grab back at those years and figure things out, but so much information is missing.) I repressed everything troubling until after I got some distance from where I grew up; I swear I didn't remember the stuff that happened up until that time, but it seems so foreign to me that I could do that.

Anyway, it helps to read a thread like this and get some insight. I know I have got to reach back and pull into the now the kid that got shattered years ago. Actually, I have acknowledged that it helped me to look back to the kid I once was and to sort of look to that me from then to take back those good things into the now. I also see that even in the worst of times, that all those good parts of who I was were still there, it was just there was a lot of crap as well. And I know for certain that I never wanted any of that crap.

Eric


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#221565 - 04/29/08 08:50 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: ericc]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Andy,

Reading this post hit right at home for me. I recall acting out after the abuse occured. Like many said here I put on displays for anyone willing to watch me re-create sexual things. From friends to acquaintances,hell friends of the family. So much of who I was as a kid caught up in sexuality. I carried on this behavior until the fear of someone telling consumed me. I remember sleeping at a friends house when I decided to show them that sex with a pillow can be pleasurable. They laughed at me and scowled. I ended up switching schools but eventually met up with them a little later on. They pointed and said, hey arent you that guy with the pillows. Of course out of habit and shame denial was an immediate response. From that point on I turned inward and focused my efforts on myself. Anything I could get my hands on to re-enact what had become normal in my day to day life. When I look back sexuality was all I ever knew, I was just a kid.

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#221566 - 04/29/08 08:51 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: ericc]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Andy,

Reading this post hit right at home for me. I recall acting out after the abuse occured. Like many said here I put on displays for anyone willing to watch me re-create sexual things. From friends to acquaintances,hell friends of the family. So much of who I was as a kid caught up in sexuality. I carried on this behavior until the fear of someone telling consumed me. I remember sleeping at a friends house when I decided to show them that sex with a pillow can be pleasurable. They laughed at me and scowled. I ended up switching schools but eventually met up with them a little later on. They pointed and said, hey arent you that guy with the pillows. Of course out of habit and shame denial was an immediate response. From that point on I turned inward and focused my efforts on myself. Anything I could get my hands on to re-enact what had become normal in my day to day life. When I look back sexuality was all I ever knew, I was just a kid.

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#257674 - 10/25/08 01:04 AM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: AndyJB2005]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I understand how you feel and it makes sense that you were looking for some way to act out what might have been done to you. My own opinion is it seems like you wanted to do anything to get away from all the pain and bad memories. I have acted out before when I was around 13. I'm ashamed to admit this but in a way I have to be honest about what happened. I was raped when I was 11. I later got into a bad situation where I ended up acting out what was done to me. This guy I came across through a family situation brought out something that I can't believe I did then. He was in his 30s and I(13) ended up having sex with him twice. I think to some degree I had an idea what I was doing only by what was done to me before. He didn't tell me no and encouraged me to experience what penetration felt like. This has made me question my orientation. I don't see myself as gay because of this even though the acts were. I have found since that women are what I am attracted to the most.
I am now 27 and haven't had sex since. What stopped all of this was my dad walking in on us. My own worthless dad tried to turn me in to the authorities but mom stopped him. He interrogated me for days claiming I had AIDS and was going to die. I never told him a word of what had happened. 4 months ago I came out about being raped at 11. He hasn't talked to me since.
After thinking, now I feel like crap acting out my own violation even though a 30 something year old should know better than to allow having sex with a 13 year old. All of this adds to my confusion as to who I am and what I am supposed to be.


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#258038 - 10/26/08 12:13 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: nevragan]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Originally Posted By: nevragan
He was in his 30s and I(13) ended up having sex with him twice. I think to some degree I had an idea what I was doing only by what was done to me before. He didn't tell me no and encouraged me to experience what penetration felt like.


You didn't have sex with him. He sexually abused you. The man took advantage of the boy's lack of knowledge, experience, and ability to truly consent. Even if you knew what you were doing (and what 13 year old has the knowledge of a 30 year old) it was not only against the law but a violation of you. It sounds like you are still affected by the abuse at 11 and ths "relationship". I hope you are dealing with it in therapy because you don't need to be suffering all this time. It was not your fault for being abused and it is always the adult's responsibility and fault.

Your father did not help out and was completely wrong in the way he treated you. Another area to work on, it sounds like.


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#258429 - 10/27/08 10:13 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I have had many times where the memories of rape have resurfaced. I never told anyone until 10 months ago. My best friend and mentor was the one that I told first. He told me that he thought something had happened but didn't want to pry. He has been the only one that has been there through thick and thin. I think of him as the dad I never had. He never had kids because his ex-wife didn't want any. People have asked if we are related. That makes both of us feel like we have something we missed out on.

All of these bad memories have been been buried for 15 years. I opened Pandora's box and al hell has broken loose since. It has been difficult and of the two people I would have thought might become closer, abandoned me as usual; my parents. Their view and the person they thought they knew was only my protective wall I built around myself. I have written my final letter to them to let there know I don't want anything to do with them, don't want anything from their will to remember them by or want any further contact. I included my thoughts about the most hurtful things they did or didn't do because it was time they heard my side for once and for all. I have accepted that I don't have parents and moved on. I burned a copy along with the pictures I had of them. It felt like I was freed from their prison and will never go back. I cried plenty and have no regrets. I have been free for 8 years and I'll do anything not to have to go back to them. One of my good friends told me once that your closest family may not even be related to you. I think she is right.
My sessions that I have been going to have covered many areas and there is much more to do. I feel like an old house that is going through a complete gut and rebuild. I hope it turns out as far from where I started at in the beginning. Thank you for your time and shared warmth.


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#258519 - 10/28/08 11:31 AM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: nevragan]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Seems that acting out is a situation many of us go through...I do the same...and sometimes i can understand why but others i feel embarrased by getting excited by what hapened to me...i have told my T and she says is normal to have those feelings...it seems like re-enacting them makes them less hurting...


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#258544 - 10/28/08 01:29 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: sunwolf]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
And it may give you a sense of being in control of a sexual situation when you did not have control back then.


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#258647 - 10/28/08 09:02 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: sunwolf]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
I continued to act out all my life. Love was sex and sex was love . All the boys who lived around me knew I was a good time. I have carried it into adulthood. I am trying to break that pattern. You may have been trying to relive it to get a high or what you thought was love or you may have acted out to get rid of the pain , or give it to someone else. WE WERE KIDS. Different rules apply. It was and is not your fault. Go easy on yourself. Dave

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Davesc
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Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#258649 - 10/28/08 09:03 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: AndyJB2005]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
I continued to act out all my life. Love was sex and sex was love . All the boys who lived around me knew I was a good time. I have carried it into adulthood. I am trying to break that pattern. You may have been trying to relive it to get a high or what you thought was love or you may have acted out to get rid of the pain , or give it to someone else. WE WERE KIDS. Different rules apply. It was and is not your fault. Go easy on yourself. Dave

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Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#258665 - 10/28/08 09:35 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: Davesc]
Dan99 Offline


Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 100
Loc: Washington DC
The problem with acting out sexually is eventually it stops giving you the numbing feeling you want. And then where are you? Right back where you started, alone with yourself and your thoughts and feelings.

_________________________
Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.

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#258682 - 10/28/08 10:45 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: sunwolf]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I was wondering if acting out was a way to try to change the outcome of what originally happened long ago. It's like finding fire ants crawling on your leg and you brush them off. For the next few minutes you keep checking because you feel like they are crawling on you again but they aren't there when you check again. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone. Maybe it all has to do with being creatures of habit. Hopefully time will reveal it.


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#258775 - 10/29/08 11:36 AM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: nevragan]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
The bottomline, I think, is that we should not blame ourselves for acting out...no matter the causes or what triggers it...thats something we need to learn to get over, the shame and guiltiness...


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#258786 - 10/29/08 12:13 PM Re: Acting Out...(might trigger) [Re: sunwolf]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
My acting out always feel good to me. It is the shame of lying to family that kills me. I wish I could just say I need to get f****d and it would be alright with the world. Hurt someone and ying I think is what brings me shame

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Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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